I sit here today almost 3 years after my wifes A.

I have been through about 20 d Days all worse then the last. During the first few D Days she seemed somewhat remorseful but this last one really took the cake.

I asked her if she had sex with OM on our anniversary, which she denied for the last two and a half years and her response was "Yes" then she said "next question". I asked if she had sex with him on my son's birthday she said "yes" next question. When I asked how many times she had unprotected sex, which she told me only once, she said every time. I said you weren't even on the pill and you made me wear a condom. She said nothing I can do about it now it's not like I got pregnant. No remorse at all. When I said I can't believe you lied to me for so long she said I wasn't lying. I just didn't see any reason to tell you.

Now that it is out on the table I am very hurt of course. Next month is the anniversary of the A. I am already feeling the dread of that time. How am I supposed to spend my wedding anniversary with her when she did that.

Now I am trying to move toward recovery but my FWW thinks that the best thing to do is just to move on and forget about it.

I had to do both of our EN's because she refused. When I bring up the Love Bank she thinks it is ridiculous. Of course it is because it would mean she would have to work to fill my EN's.

I have tried everything when it comes to fullfilling her EN's as I know them. She calls me 3-6 times a day and talks for about an hour about her day. She wants affection and I show it to her like none other. It sucks trying to give her compliments because I get a ten minute disortation about how I am wrong about the way she looks.

Over the last 3 years I have seen minimal deposits into the LB but some major withdrawls. If I were to be realistic about it we still have years of work to do if we both participate in making our M better. She seems to just want it to go back to the way it used to be. Which by the way after the A we figured out it was better for her pre A then it was for me. Our first MC said that when we first came to him he thought I would have an A because of the way she treated me.

I can't forget about what happened I need her to show me she is willing to work toward recovery but nothing is working. I am at the point of giving up because I think 3 years of torture is enough.

I don't even want SF with her right now because of the way I feel about her.

This morning she called me crying because she made another bad decesion that affects the whole family. We are stuck living in an apartment no one likes because she wanted to move in to it. She said "Why do I always make bad decesions". She wants me to yell and scream so she can feel better about it. If I do she can say how long are you going to be mad about this.

I don't even have the energy to be mad at her anymore. I really just don't want to be with this person anymore.

I am tired of feeling like I am not worth her efforts.

Refresh this old mind

what exactly does 20 D days mean?

more affair contact

or

more slow leaking of the details of the 1 affair

?????

What is your recovery PLAN that you and W have POJA'd???

hours spent together
counseling
accountability
care & protection
NC

you know, the basics


Pep

If there is NC and you believe that you are on the recovery stage with WW, go the the Recovery section of this site. They are very good there, or at least better than in here, methinks, and they may be able to help you more with your recovery.

I feel your pain, and I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless.

More slow leaking of the details of the 1 A.

My plan has been to try to fulfill her EN's and show her I can be the H she once loved.

There is no POJA because she refuses to do any work towards recovery or joint agreement.

Hours spent together- a lot she needs contact with me on a constant basis.

Counseling started and stopped when I realized she was being dishonest with me and the MC about the A.

Accountability- I am held accountable for my shortcomings or mistakes. She uses the old "it is what it is when she makes a mistake."

Care & Protection- on my side I really try my hardest and sometimes fail on her side she tries to care and protect herself. (her own admission)

NC was easy he lived in another state and they have never had a chance to see each other again. She was on a 6 week vacation to see friends and family with my kids and spent that time with him instead of them.

I have tried the basics only to be told I am so wrong about everything I say. Like the Love bank she tells me it is crazy and stupid. Our MC suggested we do something that was like the EN questionairre she refused.

I could have wrote what you did. The part where your MC said that they would have expected you to have the affair. My wife was like yours and never met my needs.

I got the Harley books because they make so much sense. The problem is some men and women refuse to do what is necessary to make their spouse happy in a marriage. What I found is my wife did respond to the changes I made but only to the point I made her happy. She refused to follow them or do anything to meet my needs.

My MC looked at me and asked why I put up with it. I said because I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. But after I found out about the affair I wanted out and my wife's attitude has changed.

