Ok, checked H's cell phone record Tues., saw call from OW. Of course this made me crazy, and I called H to ask him about it! He through a fit, so I decided to call OW and she denied everything, as a matter of fact her stories didn't match H stories. She's been dating this guy for 5 years, she offered me to talk to her son to verify the story! She also has a very sick daughter that never leaves her side. She was shocked that H said all of these things about her and she was calling him after she got off the phone with me to tell him not to call or text message her anymore! Needless to say, there were plenty of other things we talked about that doesn't match up with H's story. I'm more inclined to believe OW then H. I called him and H showed up at my work pissed and later that night he confessed that he never sleep with her that most of the time he was ay her apt. H was hanging out with her son, watching his football clips! OW said she would always tell H he needed to talk to me, and I said he never did! She said not to give up on my marriage and to please call her in the future and let me know how things where going! I didn't believe him before about the affair, things didn't make sense, and now I really don't know what to think! I go to IC again today and the earliest appt. we could get is next week! I have tons of questions: why would he lie about having an affair? I mean OW didn't even know we were having problems, when they spoke is was about the kids (our's or her's), doctor appts., work, things like that! why would he intentionally hurt me like this? I'm to the breaking point! Now, what do I do? I still haven't gotten SA or HNHN in yet, soon I hope! I'm going crazy, can't sleep, barely eat, etc., I, in an emotional ******! Any ideas? Of course, everything is my fault! the reason why friends don't stop by the house,etc. , etc. All me! H said he finally got the attention he was looking for after he told me he had the affair, when I was doing Plan A. He was so pissed at me the other day after this went down, it was like I've never even knew who my H was/is! It's all my fault that everyone knows abut the A, because I told everyone (which I did)! Expose, expose, expose, right? What now? I'm not sure if I need to go to a lawyer or stick with the counselor! I figure maybe the counselor would tell me, yes you can make you're marriage work, or No, I think i8ts time to get out! I'm having to put up with emotional and verbal abuse right now and I'm just trying to bide my time, thinking it's just a rough patch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I don't know what to believe. I think maybe there was an affair, and she didn't want you to know - didn't she say one time that she wouldn't talk to him again if you found out?

I told OW that he said that and she said that she never knew anything was going on, that we were having problems or anything! That was another lie that he told me, just like H saying that OW's son was aware that they were sleeping together but didn't know H was married! That was a lie too!

Hmmm. This is all so strange. I don't know what to make of it. You'll have to sit down and talk to your husband.

How much time was he spending with her?

I just what to know if it is a lie and H didn't have an A, why would he put me through 5 weeks of emotional ******, what to teach me a lesson! was this his way of trying to get his EN's met, and he just went about it the wrong way! He said he did like all of the attention he was getting from me over the past few weeks! Any ideas on the whole thing, Please, any suggestions, ideas! I'm desparate at this point!

I don't think you can put any more stock in what an OP says than what a WS says. She has plenty of reason to downplay the situation. And I'm no expert, but it doesn't sound very logical to me that your H would go over there just to hang out with her kid.

Maybe he WANTED things to go further than they did, or he was much more attached than she was ... maybe it was an EA, is it possible for those to be one-sided? Maybe much more serious for him than it was for her?

I sincerely doubt that she's as innocent as she'd like you to believe. I think I'd keep working under the assumption that there was an A, at least until the point where you start getting details out of him.

Well, I figure I'd tell the counselor about ti today and when we get into counseling together the truth will come out. He11 after today they might want to do a phone conversation with him!

You pointed out a good point I did think that maybe it's only him because he did say that she made him happy and gave him the things that he wanted! But It's trying to figure out the truth in all of the lies! I need to hear the truth to work through this thing! I NEED to know, I deserve to KNOW!

Im going through the same thing WH says they were friends for 12 years? All I got was lies from him, some truth from her.I may never know but we are going to counseling. Im hoping this will get the whole truth out of him and Yes we deserve the whole truth and nothing but the truth! This emotional upheaval we are in is terrible.It actually makes you sick. And yes I will have mine take a lie detector test to which WH says they are`nt accurate.HA! go figure.

