Thank You Shellybird,

I have thought about why counselor wanted us to do this at home and there are three things that come to mind, (1) he knew there was to much going on to do in MC'g (limited # of visits that insurance pays for) and (2) was hoping since H followed up on assignement before this he must have thought H would follow through on this one (3) When MC assigned the homework, I told counselor that I though H would feel safer doing this in MC'g and MC's reply was that H and I must learn to talk to each other (granted the assignment was not a talking to each other one)

Hopefully once he finds out H didn't follow through he will change tactics. All I know is what I did prior to MC'g wasn't working so have to listen to others now.

First I will see what MC'r has to say about H not following through and what MC does at that point. One of the bad things about H is if he is asked anything he doesn't want to be asked by me, then he calls it harrassing. Even if it's only asked once. Anything other then idle chit chat is harrassment to him.

So many things I want to bring up in MC (i.e. H not committing to marriage, secrecy - e-mail, not giving me acccess to cell phone info, P.O. Box, secret bank accounts)I guess I would start with some of that. I have to search inside myself and make sure if I call them boundaries that I am prepared to move out if he isn't willing to be transparent. I would have no problem eliminating relationship talk with H if we could at least discuss it in MC'g. (What an awesome idea, I may say that) I think something like that would help both of us because H wouldn't have to wonder everyday if the R talk would start, and I would know that we could talk about R at least once a week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Please give example of this.

Leslie,

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? It is very helpful in showing both sides how to communicate with the other gender.

L.

Orchid,

Yes I have read HN/HN and that has been a great help. H isn't willing at this time to fill out the EN so that I can truely determine his EN rather then me having to guess. However I do know conversation is [bold]NOT[/bold] one of his top five. I'd put it closer to the bottom. However it is my #1 EN. I guess you can see a conflict here.

The top ones for my H in my opinion would be Admiration, SF, Financial Support.

FS[/color] (I am working on meeting his need for FS , I will be giving him a check every month to help cover the mortgate since this was or original agreement. (Just find it hard to do since he makes twice as much as I do, and I was using the money to pay off bills and get us out of debt. He won't sit down with me and do a budget.)

[color:"red"]SF[/color] If this counts as sleeping in the same bed, I got that covered. J/K here. H won't even give me a hug or even hold my hand much less allow me to meet any need here.

[color:"red"]Admiration[/color] This one I am trying but it's hard. I tell him how nice he looks when he comes home at night (don't see him in the mornings since I have to leave before he gets up. I compliment him on his guitar playing (he's been taking lessons) I tell him how smart I think he is because it never seems like he has to study much for school assignments. He can take a computer apart or diagnose computer problems, When someone at his work needs computer things done fast and well they know my H is the man. He has even been called on to help the IT dept when they get stuck and he's not even in that dept.

[color:"red"]Recreational Companionship[/color] This one I have failed at big time. He enjoys racing (not as in watching it but actually racing) I hate racing. He told our counselor that if I were to go racing with him he would feel rushed. (whatever that is suppose to mean. In addition he gets more vacation days per year then I do. So when he goes racing he is usally gone 4 days at a time. I have a difficult time taking any Monday or Friday off due to work responsbilities. I have tried going outside and just sitting and trying to talk to him while he's piddling on his racing stuff and I find out that he thinks that is suffocating him. So it makes him angry (according to him)

No matter how much I try right now, he's not willing to open his heart and let me meet any of the EN's of his.

Now don't get me wrong, I do not blame H for our marraige getting to this point. I know it took both of us for our marriage to disenegrate to this point. THe affair was his choice though so I do not take responsbility for that. So while I am not meeting his EN's (but am trying) he is not meeting any of mine (nor is he trying).

I think he's afraid to vocalize his anger towards me because then he may find he still cares. Right now, he doesn't WANT to care.

Oh for an update, I went to the Dr. yesterday and he said I have wheezing in my chest but we caught it before it went into Pneumonia. (my colds have a tendenancy to go there). I am on a antibiotic and something to force me to clear my lungs. I am coughing so much today. But I got a day off. He wrote a note and said NO WORK today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Leslie, do you have a very thick skull? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



WITHDRAWAL!!! Well, hopefully, WITHDRAWAL!!

He continues to THINK that he is "IN LOVE" with the OW.

He will notice you trying to meet his needs.

Have you pulled out SAA yet?

Mimi I am still doing what I can. For example when he went out last night and was vacumning the pool I went out side and started skimming it. I guess I could have told him how sexy he looks while vacumning. So I'm still working on the Companionship, Conversation and Admiration at the same time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I go outside also when he's working on something and will talk to him for a bit, but not stay to long because I know I wouldn't appreciate someone hoovering over me.

I know he's in withdrawal and I'm dealing with that. I am trying to meet his EN as well as I can. Luckily for me I have homework to keep me busy so as much as I would love for him to meet my EN's now, I know he can't right now. This doesn't mean I have to like it though.

