Longhorn, I have been waiting to hear from you! I Missed you soooo much! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Let's see self-improvement, well, I'm dressing everyday, no more t-shirts,jeans, and tennis shoes. I want him to look at this eye candy (HAHA) everyday. I'm might still be wearing jeans, but dresssing it up with heels or sandales. I'm fixing my hair better, and makeup. I've gotten a lot of comments. That's one of the things he likes: I can looks like a woman but still be a tomboy and get dirty. Makes me feels tons better about myself! Also, IC has been good, and I'm not spending time with the boys anymore! I'm spending quality time with them. We laugh much more now a days, instead of me always fussing at them for whatever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I realized that I was taking alot of my angry at H out on them and that wasn't fair (who knew!). So, needless to say, I'm changing from the whole situation, trying my very best to take a bad situation and turn it into something positive. One way or another, I figure it for some reason we don't make it through this, then, I'll be prepared for my future by not dragging any extra baggage into a new relationship. Figure if I hold on to all the bad feelings that I have now, then, I'll end up just hurting myself and not H, who I think deserves it in the first place.

Did I mention I still haven't gotten my books? Mail service has been horrible since the hurricanes! So, for the time being I take comfort in everyones posts.

I'm glad that you pointed out to me that he was drunk at the time of admittance. Most people say what they really want to when they are drunk right? I wish I had gotten more information that night, however, he was so angry, and I was so shocked that I didn't want toget into a physical confrontation. We've never had one, but there's always a first, and I have never seen him so mad as I have over the past few weeks.

H does email and stuff like that, but OW doesn't have the capables to do it! But I do have passwords and will be looking for that too!

Well, I don't know if you have read my other posts, but I have been to two IC sessions, Tues. H goes to his, and Thurs. we go together!

What do you think about that? I never thought he would agree to go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I guess I keep winging it with the help of all of ya'll until my books get here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Ouch. I had no idea the books weren't there yet. That's terrible. Well, read everything you can on this site (particularly in the "Most Popular Links menu) on Plan A and B. That'll just have to do until the books arrive. Where's the Pony Express when ya need them huh?

I don't know about people saying what they have a deep need to say when they're drunk, but they surely say a lot of things simply because they don't have enough reasoning power left to be able to dissemble. If they admit something against their best interests, it’s probably true. They don’t have the ability to construct anything complicated in their drunken state.

Stay with the counseling. I’m glad WH has decided to go also. It’s a major step for him, I gather. Counseling does no good if the affair is still ongoing so you’re not going to be able to relax your vigilance for a long time. He’s going to counseling and you can’t discourage that, but make sure your counselor knows you are not certain the affair has been completely broken up.

Regretfully, everything will have to be taken with a grain of salt for a time. It’s sad, but necessary. You’ll know things are really getting better when your husband agrees to voluntarily give you the passwords on his computer, agrees to the requirement for complete transparency, and accepts radical honesty as a way of life, etc.

Plan A sounds good. Is there a possibility of a strictly “hobby” kind of thing--something fun just for you?

Let's see hobby, well, I really love woodworking! H got me a router some time back and my dad asked me to make him a sign with his nickname routed into a piece of wood that cut from his saw mill (from a downed tree from Hurr. Rita). I had only used the router once before and I was amazed at the end result! Now, I have in mind to do not only the neighbors something similar, but our house, and my boss would like one also, so I guess the hobby is falling into my lap. My boss also mentioned that there are people out there who would pay for something like that! I love building things, working with wood, etc. LOL Great creative outlet to anger management! LOL

Well, thanks, Longhorn, I look forward to hearing your input. I will certainly keep you posted. Tomorrow I will be driving to met the in-laws, they are taking the OS for awhile! we'll be down to one child! WOW! That will be a little easier to find a babysitter! LOL I look forward to freeing up some of my time. Oh, H mentioned tonight taking me shopping with the extra cash getting paid for working late, at my favorite clothing store. I mentioned that it might me a good idea if he saved it for a weekend getaway. I don't think I got a response, I probably should have kept my mouth shut! I'm not sure where that was coming from! We did have a great relationship before, I even got diamond earring for Christmas. He's never bought me anything like that before, but we did have the extra cash. I really think that we can grow from this and come out smelling like a rose. Of course, today's a GOOD day! LOL

How about I keep up the good work? It's been a good day!

