All photos are documented with date and time (digital) and PI will testify if this ever makes it to court. Hoping to GOD it doesn't but trying to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I still haven't come up with the connection and how they met, but I will find that out also. Maybe that is just a "woman gotta know thing"


This hesitancy has to do with LOVE. Regardless of what my husband has done, I dearly love him. No, she does not work at the same place he does nor in any capacity where he would have met her during work. [/quote]


Still trying to figure out how they met. I'm pretty determined and I will find that out.


Simply put I love him. I am scared that this step will push him so far away from me that I won't stand a chance in heck. He's already angry with me (so he said the night I confronted him) but won't say why he's mad. I don't think it is all due to me confronting him.


I think for now I have another plan that came to mind from all the suggestions you gave me. I'll explain that at the bottom of this.


I have been going over in my mind exactly what I will say when I go to HER work. I want to have everything listed out and memorized so that I will appear to be very calm on the outside even though I may be shaking on the inside.


Unfortunatly we are not members of a church. I have attempted to get H to go on several occasions in the past with me but to no avail. So rather then just going myself (which I could have done) I chose not to.

Both my parents and one of my brothers is deceased. The remaining brother and my sister well let's just say we are a dysfunctional family. NO calls, Visits only if I make the trip to FL to see them. I'm sure you have the picture. My In-laws also live in FL and H is not close to them. I seem to be seeing a pattern with him here. He has pretty much cut them out of his life and now it looks like I'm the next target. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well newest developements, H had two cars he was attempting to sell, this is normal for him to buy cheap cars and sell them so didn't think anything about that. However I read one of the ads on line and at the bottom of the ad he put "MOVING" Must sell. My heart just sunk when I read that. I still don't know what to make of it.

Anyway from all the suggestions and guidance you have given me I have semi come up with a plan of action. First I will wait and see how things go with H today, he is coming over here to work on his car (he can't do it at her apt complex) don't really want to see him, but I will if nothing more just to see if he looks happy or if I see any sort of caring in his eyes. If not then I move on to my plan of action.

1. I have sent H and email from a new account (disgused name) in reply to his car for sale. I stated I want to drive by and look at the car and asked for his address. I told him I can't come till later tonight. My thoughts were he would be more apt to be back at the apartments then and will give me the address as being his address. (Yeah I already have that info, but I am looking for an email from him to confirm it as his place of residence. (Again court reasons if needed.

2. I will contact H's parents and let them know what is going on. Even though he is not close to them, I know they would not approve of his actions and who knows maybe they will pick up the phone and call him.

3. I know the b****'s tag number (sorry still can't say H's OW) because I want to be his ONLY woman. I also know the town she is from. If I am successful in locating a phone number for her parents I will buy a pre-paid phone and put some time on it (using the area code for that area) and then I will call them and say I am an accquaince of and give their daughters name and proceed to tell them that their daughter is living with a married man and is a father of 2 grown sons (keep in mind she is 29 H is 55) Most parents will have a problem with an age gap like that. I will also state that I know his wife "me" (remember I'm calling as an accquaince) is trying very hard to save this marriage and that the daugher needs to leave him alone before she is named in a divorce as being a party to it. (I already gave the lawyer her name)

4. I will contact the Dept of Motor Vehicles in Nashville, because there is a law here that once you live in the state and are working you are required within I forget the length of time to register your vehicle in TN. As of now, she has not done this. (This will hit the pocket book - probably H will pay for it, but will at least cause some inconvience on their / his or her part)

5. I will contact the apartment complex she lives in and let them know that she has an extended guest living there and give them the date he started staying there along with his tag number if they want to conduct their own investigation to verify he is staying there. I believe at these apartments you can only have a guest for a maximum of 2 weeks after that they are considered living there and must be on the lease. (This will cause one of two things, he will either leave or have his name added to the lease) If he leaves great, if not then it shows me there is no chance for us. In addition it will also be more evidence for the attorney. She will be able to supeona the lease showing his and her name on it.

6. I wil re-look at the cell phone bills I had collected before H blocked my access to it and see if there were calls made back and forth from work to each other and the amount of time of each call. I will then prepare this information and take it with me when I go to talk to the personnell dept where she works. I am hoping that I can show to them she is using company time to carry on an affair with a married man.

7. I have talked with my youngest son (who is the only one H has contact with) and told him how I feel his d is not setting a good example for him and that while at this point I can not say our marriage will make it (looking bleaker every day) that he should at least tell his dad that he either needs to A. Talk to me or B. See an attorney. I also gave me son an idea that maybe him and his dad could get an apartment together for 3 months and then maybe his dad and I could work on our issues and if things work out after the 3 months that the son could take over the apartment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know my son would like to have his own place so I was "PLANTING A SEED IN HIS MIND and hoping that he will water it". My son is smart enough if he chooses to be to to make this conversation sound like it's all his idea. Who knows maybe it will do some good. With H not talking to me now, don't have a lot to loose.

Okay I know most of my steps are directed at the b**** and should be more towards my husband. Right now that's extremelly hard for me to do becuase I love him and I don't even like her. It might not be the best plan but it's what I have come up with for now. I know that until and unless he can talk to me, then we have no marriage.

As far as working on me, well I'm doing that also. As I mentioned earlier in my original post, I have signed up a for a college class and plan on getting an Associate of Arts degree. It will take me a while but it will keep me busy.

I am also going to sign up for a class to learn to ride a bike (motorcycle). H enjoys his bikes and I thought this might be something we can do together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After I get acclaimated to class time (luckily it's On Line) I want to take piano lessons.

Well it's now 5:53 in the morning and I haven't been to bed, I tried but my plan of action (listed above kept running through my mind) so I wasn't able to sleep.

I have gone back and re-read a lot of my postings and yes they are in fact true, but I have to admit I do share a lot of the responsbilities for the state our marriage is in today. It looks as if I have been placing all the blame on H and that is in fact not true.

Our marriage did not get like this overnight. Could I have done more to keep this from happenning? Yes, I could have. I remember a few months ago thinking the way things were I wasn't sure I wanted to stay married. We had both emotionally detached from each other and were in fact just co-existing in the same house. I also remember looking at my husband then and thinking that if a woman came along and showed some interest in him he would be "ripe" for an affair. Come to find out when I was having those thoughts he was already in the affair. Intitution perhaps?

This is not the first time we have had major issues in our marriage, but it is the first time that one of us has moved out. I know we never really resolved issues before but continued to stay together partly for our son and partly due to the hassles of Divorcing. However, in all this time I never stopped loving my husband. Sure, there have been times I have NOT shown him the way he needed to be shown.

He has always been a quiet man but since he has detached I fell like I am non existant to him. He would go out to the garage and work on his cars, go karts, and motorcycles all night long. I was hooked on an on-line game, so yes we are both guilty. If I could go back and change things I know I would and I honestly think if the past could be erased so would H. I just dont' think H has it in him anymore to continue to try.

I am willing to work through whatver issues there are and promise to him to listen with out defending and speak with out offending. I know he's not at the point where he can say the same thing.

I know our son (21) has taken a lot from us both emotionally and financially and drained us both of so much. For the last several years I had detached from my son because I could no longer enable a lot of what he was doing. This left my H on the other hand to shoulder the responsbilites both mentally and financally on his own. A good example here would be when our son was incarcerated (drugs) I rarely visited him in jail. I am not going to justify or say what I did was right or wrong but it was the best decision for ME at the time. Now I see it was not the best decision for US. There is a big difference there.

I have been reading so many postings on this forum and am learning so much yet still feel I have so much to learn. I took the Emotional Needs Quiz, (took it for myself and also answered the way I thought H might answer) at some point if we ever start talking I would like to get him to take it to see what he sees his needs are. Anyway from my point of view I came up with the following;

My EN Needs in order H EN Needs in order

1. Honesty 1. Financial Support
2. Conversation 2. Honesty & Openess
3. Recrational Companionship 3. Admiration
4. Affection 4. Sexual Fullfillment
5. Sexual Fullfillment 5. Recreational Companship
6. Financial Support 6. Affection
7. Admiration 7. Domestic Support
8. Family Commitment 8. Physical Attractiveness
9. Domestic Support 9. Family Commitment
10. Physical Attractiveness 10. Conversation

I listed the Family Commitment in the lower half because our kids are grown and from what I read about the Family Commitment it has more to do with raising kids.