I have NO plans to try to talk about R with him. I talk about everything else instead. (weather, guitar, work, cat, etc) I will wait to MC'g session to bring up the transperancy issues. Until then my lips are sealed.

OK. GREAT!! This last post was right on target.

You've got it.

I'm remembering now. During our Recovery, this was my chance to focus more on myself..my personal recovery really began. While meeting his ENs..which does get old..start meeting your OWN NEEDS rather than looking for him to do so..he won't be able to at this time...

He's wounded..he's healing..he's a mess...

So are you...

I remember being SO ANXIOUS...

Whatever you can do for yourself that is SOOTHING to you will be helpful...

I talk to myself does that count as meeting me own need for Conversation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes..indeedy!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had a session w/ SH today...check my thread.

Yes..some helpful advice there for you on Cha-Cha's thread..from the mouth of the Master Counselor....

Thanks ChaCha for sharing that. I have to agree with Steve about discussing past issues with a 3rd party there. That was what I had mentioned it to the MC after I found out what he wanted us to do for homework.

When I interviewed MC'r I asked him if he heard of this website and he said Yes. I don't recall that he said much more about it. Kinda of tough for me to try to suggest to a MC'r what we should do. I don't want to come across like I know more then he does. Maybe saying something like "I think it may be eaiser for me to open up MC'g then if I try to do it at home" This way I am focusing on me (actually though I think it may be easier on H). Think that would work?

This weeks agenda for me in MC'g if I get the chance to bring it up will be the Transparency Issues (cell phone and emails).

I don't think H is seeing OW anymore but I am not convinced that they are still not talking or emailing. Even though the NC letter was written and H said he has had no contact with her, something is still fishy with the phone.

Long Horn where are you? You disappeared on me.

Nope, I are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I haven't seen anything I could add to the information and encouragement you're getting from others so I've been quiet.

You're doing good Leslie. This rollercoaster is a mess at the best of times and right now it's in one of those valleys we all hate. I hope the car will hit one of the upslopes soon. Hang in there, lady.

Longhorn, if you've got time, I'd really appreciate you addressing my question on the "Just Found Out" forum, since it's about something you wrote about a "narrow window of opportunity".

We have another MC'g appointment at 8:00 this morning. I have a feeling it's not going to be a pretty session. I have no visual proof that H is still in contact with OW, but his lack of willingness to provide me the cell phone passwords leads me to believe he is. I am going to bring this up in MC this morning. The only thing right now that will keep me trying is if he provides me the cell phone information. This is liable to be the end of the rope as I expect H to become real defensive and it will give him something more to be angry with me over.


As someone once told me from this board "As long as there is OP in marriage, then there is no marriage"

Well there is a M just not a very satisfying one for both parties. As long as there is contact w/ OP there can be no recovery.

When you have the session today I am sure the MC will ask how the assignment went. Let your WH explain it. Let him speak w/o interuption then when he is done tell your side of it.

You may want to bring up the trust issue. Ask MC for suggestions for things you could do to regain trust in your H. You don't feel safe that he is looking out to protect you from further hurt. Hopefully MC will say he needs to be an open book. Or ask you what you would like from WH...then list passwords, trancparency, etc... It might come off better that way. Rather then you presenting a list of "demands" to a H who is already angry and resentful.

Good luck..let us know how it goes.

Not sure my marriage is worth hanging on to anymore.

Hi, Leslie.

Sorry to intrude on your thread, I haven't kept up with your entire story. But from reading the last couple, it sure sounds like you're getting pretty frustrated with it all.

I've been there. Even wrote a post of "is it really even worth it"? Sometimes it feels like the BS is doing all of this work to try to win back WS, and we just get kicked for our efforts. It sucks.

What helped me was to have a long-term goal, a specific date. I will give it all I've got, even when it sucks and hurts, until that date. Then I have a light at the end of the tunnel. We will either be on the road to working out by then, or I will be much better off without him.

Being able to focus on that date made some of the big dips and valleys a little easier to take. I used those times to especially make the plans I needed to have covered if it came to me being on my own.

I still have bottom-out days and still have my plan, which helps a lot.

Don't know if it will help you, since I don't know your whole sitch. I just heard myself in your post so thought I'd tell you what worked for me.

Good luck.

Did you have your MC session this morning?

You sound very discouraged.

You sound like you need a break from all this. There is so much stress when you are trying so hard and want it to work so much. Can you do something nice for yourself today? Take a break and spoil yourself?

For the longest time my WH was home...that was basically it. His attitude was "I'm here aren't I?" Like it was a big sacrifice. He wouldn't open up about anything. Kind of brooding..."It doesn't matter what you do..I'm just gonna be miserable." Its hard living like that. I had to focus on myself (which is hard for me) he had no intention of fullfilling any of my EN.

Do you think he is still in contact w/ow?