Things are looking up. Cautiously optimistic?

Thanks! We have now schedule Thurs. and Sun. for trips out of the house! Our OS is at his grandparents for the summer and our YS will be going to a babysitter on those days! On Thurs. nights YS sleeps over, so we don't have to worry about what time to pick him up. This is a great relief for the two of us! We have always felt like our kids were our responsible and hated asking a babysitter to watch them. Now, we have both realized that the kids come second next to our M. That in itself was a great eye opener for the two of us! It's amazing how, we couldn't find a sitter when we want to before but now, people are very understandable with the situation and are very willing to watch the kids. It's almost like their pulling for us and some of our friends are doing it for free! I've heard all to often lately that everyone would hate to see us break up! The exposure has been wonderful in that respect. Friends and relatives are being very helpful! Has anyone else had this occur?

I know in the being when I did the exposure I was very uncomfortable, because I felt like everyone was saying, behind my back, "How could she have not known? She's so naive, or what a fool!" Things like that! But now, it's almost like it's bonded us to our freinds and family more! I know that I'm more appreciative of things, even the simpliest of things, like H picking up an empty coke can! I think all to often we begin to take things for granted and don't see the light for what it is! Now, when H calls me by a pet name, which he did before, I see it for what it is!

I think H and I's biggest problem was the withdrawal we were doing to each other! It was the time we were missing out on each other! I can say that I married my best friend and somewhere on the road of life with kids, and work that wsa lost! We never made time for each other! We knew that there was a problem but couldn't identify what it was. we would talk about how we felt for each other in the past but didn't know how to get that back! This A was definitly the worst thing that's ever happen to me (us) but at the same time, it's the best thing! We have found what's been missing for years!

Still no NC with OW! H and I are doing well! Like I've said before we had a good marriage before the A, I'm seeing a world of difference already! I'm seeing H interact with the kids and I more, helping around the house, and meeting ENs. We will be doing the EN questionnaire this week. I started mine last night!

I am cautiously optimistic! It's amazing what you can learn from situations like this! I will never have "blind" faith/trust again! I will always have a watchful eye! And I can definitly say that I will not give him another chance if an A occur again. I will be going straight to the lawyer and H knows this. I think everyman/woman is entitled to a mistake; it's what you learn from it that matters!

Good for you. Did your copy of SAA ever arrive? You're doing some of the things Dr. Harley advises recovering couples to do, but it would be best to have everything in place.

Yes, I got it last week! I'm half way throught it and I also got HNHN in. I'm excited to get finished with it and move to the next one!

It feels good to get some positive feedback. I know the situation could be alot worst from the all the other posts that I've read. when I first found out I was thinking the worst. H wanted to be with OW, didn't want us, but as time went on, it was really about ENs. H said himself that he didn't love her, he liked the way OW made him feel. She made him happy and he got to laugh! Never once did he spend the night, or her come to our house even when I was out of town for the weekend! So, I count my blessing every time he opens up to me and it not as bad as some of the things i hear from my fellow MB'ers. If it wasn't for my new found family here, i would have lost without you guys! I find that ya'll are better than IC.

Who knows I might find out that the situation is worse that he has made it out to be later down the line, regardless I have everyone here! Without the support, I don't kow what I would have done!

Being prepared to find out more information as time goes along is a good policy. Many, many remorseful wayward spouses tend to hide things they believe the betrayed one won't be able to handle. They don't understand the "cover-up" begins to be more of a problem than the initial act.

I guess your husband's insight into his own motivations is not a new thing or you'd have commented on it by now. He's unusual. Most people can't do it that well or so quickly. The MC session should be interesting.

If he's that introspective, SAA should be a good read for him, particularly the last 2/3 of the book where Dr. Harley proposes 4 Rules a couple can follow for complete recovery. Keep up the good work, lady!

I respect your insight so much. Thanks for all of the feedback! I'm hoping to get him to read SAA and HNHN eventually! He's not ready yet for the reading or the MC.

I have a degree in Sociology! I've had marriage and family theraphy classes in college, but I've never had the need to use what I've learned! In the past, when we were going our separate ways, we would try to talk about what was going on but we just ended up blaming each other! We were not willing to own up to our part of the problem. I think we have grown from this experience or at least I know I have. I still see hestiation in H, but take today from example. He'll be getting off at 5pm, and picking up YS, so that I don't have to drive theresince he's right there! In the past, that would not have happened! H also, was picking up OS from taeknowdo classes before he left to go to his grandparents for the summer. H wouldn't to this because he wanted his time to himself!

I do agree that he is trying to protect me or "cover up" some of the things that he's done, but as I told him one day, "You can't cause any more damage than you've already done!' "It can't be as bad as what I'm thinking you've could have done!" As time goes by and I get him to open up, picking the times when I know he's willing to talk about it, I do learn that it's not as bad as I was/am thinking!

He asked at lunch today if I had any projects in mind for him today after he got home and I said the only thing I wanted to do was the EN questionnaire. H made a little face but when it comes to it he'll do it! I'm looking forward to seeing what he has to say! I think I've thought about mine enough that I know what I need from him!

