Hello All,

I am new to this site and just looking for answers. My father passed away on April 23. The funeral was on April 27th. On April 29th I found out my new husband cheated on me with a stripper at his bachelor party. This is too much to take all at once. I have never cried so much for such different reasons in my life. Where do I go from here?

Let me start at the beginning. I had asked my then fiancé to not have the bachelor party for two reasons. The most obvious was my father's recent passing. However I had a gut feeling, mostly because of the crowd who would be there (men who disapprove of marriage and commitment), about this party. I left the final choice up to him and the results were disastrous. I found out 3 days later, 4 days before the wedding about his fling. I cancelled the wedding, but he begged, pleaded, cried, and promised to attend marriage counseling with me if I still married him. After many more tears and a lot of reflection, I agreed. It was hard putting up an act in front of our guests when behind closed doors I could barely stand to look at him, but we managed.

Now I don't know where to go from here. Our first counseling session isn't for another week, and I am still having nightmares that keep me up at night about this. I never thought that he would or even could do this to me. I feel so betrayed, so violated (that night he came home from the bachelor party, after being with HER, he was with me), feel so disgusted with him and with myself. Why was I not enough for him? Why two days after my father's funeral, a week before our wedding, commit such a horrific act of adultery?

This goes further than he knows. We are still having sex (mostly because I am still afraid he will go seek it somewhere else now), but I have not had an orgasm since I found out. I have gotten pretty good at faking it, although I do not wish to continue this charades. I just want things to go back like they were. When I didn't panic because he didn't come home when he said he would.

The next thing I am going to mention is his excuse for the infidelity. He keeps repeating, "It was a bachelor party" and "I was drunk and can't even remember the girl" like these are valid excuses. What do you think? Am I overreacting to something that may be a common thing for men to go through before marriage? The final fling?

Right now all I want is closure. Maybe tracking down the girl to see what she looks like (my competition). What did she have that he wanted, and that I couldn't offer? As soon as I started asking questions that may have led me to finding her, we got into this huge argument. He keeps telling me to let it go, and move on. That I am the one who is going to look stupid if I start asking around trying to track her down. Again I ask, is this a bad idea?

I know this is a lot to write for a first post. But I just needed to talk to someone, anyone who can give me any kind of helpful advice. I haven't spoken to any of my girlfriends because they all would have judged my decision to move forward with the marriage. As they say, "once a cheater, always a cheater!"

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Have you insisted that he get a medical checkup and tests for STD's? That should be the first priority.

Counseling should help. He needs to figure out how he could do something so disgusting right before your wedding. The fact that he was drunk is no excuse.

I would also stop faking the orgasms, and tell him exactly how you feel.

I have always hated bachelor/bachelorett parties because of the things that go on. I went to one for a bride, and had to leave because she got so disgusting with the male stripper. It made me ill.

You might want to go to general questions as there is much more traffic there.

Thank you believer for your advice. Just talking about it has helped a little.

I have asked him to get tested, although he hasn't gone yet. He understands where I am coming from and agrees.

I am also looking forward to therapy. Never thought I would say that. But I really do think it will help. Anything has to be better than this.

Hi,
Welcome. This is an excellent place for you to be right now. I do not claim to be an expert. I am dealing with infidelity as well and my struggles and feelings are likely similar to yours. Let me echo Believer- You must get tested. It is a horrible thing to have to do, but your husband's actions put your safety at risk. You must have him go for testing and you must also make an appointment with your OB/GYN for a full work-up for yourself. Yes, believe me I know you don't want to but you really must.
Next, the marital counseling will be wonderful. This stripper was not your competition and looking for her does not make any sense. Logically, you know this already. She is not the problem. Marital counsleing will help both of you sort through these issues and will likely highlight future areas of concern that you can address now.
Buckle in for a long and bumpy ride (Recovery is LONG and HARD, but the veterns here say it can be done!). With good marraige counseling and all the wonderful resources on this site, you can make it. I understand not wanting to confide to your friends (I have only told one or two trusted friends about my own struggles with my husband's affair). I would recommend reading everything Harley has on this site as well as a few books- His Needs/Her Needs, Torn Asunder and After the Affair by Spring. These resources have helped me. Please feel free to contact me. I wish you the best.

BPV, the problem is not what the stripper looked like; don't bother to go look for her. The issues are your new husband's insensitivity at a time of crisis for you and his lack of commitment to you at a time when his commitment should have been at its height. This is NOT a common thing for grooms to do, btw. Most men I know are embarrassed when strippers are brought into the party.

He said he got drunk. I don’t accept that. Apparently, he wasn’t so drunk he couldn’t have sex with her…and then you a short time later. I’m a guy. If I’m too drunk to remember what the girl looked like, I’m too drunk to have sex too.

If you are not comfortable having sex with him, stop. You will very shortly begin to resent having to “fake it” for no good reason. Get to a doctor as soon as you can and have the full battery of tests done to make sure you are not infected with an STD. Your wayward husband needs to know you consider his stalling on being tested himself is not in his best interests with respect to his health and to the health of the marriage.

I don’t know what you want to do about all this. Yes, you can get your husband to go to MC with you, but him not having your best interests at heart right from the beginning of your marriage is something I sure would wonder about. Once a cheater, always a cheater is not necessarily true, but cheating within days of taking solemn vows is a warning sign he may have some strange ideas about fidelity.

You have a major decision to make. If you want to annul the marriage or get a divorce, there are few who would say you are wrong. If you sit down with a counselor, get more advice from those you trust, and you decide you want to get this resolved and move on in your marriage, MB folks will help you move in that direction. I suggest you make it a very, very considered decision and then go with it. Best wishes, Lady.

Thank you all for the support. I have to admit I'm a little surprise to read such good advice on a forum. I was beginning to think I was crazy for feeling like this over something that according to my husband was "a unique event that will never happen again." He was starting to make me feel like I should be over this by now.

I am going to take all of your advice and get tested myself. At first I thought it would be enough to have him tested, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. You know, I would have thought at this point in my life that STD testing would be a non-issue. Life is funny that way I guess.

Again, I cannot thank all of you enough for the support and advice you have provided me. Like I mentioned before, I have not spoken to anyone else about this due to embarrassment and fear of judgment from others. But here I feel safe. I feel I can disclose anything without judgment. Thank you for that!

BPV, to try to convince you that you're "crazy" to still be disturbed about what has gone on is abuse. It's a manipulative technique called "gaslighting." Here's a link to a thread on the subject. If your read the definition, I think you're going to see him, and you, there.

Mulan's "Gaslighting" Thread

"Why was I not enough for him?"

I just re-read my post and apologize for the harshness of what is to follow...but you need a serious wake up call!

Your situation is so wrong on so many levels, I'm not sure where to begin. Why are YOU taking any accountability for this at all? Your h is a lying, malevolent jerk (SORRY, but he is). imo what you're most guilty of is bad judgment. He surrounds himself with guys who are contemptuous of women because he's contemptuous of women too, most notably you. I'd go to counseling alone if I were you - you need to figure out why you believe you deserve this crap.

I am sorry to be blunt, but I would be running away from this guy at the speed of light. How can you sleep with him and risk making him someone's dad?

One other thing - forget about the stripper. If your h didn't cheat with her, it would have been someone else. HE is the toxic one here.

Best of luck - keep us posted! ((hugs))

Hi there,

So sorry you are here. What an upheaval you have been through. I am so sorry about the loss of your father, and then the loss of what you dreamed your wedding day would look like.

Please be sure your MC is PRO-marriage. I am continually shocked by what some posters say their "MC" advised them. MC is an excellent first step to take.

I would also encourage you at the onset of your new M to BOTH read and IMPLEMENT His Needs/Her Needs.