Look, in a marriage you need to expect that your spouse will meet your needs. If they refuse to do so and cheat on you then don't accept it. She treats you the way she does because you allow it.

Let her know you expect her to meet your needs and you expect to meet hers. I lost all love for my wife and now she is doing everything to keep me. I will never settle for that kind of treatment ever again.

I would rather be alone than with a person who sucks the life out of me. My point is don't allow it anymore. If she is unwilling to meet your needs your have 2 choices. You can accept it or not accept it. I cannot tell you what a change my wife made when I told her I had enough I want out.

If you have been a good husband then you should expect her to meet your needs. I wanted my wife to be happy and when I told her to go with OM have a happy life I want to move on she changed. I decided I would much rather have my wife happy with another man than to have to suffer with me.

It worked for me but what I am saying is don't continue with what you have been doing. I still don't know if I will stay with my wife. If not for the kids I would be gone but I have them to think about. But if she refuses to meet my needs then I will move on to another stage of my life. Good luck JMHO!

Here's my take....


this is strictly OPINION

if my H had not made recovery steps right away

I would have never attempted to save the marriage with one hand tied behind my back

here's my one piece of advice

call Harleys and ask them if they have a plan for uni-lateral recovery

personally, it would not be the way I would go ... but Harley's have years of experience with all sorts of unusual situations

they are the experts and I am not

Take care of yourself

Pep

Thank you for your perspective.

I have the two kids as well. If not for them I would have been gone when I found out.

Some of my resentment stems from the fact that she continued to cross every boundry I set for her. Like she had no remorse for her actions.

You hit the nail on the head when you said she was happy when you met her needs but didn't meet yours. That is exactly what I am going through.

You know one of our MC's asked me the same thing about why I stay. I have had so much fear when it comes to a D. Not because I am afraid for myself but I am afraid for my kids and even my FWW. She is not a strong person and obviously does not make good decesions. If we had gotten a D three years ago I would have had to take custody of the children which I am ok with but I didn't want them not to see their mom.

I want another stage in my life but I wanted it to be together. I just can't bring myself to ripping apart my family. I wonder if it is better for me to just get by so they don't have divorced parents. It's not like we fight all the time. I am just not happy with her.

***Some of my resentment stems from the fact that she continued to cross every boundry I set for her. Like she had no remorse for her actions.***

It's like they have to go on with the destructive and hurtful behavior just to prove there wasn't really anything wrong with it.

If they take the steps to repair the damage, that would be like admitting they'd done something wrong.

They're not going to do that.

So they do nothing.

And blame the problems this causes on you.

These are people who cannot look at themselves in the mirror.

They dare not look inward at who they really are, so they shut it all away and project a facade and blame everyone else for what is wrong in their lives.

Feel sorry for them.
Mulan

Has your wife had a psych evaluation?

Pep

I agree with that assesment Mulan.

When we started MC she blamed everything on me. Problem was that her issues were self inflicted or non existent. LOL.

I don't know if she was distructive because she wanted to prove she wasn't the wrong person. I just think she was so caught up in herself thats all that mattered.

She admits to doing wrong now but in her eyes there is nothing she should have to do because it happened three years ago.

When I bring up her actions post A she tells me I live in the past. I say give me a present and a future that is awesome and that won't be an issue.

No go. She called earlier and I didn't even answer the phone. Now I have to go home to get my son for baseball while she goes to an AA meeting. She will then find someone that has screwed up more then her and tell me about it. Wow you think you have it bad with me you should have heard what some of these other people have done.

She forgets these people have either made amends or lost the people they hurt.

Did y'all miss this little gem. Does that take the cake for the foggiest thing ever said by a WW??

God thank you for the laugh on that one.

We had an hour long discussion on what a lie was. She still denied lying. None of the new information which was different then what she told me before was a lie.

oh

I read on another thread

your wife drinks

yes?

Not any more. She is now 5 months sober.

YOH,

IMO you are not in recovery. Not M recovery and not personal recovery.

How much more of this can you take?

Call the MB counseling center, as Pep suggested.