It sure is an eye opener for me. Now I have to get busy and figure out how to meet the needs I think he is looking for the most. I have SO not met those for a while. I'm going to take the first five and talk about them.

Sorry this is such a long post.

Financial Support

I am working on the financial part now. When we bought our house I had agreed to pay $300 per month toward the mortgage. I don't know how or why or when I stopped doing this but I did. He was making all the payments for the mortgage and utilities and groceries, car insurance truck payment and health insurance premiums. (He makes twice what I do) still no excuse for me to change our agreement without mutual agreement. It's not to say I was not contributing anything, but I was not contributing as much as I could have. I made the choice to work on getting us out of debt (yes, notice the words I made that choice and told him that is what I was doing) I took his lack of a response as an agreement instead of asking him if he thought that is what WE should be doing.

I am trying now to do my part. It may be to little to late but since he has moved out, I have been paying all the utility bills and he makes the mortgate payment (I can't afford the mortgage payment). Son had said that H said he would pay the bills as usual but I felt it was something I should do.

H has always been the one to hold a job the entire time we have been married. For the first 5 years after the birth of our youngest son, I didn't work, again I made the decison NOT to work which ended up causing our house to be foreclosed and forced us into bankruptcy.

I am the one that ran up the credit card bills that I was working on paying off. Because of my lack of maturity in handling credit cards, I ran them up and finally many years later was working on paying them off. Again it was me that caused the financial issues. I always knew having a Savings was important to my H and I would have supported that whole heartidly if I knew what his comfort level was. I even asked him this before, "How much would WE have to have in the bank for you to feel comfortable financially". His reply as usual to everything was I don't know.

I have also changed jobs several times with long breaks in between jobs. Again with no discussion, just made the decision on my own. I often thing I am afraid of suceeding so I set myself up for failure. To me even that doesn't make any sense.

I am also the one who about five years ago was severally depressed when I thought our marriage was over and I had a mental break down and attempted suicide. I was under a Dr's care and was on numerous anti-depressants. At one time the Doctor had me taking 13 pills a day, (it seemed like everytime he gave me one pill or changed my medicaiton he would have to get me another to counter act some of the side effects of the new medicine) and while medical studies show that some anti-depressants cause some people to have suicide thoughts, I have no idea if it was that or not, but there is no excuse for what I did. Hopefully God will forgive me for that. I don't think my H can ever forgive me.

Honesty and Openess # 2 as I see it on H's EN list

As honest as I am being now, this is proably the most honest I have been in my life. I never felt I was good enough for my H since he came from a much better family then I did, so I always tried to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I think somewhere along the way I even forgot who I was.

This was never anything H said or even implied it was just an assumption I had. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and use to always tell H he grew up in a Beaver Cleaver Family.

Until H left I can't honestly say that I really knew or showed how much I loved him. During our whole marriage, I kept a part of my heart locked away because I knew since I wasn't good enough for him he would wind up leaving me anyway. So this was a self protection mode for myself.

Part of it came from feeling unloved as a child and then in my teen years it seems like every guy I fell for wound up leaving me. My First Love wound up marrying my brother's X wife. That was when I put up the first wall.

Then when I got married for the first time (at the age of 17) it was to my cousins X boyfriend. I knew I didn't love him and no I didn't marry him to spite her, it was because I felt sorry for him because she had cheated on him (dumb choices we make huh) and I also wanted out of my parents house. That marriage was over after 3 years and 1 child.

Admiration

That is one that I thought I was fullfilling for my H. I always told him how much I appreciated what he does for the family. I would tell him how smart he is and how lucky I was to have him for a husband.

Sexual Fullfillment
This was another area I thought we were okay in. We had different sleeping habits and different preferred times but would try to make time during the day on the weekends. Sure there were times we didn't because one of us wasn't in the mood. I guess this stopped when he became sexual with the OW.

Recreational Companship
I was a total failure at this. H loves to race, I knew this before I married him and yet I always felt I was in compitetion with racing. To me the OW during our marriage for so many years was in fact not someone else but was his racing. I wanted to come first.

It got to where I hated racing but didn't tell him how I felt, I just harbored the anger inside. Granted he didn't race all the time, but when not racing it seemed like he was getting ready to race. I would not go to racing events with im because I was bored and hated it so much.

Yet I wanted H to do things with me that I enjoyed. I would often suggest for us to join a bowling league together (he doesn't like bowling much - has tendonitis and hates to loose - funny though in racing he doesn't look at it as wining or loosing he just goes to have fun. When he didn't join a league with me, I joined one by myself. H showed a lot more support for my enjoyment of bowling then I did for his racing. He would stop by the bowling alley on his way home from work if it was my night to bowl and stay a few minutes just to be able to say HI.

Well in looking at all of the above I can see how it was so easy for someone else to enter his life and take care of the things that as his wife I was not doing. I'm not even sure after writing this that if I was him I would want to be married to me.

I do apologize for the length of this posting. I got on a roll and sometimes when things are written things become so much clearer.

I am thinking I might copy and paste this and give him a copy of it and asking him to please read it. Opinions?

Hubby is in the garage now working on his car. I mentioned to him that I will be going to counseling and invited him to join me. He got that "hateful" look in his eyes. I then said it was only an inviation and that I will go regardless. He seemed to calm down after that.

I took him out a 4 pack of Starbucks Coffee that you buy in th e grocery store and it had a note on it that said, "These are for no other reason than I thought you might enjoy them". Does that count as putting something into his Love Bank?

The neighbors are selling their house so their real estate agent is having an open house later this afternoon and I asked him if he will go with me. He said okay as long as the home owners are not at home. He would feel funny looking at a neighbors house. I was just trying to get him to do something with me. I know it's not much but a few weeks ago when I invited him out for a drink he turned me down, so I knew it had to be something small to get him to agree to. Funny how now the least little things mean a big deal to us.

I copied and pasted the posting made above into word and changed it slightly then printed it out, and took it out to him and laid it down and said, "I owe you an apology, and this is for you to read sometime". He looked mad when I said that, but as I told him, it's something I felt I owed him. Even if it makes no difference to him, it made a difference to me putting it on paper.

I don't want to smother him in the garage, but I so want to spend some time with him I'm at a loss so here I sit inside the house trying to give him some room so he feels that Home is not always a place for confrontations.

What have others done in this situation?

Another thought here, I need to trace a license plate number to try to locate b****** parents address. I googled looking for tracing services and actually found several. I paid for one search site because it said cross license plate searchs were free for members. Well if the are, I can't fiugre out how to access the free search because it keeps taking me to another site that wants to charge $70 for this information on top of the $30 membership I already paid.

Anyone know of a good place or have a membership to someplace that they can get me information on a license plate?

Les,
Don't know about tracking plates, but as far as what you should do when he's around, I think you're doing great.

Give him some space. Make your contacts with him pleasant (like the coffee), but brief. Appear pleasant, calm, happy. Be the first to end the conversation & leave the room. Do not discuss relationship or other stressful issues if at all possible. If he tries to pull you into a fight, just end the conversation on a pleasant note and leave the room. Make your home warm & inviting. Find something to agree with him about even if he says awful, hurtful, or untrue things. For example: WH: 'I don't love you anymore." You: "Yes, it seems that way right now." Dont' argue. Do something a little unexpected, but not annoying, such as turning on some music inside the house. Maybe leave other signs around the house that you are having a life, even if you're not. Such as a brochure for a trip, or something like that. Look good, but not obviously dressed up. Continue to feed his LBank as much as you can without pressuring him or making him uncomfortable.

On a separate note, please, please consider taking action to protect your finances. At the least, see if you can monitor the situation, and if he starts spending $ like Believer's WH, then you may need to take legal action to stop that and protect your fuutre.

You are strong and smart. I love how you are using that car ad to get an email from him saying where he lives. Brilliant. If I were half as strong as you are during my ordeal, things might have turned out better for me (and I don't mean with regard to the M, I mean with regard to everything in my life). I'm cheering for you!

Thank you Neverthesame. I have to admit though sometimes the things I come up with even amaze me. H won't start an argument with me while he is here, he will try to avoid me as much as possible. I might go out and get him and I a sandwich from Subway (now that I said that I have to wonder if they are open). H is such a health food eater (veggie sandwich from subway) that it's not like I can just run to Burger King and get him something if Subway is closed. I am just trying to fill his love bank up. I'm not sure he will eat it if I buy it, but won't matter because he will still know I bought it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I might invite him to go for a bike ride (not motorcycles). I know he enjoys that, but I don't think he will go with me. He resented when I bought my bike and now I know the reason is because he was using the time when he was out riding to talk on the cell phone to the b****. He knew that if I went riding with him he could not use that time to talk to her. (On second thought, if Subway is open and I get the sandwiches, then not going to offer the bike ride, don't want him to feel smothered).

My focus as far as he will know for the week will be to add points to his Love Bank. What he won't know is I am also gathering information for my exposure. I figure a few points in the love bank first can't hurt.

It is so difficult for me NOT to go out there and try to get answers from him. I am having to bite my tongue when I talk to him to keep the questions from surfacing.

The best thing to do right now, is get busy scrubbing the toilets. Then scrub the rest of the house.

That's what I used to do. It is good for your self-esteem to have a sparkling clean house.

Whew! That's a lot to take in, Leslie. My first thought is, while writing all this down can help you organize your thoughts very well, it's not good for you to be up all night. I see you're not happy with anti-depressants but could you see a doctor for something milder than what you were on...just something to even out your mood and let you sleep?

A couple of points in your plan. It's legitimate to do what you can to create discord between the duo in the fantasy world, but take care not to do anything that might appear to be vindictive or spiteful. Explain what you are doing to your attorney too. She needs to understand that while she's there to guard your back, you're still working hard on salvaging the marriage. I see rational explanations with desired results for each action in your plan and I think if anyone raised a question of harassment, your plan can be easily defended in court, should things come to their worst. Please be careful, though, to always take the high road. Have your reasons for doing everything. (Perhaps even document them? With your attorney’s concurrence, of course.) When in doubt, run an issue by your attorney.

Believer suggested you safeguard your finances. I'd like to reinforce that suggestion. Get credit cards issued in your name (if you don't already have them), set up checking and savings accounts your husband cannot access. I know your attorney can have a legal separation agreement or make a filing for spousal support while a divorce action works its way through the system, but you'll need something to live on until anything is approved by the court.

I've never used one of those commercial lookups for license plate and VIN information. How about turning it over to your PI and letting him do it? It sounds like you'd be paying just about the same amount of money as you would to one of those websites and you'd have a lot more guarantee of success. PI's have contacts, who have other contacts, who know people, who...and like that. I bet he could find all of the people and addresses you want in a single afternoon. If the agency is any good (and it sounds like it is), they already have subscriptions to all of the good websites and know where to find public records (DMV, court, county clerk, etc.) online.

I assume your attorney has all of the information gathered by your PI? If not, and if it's not appropriate yet to give it to her for some reason, find some place out of your home to store it where your husband and children can never have any access.

You've done more introspection than most people do in a lifetime, but be careful about assigning too much blame to yourself. Something you need to always be aware of is that nothing on God’s green earth you’ve ever done, or not done, justifies adultery. Please read the first part of Surviving An Affair. Dr. Harley identifies adultery as the cruelest, most self-indulgent and self-centered choice a spouse can make. It is a choice he made. Frankly, your sum contribution to his adultery may have been to not do everything you could to prevent it, but he bears ALL of the responsibility for his decisions he’s made. Never doubt that…not for an instant.

Now, you’ve said you hesitated to expose at your husband’s workplace because you’re concerned it will push him farther away. Leslie, I don’t know how much farther he can get than he is right now. He won’t speak to you, he gets defensive at every question, he doesn’t like to get small things from you...I doubt he'll let you touch him and he seems resentful you're even there, right? How much worse can it get?

That having been said, let me point out something. Marriages can survive anger, guilt, and a ton of embarrassment. They cannot survive with a third person intruding into the relationship.

Exposure is the strongest tool you have at your disposal right now to put an end to this adultery. Such things can only exist in secrecy and in the darkness. When everyone knows, the secrecy begins to break down, the harsh light of day shines in and Fantasy Land is suddenly not all that great a place to be. Make it as hard as you can for your WH and the OW to keep their secret life out view. If exposure is your best weapon to smash the adultery into shards, exposure at your husband’s workplace is the place where it will have the greatest effect.