Another thing that is important for ANY M, not just those marred by infidelity, is to have clear boundaries for the safety of your M. These should include total transparency by both of you...that means keeping no secrets..no emails/phone calls/outings that the other spouse is not aware of or could not be included in. And also a clear boundary about relating to the opposite sex. My H and I have an agreement that he will not talk to female coworkers about ANYTHING of a personal nature, and if they try to talk to him on a personal level he will quickly get out of the situation. He also does not ever have lunch alone or ride alone in a car with another female. This is just practical because feelings develop the more time spent with someone other than your spouse.

Also, because you are likely young and it sounds like your H has many unmarried friends, this must be a boundary to stay married. He has PROVEN by his actions on the EVE OF YOUR WEDDING that he cannot be trusted with these single friends, nor can he be trusted drinking alcohol without you present. He himself has admitted that alcohol was a catalyst to his infidelity, therefore he should have NO EXCUSE or PROBLEM with giving up drinking when not in your presence.

Searching for this stripper will serve you no purpose whatsoever, please let that go and focus on getting this M off to a healthy start.

I do not agree with the above poster that this M is doomed. On the contrary, if he can get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he has done and you both work together with a good MC and implement the wonderful MB principles on this site, you will be in a good position to create a strong M. All marriages hit bumps...yours came early. My H and I also had big bumps our first year....and unfortunatly in our 8th year had to deal with his A, but we have pressed on and worked together and are very happy.

Again, I am SO VERY SORRY that you are going through this. Your H needs to accept responsibility and show remorse and get on board with some serious recovery efforts and marriage building to get this new M on some solid footings.

Blessings to you,
Glad

Longhorn, Thank you for the link to "gaslighting." I read it and find it quite relevant to my situation. As for brigidscross, I appreciate your advice, but I'm not ready to give up yet. This is my husband's first offense, and I hope and pray that if we work hard on our marriage, it will be his last. I am looking forward to our first counseling session this Wednesday. Thank you GTPO, for your advice too. I do hope our MC is pro-marriage since I desperately want to salvage mine. As for your suggestions for no secrecy and/or alcohol, my husband already agreed to to all that and more before we walked down the aisle. He really wanted me to know that he is willing to work at this.

All in all, my husband is getting better at talking about "the incident." At first he would get mad when I would bring it up, since he would say that it's in the past and talking about it kept me from moving on. Now, I guess he realized, women work differently. I need to discuss my feelings in order to move on. He has taken this into consideration, and we can have open and honest communication about what happened. We still need the counseling, but at least it's a start.

Hi, bpv:

Sorry, but his "first offense" showed utter contempt for your emotional and physical wellbeing. His first offense is going to cause you the humiliation of having to go to the doctor's office as a newly married woman and get tested for diseases. His first offense made a joke of your wedding vows before you even walked down the aisle. Have you asked yourself why you're "desperate" to salvage this? I think that's the question you need to work on in counseling.

I know you think I'm horrible, but I honestly am trying to save you prolonged heartache. Your h has "communicated" everything you need to know about his character and his feelings for you. Yes it svcks, but you need to be honest about that, sooner rather than later.

Good luck -

Hello Everyone,

Yesterday was our first counseling session. I must say I like our therapist. Her demeanor was very easy going and non judgmental. My husband kept his promise and opened up to her and her suggestions. She told me the reason I am so hung up on this (well besides the obvious) is that I am still looking for a "why?" A reason for why my husband hurt me so bad at the worst possible time. I must say I agree. I am still looking for closure and without a reason for why this had to happen (besides "I was drunk" and "It's a bachelor party"), I can't move on.

The therapist wants to meet with us individually for a few sessions. She wants to focus with my husband on digging deeper to find out why he did what he did. Was it peer pressure or cold feet? Who knows, that's what she wants to talk to him about. Once he figures out the "why," then he can work on how to never let it happen again.

With me, the therapist wants to work on why I keep internalizing what happened. I know I keep blaming myself and I shouldn't. What happened was out of my control. But I can't help playing the "what if" game. What if I had laid out ground rules before the party? What if I had had sex with him before sending him off to the party? What if I had asked him not to drink too much at the party? The list goes on and on. This is what the MC wants to focus on with me.

After therapy we had a semi nice night. Since our therapist is in NYC, we went out for dinner and drinks afterwards. We talked about our hopes in terms of what therapy can provide us, and how we can improve our relationship. I don't know whether it was the therapy session or the drinks, but I ended breaking up into tears. My husband is trying and I can see that. He was very comforting as he was trying to ease my pain.

Well folks, I'll keep you posted as we continue with our therapy sessions. As always, thank you for listening, and any and all advice is always welcomed.

Note here...I read your thread a few days back...waited to post to you.

I found out my now xh cheated on me during his bachelor party as well...2 strippers nontheless...oh well.

Had I known at the time, no wedding. I'd have called it off. But I do have the greatest child in the world.

And I lived with a cakeeater and a liar and profuse cheater.

While I appreciate your willingness to go to counseling and therapy with your WS, I think he is passively abusive. Gaslighting? My xh had done this to me for years before I found out it was ACTUAL ABUSE.

You are young. This is not the end of the world. You will survive. But rethink your options now as if he is already showing his disregard/disrespect for his brand spanking new W and his marriage, what is to come in the future? Think about this coming from a woman who found out SEVEN YEARS LATER that her then present cheating H cheated on her the night before their huge big fat protestant wedding! It showd me that had I known, I'd have saved myself pain in the years to come!

Hi Justpeachy,

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I can't imagine how I would feel finding out so many years later, and on top of it that he is still cheating. However, keeping in mind the possibility that my husband may end up the same way, I still feel like I should give him a chance to prove himself.

Before "that night" we never had any problems with infidelity or otherwise. He also didn't have to tell me what happened when I asked. The men at the party are so tight lipped about it that I would never have found out otherwise. So I have to give him credit for honesty. I also see that he is really trying to save our marriage. He calls to let me know where he is, he doesn't drink alcohol if I am not present, and he is really embracing counseling. But most of all, I love my husband more than anything else in the world. I can't picture my life without him. I want us to work so that we may grow old together.

You are right, I am still fairly young at 26 and therefore my feelings on this matter may seem a little naive to you and everyone else. But I can't change the way I feel. I'm sure something positive will come out of working at our marriage, even if all I get is a child as wonderful as yours. Thank you for your comments. Please continue to let me know how you are doing.

Bchlor--

I won't bore you with my 11yr of M and 16 yrs together...but I will just say that I am with you in hanging in there with your H. You know him best.

All M's are going to hit painful bumps in the road and what our response to those bumps are what can make or break the situation sometimes.

If your H truly is the man you believe him to be...then this could be one of those things that really catapults both his and your maturity as people and as married partners.

My H and I have been together since age 17 and married at 22 and 23. We are now 33/34 and totally different people than we were in those younger years. We have grown so much as people and as partners. We both did such stupid things for years, but the Lord has been so faithful and gracious to us and has grown and matured us and used all the mistakes and "character deficiencies" to our good and we are in the happiest and most content place we have ever been in our relationship after 11 yrs of M and 4 kids.

So I wanted to be a voice of support for you. I like the decision you are making to stick with it. My "advice" would be to not sweep this major issue under the rug, but continue in MC and read and put into practice all that this site has to offer for building strong marriages. Use this terrible incident to catapult your growth and maturity as human beings and married partners.

Blessings to you,
Glad

Hi BPV, I am in a group with men who deal with sexual addiction so I am familiar with all the different ways men mess up their lives. The one thing which you acknowledge and I do give your husband credit for is the way he seems to handling his accountability for his actions. To step up and be honest about what he did, to go to counseling, to work on the marriage, to not drink outside your presence, to call to let you know where he is, all of those show positive signs that he is trying to be accountable.

It's understandable why you are struggling with your feelings. Everything seemed to have happend all at once to you. It wasn't just your husband but also the death of your father. When multiple stressful events happen in your life at one time people can become overly stressed and depressed. Sometimes when this happens it can cause people to hyperfocus on an event, such as you are doing with your husband, which is natural. It's overwhelming anyway, but add the stress of your father's death and all the stressors come at you at once. BOTTOM LINE: The person you needed to count on just let you down and you can't get that out of your head. And who can you turn to now?

But go back to the fact he is willing to work on the marriage and hold him to that. And are you strong enough to it through?

And the sex, you can have it for him, as long as you don't feel like you are violating yourself. Not having an orgasm is ok for right now, that just means you have a lot on your mind. But don't let this become something that becomes so horrible that down the road you hate the thought of having sex with him, because the marriage will become worst or you will need more counseling to overcome those additional problems.

Thanks GladToPressOn for your support. Your advice is always positive and I appreciate that. Right now is when I want to focus on the positive for the sake of my marriage.

This afternoon is my first individual counseling session. As I mentioned, our therapist saw us together last week, but advised that we see her individually for a few sessions so that my husband can figure out the "why" (why did he do what he did?). I hope it goes well. I'll keep you all posted.

Hi AskMe,

Yes that's exactly how I feel...my husband was supposed to be there for me to ease my grief, not cause me additional pain. And I never thought about how I may be focusing on what happened to an extreme because of the stress that everything happened all at once. That may be true. I'll ask my therapist about that. As for whether or not I am strong enough to stick to it, well today is our one-month anniversary. Although I can't say I am extremely satisfied with the way things are, I am better today than I was one month and 4 days ago (when I first found out).

As for your advice on sex. I still enjoy feeling close to my husband, even if I don't climax. I don't hold him accountable for that. I'm just the type of person that needs to feel connected to someone to be able to achieve an orgasm. Due to what happened, I think I lost that connection that I had with him, but we're working on it. We talked about it. Although he was upset at first that I had been faking it, he knows how I am and understood. He's trying so hard to fix this, but I know my body. Until these issues we have are resolved, I won't be able to climax. But I definitely will not hate him down the road. Thanks.

I have a question... did he have other relationships before you and did he cheat on any of those women? Did he have girl "friends when you were dating?"

This may show if there is a pattern. I am all for forgiving, heck I'm 6 years into recovery, but you are a newlywed, still young with no children. Is he worth it? You need to ask yourself this question. If it is, then press ahead. It is never the same relationship after and affair. It can still be great, but it is different. Recovery is difficult, but can be done. Is he still the guy for you? Has drinking been an issue for him? Does alcoholism run in his family?

Only you know the answer. It is different for all of us. I stayed and am happy I did. You need to answer this, your marriage could be annulled if you are unable to forgive. No one could fault you. If you still love him and there is also friendship between you, then there is hope for a long and happy marriage. I wish there were an easy answer. Hugs..

Bring him with you to get checked for stds...he needs to see the consequences of his actions.

Hi New Jersey,

To answer your question, he did have other relationships before me, and he cheated on some but was faithful to others. I don't know how much that tells you. As for "girl friends," he used to have a female co-worker who would call him at home, on his cell, and I told him how I didn't like that. I told him I thought she had feelings for him and it made me uncomfortable. Immediately that was the end of that. In all respects, he has always done (before this) everything that would be beneficial to our relationship. No complaints otherwise.

As for whether or not to press on. You are right. I am young with no children. However, this was not an affair. It was a one-time thing with no feelings involved (according to him). Things will not be the same, but we may learn and grow from this experience, at least I hope so. I am working on forgiving him, even though it is a process. He is the guy for me. And though alcoholism is not in his family, or even an issue for him (again, one time thing for being so drunk that judgments were impaired), he has stopped drinking at functions if I am not present. I think that is a step in the right direction.

I hope for a long and happy marriage. I love him, and our relationship was based on friendship (we were friends before we started dating). That is why we went to counseling. I hope therapy will be the answer I am looking for. Today was my first individual session. To put it briefly, the therapist said I need to stop being so hard on myself and blaming myself for HIS actions. I kept thinking it was my fault that he cheated. That it was me that bored him or no longer satisfied him. I need to stop such thinking and realized the blame lies with him and only him. I had nothing to do with his foolish actions. Easier said than done.

Well all, that's it for today's drama. I will let you all know if anything else happens in the interim. Tomorrow is my husband's individual session. Let's see if he feels like talking about it...