Should I put the whole check in our account or should I deposit the same amount that he is and keep the difference?

I want to be fair. He says I am being unfair.

Thoughts?

L2S, I would ask your lawyer about this one. I don't know what the answer would be on that. I have trouble with the idea of you putting the whole check in the account.

And to as whether or not "he" is viewing you as being fair, I don't believe his opinions are credible enough to base any decisions on.

I guess the legality of it versus the "rightness" of it are two different things. I've helped him maintain the lifestyle that allowed him to cheat on me.

It's amazing that he is still saying that what I think I know is wrong - all a game - and that he would still do anything in the world to make it work.

He told me tonight that he is lonely. I have my D and he has no one. That's true. I wish I had the belief that he could change but I don't. I find the whole situation incredibly sad.

There's part of me that is somewhat excited about moving on. There's a part of me that is scared to death. I go through all the "what ifs" in my mind: I lose my job, I don't meet someone and die a lonely old woman, etc. Stupid huh? But, I think about those things.

I wish I could turn the clock back but I can't.

Tomorrow he closes on the house refi and should have the $ in about a week to "pay me off". God hasn't stopped any of this. I have put off calling the attorney. I sent a revision to him three weeks ago this coming Thursday; his secretary acknowledged receipt. Don't know what's going on there.

I wish I could wake up and it would all be over, I would be in another home w/my D and be happy again. But, God never said he would keep the storms away. He did promise to go through them with me.

L2S, whenever he pulls out the "I have no one, you have daughter" card, just remind yourself of where HE was, when you were so alone! Was he feeling at all bad about that? No. I think you should go NC with him. His words are only pulling you down, and you don't deserve that.

I know this is a tough thing, here, L2S, but I'm proud of you for following thru. It is normal to go thru all of the "what if's", but once you get to a better place in life, you will be asking yourself all of the "how did I's"! You won't even be able to imagine how you put up with so much, for so long.

It's also normal to have our weak moments, in only wishing they would change. But that's all it is, is just a wish. We learn how to wish for better and healthier things.

You'll be ok, L2S! I don't believe for ONE minute, that you will die a lonely woman, or lose your job! You're heading for a brighter place! Hang in there, Honey! You're doing GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Thanks Jen. Help me stay on track.

I really need to go over to the other site but I don't have a clue where to start; how to jump in.

I keep trying to figure out if he's still talking to OW and then I have to remind myself: What difference does it make? I've made my decision based on the choices he made.

I have got to move past this junk. I'm just really having a struggle w/it. I keep thinking of him having to take care of everything w/the company but he won't be. There will be other women to do that stuff for him. He's a charmer and I have no doubt he will be just fine.

I just need the peace that keeps coming and going over all this.

You're doing good, L2S!! It's ok to feel what you are feeling, as long as you don't act on it.

As far as trying to find out if he is still in contact with OW, stop. You are only torturing yourself by doing this.

One of the things I found peace in with the recent breakup with my XBF, that even if he DID meet someone else, it would no longer be considered cheating. I had removed myself from that possibility. He can now do whatever he wants, and he doesn't "have" to go behind my back. So whatever he does now, will not effect me on a personal level. That element has been removed.

Just keep moving forward, a little at a time. And allow yourself to feel everything along the way, so that it will have the chance to exit from your soul. Just do not act on your emotions. You know where that can lead to. And it's a place we don't want to be!

Hang in there, you're doing GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

My WH continues to try and wear me down about trying to make the M work.

After weeks of denial he has finally admitted to the A but will only admit to what I can pull out of him.

He still maintains that he knew about the tape and that it was staged for my benefit (almost 2 months worth of conversations between H, OW, OWs daughter, H's daughter, etc.).

He says he'll do anything to make it up to me and anything to make the marriage work. The first A was in our first year of M. Married x 9 yrs. This latest episode was while we are separated. A of about 8 months; ongoing? - don't know.
Lots of verbal abuse, lots of threats, lots of threats to share my past w/all. At least 4 separate threats to commit suicide if we aren't able to work it out.

I don't have the tapes or an insider to tell me what's going on and he's a master manipulator. I feel my will crumbling. I believe he is a serial cheater and will strike again.

I don't want this. Someone please remind me why I need to proceed w/D. My attorney was supposed to call me Mon and today but did not.

Update....
WH asked me if I had contacted attorney. I had been saying "no" b/c I just don't want to face what is going to happen. Anyway, asked again yesterday and I said "yes". Said attorney has final document ready.

Then, WH asked if I had been checking his cell phone records. Again, I said I had. I called the company and had them change password so I could access. The phone is in my WH's name but he gave me access to account. Plus, our company pays the bill; I'm 51% owner.

So, that made him mad. Then, he went on to say "You're going to jail". Separated x 2 years; believed he was having A which prohibited us from making last ditch effort to reconcile. We were in counseling while he was having A. So, I was told a couple of things by family friend and put recorder at our house.

I found out all sorts of stuff. Long story short, he found it. I went by and took it out of the house.

Now, he says the OW, his 2nd EXW and my stepdaughter are all going to press charges against me for the recorder. Is he bluffing; probably. But, it's par for the course. He wants to wound and always hits the target.

So, I picked up papers, left a copy for him. All my stuff is still in our house; he's keeping house. So, I need to find another house, I need to get my stuff out of the house, I need to start new accounts, new life.

This is so incredibly hard. I've fought against all this for so long. I've been so wrapped up in him that I really have no life. I'm really depressed about it all right now.

He tells me not to call him anymore but pages me at 7:30am this morning and has left 4 voicemail messages about how this is what I want, I'm wanting someone else, I don't want him, this should make me happy, etc.

He has left me voicemail messages all day long. Telling me he loves me and misses me.

Told me if he thought there was a chance he would not have continued to talk w/OW, etc. He said exactly what I thought he'd say: you said you wanted a D so I thought who I talked to wouldn't matter. He can't even wait until the marriage is over.

The whole thing is really killing me. I know that a big part of MB is exposure but, to me, the thought of people knowing what he has done is horrifying. Some people do know and that creates a huge problem. My family knows and has absolutely disowned him. The proverbial "wouldn't walk across the street to spit on him if he was on fire" applies.

I am really close to my family and a reconciliation would strain relations w/them b/c of the way they know he has treated me and the things he has done such as the affair.

So, D seems to be the only answer in so many ways but it is killing me. I keep thinking all the what ifs but I know it won't work. Too much has happened and too many people have been involved to be able to recover it.

I'm so sad.

I sure wouldn't make my choices on the thoughts of my family. Everyone's family HATES the WS. But they get over it.

It is a mistake to divorce if you have second thoughts.

i agree...if you have doubts...maybe you are not ready to take this step

Doesn't his actions and words sound confusing? How can he want to the M t/b over yet call you with all those words? Hm..... something smells and you ought to tell him that. He needs to comptemplate his life a bit more before he involves or destroys anyone elses.

L.

I am in your boat too. I have alot of what ifs.

I filed for D recently. Still have days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing. WH didn't say anything after I filed, like why did I do it, maybe we can try to work on things, etc. I think he's looking forward to getting out of M.

Family and friends have told me that I would be a fool to take him back. That WH would not be welcome in their homes if I did.

He has not even admitted to the A, even though it is ongoing. He is living with OW. She is M. Claims they are just friends.

I've exposed all I can, doesn't seem to have an impact.

I feel some days that this is the best thing, the D. I'm not sure if I ever could forgive him. If he showed remorse etc., then I would wait, but as I said, he won't even admit to the A.

I doubt he will ever, as his pride won't let him. He never was one to apologize. He always thought he was perfect, so how can he say he's sorry now? I've given him many chances to admit it, but he hasn't.

I think he and OW are happy, and is looking forward to the D.