I think you have a good handle on things. There are going to be low points on this roller coaster ride but you'll get past them. Hobbies help you stay busy when you'd otherwise be obsessing about things you can't do anything about at the moment. Definitely...good work, lady.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I'm not the best of nights, H at work still. I went bought him supper earlier, I checked the computer before I went up there and he had been on one of his sites again! H had come home earlier in the day to rest before starting the cash job. He always deletes the history but if you go to the site it tell you the last time you were there. It really pi$$es me off that he looks at that. It not all the time but [email]d@mn![/email] He was posting until he found out I can do a search for all of them. Should it bother me that much or am I overreacting to view the some pics from time to time?

Your husband has an addiction to porn? If so, yeah, it has to be addressed. It'll be a perfect topic for IC next week.

I really don't think he's addict to it. Is there such thing as reasonable porn viewing? i will bring it up at IC!

That's probably the best place to address it right now. Even if it's not an addiction, it's darned disrespectful for him to be visiting sites like that.

Well, I'm not sure if H will be going to counseling session tonight @ 6pm. H said "I was making him do something he didn't want to!" He was really angry last night because I asked a few questions about the A and the last call he got from OW. Go figure, he said that he couldn't remember what was said, that was the day I called her and she was going to call him right after I got off the phone with her. She was going to tell him that she didn't want contact with him! It didn't surprise me that he said that! I got SAA yesterday and am on pg 78, so I've read the "can't remember section" already! So, what if he doesn't go to this meeting tonight? We were suppose to go to our session Thurs. @ 6, I guess I just continue going by myself and finish studing SAA?

As a BW of an admitted sex addict. Whatever you think is going on...it is usually 10x more. You are able to see just what they are not able to hide, only the tip of hte iceberg. They are probably viewing much more...and it will get worse over time...they will need more and more (chatting, webcams, etc...)

Is there such a thing as reasonable porn viewing? I used to think so...but if this is an issue in your marriage, and he's not been able to stop, this is an indication of a real problem.

My FWH used to use porn as an escape. When he was under stress, would self-medicate himself with porn.

Like an alcoholic, he can't view porn at ALL any longer...it is not reasonable for him to just usse a little...it sends him to leading a double life...

Thank you for your insight it's greatly appreicated. H use to be at the computer for hours on use looking at this site. H stopped for a long time, said he would just get bored with it, and then, he'll pick it back up, but it's never gotten as bad as it use to be. I do find it disrespectful one way or another! If I can get him into counseling with me, I WILL address the issue. What's his choices, I know he's scare of losing his family? I guess that's an advantage. Does anyone think I should mention the session tonight or just sit back and see what happens?

Well, I'm about half way through SAA, and it's really starting to make sense. I also, got HNHN today, and am looking forward to reading that one only. This whole experience has been a real eye opener! I'm hoping that HNHN will be just as beneficial. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can get H to read the two? He's stubborn and hard headed! we were working on an exercise that I found to reaquire each other and last night he tore it up and threw it onto the floor, where it still lives. At lunch, after he left to go back to work, I did put another copy on his side of the sofa for him. I'm not sure that was a good idea or not. I'm not sure if he regrets tearing it up!

Thanks again for everyone's support! I definitly would not know what to do with myself if it were not for everyone who's responsed to my posts.

Special thanks to Longhorn for putting me under his wing! I know you help alot of people, and I hope to do the same one day!

He cancelled IC for tonight, said he wasn't sure if he was going to cancel on Thurs.! said he had to think about it, what's so hard about it? What is it I'm not getting about him going to counseling, H said I didn't understand and it was like talking to a brick wall with me!

SAA is going to give you a tremendous understanding of what has been going on with your WH and what is happening now, NC. The book is extraordinarily valuable in getting your WH’s adultery resolved, and then it is also an excellent guide for keeping a marriage vibrant for the rest of your life.

The short answer to your question is there is no way to MAKE him read either SAA or HNHN. I'd leave them out on the coffee table or the end table where he can see them, but don't make a point of trying to push him into reading them. It has to be the alien's decision and it'll happen quicker if curiosity gets the better of them rather than doing it because they feel they have to.

I don't think it wouldn't be wrong, though, for you to be seen reading them. It’s like leading by example. When the time is right, you can casually ask him what he thinks about a given passage. It doesn’t matter what his opinion turns out to be.

The point of the exercise would be just to elicit an opinion from him. It has to be done delicately, but stimulating someone's curiosity is best done a little bit at a time and in a non-threatening way. You have to know he may never read the books, but he might also do it some afternoon when you’re out of the house and can’t see him do it. You’ll know if he does check them out.

NC, you need advice from as many people as you can attract to your thread. What one person misses completely, another may see clearly. Please be careful not to inadvertently exclude anyone’s valuable insight by concentrating too much on any one person’s input, okay?