If anyone else wants to jump in and comment feel free! H and I may be in a good spot now but who knows what's in store for tomorrow! I would love to hear from everyone!

Excellent attitude and great progress, lady. You know your husband and where he can go right now and where he can't. Fantastic!

Longhorn, I have a go getter done attitude with everything! I want it done right here right now, well, I've had to learn that's not the way Hubbie operates! I understand that he sees this as being pushy, so I had to step back from that! It's not an easy thing to do, being patient! LOL

I guess it's like sometimes women just want someone to listen, not a fix for the problem! I'm a problem solver and sometimes he doesn't need my help, just an ear! OW was just a friend before this grave mistake was made! H needed someone to listen to him, value his thoughts and feelings, apparently I wasn't up to par in that category! Then, when I started avoiding SF (?) then, I'm guessing that's when it turned into something more. It's sad to see how something so great can turn so sour because life gets in the way! Come to think about it I guess I've truely forgiven him, because I could have just as easily made the mistake given our path.

Boy, those AD's are great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I second that!!
Blind

What you think blindsided, can you think more clearly? Since I had to up my dose, the world is a prettier place!

Anyone else? Can I get an AMEN? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Not feeling to good today! H called earlier and said that works not doing good, managment is screwing up big time. I told him to try to have a good day and he needed to think good thought about me! He said "What's that?" I Tmed him soon after we got off the phone and said "that hurt my feelings!" What was that suppose to mean? does he not see the good things from me, about me, or was that a response in accordance with his day?

I suspect it means his mind was full of the problems at work and he had trouble shifting gears. Us guys are like that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

come on needingcomfort...

if you are rebuilding then really use this time to establish new communication tools and patterns...

calling someone at work while busy when they have already expressed that they are under stress at work....and wanting them to talk about your hurt feelings...

have something special waiting for him to welcome him home ...

don't bring it up again...
let it goooooo.......................

there is NEVER a good time to talk about bad feelings when one is at work...and the other is at home..

it is doomed to fail from the start...

break this pattern..

ARK

Ok, Ark, I get the point, he did call me, and i was trying to give him something to be positive about but that didn't work!

Well, during lunch I didn't bring up the comment but I did ask why he didn't seem to want to do the EN's questionnaire. He said that I bring it up everyday, which I don't. Then, come to find out he's still mad that I check his cell phone bill. I asked him last Sat. about a certain number. If anyone remember that, well, H said he's got negative feelings towards me right now. I guess in regards to me checking, well, I say and probably should not have "You put yourself I that position."

There's still no contact that I know of! 9 days now! He said even when we have a good weekend together I'm pushing for the papers/activities to be done. Well, I'll lay off of him doing it because it seems like it's a LB, but I won't lay off the snooping. I'll just keep it to myself! He said that he would do the [email]D@mn[/email] papers tonight! I don't see that happening! I'm trying to cater to his every need without knowing what those needs are! What is this? what's going on with him? I'm REALLY trying hard not to be pushy or anything of the sort! I guess I back off more! Let things ride?

Oh, I did say that I refused to go back to the way things were and it didn't seem like he is willing to work on us. Is it too soon for this? What am I doing wrong here?

I'm really having a bad day now! Wondering what and how I should act when I get home! I want to pick up all of the papers and act like he does, "nothing's happened." It's one of those hopeless feeling days! I mean do I give him some space, let him watch TV by himself, sit on sofa with him and just don't response, unless I get a direct comment or question? It's days like this were you just want to throw in the towel!

Can you do *67 from a cell phone, so that the call doesn't show up on a cell phone bill? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

NC -


I would recommend doing your best to just act happy and light-hearted, if you can. It sounds like you're still very early in recovery, which means you're going to have lots of highs and lots of lows, usually (if my experience is any indication) in pretty rapid succession.

If he feels you're pushing on the EN questionnaire (or other aspects of your relationship), pull back. I've had to do that with my wife, and pretty much let her dictate the pace in that area. If he's only been in NC for 9 days, then he probably isn't even in withdrawal yet (depending on how long/intense the A was).

Focus on your Plan A. Just as it takes time for a spouse to become a WS, it takes time for a WS to become a FWS. These things can't be rushed (believe me, I wish they could <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).


Are you referring to blocking caller ID? I thought that was *82, but I coudl be wrong. I can't speak for all carriers, but with T-Mobile blocked numbers do show up on the detail bill with date/time and duration, but the number itself is listed as "Blocked Number".

Thanks, brokenbird, I guess I go home and pick up the papers or do you think that I should leave them out?

As far as the cell, I was thinking that they could still be in contact but using the cell block. I don't know anymore, i'm starting to doubt myself, my actions, everything. Is it worth fighting for? Then, I go ann have a great day or weekend with him.

Well, I will put on a smile and do my best to be cheerful! H won't be home until after 7 anyway! Gives me time to get HAPPY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />