LoveMeNot - I have some information that might help you talk about this situation with people further along on the same journey you are on. You can email me at niosgirlatyahoodotcom if you want it.

It hard, and I understand your fears....you are not alone by any means tho. There are people out there on both sides of this that have made it through this mess.

- Kimmy

YOU have not been betrayed. You are a standard issue, run of the mill other woman. You seem to think that what he told YOU is the truth, but what he tells his wife is a lie. The truth is, he had an affair with a woman who had no problem with having sex with a married man. A woman who gets herself pregnant, apparently with the love and support from her family and friends, hoping this man leaves his wife and children. Nice mess YOU and HE created.

Then you are here, wondering if his wife, will be unfair to the oc? How selfish. The first thing you need to understand is what is best for your child may not be what is best for him, her or their family. THEY ARE INNOCENT ALSO. Your childs needs/wishes to not supercede his wife's or their children. Your wishes and needs don't even count or matter.

All the cruelty and lies....you participated in. You can hardly cry foul now. You CHOSE this for yourself.

This man choose to leave you 6 weeks before your due date cause he was probably getting scared of losing his wife. You being upset/hurt wasn't an issue for him. That is your problem, not his. He was probably home loving up his wife and trying to figure out what he is going to tell her when the mistake is out of the bag. And you say that is an obligation?? He was concerned for HER not you.

I feel sorry for you. If you proudly told your family and friends that you were knocked up by another womans husband, and they were all happy and proud, hoping and wishing for him to leave his family, you are in for a tough life. The lack of morals and common decency are all astounding.

Is he now going to be an [censored] for not destroying his family for you? Just remember, what you and your family and friends think, is just what theirs will think of you. There are two sides here.

Your passive aggressive swipe at wives on here for choosing to trust their husbands after this is interesting. First, they have open relationships with their husbands. They have a history full of highs and lows. They have memories and have created a total life. They are accpeted by families, raising children, paying mortgages, etc. together. Their relationship isn't based on easy sex in the back seat of a car. A complete life. You were just an affair. BIG DIFFERENCE. Also, for you to believe everything he said to you is naive. Would you have ripped off your panties had he told you that he loves his wife and children but as long as you were willing he would have sex with you?


You say he is staying out of obligation? As if she has no choice in her own marriage. A foolish thought many ow have. Trust me, when she learned of you and your oc, he was mortified, her pain was his first and foremost concern. If this was all just obligation, why bother? Do you really think people who marry are that cold to each other?

No woman would stay with a man if he was only their out of an obligation. Give that wife some credit here for crying out loud. HE is staying with her, holding her at night and telling her how sorry he is for all the hurt he has caused her. Bottom line is the cat is out of the bag, I'm sure she has told him to leave, etc. But he is fighting to stay with her. The feelings that matter to him are hers.

Ever wonder why so many wifes are caught off guard when an affair happens???? It's cause their husbands are kind to them, making love to them, telling them they love them. Then when they get caught in an affair, it shocks the wife cause she thought it was all fine.

You passive aggressive swipes are so standard, that they are amusing. Your punctuations of Obligations, and owing, etc. are not unnoticed. You have deluded yourself into thinking she is the interloper in your love, and that he is making some huge sacrifice by staying with her. Then your swipe at learning to trust thier husbands again????? the mistake of the ow and the oc can be forgiven.

And you coming on here, assuming that SHE would be cruel or mean? The gall. All the wives on here ARE "SHE". Some have contact, and those who do take damm good care of those children, some better then the ow. How dare you worry about HER.

Based on your message of telling your family and friends, proudly of your child, and all the excitement of waiting for him to leave his family for you....makes me think the bigger problem for this child is your bitterness, and your own family and friends, and their utter lack of morals and decency.


Just as you want to protect your oc, they will want to protect their family. YOU hardly have a record of thinking things through and considering other peoples feelings.

I think your message is full of passive aggressive swipes and serves no purpose to anyone trying to build their marriage. There are other sites across the internet that will support you. Coming here as if you are wonder mother and taking swipes at wives is hardly productive.

LynnG,

That was well said and well done. I know there was not a moment that my husband was distance or not loving to me or our children. We even have a child that will be less than a year apart from the illegitimate one when it is born. And when he see the pain I'm in it makes him cry for what he has done.

If only these other women could take the responsibility for their evil part.

But the truth is they are only sad and regretful because their their evil little plot didn't work out for them now enjoy single parenthood and the disgrace you brought on yourself.


And I am the first to let people know what kind of person you are and my husband was. I believe in the truth setting people free and lies keeping them in bondage.

And you know what the it is even more obvious not just to my husband and children but everyone around that I am true to my vows until death due us part.

Some people love not just by words but by actions.

And I love my children, my family, and my husband.

Hello LMN,

As you can see this is a very sensitive topic. My H had an affair with a co-worker and she became pregnant. We recently discovered through DNA that the child is not his child.



My H and I had intentions of not having C with the OC had the child been his. Our reasons for NC would have been our inability to have a meaningful marriage and have the evidence of the affair staring at us daily. We were not delusional...we were more than aware that a child existed, we had decided to write a check and leave the rest behind. It was best for our marriage. Your MM seems to be able to have C with your child. I'm sure that his W will play a large role in that C. Most of the women here who have C are wonderful parents to the OC. You have nuts everywhere, even some who give birth, but most women don't take the bitterness out on the child, she may on you, but rarely on the baby.

I hope that you didn't take what some of the ladies had to say as being cruel or mean...I think its good to hear that, to know that there are real people at the other end of the spectrum. People who are hurt, and that you played a part in that pain. Now if you take that and move forward with your life...you will be be fine and do well. I guess now is a rough time to start wondering whether the MM will be a good father and whether his W will be a good stepmother. It's too late, the child is here and they have every right to be in the child's life. My word of advice will be to pay special attention and if you feel that there is some form of child abuse, handle it accordingly. I doubt if you will.

I wish you and your child nothing but the best.

OW thought process ~~~> [color:"red"]

>feelings are more important than vows/committments

>if I ignore facts then I do not have to deal with them

>once he falls completely in love with me he will leave his family

>our relationship should mean more to MM than his family

>married does not mean married if someone is unhappy

>once he leaves his wife and children everyone will be happier

>if a relationship is 'meant to be' it will not be hard work

[/color]


[b]I have been around infidelity discussion boards for years ... this never changes .... and one of the common fallout events is ~~~> the OW has less chance of EVER having a strong marriage foundation because she, essentially, has a "renter" mentality when it comes to marriage

and THIS thinking error.... is universally applicable to all adulterors ~~~> [color:"red"] feelings are more important than vows or committments
[/color]

which is usually followed by THIS thinking error: [color:"red"] I DESERVE to be happy[/color] ... as opposed to "I deserve to live ethically bound."

Many times, the OW never changes her thinking errors ... and the cycle of hurt continues. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> BECAUSE she takes the same relationship mistakes into HER future married life... and that prohibits her from ever becoming a BUYER. One cannot be a true buyer unless they respect ALL marriage vows ... even the inconvenient ones!

Pep

Dear LoveMeNot

I strongly recommend for you to click on the bookstore section of THIS site and BUY the book

Buyers Renters & Freeloaders

my prayer for you is you learn how to make important decisions based on your moral compass instead of your ~feelings wheel~ ... where you spin the ~feelings wheel~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> and take your chances.

THIS book will give you a CHANCE at ever becoming a happily married woman in your future! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

"Why? I loved this man so much I would have done ANYTHING for him even if that meant letting him walk away. And yet he had so little regard for me he could not even save me the pain and humiliation of these lies. This seems so incredibly cruel. Why? Just for the sex? I don’t understand and possibly I never will, but this is a big source of my anger and resentment. "

This comment made by you could have been written by any of the BW here. The lies you were told were the same type as told to the W. I am always AMAZED that OW think the the MM would only lie to the W! Never her. An affair is ALL about lies.

But you still had an affair with a married man. Even if you thought he was unhappy and felt sad for him........he was not available. And he is not available to be a parent to your child without his wife. If they choose to have contact (that could change), she will be part of everything. She is the step-mom and you chose her by choosing her H to have sex with.

If she chooses to go along with contact, you can be assured she probably cares about your child more than you know. She would never go along with contact if she couldn't separate you and the creepy affair, from the innocent child. She has a choice, you know. But it's a crappy choice. No real option for her because you are still involved and the child is still there whether they choose contact or not. I was not interested in having our OC involved in my family in any way. OW still wanted to break up my family long after OC was born. So, I would not have separated the affair from OC. OC was leverage from the beginning to force my H to leave our family.

My H made his choice and we have no contact.

I am shocked that all your friends and family thought your pregnancy with a married man was okay and supported you in the destruction of his family. With friends like that..........!

Good luck. I hope you can all work this out and make the best of a horrible situation. Everyone's woman's nightmare, made true by you and her H.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

People having affairs are NEVER BUYERS , they are FREELOADERS while having adulterous affairs. ALWAYS!

... to the OW's of the world ... pick out a future husband who is a BUYER-IN-THE-MAKING ... NOT a FREELOADER who is capable of having his affections detoured out of a committed marriage !

Pep

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

typical OW-esque advice give to each other on TOW ~~~> [color:"red"] " Go with your heart"[/color]

as opposed to

[color:"red"]Do what is right ... even when difficult[/color]

Pep

Remember ... LoveMeNot

when you say anything like this:



you are EQUALLY describing your own character

mind your character and your integrity ... which right now are looking tattered and disposable ... I hope you read the recommended book

Buyers Renters and Freeloaders

sjohnson

WOW! Is all I can say! Excellent post!

Ann

You need to search your soul and find out why you allowed yourself to become involved with a married man. You sound sincere but you also sound like you are waivering back and forth between full acceptance of your actions and rationalization and justification of your actions.

Nothing justifies adultery. It doesn't matter what the man said to you or promised you. You, because of something within yourself, allowed yourself to cross a boundary that never should have been crossed. And because you made the choice to cross that boundary, you can't pick and chose the consequences. You can't say he is the daddy, but his w isn't the step-mom. Accept it, it was your choice, and now you need to grow up and put the child FIRST and put SELF aside. You do not have any more rights to decision in the child's life than the father. You are not more of a parent than the father. Even if the legal system is slanted in your direction, that does entitle you to disrespect the father and limit his r with his child for your interest (even if you say they are in the interest of the child, look deep inside, if you were over the MM you wouldn't be dwelling on what ifs about the w and trying to justify why she should be excluded or why you should limit c with the father).

As another poster stated, you made the same choices that he did without much thought. And if he is pursuing joint custody, I think the w is on board with it an will most likely be an excellent step-mom.

I think most women who probably can't seperate the child from the A, probably don't stay with their h anyway, or would only agree to limited or no c.

sjohnson & lynng

your posts are wonderful and to the point and I agree with them 1000%

The actions of an OW in an A are wrong and there is no justification for it. But, there is such a thing as a truly repentent OW, who sees the error of her ways. I admit they are in the minority but they do exist. LMN isn't there yet but I think she is a lot closer to it than most.

Ann

PB

Thanks for the book recommendation. I think I will read it and I hope LMN does too. It sounds interesting. I think I have always been a buyer. Even when I was a misguided, textbook codependent, stupid, selfish, lost 16 year old adultress, a wedding vow was a sacred commitment I only intended to make once in my life. Because of my own unresolved personal issues, I lied to myself and told myself it was OK to get involved with my h because his d was pending and he was physically seperated from his w. Was it really OK? No, it was wrong and it was adultery, plain and simple. But I was young (no excuse), selfish and didn't care, my decision were about ME and what I wanted so I came up with my own way to rationalize and justify that our r was OK. I lied to myself and bought the lie as every OW does, whether she will admit it to anyone else or not. Many will never even admit it to themselves.

Ann

I wanted to say that even though I am a bs, I feel for you.
There are different kinds of OW. There are ones that just wanted to be loved and honestly made a mistake and feel guilty. For these women I do feel compassion, because we all make mistakes and all of us want to be loved. Things can happen when we are at weak points in our lives.

BUT I do not feel compassion for the "women" who are not accountable for their part. Who consider themselves "victims." Who really have a lot of hatred in their heart for themselves as well as the innocent wife.
They really are to be pitied. They are really hurting but instead of acknowledging their pain, they lash out.

There is something missing in these women.
In my case, the OW is just like above.

I don't hate the OC. I feel sorry for him. We have no contact. The reason we have no contact. His mother. His mother calling our home, sending letters, driving by, stalking us.

It's obvious that she is hurt. But she took a chance "dating" a married man and she lost. My husband dumped her as soon as she informed him she was pregnant.
He never went back. I KNOW this from the OW.

She and my husband are both paying spiritual prices.
My h is depressed because of all of this. He has to pay out BIG money once a month. He is embarrassed and wants to forget. She got him where it would hurt the most in the pocket.

Life isn't much better for the OW who goes on to raise two children and neither child has a father in their life. She goes on to raise a child from a 6 month affair where the father has never saw the child. How horrible.


I thank God that I have been able to move on. At one point I hated her. Now I just feel sorry for her.

Neither of these people thought of anyone but themselves.

Now maybe if the OW had called and apologized to me, never harrassed me, things would be different. Maybe her child could be a part of our lives but because of the OW's actions, her child has never saw his dad.
I have even kept all the dirty nasty letters. If she tries to tell her child anything, I have the proof in HER own handwriting.

You are lucky, at least the father wants to be a part of your daughter's life.

We would never turn the OC away if later on in life, he wants to know his father. We just don't want to be bothered with the OW.

I think it takes an awesome woman to accept a child from an affair.

I'd also like to add that most OW think that wives that stay are stupid or weak.

You need to know that most of us stay just so YOU don't get our husbands. The affair made my husband appreciate me. Both my husband and the OW showed their true colors and realized that they didn't even really like each other.

I always secretly suspected this played a larger role than people are comfortable admitting. Thanks for your insight. I am sorry for the obvious pain this has bestowed on your life.

Lem

Well, I may not be as far a long in the this recovery so my words might sound harsh and bitter but here it goes anyway...How dare you, how dare you question my decencey as a wife, mother, and human being to treat your child with anything but love and kindness. I love my little lulu with everything just as she were my own. My children love her. She is a part of our family, yes a part of the family that makes my life harder, makes me have to think about the affair more often than I would like but that is not her fault that is my husbands and her mothers they make it hard, because THEY chose this, you chose to have a child by a married man knowing that he had other factors in his life that would make you being in it difficult at best, you should just be grateful that this man and his wife want your child in their lives, instead of questioning the acts and motives of the wife. Just as I tell my husband when lulu is out of our care, you gave up any right to question what she does as a mother when you decided to have contact with a child that belongs to someone other than me. I mean seriously it irks me to no end that you would question the motives of the wife, the wife who was probably hurt more and worse by this than she ever could have imagined. I took vows to love my husband for better or worse, when I said those vows I never imagined that this would be worse that he would have given himself to another woman and gotten her pregnant but thoughs are vows nonetheless and I do love my husband even when I hated him I loved him more than anything. You however and when I say you I mean all OW take our husbands when they are stressed or exhausted or just frustrated with life and make them "feel good" or boost their egos, while us the wives are at home cooking dinner, taking care of the house, and kids, and the endless supply of bills that we struggle to pay, the mounting laundry that needs to be taken care of, You see its not you that our husbands love or want its the freedom of responsibilty that they love, its the fact that he has no ties to you no obligation as you say to you, you don't matter to him, yea sure he "loves" the sex but thats lust, what he really loves and has just temporalily forgotten is sitting at home in tears waiting for him. So again how dare you question me.

There is only one kind of other woman. She is a woman who is playing the harlot, the adulteress. The only time I think she is innocent is when she truly does not know the man is married. After that any involvement with the man, emotional or physical before the divorce is final, is adultery. Her sin of adultery is no different than the adulteress who is in a ltr affair with a married man or has a ONS.

Now, some come to realize their sin, repent and accept responsibity and do not continue in their distorted mindset or adulteress behavior. They seek forgiveness from God and all parties they have injured. When this happens, they are no longer the other woman or the adulteress. And I think you are having compassion for the repentent person who was an adulteress, at one time, but is no longer.

Just as a person can sin with lust in their heart and no physical contact, others continue to be adulteresses in their minds by choice even after the affair has ended.

Proverbs 30:20
"This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've done nothing wrong.'

I say this as one who committed adultery in my youth. I KNEW IT WAS WRONG but I came up with my own justification for why it was OK in order to get what I wanted. Which is exactly what you hear the unrepentant OW saying now. She doesn't want to see the truth because she would really have to look at herself to see the truth and it is a harsh truth at that.

Ann