Most men have a great deal of trouble opening up, NC, and particularly to a stranger. Include me in that group. I’m not terribly surprised he didn’t want to jump into IC if he’s never done it before. He probably wouldn’t care for the idea of some stranger “messing around in his head” at the best of times and (while it’s doubtful he can articulate it at the moment) I think he’s probably instinctively avoiding it right now because his emotions are still too raw. He’s a recently recovered alien drug addict coming down from his addiction, remember?

I suspect you will have a better outcome if you coax him into couples counseling first. I hope you’ve shopped around and found you a well experienced, pro-marriage counselor. The sessions should be a forum where the two of you can open up sensitive issues before a person who will not judge you for how you feel. Picture your counselor as a wise, old grandmother (or grandfather) figure who loves you both and wants only the best for the two of you. If this counselor turns out to not be what you’re looking for, find another one.

Let him explain his reasons and accept them as legitimate concerns because they’re real to him, okay? Then, perhaps you can call the counselor and ask him or her for pointers on how to persuade your husband to try the MC. I bet he or she has had to deal with such hesitancy before and can help you gently move your husband to a better feeling about this.

I'm tired of it all, she called him yesterday, just to ask a question. He took the call in front of me, said he didn't want to upset me so early in the day. Then, he lied to me last night about NC with her. I heard the conversation, no big deal! I said we were back at square one and he said we haven't even got there yet! Then, I asked how do we get to square one, and he said that he would show me this afternoon! I'm tired, and ready to throw in the towel!

Again, thanks to everyone who's posted for me. Thanks for all the advise!

<sigh>

You have to wonder sometimes what part of "No" or "Contact" the alien doesn't understand. You're right. You're back to the first step in the withdrawal process, but he might be telling you more truth than he realizes. Did contact ever really end?

The clock on Plan A is restarted and counting down. How long do you feel you've been in Plan A and how long can you follow through on that plan? Can you do more snooping?

BTW, realizing his adultery is still ongoing (as evidenced by the renewed contact), the couples counseling probably isn't going to do any good at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Contact is once a week, yesterday's call lasts a minute. I really need to finish SAA and come up with a good solid plan. I have to say I've been winging it. I am ready to throw in the towel, and I'm just beaming with excitment to see what he has in mind to get to square one! If I really had a place to go I would be Plan B'ing right now, or if I could get him out of the house! I think I've been Plan a'ing since a few days after I found out but I've really been doing a bad job for the last few weeks. Only, because I know there's been contact and last week, last Tues., it's now all a lie, there was no affair. Well, I know they've both lied to me! At this moment, I want out. I can't imagine living with a liar, being lied to everyday! how can I plan B without H or I moving out of the house?

I can't figure out what you mean by the above, Lady. Can you expand on it a little bit, please?

What happened last night? WH was going to explain his concept of getting to "square one," right?

I tried to post twice yesterday and got an error.

anyway, I called OW last Tues., she denied whole A, said she was going to call H an tell him that she didn't want any contact. She called, but didn't say anything about no contact! As a matter of fact, she asked H if I was going to call her again the next day.

Well, H and I really got into it this past Tues., I completely lost it. She keeps calling him and that was his point. But, he doesn't want to change his cell number, and I guess doesn't see the point in no talking to her. He doesn't want to be with her and wants to work on our M.

Anyway, we were arguing and I have never lost my temper but I did and starting hitting him. H never hit back, as a matter of fact, neither one of us believe in hitting. I was abused as a child and he just doesn't believe in it. All I remember was saying "I hate you! I hate what you've done to me!" This may have lasted a minute, then, he went sit on the swing outside and I went lay in our bed.

A few hours later, H asked what I wanted to eat. H decided to go get something. So, we get in the truck, and head to the restuarant. H passes it up and parks at my favorite clothing store. well, our YS was with us and he was complaining he wanted to go eat first. Matter of fact, he's 3 and he picked where to eat. YS walked into the store and said that he didn't want to be there, well, H said to him: You don't come first, Momma #1." I felt so bad, how could he bring me shopping for clothes and say that after I was hitting on him. Thank God I didn't hurt him, though I doubt I could!

After we got home and I was alone, I cried because of my behavior. How could he bring me shopping, help pick out clothes with me (something we haven't done in a long time)? I do have more to say but I will have to write later. I'm rushed right now!

Well, last night was good! We talked and had a good night. Tonight, we havea date. I got the babysitter and H has to plan what we will be doing. I'm not sure if he's planning a movie and dinner, or a motorcycle ride and dinner. I'm looking forward to it! I like surprise and I know I have to be really excited about what he choose to do!