But I still have questions. Is it the right thing for the kids, etc.?

I tried to give it alot of thought before I filed. I know this is serious, but I still wonder...

The happiness of the A is dillusional at best. When they no longer have you to blame, the A will lose it's staying power. That is why it is important u remove yourself from their triangle ASAP.

As for your children, it w/b hard on them and you. Bond together and fight this together as a family.

L.

Orchid,

I've read many posts by you and truly value your advice.

Please tell me how do I remove myself from the triangle?

He knows I already filed D, so in his mind I'm sure he feels there's no hope for us, so he will continue with her. I told him had there been no A, I wouldn't have filed. He said "Whatever".


Knowing him, I doubt he will ever apologize or come back to us. His pride won't let him. He's had many opportunties to do it, but hasn't. As I said, I think he's glad I filed, so he can blame it on me for ruining our family. I think he's had enough and just wants out. No more wife, kids and the household responsibilities that come with it.


He comes over to see the kids occasionally. I have to talk to him regarding the next visitation etc. I've sort of been doing a soft plan B, but with the kids it's hard. I don't have a 3rd person I can really go through regarding that issue.

I want this A to bust ASAP, but as I said, he hasn't even admitted to the A, and they are still living together with no plans on her to leave.

It is hard on the kids. I am doing the best I can with them.

What now? Thanks.

1. There is no such thing as a 'soft plan B'.

2. You need to make your children part of your support team and they be a part of yours.

3. Present everything as a family package. Not you vs the chlidren. The WS will try to divide and conquer. Don't allow it. Your children c/b your best ally.

4. As for his pride, that gets worse when he is a WS. Expect it and work around that stupid pride. Remember a very good book says pride goes before the fall. So the A is destined to fail.

5. Secure your finances. Most Ows want to replace U which means they also want the $$ due your family and you. Don't let that happen.

5. If he wants to think he is fooling you.....don't argue with a fool. Instead learn to reverse babble and undermine his chaos but causing chaos for the A. The one thing most WS' don't like is when they don't know what the BS is up to. So put doubts in his mind. When he asks what your plans are....be vague. If he accuses you of having a BF, be vague which retorts like..... 'hm....what an idea?!?!?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

6. Secure your immediate support group and make plans for him to have visitation via a 3rd party.

7. When your mind and heart are in sync and if he is still a WS, consider a strong plan B. Anything less is useless.

JMHO,
L.

O.K. I think plan B is in order then. If not for nothing else, just so I don't have to deal with WH. It's getting too draining. But isn't plan B useless when I've already filed for D? I mean, isnt plan B to recover? He will see this as useless as I've already filed. What do I put on the PBL? I know him. He'd laugh at it now. Saying, Oh well you asked for D, too late.

I have a teen who wants to know everything about where I go, what I do. I have a feeling she is reporting back to WH, so he still knows whats going on with me. I try and keep things to myself, but it's hard sometimes.

Just a little confused about what you said as present everything as a family package. Don't know what you mean by that.

Finances are already being secured via the D. Still have a few months till it's final, but for now we are somewhat O.K. WH is complaining that he can't support 2 households. Guess he should have thought about that before he did her!

Believer,
"I sure wouldn't make my choices on the thoughts of my family. Everyone's family HATES the WS. But they get over it. It is a mistake to divorce if you have second thoughts."

I do agree w/you on the above comment. I'll probably have issues w/whomever my D chooses to marry.

It's a bit complicated b/c my WH chose to conduct his A in front of my nephew by marriage (his cousin) who was working for him at the time. WH was very open and blatant about the A. He also had a woman that would call him on cell; WH would put her on speaker phone and she would talk about how she wanted to have sex w/him and how she was talking w/him and playing w/herself, etc.

So, add to that the abuse (major verbal/emotional and minor physical), the comments WH has made to others about only keeping me around for $ and insurance, the fact that he has no R w/my D (he adopted her) and she wants nothing to do w/him, the string of As I know he has had, the contact he has continued with the OW and 2nd EXW and I see no way to repair it all.