You will get an accurate prognosis and a workable plan for your personal recovery.

Let your M come along for the ride if it wants to.

With prayers,

PS: How long has FWW been sober. It makes a difference.

ed: OK, I just saw your above post.

***When I said I can't believe you lied to me for so long she said I wasn't lying. I just didn't see any reason to tell you.***

I've been told the exact same thing. Every active WS insists that a lie of omission is NOT a lie. And they will fight you to the death on this one.
Mulan

Question: have you told her this? I mean, exactly how you laid it out above, where you believe that you are meeting her ENs, but she does not meet yours?

Have you discussed with her the importance of honesty in an M? That without honesty, trust goes, and along with it any value that you place on any commitment made between the two of you?

Thankfully my FWW has put her "lying by omission" ways behind her. At least, I think she has. I don't think I could continue a R with anyone that apparently is comfortable lying to me. Or one that doesn't show any remorse for the damage that her actions caused. I can't imagine staying in an M like what you've described.

YOH -

Agree with what Aphelion says.

I feel for you, I really do. But you are not in recovery.

In another post I teased you and said you are a half glass empty person. You said you're usually not, but then wrote several more paragraphs about how things won't work out.

You're angry. You're upset. You're cynical right now. You have every right to be. Yes, you're right things 3 years ago should have been handled better. You've had your leg broken, set wrong, never healed, and it needs to be broke again to make it heal.

If you post here to vent, that's okay.

But if you want recovery, I'd advise to quit focusing on what's not working and what you're upset about and what your FWW does not do or did not do.

I'm not saying move on or forget about it. I'm saying quit focusing on them. (Maybe you don't, but a lot of your posts look like you do).

I've seen you give others advise. Your obviously a smart, caring person, who feels like they have been doing the best they can and its not working. I fear when you dwell on what's not working, that it is a cancer eating away at you. I've got to assume that comes across to your FWW. This can't be good.

People here advise folks to get a plan for personal recovery and follow through on it. Peace of mind comes from the plan. Executing it and having faith that if you execute it, everything (including the old injury) will work out all right. Just like any good plan, set realistic milestones, prioritize, give each step of the plan your full attention, bounce ideas for your plan off other people. Once the plan is set, execute each part of it each day and don't worry about it.

From what you've posted, I really think you can save your M and both you and your FWW can be happy, without sacrificing and without settling.

Your FWW hurt you, she lied to you, she isn't all that repentent, you're tired and you feel like you're the only one working at it. Most things she does seem incredibly illogical to you. I felt that way a few months ago and I was sitting there shouting at the wind. I came real close to losing my job. I even posted on this board how I was leaving for awhile. And I left.

What finally did it for me, was to 1) quit trying to solve tommorrows problems today. 2) Quit treating recovery like a sprint and understand its a marathon. 3) To truly accept I can't control someone else. 4) to have faith that if I do what is right, everything else will work out for the best.

So, what is right for you? What actions should you take today for you to be happy?

I'm not trying to be harsh, I just know you can make it. Clear your head, come hear and give everyone your action plan. Let us suggest changes or improvements. Once its done, start your journey and get after it. Start enjoying life and let your FWW know she can come along.

Feel free to totally disregard my post if I'm way off base. Just trying to help.

Is she working some sort of sobriety program ... with a support group, or has she just stopped drinking?

A dry drunk is almost worse than a wet drunk. A dry drunk has anxiety off the chart (and the anxiety is always gonna be YOUR fault) and no life skills to manage everyday challenges.

I hope she has a female sponsor ... AA meetings can be a breeding ground for inappropriate relationships!

Pep

YoH -

You're getting a lot of good advice here. Unfortunately nothing I can add. Only that I can somewhat relate. I've got an A from 2.5 yrs ago to deal with AND the A from this year too. Haven't even started the recovery process. And as you know, my WW (FWW?) throws out the same mumbo jumbo yours does. How are we going to get through TWO As much less one???

I need a plan myself. It'll make me feel like I'm getting somewhere.

All the best. I'm watching and pulling for you. You're a good man.