I just can't imagine a spouse admitting to an affair that 'wasn't'..good Lord, it took me 5 months to get my H to utter the words...
You know your H better than any of us here though..what in his mind would make him think that if he confessed an A to you, that he would get Plan A and not Plan Don't let the door hit ya in the [censored]?
Just seems like quite the gamble if you ask me, and I agree with the others..the OP is likely a liar too...don't believe a word either of them say...look at your reality and your gut..what are they telling you?

oh, and believe NOTHING that you hear and only 1/2 of what you see...truer words were never spoken...

Well, I went to IC yesterday and schedule appt. for H next Tues and One for us next Thurs. H agreed to go, even talked to his boss and told him we were going to C to be sure to get the time off without any hassles. I was so proud. I never thought he would go! Ever!

this- I'm like you, I don't believe there wasn't an A of some sort but I'm sure all of that will come out in C. Before he told me about A, I thought it was just an EA that I was trying to stop before it became a PA. That's why I was so shocked when he told me it was a PA. I always thought H would never have an PA because he was to scared of catching something. I even told him, "NO, you didn't your lying!" Denial, I don't know! Anyway, I believed him and he couldn't or wouldn't give me details, then, all of a sudden, there was no A. Needless to say, rollercoaster, I can understand why everyone on this site is on a rollercoaster! I just hope that the fog is starting to lift because I ReAllY need to see a little clearer. I'm near the end of my rope! Or at least I was when I began this thread! I'm sure you can all imagine the thoughts that went through my mind!

But Don't worry, better today and hope to stay that way! My love to all of you and I wish you a great day!

A sex addict like me would say believe nothing you hear and believe everything you see. You saw a call from the OW to his cell phone. Obviously someone from her house called him, her son or her. Why is she saying for him not to call or text message her? You should have seen those as outgoing to her on the phone records.

I did see them as incoming...she was calling after I guess he texted her! She said she was going to do that for me b/c she wasn't aware this was going on! Like I said "we'll see!" I'm still watching, so far so good! I think that's part of the reason H was so angry Tues, b/c she called and said she didn't want to have contact with him anymore! I'll find that out soon! I've thought about calling her back but I think I want to sit back and see what happens. What do ya'll think? Call her or sit back? Any other suggestions?

I say sit back and watch. I guess I did my stuff too long and I know that sooner or later if you are doing something you shouldn't it eventually come out. And like if in this case you are already suspicious, then the closer you are watching things, the more likely something it will show up if there is something taking place.

And you know they shouldn't be having contact at all, whether she is trying to "help you" or whatever. The way she could help you is to ignore him and not talk to him at all. And of course he definitely should NOT be having contact.

AskMe- Thanks, that means alot in such a short statement! I will keep my eyes peeled!

Does anyone have anything on counseling? I'm a newbie to it and I'm wondering how it works, what to expect? I'm really nervous about the whole thing!

Here is the Marriage Builders linke on counseling.

One thing you might want to consider about a counselor is if you have a particular religious belief whether that counselor follows that belief. For instance if you are Christian, you might find that a Christian counselor follows or provides guidance that more closely matches your beliefs. I have know Christians who are surprised when they go to a marriage counselor that is non-Christian and they are suddenly supporting their husband's affair ridden lifestyle or immediately recommending divorce before reconciliation is given a chance.

There is individual counseling and marital counseling. In the individual counseling the counselor is working one on one with each spouse. In marital counseling the counselor is seeing both spouses at the same time trying to bring them into harmony. It helps if each spouse has had individual counseling to resolve their own issues prior to marital counseling. For instance if a husband has a sex addiction problem, then counseling for that problem may be needed first and then marital counseling to bring the couple into recovery.