I am very sad about the end being here but I cannot truly imagine being able to put everything behind me, repair the bridges that have been burned in many Rs that affect us AND be able to trust him again. He met 3 of the A OW through our company. So, I know that I would have a really hard time knowing that he is meeting new women on a weekly basis and then being in their homes to do the work, days at a time.


eav1967
"i agree...if you have doubts...maybe you are not ready to take this step"

It's hard. I keep having this recurring thought that if I stay I'm wasting my time and the promises won't be kept and I will end up wasting even more of my limited numbers of days on eartn. On the other hand, I fear that I'm making a mistake and I will end up old and alone. Of course, I have to wonder if old and alone wouldn't be preferable to what I've dealt with these past 9 years.
So, my doubt is centered around the fear that no one else will want me and I'll be alone. How sad!!

Orchid,
"Doesn't his actions and words sound confusing? How can he want to the M t/b over yet call you with all those words? Hm..... something smells and you ought to tell him that. He needs to comptemplate his life a bit more before he involves or destroys anyone elses."

I must admit I do the same thing. I have contacted an attorney and Friday I picked up a copy of the final settlement agreement for us to review and make last minute changes to before we sign and start the D process. But, I still tell him I love him b/c I do or at least I love what he used to be.
And, he still maintains that he doesn't want a D. He says that he will do whatever it takes to regain my trust, i.e. put a GPS device on his vehicle so I'll know where he is/where he's been all the time, etc. But, I went online and got his last cell phone bill only to discover that he has continued to talk to OW and her family, his 2nd EXW and the woman that he puts on speaker phone. Plus, when he asked and I told him that I did have the cell phone bill he got incredibly angry. Why did he get angry if he would willingly share all w/me to regain my trust?

The biggest reason I never went back home (did a couple of times for a couple of weeks at a time but couldn't handle it) was because he SAID he would change but I never SAW any change. So, what's there to make me think that he would change if I went back home.

This is why I'm so confused. So, I continue to go to church where the guy he wrongly thinks I had an A w/goes. The man has a g/f and I never talk to him unless we happen to pass each other walking in/out of church. But, b/c I am going he called me this morning to say good morning and then said "are you going to church". When I said yes, he said "good. Me and OW are going to X's today (her parents home)". Said he didn't go last week even though invited b/c of my feelings but since I'm going to church today he's not worried about my feelings.
Then he said he was just calling to say hello. I said "no, you weren't". You were calling to tell me that if I went to church you were going to be with OW. I said that it wasn't like I was going to sit w/OM or have lunch with him but he was going to be with OW all day.

Anyway, just my reasons why I'm struggling w/this. I don't want to make a mistake either way so I have stayed in this limbo for 2 1/2 years. I can't stay here any longer. I need to do something.

Why do I allow him to jerk me around like I do?
He called this morning and started the usual as in my last post.

He just paged me (enjoy him i love you too) alluding to the guy at church. Well, I've spent so much time here that I won't make it to church this morning but also b/c I don't want the fight w/him. So, I'm more worried about him than I am about God.

So, I called him and told him that I would not be going to church. He said "why" and I said "you know why". Then, he says he won't be able to go where he said he was going either.

So, it was all just a big game to him to keep me out of church.

I have got to get off this merry go round. I can't stand any more. He still dictates my life, rules my life from 30 minutes away. He goes and does as he pleases but give me no peace. I'm not having an A, I'm not seeing or talking to anyone and have not been but, he has but has the audacity to say and do to me what he does.

I want to run away.

I'll run with you!

WH does what he pleases too, tells me when he will have "time" to see the kids etc. Guess he has to work around his schedule with OW!

I am very envious of him right now. No worries, does whatever, while I am here with the kids, house, bills responsibilites etc. all the time.

It's all about him, him, him. Could care less about anyone else!