I am wary of criticising any of the experience posters putting in time and effort to help us in need.
But I did notice , BryanP, that on another thread you are advocating Plan B almost immediately.
I do feel that is the sort of action one might have instinctively taken years ago, before Sites like this one.

I know what you have said to me is absolutely right...WW is cake eating and humiliating me!. I cannot disagree with anything you say.

But, what I feel I have learnt from this Site and associated books is to tread more carefully. And accept some humiliation and loss of pride to try and get closer to the wayward partner. I feel I have shown myself to be tough mentally in accepting the appaling way I have been treated by WW...and I have taken some tough action as well which has made her "sit up"!
It cannot go on indefinitely, and I will be forced into final strong action...Plan B, House sale, eviction of WW...etc..
But I am sure I will have shown her that I care, and can be tough and not accept all the insults. And sit with her and talk things over. And show her kindness and show I am trying to understand. And by talking and keeping as close as I can, I am sure I can feel some deep love and affection hidden in there somewhere.
I may of course be completely wrong.

I am sure as much time should be spent on Plan A as possible.
I think time for me though is fast running out and I have no idea what the end result may be!.

I just can't go over after 27 years she treats you like this. I am sorry my friend but I personally do not see why the affair she ever end unless the OM gets tired of her. He has a playmate that comes to his place and allows him to have sex with her 3 times a week in the evening and leaves in the morning. Apparently he does not have to deal with anything within a real relationship because you take care of all of her material needs. How perfect for her. She gets to be taken care of materially by a loving husband while she gets to engage in a great sex life with her lover.

She tells you the affair may not last because he does not want a committment. This is quite telling because by logical extention it means she would dump you if the OM would have her full-time. She is like a slot machine. She gives you a little bit of positive feedback but continues to humiliate and disrespect you in the worst possible way. After 27 years you are thrilled that your wife may allow you to give her a hug while she leaves to go have sex with her lover in the evening. It is painful to read what you going through. Again it seems to me that there is no reason for her to stop the affair while you continue to enable the affair to continue without consequences. Your wife is simply playing you. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Your wife and also the OM are displaying utter contempt for you and your feelings. I know that you love her but is beginning to border on masochism to allow a spouse to continue to do what she is doing to you.
I do wish you luck but I think that your wife has done such a number on you that you are overwhelmed and unable to think rationally. You don't deserve this. Enough is Enough is Enough. One last time again: Your wife has clearly shown she and the OM do not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Bryanp...I am glad I sent that message to have received your reply.
It is as usual spot on. ...and Plan A has had a reasonable run.
Just for practical reasons I am not taking action till the House is valued...soon..and marketed.
Then matters will be clear cut ...we can split proceeds and go our separate ways.
It may be possible to have a legal separation made up sooner so agreement can be formally set up on the division of property?. If so, may be able to put Plan B back in to action sooner.

I am keeping an open mind re the future of our marriage.

Hello once more,

I am glad that you are becoming proactive. I firmly believe that what you are contemplating will result in your wife coming out of the fog and coming back to you. I wish you luck.

Tell me, would you be willing to change the locks at home when she's out with OM? I ask because legally, you can't make her leave...yet we make our choices and bear our consequences.

If you had all of your kids at home on the night she usually leaves and together, asked her to make her choice...go no contact or don't come home...and if she left, change the locks...would this be something you could do?

I ask because if she were to call the police to let her back in, she would have to say why she was locked out...not that it changes anything...having to state what you're doing is important...

I'm not suggesting this as a manipulation to get her to do something...more as a symbol...same with inviting the relatives...the more people she faces who she chooses to act in front of, the more opportunities there are for her to see herself...

Or not.

What you do, the brave actions you take, are yours, alone. I am suggesting what you can do while in Plan A to enforce boundaries...and be the reality bearer.

Yes, while in Plan A. Plan B is cutting off all contact...her moving out now is not Plan B...it is Plan A from afar...and a visitation schedule for seeing her DD is something you can share with her, "What do you think of this schedule?" now.