He will be furious if you do, by the way. He will rant and rave...and probably use words you didn’t know he had in his vocabulary. At some point, he’ll swear he was thinking of coming back and working on the marriage but now he wouldn’t if his life depended on it. Also, he’ll tell you “she” has nothing to do with all the problems in the marriage. You’ve ruined “everything,” he’ll tell you. He’ll say anything that comes into his alien brain…and won’t remember any of them two minutes after they come out of his mouth.

Don’t worry about what he says. It’s the alien talking and they have small minds. Picture him with some alien head on your husband’s body…maybe something from the bar scene in “Star Wars?”

In short, let everything that spews from his mouth fly right over your left shoulder. Do NOT take it personal; it’s not your husband talking. Stay calm. You’re sorry he feels this way. Yes, there are things you two could work on in the marriage. You regret things got to this point, etc., etc.

Yes, your husband will react with anger, but he already has. From your descriptions of events, I see a LOT of anger in him and I’m stumped in trying to understand it. Nothing you’ve done so far justifies it in the slightest. I suspect he’s a prime candidate for a goodly amount of therapy and counseling, and I also suspect he’ll avoid that like the plague.

One final thing. You said early on you think even if he wanted to come home right now, you’d ask him to get an apartment while you two worked on your other marital problems. Please reconsider that. You don’t work on strengthening a relationship by separating yourselves from each other. You’ve lived in the same home while things were slowly deteriorating; you can live together while you jointly work on making what you had before much better. Plan A isn’t going to have the desired effect if you’re simultaneously pushing him away. Please think about it, okay?

Leslie, I think you’ve got a darn good plan, with the minor reservations I brought out above. Stay in contact with your attorney and for her advice and support while we here on MB support you from another angle.

You’re apprehensive about doing all this and your marriage still not recovering. I’ll be blunt. That’s a very real possibility. It happens. On the other hand, you’re doing the only things that have a possibility of bringing your husband back to your side. The potential is there for the marriage to be stronger than it ever was before. If it doesn’t turn out that way; if it does end in “Plan D,” you’re going to be able to stand tall and apologize to no one because you did everything you could to make this work. Hang in there, Lady (and get some sleep, okay?).

Hi Leslie,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. My FWS and I have been married for almost 24 years- hard to believe someone you invested your life in can betray you, isn't it?

I sincerely hope you can work the plan you making for your self. In the long-run you can recover even if your marriage doesn't.

I think going to counseling is a good thing- just make sure your counselor is pro-marriage.

Plan A includes exposure. Exposure is usually the best tool one has to break up an affair. I know you are hesitant to expose to his office, but what other options do you have? I suppose you could buy a billboard, but then his office would still see. Aside from that, I think writing a letter to his supervisor would be the best option. Do it in a manner that says you are trying to save your marriage. Hopefully, the supervisor will have some influence with him.

Since you have so few other expoure targets, it seems that exposing at the office is all you have.

Make yourself and your house as attractive as possible to him- make it where it is a nice, non- confrontational place for him to come.

Put effort into meeting his needs.

Keep reading and posting here

hang in there

Thank you for saying that. I went back and re-read my plan of action and if I am correct then #4 contacting the Dept of Motor Vehicles and #5 Contacting the Apartment Complex would be considered vindictive and I should eliminate those.

Definatly #4 would be that way, and since #5 even though it is exposure is not exposing to anyone that could make a difference to either H or OW.

I will eliminate both of those.

#7 is involvince my son and while he does have the best chance of talking to my H, I should really leave him out of it. I will do my best to do that.


I already have my own checking account that H can not access and my checks are direct deposit there. I need to check our joing checking account and have my name taken off of that. I will try to do that this week. As far as the credit cards, all the ones we had that I knew about and that show up on the credit report are deliquent as it is and are all closed.


I make enough to cover everything that has to be paid montly with the exception of the mortgage payment and they deliquent credit cards. I asked my attorney what happens if H stops making the mortgage payment. She said we will then file papers with the court requiring him to make the payments while waiting on the courts decision. I'm guessing at that time also I would then have to go ahead and file for legal seperation or divorce

Great suggestion about having the PI hget that information. He may already has it and if not like you said he can get it for me. I guess I got caught up in playing super slueth.


No the attorney does not have it. I took in what I had when I went in for my consultation and let her look at it, but since I had not hired her or proceeded with any further action I did not leave anything with her. I do not keep it at the house. It is kept someplace that only I have access to.

