LA- We're not getting 15 hours. Though we are spending time together alone on weekends that we didn't spend together before.

I'm a little down and numb. I know that we've got to be doing more than we are. I really don't know where to start. I fear that she's going to push back on reading any books or going to counseling. I asked her to fill out the EN questionairre and it hasn't happened yet. Another fear is that she's going to make this difficult. Drag her feet. I have not been sharing ANYthing with her really. I'm withdrawing from a PoRH perspective. Not being "super-R-man" anymore. If that makes sense.

Is she wrapping up withdrawl? NC started 6/9. He's broken thru with some phone calls and email... Haven't changed her cell phone number for a second time. She told me we could change it if I wanted to. Well, I want her to want to. AND I want her to do it.

I got very angry tonight. I was paying one of her traffic tickets that could have been handled with defensive driving school but she's couldn't follow through on signing up for it because her life was "too crazy" at the time. All I could think was that her "crazy" life could accomodate a clandestine, illicit, immoral relationship but not a phone call to defensive driving.

Now I can't look at her.

And how. It got to the point where I could not see the person that she was.



Involves expectation and judgement. Creates anger, frustration and resentment.



What do you mean?



I'm there already. I used to hate this stuff. Thought I was above it. I relish it now in a zen kind of way. I like taking care of my family. Things have slown down for me a lot in that way. Some of the peace that I found through this has stuck with me.




Not so much that I want to be worked for but that I want the M to be worked for...

Thanks for caring, LA.

MDC,

I've been thinking about both of your posts...

"Another fear is that she's going to make this difficult. Drag her feet. I have not been sharing ANYthing with her really."

Doesn't sound like a present fear...sounds like one you've been anticipating for awhile...would that feed your powerless feeling, your numbness...your helplessness?

Your WW stopped her affair. Withdrawal looks like dragging feet...having your WW in an A--that's extremely difficult...in withdrawal, no contact, well that is difficult.

You have not had an affair, nor been in withdrawal...you haven't had to deal with whatever your WW is dealing with...holding her to your standards now is a dangerous choice...

Not speaking your truth is a degrading choice...why make it? Tell me what closes your mouth, shields your heart? What did you do that was so terrible you can't speak of it?

Your focus seems to be again consumed by her...her actions, thoughts, effort, lack of effort, commitment, lack of commitment...sucked into what you cannot control...nor can you know, until you are as honest as you want her to be with you.

You're worth honesty, openness, sharing...being worked for, chosen. You know this. You are valuable. Speak, MDC. Recommit to this marriage, again...your habit of expectations seems to be a tasty poison...put them down for now...for another month. Live like you thrive, for today, just you...present, aware, respectful...feed your peace, your joy...listen and repeat...

When she said "we could change it if you wanted to" (the cell number again), why not say, "Yes, I very much would like you to change it. Thank you."

Do not pay her traffic tickets...she writes the check, faces the consequence, mails it...

Tasty poison you've got there.

Can you acknowledge your limits? Can you still take care of yourself? "I cannot do that for you, WW. I don't think of your affair as a crazy time. I think of it as a careless time. I am triggering badly right now. My sorrow is choking me. I will not do what I will resent you for anymore."

And walk away.

Don't go numb and mute. Speak, MDC. Please value yourself and stop betraying yourself.

How long is withdrawal? My H's A lasted three months...and two months of withdrawal...I don't know the formula...

I know you were wishing with all your might for your W to come back to you...she's on her way...it was a longer road than you can imagine to get wayward...full of lies, self-deceipt and justification...they smoothed that road...resentment gave energy to the trip...think of that road back without those...

And mind your own road...so you can meet her, if you choose...and save your marriage.

(((((MDC)))))

LA

thanks la

Mr. W -

Need your legal expertise on this one. OM has been contacting us every 2 weeks since 6/9 - the date of WW's NC letter - via WW's cell phone (just changed the number AGAIN) email, and home phone. Every 2 weeks on the dot he reaches out.

I sent him a note letting him know that all contact since 6/9 has been harrassment and any further contact would result in an anti-harrassment restraining order being filed against him.

Sure enough the psycho wrote me back right away to tell me that his work knew about WW and he and that he and his job have filed something against me with respect to my stating that I wanted to "shoot OM in the head" when I was speaking with his XW about 3 months ago.

I may or may not have said this, I honestly don't remember.

My gut tells me the man is bluffing. I've copied the email below. Do you see any obvious holes?

BTW - I think I'm going to go ahead and file the restraining order.

"LOL. MDC. Please understand that my work was notified completely about my situation with WW and the threats you made to me about taking me and shooting me in the head. They have requested XW to sign an affidavid (sp?) and appear in court. She has agreed.

Therefore the process has already started against you from Workplace and myself. I feel you are a threat and will not tollerate it. I know you lied to WW that u said this, but I guess XW being willing to go to court for the exhusband that cheated on her shows it is true. And I will not be threatened by your instability.

Until I hear from WWs mouth that I should not contact her I will consider her your prisoner. And I and her friends have agreed to tell the authorities. Do not email to my work, for your own good, as they are now filtering for yours and WWs emails."

Do not be threatened by this snake. If you told him you were going to do something, DO IT. This is all bullies understand, nothing else. If you did say it you said it under extremse stress and duress at this snake having cheated with your wife. People say things all the time they don't mean literally, just read the paper. If you have no history of violence, record, etc this should prove your stability to this traumatic point in your life.

I have made myself a vow throughout my ordeal. If I tell STBXW and or OM something, by God, I MEAN IT! I will complete whatever I told them I was going to do otherwise they think you are bluffing and will call you on it every time. Don't tell WW or OM anything you don't mean (legally of course and short of physical violence).

THANK YOU H&P. This is what I needed to hear.

I sent the harrasment note this morning and he wrote me back with this bile. True to my word I will file a restraining order as I said I would.

Thanks again. This is all SUCH a bunch of garbage.

Anybody know what city I file the RO in? The city we live in or the city OM lives in? Also I don't have his address - I think he's still staying with a friend after his XW threw him out. Can I use his work address for the RO?

Thanks

You need to show the e-mail to your FWW and ask her to please send him the NC letter with a statement that, if he contacts her or you, again, she will consider it harassment and file charges against him. Let her see what a "gem" this joker is.

BTW, the best he and his company are going to get is a RO and a no trespass order - you will have the opportunity to appear in court to defend yourself. It is at that point you will want to take a record of all his calls to you to demonstrate he is the one maintaining contact, not you. You will also want to take a copy of the e-mail you sent him and the one he sent you in response. I am not aware of any type of lawsuit he could file against you except, perhaps, defamation for telling his work about him having an affair and truth is a defense.

Regards,

BB

MDC

I don't know what state you are in but see the link below for Arizona that I would bet is similar in nature to other states. It may very well be called an Order of Protection vs. a restraining order in your case.

http://www.cityofmesa.org/court/protection.asp

Thanks BB. I did not tell his work about anything. The only person I spoke to in his world regarding the A was his XW. And she knew before I called her. I gave her details she didn't have.

I've forwarded the emails to my FWW and asked her to participate in the RO.

FWW already sent a NC letter. At this point I'd rather just file the RO since I said I would upon further contact. A note to OM from FWW will only produce more of the same. Unless the object is to prod him to respond & gather more evidence against him...

HNC - I'm in Phoenix metro. Thanks for the link. I would probably file in Tempe where he works.

HopeandPray is dead on.

Don't allow bullies to push you around. If you said anything like that you can always recharacterize it as "maybe I said somebody should put a bullet in OM's head...not that "I" intended or threatened to do it...OM is and always has been in the Lord's hands, HE shall be my redeemer".

OM's don't take people to court to get restraining orders. OM's are cockroaches that can't stand the light of day. Do you think any judge is going to take OM seriously. Besides, let him get a restraining order, then you file a petition for a reciprocal one. You don't want to have contact with him ANYWAY.

Additionally, perhaps your silence on the email could be inferred as accepting the facts as stated (i.e.- you threatened him). This may not be advisable as it just escalates and further adds to the drama; however, perhaps you should send his XW and boss email and dispute the facts he stated therein.


Probably over the top and unnecessary. I don't know as I am unfamiliar with your entire situation. Go ahead and file YOUR restraining petition. Don't sweat his threats as I think you can handle leaving him alone as you'd love nothing more than to be done with him.

Mr. Wondering

By gosh, Mr. W, perhaps we should open a practice together!!! LOVE the e-mail Mr. W proposes and would strongly urge you to consider the following in this exact order:

1) File for RO;
2) Have WW send another NC letter that plainly states, "OM, LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE. DO NOT CALL, DO NOT WRITE AND STAY AWAY FROM US. I am not my husband's 'prisoner.' I am here because I choose to be here and not with you. GO AWAY.
3) Send Mr. W's proposed e-mail to XW and Bosses, w/ copy to OM.

Regards,

BB

Mr. W - thanks for the response. I like your letter. I'll take it step by step. First I'll file the injunction againist harrassment. I am seriously concerned that he knows where we live and FWW is home alone w/kids all day.

Good plan BB. Thanks

FWW just filled out the injunction against harrasment and she's upset that she may have to face him in court if he requests a hearing. Says she doesn't want to see him ever again.

Should I put myself as the plaintiff and add her to the order to spare her having to see him in court?

It was probably difficult for her to fill out the injunction since that's a pretty long way from where the two of them were 3 months ago.

mmmmm,

You've sent several no contact letters and OM keeps popping up and threatening you with lawsuits. He thinks you've locked away your wife and are keeping her hostage.

Usually I'd say do it yourself and let WW/FWW stick to no contact; however, this is one case I believe your wife must sign and appear so OM gets the point. She may be able to avoid testifying completely. Maybe she can sign an affidavit or something. Just say she had to work that day and you are appearing on the behalf of you both. You have enought first hand evidence to get the order anyway. But your wife must sign the paperwork...and fill out an affadavit (in her hand writting so OM won't think you just forced her to sign it).

If she must personally appear and see him you two should discuss a plan TOGETHER on how to handle the likely scenario's you'll face. Team up and brainstorm. OM must get the point your wife is NOT interested and he is irrelevant.

OM stupidly wants closure so give it to him so HE gets out of your lives once and for all.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr. W.

Should I call OMXW? I don't have her email or physical address. I know her old address so I supposed I could forward a letter. I would call her and ask her if she knows what OM is up to with the contact, etc. Maybe she is making a statement against me. Can't imagine why...

Anyway if there is legal action underway against me would it be a bad idea to call OMXW?

Thanks

MDC,

I'm reading and following...you know I'm legaless...just good at making up words...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MrW? Is there a chance there is no legal action brewing...just more fantasy crud from a fantasy-trapped man?

That would be OM...NOT MDC...

LA