I would suggest calling her instead (perhaps you might be able to get to speak to her BEFORE she reads the e-mail), indicate what's in the e-mail, and say something along the lines of what you suggested. I'd also suggest that you strongly suggest to her that she does NOT break NC and reply to his e-mail, no matter how tempted she is to do so. This may be OM's way of trying to pull her back into C with him.

And BTW, I've got worse triggers to work with than the one you mentioned, and most of them don't bother me that much any more, one year after D-Day (and about 6 months after full disclosure).

Good point.

What do I do right now??? I don't know what to do. If I treat it as suspect with WW she may take me up on the opportunity and deny and lie. Then where does that leave us???

Should I call WW??

call her and say what - tell her not to read it?

That's good to know. I'm so disgusted.

That's really her choice to make, not yours.

True.

Talked to her this morning and she was mad at me because she thought the NC letter would just stir the pot. It did. And make it harder for her at work. And that I don't CARE if it's harder for her at work. That all I care about is him sucking her back into his world.

I reassured her that the NC letter WITH 1000% no contact really IS THE best way to go. And that we're in a storm now but it would pass.

Likely she will use this as proof that the NC letter was a bad idea.

If that does turn out to be the case, it might be interesting to find out exactly why she thinks it was a bad idea. If anything, that e-mail from the OM clearly shows the kind of despicable character that you both have to deal with.

Be still, MDC.

Breathe.

Tell us your truth and then you can guide yourself.

Own what is yours...you are prepared to believe him automatically...you believe he is authentic...why?

Is it your desire for this truth...you didn't get it in the first EA, and now you're thirsting for it...I hear you...I was there and I remember...I do...

You identify what you want most...then you find your respect...not get it at any cost...know when your own wishfulness--anything with "if" in it...if only she would just tell me the truth...what if she says this but not this--and monitor it. Reality is where you want to stay...thrive...respectful reality.

LA

MDC -


Time. Building new, pleasant memories with your wife.

The OM is going to do everything in his power to hurt you, simply because you have something that he wants or wanted. He's going to try and make himself feel better at your expense.

As LA said, you don't even know if it's true. And if it is? So what. I don't mean to sound cavalier. Take the long-term view.

You've been married 5 years, probably together longer. He was with her for 5 months. You'll probably spend a couple of years recovering and rebuilding your marriage, and your both young (around my age). That means you could conceivably have another 50 years together in a marriage beyond your wildest dreams.

What will OM have? A failed marriage (his). A simple 5 months of fantasy - and years of misery and pain from the rejection of your wife (and most likely his).

Guess what? That's his problem. He is suffering the consequences of his actions and choices.

Yes, the things he told you (if they're true) hurt. The fact that your wife was with him at all hurts. But time and effort can heal those wounds, and you will find a happy life. Chances are good that OM will never get a clue and have a miserable life.

Again, not trying to sound cavalier. I can identify with a lot of what you write and are going through. The above are some of the things that I tell myself.

In the end, all OM will have is memories. You have what sounds like a very good chance to have the real thing for the rest of your life.

Which would you prefer? Archived e-mails, pictures, and memories, or the real, living, breathing, warm body of your wife, knowing you have her love and affection?

Why not forward his email to his BW, MDC?

Not for a response...not to do anything...sharing truth...that's what you called it...not his truth.

LA

MDC -


Wow! What an @ss. Ok, as I said a few minutes ago, I can identify with a lot of what you write and say.

In our case, OM was a friend of mine. I've heard (both from him directly once, and several times from MP) that he's done and wants nothing to do with her, that she hurt him so bad while he was going through a very rough time in his life. That she wouldn't be even a friend for him during his tough time.

Cry me a river. Sheesh. I have no intention of talking to him ever again, but if I did I would point out that he could have easily kept both of us as his friends if he'd kept his [censored] in his pants.

However, despite all the hurt she caused him (which he brought on himself by his actions), there is still contact. Very intermittent, and as much as I can tell initiated by him.

The last round of contact was via e-mail, and MP told me the day it happened. She also forwarded his e-mail and her reply. Interesting thing here....he's blocked her e-mails (again). So yes, he's being manipulative and playing games (IMO).

If I were a betting man, I'd bet that OM would jump at the chance to get back with your wife, despite what he says. The OP cannot be trusted anymore than an active WS.

You've said your peace - leave it at that. Do not respond to him, or read anything else he sends. Don't give him that power over you.

The responsibility for NC lies squarely on the shoulders of the WS. It is up to the WS to not only not initiate contact, but to also not respond to any contacts by OP. Your wife needs to understand and get this, and it sounds like she's starting to.