The PI's information that was gathered is kept with him. I had not thought of this because he told me typically he keeps it all, but I think I am going to request copies of his report and let him keep the originals for chain of custody reasons. Mainly what will happen should my attorney and I think we need his services is he will be supuoened (spelling ?) to court to testify.

Yes I have done a lot of self examination but I did it for myself more then anything else. I can't make changes if I don't know what I have to change. I know it may have sounded like I was down playing what he has done, but by no means did I mean to do that. He was and is the one that makes the conscious decision to return to her house daily.

My biggest fear is if I exposed him at work he will wind up filing papers but now as I sit here and think about it I'm not sure that is any worse then the limbo I am living in now knowing he goes home to her every night. I know I will need someone to help critique the letters I send to his employer so perhaps after I write them, you would be willing to look them over and offer suggestions?


Thank you again for reminding me of this.


I heard that one the day I confronted him.

He also said the day I confronted him, I bet you don't know I'm seeing a counslor, do you? He was right I didn't nor do I know why. I have never been invited to go with him nor had he chosen to share his reasons for going. To me this implies that he is working on self-issues. Maybe this will help with the anger. So far it hasn't seemed to though.


I know you are right on this one. I was wrong in saying that and more then anything I think it was from a "Well you left me" stand point, and trying to control a situation. I'm learning that I can't control things. I will retract that statement and stop thinking in those terms. If H leaves OW I will hope he makes the choice to come home so we can try to work on things from that perspective.

Thank you so much for holding my hand and walking me through this. I hope someday I can come back and be as much of a help to others as you are to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure I will sleep great tonight though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I thought exposure was in Plan A. I will be drafting the letters this week to do that. It will be one of the hardest things I have to do.

Thank you for your words on encouragement. I am listening to everything that is said and absorbing it as quickly and as throughly as I can.

I now understand that exposure is necessary to break up their little safe haven.

The other thing to consider is that this might be mostly related to a mid-life crisis type thing. You could check out the MLC boards on the internet.

You know that this will never work between them, so I suggest you continue developing a good life. He will most likely want to join you.

I was not able to save my marriage, but my life is good again. I am a completely different person than before. I got very busy - started my own business, volunteered, cleaned like crazy, rearranged the house, planted a garden, detailed the car, organized, joined a women's bible study group, and let all my friends know I wanted to get out and do things. It was very therapeutic.

Believer, I do believe it is Mid Life Crisis. I have read forums on Mid Life Crisis boards along with purhasing a few books regarding MLC. However what I see there that I don't agree with is while most all say it's Mid Life Crisis they continue to live in the Limbo Land for very long periods of time. I believe the longer the affair continues between him and the OW the more of an emotional bond they start to have. That is why I can see the exposure is necessary to help to escalate the end of the affair.

Even if H is in MLC it does not condone the cheating. I also agree it will not work between them and that is why I am here reading and learning what I can do in hopes that when it ends he wants to join me. I do plan on setting a time limit I am willing to wait before proceeding with further action in regards to filing papers.

Leslie, I'm glad you've decided to expose to your H's employer.

Your letter to Human Resources should be short ant factual:

"Dear Whomever: I regret to inform you that my H, (WH name), is having an adulterous affair with (OW Name).

I am working hard in hopes of reconciling with my H. I am asking for your support in the restoration of our marriage by not allowing (WH Name) to use his position and resources to further enable the affair. Any cooperation you can offer will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Mrs. Leslie47"

Yes, he will rant and rave and pitch a big ol' hissy fit, but that is what they all do. Just maintain a calm demeanor , develope a look of innocent puzzlement, and say, "Gee, honey, if things with OW are so great, I figured that you would want everybody to know!"

If he talks about divorce, just say, "I don't do divorce. I only do marriage. When you are ready to talk about rebuilding our marriage into the wonderful one I believe we can have, I'll be happy to talk with you." Then, go about your business in a cheerful manner.

In addition to making your home as warm and inviting as possible, make sure you are looking your best at all times.

Get some makeup that will help hide traces of any crying or dark circles under your eyes. Make sure you wear some perfume that your H especially likes.

Have something good-smelling cooking when your H comes over. Maybe have his favorite snack made and out in the open..like a plate of brownies or something. It's O.K. to ask him if he wants something to eat.

Find something to smile about. Maybe find a joke that he would like and tell it to him. Just light and friendly talk for now, with just a tiny bit of flirtation tossed in.

Maybe, after a while, be all dolled up and headed out the door when he comes over. Be myserious about where you're going, even if it's just to the grocery store.

Maybe do something different with your hair, get a flattering new outfit that is a little different from what you normally wear.

You sound like the kind of person who does her homework well. You can pull this off! You can practice in front of a mirror until you get it down pat.

Just let any unkind or cruel remarks go over your head. Check out Orchid's post for reverse babbling. Some good reverse babbling should set your WH's head to spinning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You go, girl! You can win your H back!

Wow, I look outside and h has left. He didn't even bother to come in and tell me good bye. How could anyone be so cruel to do that when I went out of my way today to be nice and not pry for information, nor did I hoover over him all day.

I notice though the note I left him was no longer in the garage, so at least he either read it or threw it away, but whichever he chose to do was his choice. I wrote and said what I wanted to and that was my reason for doing so.

Leslie, exposure is usually done to begin Plan A, but it surely needs to be done before starting a Plan B. As believer mentioned earlier, please consider staying in Plan A for now but begin thinking of a definite time frame for terminating that and beginning Plan B. As you read through Surviving An Affair, you'll find Dr. Harley recommends women work on Plan A for an average of 3 months. An average is built from lesser lengths of time, and greater, but Dr. Harley stresses betrayed spouses must have a good idea of how long to apply Plan A precepts.

I think you are correct with every one of your deletions from your plan. You have it exactly right. You expose to people who can contribute to breaking this up. Kudos!

I also think you’re right in getting copies of all the PI’s reports, photos, etc. I know your attorney could subpoena them from him, but this way, they are quickly available if she needs a question answered, etc.

You’ve already done the work to secure your finances. Excellent.

Introspection is good and you’re entirely correct. We cannot improve ourselves if we do not recognize what is improvable. I’ve seen any number of betrayed spouses, though, who began to take personal responsibility for everything that had ever gone wrong in their marriage. That’s as invalid as refusing to admit there are things one can work on. You seem to have a good handle on it and you understand Plan A is more for you than it is your wayward husband. Great!

Of course. We will all be more than happy to help with your exposure letters and your Plan B letter if it gets to that. That’s why we’re here.




Bingo! A gray, hopeless limbo is debilitating. It tears a person down and adds nothing back. A divorce hurts. I’ve been through one and I can personally vouch that the pain is no fun. But…once it’s over, a person can begin rebuilding and reorganizing their life. Additionally, consider this. One doesn’t file for divorce and have it finalized the next afternoon. When it’s contested, it can take lots and lots of time…years, in fact.

That’s the beauty of having your attorney already familiar with your case. She can protect you from the ravages of a hostile divorce petition filed by your husband (and draw things out for as long as humanly possible) while you stay in as much of a Plan A as you can. When he wants to talk settlement, you tell him you only talk marriage. If he wants to talk divorce, you say he must see your attorney. You can smile serenely and turn the conversation to the courses you said you were taking toward that Associate’s degree. Here’s the time you ask if he wants to go for that bike ride too. (When is that class?) You can talk about the grandchild you two have. See all the possibilites for Plan A'ing him even during those times?

Here’s a thread that goes along in that vein too:

The Carrot And The Stick Of Plan A


Hang in there, Leslie. Like the others have said, keep busy with things to take your mind off this. By the way, I’m sure you will get through this and come back to help others…and you’ll do it very well.

Okay I am getting ready to send his parents an e-mail exposing H's affair. How should I word it? They live in FL and I don't think exposing it to them will help any but it's place for me to start.

Leslie, tell them about the affair and ask for their help and influence in saving your marriage. Tell them you would appreciate anything they could do for you.

But if i were you, I would do all of your exposures at the SAME TIME. The reason is because you will get the maximum impact and you will just be dealing with ONE blow out instead of several. If you scatter the exposures out, it gives the affairees time to recover from each one, whereas, when they are all done together, the dam breaks from numerous leaks because they can't get to them all.

After you expose, you understand that he will initially be furious, right?

Ditto what Melody said, Leslie. Melody is our resident expert on exposure so let her words guide you in that phase of your plan.

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