Well, I don't know if you have read my other posts, but I have been to two IC sessions, Tues. H goes to his, and Thurs. we go together! I did find a pastor at a local church to support us in our time of need. I thought it might be a good idea to do it with someone who knows nothing about us at all, but I did want that Christian backing. I've hear that this pastor is great from a number of sources! Actually, his wife will also be sitting in on the MC with me and H. Oh, thanks for the link, I'm going check it out now! I'm looking forward to reading it!

I had read some of your posts, but not the ones on counseling. It's good you have someone to see for counseling. Counseling has it's high and low moments. Sometimes it feels like progress and sometimes you feel like you just got run over. And each person has to own their part of counseling. You can't do the other person's work for them. It's not your job to manage your husband, and it's not your husband job to manage you. Each one should desire to do their own work. And your husband, especially since he was the violator should take the greater ownership. But as I have learned each spouse has their dysfunctions to work on. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse. I bet you didn't know you weren't perfect. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You know I'm just teasing. I learned a long time ago I'm not perfect, although that's one of my flaws, wanting to be perfect.

I went back and read through some of your posts. I'll probably go back and read some more. I'm alway looking to know more as I try to understand the dysfunction in a family. I tend to pick up clues that help me see why someone reacts the way they do.

Now, i just wrote a whole bunch of stuff and it couldn't be posted!

AskMe- LOL, thanks, I really thought I was the best in the world! LOL Actually, I hit up H the day after he told me of A and said that it was my fault I was not meeting his needs! He was shocked but then I hear the A was a lie!

I would love to see what you can pick up on! Look foward to hearing from you!

One of my greatest fears is that H doesn't take ownership for all of the heart ache that he's caused whether the A happened or not! If it didn't that was the cruelest joke of all, AND SHOULD BE SHOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No, what was going through his mind? A, no A! I really, more than anything need him to understand the pain and suffering he's caused and to truely be sorry for it! But then again, how will I know? I know actions speak louder than words, but I'm worried that I'll miss it!

Hello, NC. Just checking in to see where you are in all of this. Seems like your WH is still in contact with OW, but that's no surprise. These things take time. The adultery didn't begin, flourish, and take hold of his life overnight. It’ll take a similar period for it to die. Contacting the OW may have broken them up a little, but don’t depend on it. You need to keep snooping wherever and whenever you can.

(BTW, I saw where you were surprised the PA was with an unattractive (older?) OW. That’s not unusual. Virtually all WS’s “affair down.” An adultery is all about the WS. It’s narcissistic in many ways and the WS doesn’t want to have to compete with someone on their own level.)

I’d rely on what your husband admitted when he was drunk that time, btw. The OW probably told you the first things that came into her mind when you called. It’s in her best interests to deflect your attention away from her and she’ll do or say anything to make that happen. If your hubby admitted it was PA, assume it was. Like everyone else, I’ve never heard of anyone admitting to a PA that didn’t happen. I’ve been trying, but I can’t imagine anything a WH would have to gain by such a thing. I haven’t managed it yet.

You’ve done exposure, and WH went ballistic. That’s normal…predictable, in fact. You just blew up a wonderful little Fantasyland that included just him and OW. From your words, I think there’s a good chance he and OW were in the midst of reestablishing their relationship when you saw the incoming phone calls. They may go deeper now. Does your WH do emailing, Instant Messaging, and stuff like that? If he does, and you haven’t already, this is a good time to put a keylogger on the PC he uses. For other suggestions on snooping, check out the link in my signature block.

So, now you’re in Plan A, continuing to gather intelligence, and working on making yourself and the home as attractive to WH as possible, right? What are some of those self-improvement projects you’ve started? I think you said once you’ve read Pepperband’s “Carrot and Stick of Plan A.” That thread bears a review from time to time.

Now what you have to do is just hunker down and wait out the storm. How long are you going to do Plan A? I’m sure you’ve read SAA by now. Go over the checklist Dr. Harley put together for Plan A…you’ll notice the first thing he says is set a time limit.

Okay, I’ll hush for now. I start typing sometimes and can’t stop. Hang in there, okay?