If you need to step in to protect your wife, once she has demonstrated her comittment to NC and he keeps trying, then by all means do so. I have told MP that very thing - I have no problem stepping in and doing what I need to to get OM out of our lives if I know that MP wants NC with him. Until then, I look to her to enforce it.

Hang in there, MDC. While not 100% familiar with your story, it sounds like things are looking up. Don't dwell on the negatives or the valleys - you'll encounter more peaks and positives as time goes on.

Rubbish! I had the same concerns in our case (of course, OM refused the NC letter). A NC letter is not meant to make the OP go away (though it would be nice if it did, and maybe it does sometimes).

The NC letter is all about the WS demonstrating committment to the BS. It's a written statement by the WS stating that they value their spouse and family, and that the affair was a mistake.

By definition and demonstration, the OP is not an honorable person, so expecting them to quietly acquiesce to the NC letter is fruitless.

It's not an apology (to the OP). It's not an offer for closure.

So he told you he wanted 30 minutes for closure? Guess what, we don't always get closure in our lives. My mom committed suicide 4 years ago - what kind of closure did I get with that? None.

Is the fact that my mom suddenly disappeared her problem? Nope - it's mine. Is the fact that OP is suddenly and permanently out of your wife's life your or your wife's problem? Nope. It's his.

Expecting a mature, honorable action out of an OP is like expecting a young child to not take the candy sitting in plain sight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Bird. I don't care about the OM. I'm not occupied with thoughts of him. Don't have the anger and hate a lot of BS's have for OP. Your words help put all this in perspective. Right now I'm angry and hurt and so tired of ALL this. I want to burn the mattress!!!

MiM great point about the NC letter.

LA - who is BW? OMW?

I don't know what my truth is right now. I don't know what I want. just feel like I should call WW but don't know what to say.

MDC,

If your WW and OM work for the same employer (I have not read your entire thread, but gather that to be the case), she has communicated that any further relationship with him is unwelcome (i.e., the no contact letter), and he continues to pursue her/harass you via text messages, email, anything, he is sexually harassing her. SHE MUST report this to her employer immediately. The employerr will put a stop to it, I promise, because if they don't, your wife can file a sexual harassment lawsuit against him and the employer.

Regards,

BB

Be strong MDC. This definitely sucks but at least you two are heading in the right direction out of this mess.

It's okay to hold off taking action before you know your truth...isn't it? You want to be authentic...and right now, you're angry, hurt and tired.

Do not call WW right now...give yourself time to be hurt, angry and tired...you're worth it.

Notice how many are with you at this time, MDC...you're not alone...wrong...you're loved.

LA

LA -

I believe his account of events is authentic. With respect to the hospital - I knew OM was at our house. I have evidence. I don't know what happened. While I understand that he may be telling lies about what happened right now I trust his version of events more than WW. She has something to protect. He does not.

I don't hold his version of our M to be authentic though. When he says

"..I am not the guy who scoffed at you for the last 5 years when you said you were sad." and " I am not the one who chuckled when he found out another man loved you. I am not the one who it took you having an affair to wake up and realize what a special person you CAN be."

i don't hold these things to be reality. I can't help but wonder how much WW thinks that these things are real. Like all other WSs these statements defined her reality during the A.

And yes - I am thirsting for truth. And yes it probably has to do with me not getting it in the first A. If you remember as recently as last week WW would not even call the 1st A an A. It was "that guy I emailed a couple times that you freaked out about."

So what do I want? Truth. I don't want it all right away I just want there to be some honesty, caring and acceptance between us. I don't want us to tiptoe around this like it's not happening. I want to meet it head-on. I want her to share herself with me. Want her to open up. I feel like truth and honesty has been missing from our M for years and we're just dealing with this like we do everything else - with avoidance! I'm so tired of avoidance.

This is who we are. This is what is happening. We need each other to get through it. I want communication.

You're right. I don't need to figure this out right now. I CAN wait and sort and process and post. I know this.

BB - I know I can go to the HR dept re: harrassment. I need agreement from WW to do that. And I am 99% sure that she will not want the embarassment or the disruption.

NG - thanks for the words. I know this insanity in my brain is temporary. Part of working it out is posting here. I appreciate your support.

BW is betrayed wife? Forwarding to her would produce another onslaught from him. Is that what I want??

"Notice how many are with you at this time, MDC...you're not alone...wrong...you're loved."

I do notice this. Thank you everyone.