DD is old enough to refuse to see her mother...but I don't think that's healthy...respect DD's choice, though.

Can you see where staying O&H, being the reality bringer is really Plan A?

"I feel I have shown myself to be tough mentally in accepting the appaling way I have been treated by WW...and I have taken some tough action as well which has made her "sit up"!"

Where's the sitting up part? I'm lost.

More exposure, Nagrom...if you want to change the locks after the family intervention, you could make a sign on the door that says, "WW chose adultery partner. She moved out."

How brave do you want to be? How resentful do you want to make yourself? How is getting in the way of WW's choices a good thing?

Did you read in the books about someone in your exact position? With knowledge and permission to live at home, and see OM three nights a week? I don't remember that...wasn't that way for me...

Maybe why I hurt so much for you is that I put my DH in that position...only I had the fellow in our house.

Maybe I'm urging you to do what he didn't do...I may be all wrong here...just me trying to undo my own past.

I am mortally ashamed of my old self...and I think I'm seeing her in your WW.

LA

Dear Friends,
I have decided to let things run their course for the moment and leave posting for a while.
I must keep steady on my present course, try and keep happy and not irritate my wayward spouse. I seem to have been going round in circles recently.
She has noticed I keep changing my mind...which I can see is very unsettling for her....and been irritable. If we are ever going to reconcile and rebuild our marriage I am very aware I have to improve this aspect.

I don't know if will be able to cope, but if I have problems to discuss I will return to the site.
Thank you all for your help so far.

I had a marvellous night out with my four children...at least someone loves me.

Let her be unsettled, Nagrom...you are torn up...apart...and yes, you are going to keep changing your mind...you're not wrong. You're human.

I just went around in a circle this week...it was the only way back to where I wanted to be...

The only way you can reconcile and rebuild your marriage is for her to stop her affair. Do not take on anything that is not yours...

Until then, your marriage is being attacked by your WW...do not lose truth in your fear...

She is looking for you to provide fodder for her decision to slash other humans to pieces...do not give her fodder...she'll have to make it up. Waffling isn't fodder...yearning, fearing, hoping...they aren't fodder.

They are all yours. Tell her hands off.

LA

Thanks.

You're welcome.

LA

Am still "hanging in there".
To recap...4th April WW told me she did not love me any more.
18th May..Affair admitted.
From there on WW staying at OM's place 2/3 nights a week.

I consider my Plan A started on 10th June with the exposure letters I distributed....this has not prevented the Affair.

Later, I almost commenced Plan B but WW was advised legally not to leave the house.

The house is to be valued this weekend with possible sale to follow.
But I am certain that if we do sell and split now there will be no chance of a reconciliation.

Plan A has therefore only been going for a month and I had planned 6 months. Our "relationship" is otherwise good and WW said she enjoyed last week with me. Talking and doing things together. I feel that I stand my best chance of recovering the marriage by continuing as I am with Plan A.

2 Questions...
1). My age of 68 does worry me. Although we made love several times a week...my age shows!.
Whereas OM is probably 25 years younger and I am sure provides much better sex!.
This may not help in the reconciliation?.

2). I am sure I am not the only one that has to accept WW carrying on the Affair after exposure. I am not ready, able or prepared to launch into Plan B yet.


I am hoping the Affair simply "dies" in due course.

Do you believe that SF is about physical comparisons or do you believe it is an Emotional need?

How are the children? The two at home?

Behind you on whatever you choose,

LA

Thanks LA.

Re SF, it has always been a high priorty emotional need for me. But I feel in a reconciliation with WW it would be lower on my list of EN's.
SF is an emotional need.
I don't know what priorty WW would place SF in. If I can believe her, not very high. According to her, sex followed later on in this Affair.

The 18 year old son is fine and has his girlfriend for company. A few weeks ago after a few drinks with his friends he met OM and gave him a real talking to...including "stop xxxxxxg" my mum. I think he has lost all respect for her, though.

12 DD is becoming very difficult and argumentative and has lost ALL respect for her WW. A bit worrying. I am trying to prevent the conflict between them. She knows we both love her.

I am going out for a meal with the children on Friday eve, while WW away with girlfriends for the weekend. 12DD told WW who, when she asked me what it was in aid of, seemed slightly put out about it.

I think I will gradually lose my respect and love for WW as this continues. But will try and keep as friendly as possible so she will remember how nice I was!.

She knows how much she is hurting me ..and the children...and definitely feels guilt. That is probably why she is trying to be honest with me...as honest as one can be in an Affair.

I want to stay on this course for now. I don't want to keep changing my mind as I have been. Anyway I do not want to appear too indecisive to WW.

Your support is much appreciated.

May I suggest for the meal with your children, that you listen and repeat what they say? Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Really hear them.

Please explain to me what DD12 told WW who...I didn't understand their conversation or your part...if she was asking you who WW was going away with or not.

I want more than SF is an emotional need from you Nagrom...you think that's enough for me? I want you to tell me what emotions are involved in that need for you...I want to understand what SF represents to you.

Because it matters in your Plan A.

Please do not try to prevent conflict between your WW and your children...especially your daughter. Get out of their way. Your DD craves honesty and her mother isn't giving it to her. Don't get in the way of others' consequences; please don't step on what is theirs and theirs alone...their feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

If your WW demands you step in, be respectful. "This is your relationship with your daughter. I know you are choosing it. I respect her enough to not intervene."

Children become "difficult and argumentative" when they cannot state their feelings, their wishes directly. You as peacemaker makes that much more difficult. Remove yourself from what is theirs...you can no more shield your DD from your WW's actions than you can yourself.

Plan A is the reality bringer...not the conflict avoider.

Kids can feel crazy when their parents aren't being honest...when they are hearing "everything will be okay" when it isn't right now, and no one is saying that.

How are your O&H drive-by statements going? Where you state what you're feeling and thinking in short bursts?

You cannot make your WW remember how friendly you were...you can be friendly. You can be respectful for yourself, true and honest...you can own your own stuff...and hand back what is not yours when she tries to hand it to you.

You can remember how proud you were of yourself for being true to yourself, your marriage and your children.

LA

LA,
Sorry...my sentence was not clear. WW found out that the children and I were going out for drinks and a meal on Friday as DD12 had asked her if she could take a friend. We both said yes. Probably nothing to read into it but WW seemed slightly taken aback especially as no special occasion.

Re your SF question, am not sure how best to answer it. You say it matters in Plan A, so you may have to probe deeper for answers?....as it seems important/.
I have always felt a need for regular sex. In our early days together SF was very good for both of us.
It seems from what she has casually said in recent years that she would like less....my need being greater than hers.
I have taken notice of this but probably not sufficiently and possibly more of a concern to her than I had realised.

In conversation recently I casually mentioned that if we reconciled I would not be so sexually demanding...and said it certainly seems a lesser priorty now.
She had given no indication of not enjoying it, and the closeness, regardless of satisfaction which varied from good to not so good.

I do not know whether I am getting close to answering your question?.
If we ever do reconcile this an aspect that may need time, care and discussion.

I have briefly touched on various EN,s that may have not been adequately met, in chats with WW. But I felt that while she is "addicted".."deeply in love" with OM her mind is probably too "foggy" to discuss anything in depth and I cannot thus depend on truthful and honest answers from her?.

WW accepted my suggestion that she backs off from confrontations withh DD12. But we agreed that I would join in to calm things down only when and if necessary.
It did seem a bad idea to lett tempers fly as that could make WW even more keen to be with OM.

Re "O & H, I forget what this stands for...not on my list.Please remind me!.

Thought I would mention that recently several people have expressed surprise at WW's behaviour, she having appeared to everyone as a sensible, home and children loving,, caring wife and mother.

One couple who chatted to her about 6 months ago told me recently that in general conversation WW had said what a good marriage she had had...spoke highly of me and that she had said (for some reason)the sexual side was good.
What a change in 2/3 months!.
WW's mother and other relations say that

...WW was very protective of me...always talking about me and praising me. And said how "comfortable" she was with me.
I have calways felt "comfortable" with her...possibly part of my downfall, taking her too much for granted?.

Of course she has referred in conversation to the last 2 years of our marriage as being unhappy!. So I am glad I made that detailed note of a typical WW and interspersed it with comments re WW to show how she followed the normal "pattern".
As expected, according to WW the Affair came after the marriage discontent and WW's "separation" ...disposing me from the bedchamber!.
History has been rewritten slightly as expected.

Nagrom,

You're here. I'm talking to you about you. What does SF as an emotional need represent to YOU? Not WW.

Why would you betray your daughter for your WW? That's how I see you stepping in the calm things done if and when they get into it...your daughter is devastated...she is as betrayed as you are...because her mother is choosing to have an affair OVER her family.

Do you understand that your WW is NOT your W? Plan A your wife, as Orchid advises...and Plan B the WW. You cannot CONTROL what your WW CHOOSES. She will use anything...even your friendliness, your compliance...to justify her choices. Why would you aid her? Why would you sacrifice your DD to succor your WW?

I am asking for you to confirm, to point out, your WW's choices...listen and repeat...be respectful, know you are separate and have no control at all over another person...and you say, I got WW to agree to back off...

Where's your truth, Nagrom? What are you living by? Manipulation or commitment? If you are playing a game to win your WW back through little white lies...through believing you have control, influence, where you do not at this time...if you are going to keep peace at any cost...then what is there to come back to? What kind of marriage can you have? Like you had before? Where confrontation, openness and honesty (O&H) had no place?

I'm sure I'm over-reacting here. I am sorrowful for your circumstance, for abdicating what I see as your power, knowing your limit, and truly changing your life...

Assumptions and mindreading are DJs...they are lies to self with a payoff. Each one you indulge harms you...and it harmed your marriage. You are worth knowing; you are valuable...your existence does not cause conflict...nor does owning what is truly yours...

What you are exampling to your DD is peace above all...don't be honest, hold back, withdraw, be polite and betray yourself...do not state your feelings--act out, instead, like her mother...and I see you saying, "Hush, now...hush, hush...don't make a scene."

If you could, in this world, manipulate your WW back into the marriage...what would you have? Would you have someone who chose her family and husband...or someone who was duped into it?

Consider your goal, Nagrom...purify it. Distill it to the essence you truly want it to be, and go from there. I urge you to authentic in Plan A...respectful...firm boundaries and progressive enforcements...you could do a manipulative Plan A for a year and it would not work, IMO. (In my opinion.) Why? Because we can't control others, ever.

Your WW cannot control you...not with her stating she is being driven away or not--if you truly believe humans are all created separate and equal--the only way she can manipulate you is by your choice of what to believe.

As for your WW stating she was happy in her marriage before, just a few months ago--I don't believe her. To be wayward, to do this HUGE amount of destruction, you have to lie to yourself and others for quite awhile...long enough for you to have forgotten your truth...and in order to do...you have had to not stated your truth for a long before THAT...

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Examine that, Nagrom...find your way...firm the road...act from your code, not react to her actions...do not lose yourself to gain the marriage...because again, what would you really have?

On your side...happy you can post more than one line at a time (cleared up for KFH, also)...

I am not bashing you, Nagrom. I am not attacking you...I am challenging you to be truthful...HONEST TO THE BONE...because in this way, you will not prostitute your integrity, pile up your resentments, and if recovery comes, you will not sabotage it now...

In your corner,

LA

I am wary of reading too much into what WW says, especially as she seems as "addicted" to OM as ever.
WW cooks, cleans, laundries for us very well...but otherwise we (Me and the family) might well not exist!!

But.... the other day I told her that depending on the valuation we might sell the house soon.
WW did not say no...but was not keen.

But she did say that she had thought we agreed that we would not do anything drastic before Sept/October this year. A bit puzzling as not the best time to sell anyway, but I realised that this would be about 6 months from the time of the Affair starting.
The husband of a friend of WW's had had an Affair. He returned home for good after 6 months!.
WW has said the Affair will be over one day...but actually if and when is anybody's guess.