Well today is not a good day. Last night my husband and I got into a huge fight because he claims what he did was "not cheating.' He refused to admit that a bachelor party mistake was infidelity and I lost it. How could he say it was not cheating? How could he keep repeating, "it was a bachelor party?" He might as well have said, "since it was a bachelor party, what I did is considered acceptable behavior." I am so mad!

On top of that, he got home today and said very little about his therapy session. All he said was that the therapist said he needed more work. Am I being unreasonable? Do I demand too much?

Has he tried to put himself in your shoes? He needs to imagine that he had fun at his bachelor party but remained faithful and true to you, but you, at your bachelorette party got crazy and boinked a male stripper and then he found out four days before your wedding, decided to marry anyways and work through things and then you just told him that you didn't cheat because it was your bachelorette party and that is just something that "happens" at bachelorette parties. Maybe then he will see the ridiculous "logic" he gave you!!

On the C subject...not maybe what you want to hear from me, but...right now you should not be pressing him about his C appts. It is okay to ask how it went, but if he just gives a one word answer then accept it and affirm him, like "It shows me a lot about what kind of man you are that you are willing to go to C and work to strengthen yourself and our new marriage". And leave it at that. If you are questioning him about what went on in his C session, it may make him not want to go. What about MC? That way you are there together and can talk about the session together, having both been there. Perhaps you could do one week him IC, next week MC, etc.

Hang in there bchlr...I still believe that you can use this terrible situation to your advantage to really begin your marriage with wonderful tools for a healthy, fulfilling marriage and growing and maturing as people.

Blessings,
Glad

I know it seeks countrary to some, but I think if a spouse is going to individual counseling then they should have some privacy about the counseling sessions they attend. If not, it makes it difficult for the spouse to open up to the counselor if they know they have to disclose everything to the spouse when they return home. The idea is to open up to the counselor in order for them to help the individual be able to work through issues and them bring the couple together in marriage counseling to resolve the issues. At that point whatever issues were being worked on would be made known.

I know it's natural to want to ask questions about the counseling, just I would just say, "how did counseling go?" and take what ever information you get after that, whether it's OK, or more.

Hope you are doing OK, just wanted to check in with you. Take your time, you do not have to choose anything yet. Give yourself time to process this. Your H is trying to make light of what he did because in his mind it was nothing. I agree that you should ask him how he would feel if you slept with someone else. He'll get worried and think you did anyway, many go thru that stage. Hang in ther, with love you can fix anything. Hugs.

I have tried asking him to put himself in my shoes. His response: "I was expecting stuff to happen at your bachelorette party, that's why I didn't ask any questions. I didn't want to know how you spent your last night as a single woman. You could have done whatever made you happy." Basically he was saying that if I had cheated at my party he would have accepted it cause it's natural to want to go wild on your last night as a single person. Honestly, I don't accept that. Both going "wild," because after you are monogamous you are no longer single, and the statement that if the situation were reversed, he would have been fine. His ego would not allow him to marry me had I been unfaithful to him.

On the subject of counseling, I have stopped asking. If he wants to share... great. If not, then as long as it is helping, I don't need to know. The therapist has asked to see him again on an individual basis. She has not asked me again since she says my feelings are completely normal. I won't see her again until we do the couple sessions again. Apparently, he still can't give me a "why" he did what he did so that is why they're meeting again...to try and figure this out.

Bchlr, he needs to get real!! That was a bunch of crap vomited out of his mouth to asuage his guilty conscious. He has a long way to go if he is still trying to justify his actions in any form.

And I am sorry, the night before you get married, you are not a "single" man or woman! Geesh!!

Until he can eat some humble pie and look you in the eye with sincerity and say "Bchlr, I have no excuse for what I did, I was an idiot and I completely regret my actions and for hurting you and our marriage before it even started. I am so sorry and am willing to do whatever it takes to become a better man and convince you that I am worthy of your love and this marriage."

Sorry to sound so harsh, but the marriage is at risk if he truly believes the crap he said to you about expecting you to do "whatever made you happy" at your party and that is what he did at his. That is an easy transition to a point in marriage when you are not so happy (it will happen!) and he finds someone on the side to feel happy with for the time being. It really is not so much of a stretch, Bchlr.

I am encouraged that he is attempting to show transparency by the things you set in place after d-day. And that he is going to counseling. But he has not made any real progress if he is still saying stuff to you like you wrote about how he'd feel if you had cheated at your party.

Hang in there, I would still encourage MC...did you do pre-M counseling at your church? You will do your young M a great service if you use this sad experience to gather tools to really grow your M from an early point.

Blessings,
Glad