LA- It's a good thing I never tire of you being right! I read your post last night and had to read it twice and sleep on it.

I do have a tendency to be competitive but it's not all the time! And never once would I have seen my behavior as being in competition with H. The first time you wrote about wanting what you want, when you want it...I didn't understand what in the He]] you were trying to explain to me. I guess in the future I need to ask myself if I'm trying to win, if I'm just asking to be understood, or what are my true intentions. I guess the question is am I trying to decieve myself, and how do I figure that out?

I stopped the mumbling long time ago, H, I think only does it in those cases. So, at least I know how to move that button now!

I was venting yesterday, when I said all those things about his behavior. I knew I was Djing, but I now know that even with venting I need not Dj because I'll carry that over into other aspects of my life. I am having a hard time with that, and would love more advice on how to correct that poor behavior.

I can tell you guys that when H asks what I'm thinking about I tell him the thoughts that were passing through my mind, if I can't remember everything, I give him the last thought. For instance, last night, we were in the tub, and I looked over at SAA, and he asked you look like you're in deep thought. I said I was thinking about when he said that he would like to read the books, but in his own time. I said I don't have a question or a comment, it was just the thought that was going through my head. It was left at that. I'm trying to may an honesst effort to be H&O with him.

I mentioned getting "The Five Love Languages" yesterday, well, I haven't finished reading HNHN yet, but this book has me so excited. I'm almost finished the book, definitily by tonight. I find that it's similar to HNHN but a little clearer to me. I'm trying to figure out what my language is because I would enjoy all of them, but it's finding the primary. I'm sure by the end of the book I'll have it down pat. I think I'm leaning more to Quality time. I love this book!

Ok I hate you guys. LOL.

"The mumbling was a subtle control factor...my not hearing...all me...all the time...I thought I'd lost my hearing! He would be very irritated when he had to repeat himself...if he would...and you know what? I don't like repeating myself, either...so I blew that off, as well...had to be my hearing."

I never realized the talking thing as a control factor. My FWW talks a lot I think we have established this. She constantly talks to me from other rooms and I have to go into the other room to listen. I don't know how many times I have asked her to come in to where I am to talk to me.

The other day we were at the pool and she said something, I still don't know what she said, I told her I couldn't hear her. I was sitting up she was laying down, pool is noisy. I asked her to repeat herself she said never mind it wasn't important. I asked her to please repeat again. Again it wasn't important. Finally I said if it wasn't important why did you say it in the first place?

I never realized this was part of the dynamic. Bang, ouch, bang, ouch, bang, ouch that was me hitting my head against a wall. LOL

I agree with LA on this point " because you wanted what you wanted, the way you wanted it"

It is a catch 22 though because I understand how you would be the bad guy for throwing it away. However you had the opportunity to remove that keychain from the future.

I think there is so much tied into that keychain now that no matter how it is disposed of it really might not make a difference.

Being back in conflict is really no big deal as long as you have a plan to get out of it.

We are all humans with a breaking point. My FWW used to say that I expected her to be perfect. I said no my tolerance level is just a lot lower then it used to be based on our circumstances. Things you used to do that didn't bother me because, for lack of a better term, My LB was pretty full. Now my LB is pretty empty if not in the negative so they bother me more now. The fuller my LB the more withdrawls you can make.

If yours is empty and he slips up then of course you are going to be upset. He has no balance and yet he still wants to make a withdrawl.

The main thing to be careful of is making sure you are not making withdrawls at this time. No LB's or at the very best minimal LB's.

Hi Needing Comfort,

I have been following your thread for a little while. Mostly due our situations being similar but then when I looked at your profile and saw our oldest child sharing the same birthday and are the exact same age, I could not help myself.

You asked the question if anyones WS is on these forums? My husband is on here for support and education. We both post primarily over in Recovery. My WS official and last NC day was 6/6/06 his id is Mark620. Maybe your husband could check some of those out? There are quite a few FWS over in recovery.

7142

OT....
This is believer's HD story

HAHA! I'm so glad to have helped in that process! LOL Don't bang to hard, I was unaware of it also. You can bet that I'm not playing that game again, I'm going to point out the behavior, explain that I don't appreciate it, and ask that if I do the same to please point it out to me. I know that I don't but it would appear to be a request verses a demand.

We're no longer in Conflict mode because I chose not to be there. I am making a conscious effort to not carry my anger from one day to the next, letting yesterday be yesterday and today, a new day! I slipped up yesterday, good thing H wasn't around. I'm not sure I wouldn't have been able to control the things that would have come from my mouth. Not holding on to that anger from day to day has really helped me, H used to say that I held grudges! It was more like resentment to me, maybe there's not a difference. I'm happier, I can say that.

Last night, he ran the bath and invited me in. He mentioned that he needed to scrub his feet (working in boots all day every day in working them over), but he can't them up long enough to get the job done. So, knowing how self conscious he is about them, I grabbed the scrubbie thing and went to work on them until my arm felt like it would fall off. I said maybe tomorrow I can do some more. I had to have gotten some points for that, I looked over at him once and his eyes were closed.

I'm choosing not to be in the Conflict mode and I'm not in withdrawal either, LOL, even though, I wanted to be in withdrawal. As fas as my LB, well, it's funny, I know I love him but don't feel loved a whole lot. As with many MBers, I feel like I'm doing most of the work, because I don't feel that he's willing to talk R like I need.

That's another thing, I can name my top five ENs, but am having trouble with the primary Love language. See, we spend a lot of time together be I don't feel complete and if we talk I don't feel safe unless we have a good conversation where we are both listening and interacting. I would like to get gifts but I wouldn't be happy without talking to him and spending time with him. I'm going to narrow it down.

You wait and see. LOL

7142- Thank you for posting to my thread. I'm excited to hear about our sons. That's great, H's BF's son also has the same b-day. LOL I don't know how that happened, but it's funny! I will make my way over to recovery and read some. thank you for the information. I hope that I can help you some time. I look forward to reading your story, which I will look for soon.

((((ChaCha))))
Thank you for the link, I can't wait to read it.

"I grabbed the scrubbie thing and went to work on them until my arm felt like it would fall off. I said maybe tomorrow I can do some more"

I know this is going to sound silly but I use a electric sander on my feet and my FWW's feet. Not a big belt sandar but a little palm sander. Kinda ticklish at first but it does the job. Make sure to use fine grit sandpaper. My personal preference is the black and decker mouse sander. When I am done not an ounce of rough skin.

I hear you about knowing and not doing it anymore. I have asked FWW a million times not to do it with the same result. Now I am concerned because my sons do it to. I feel like a dang puppy in my own home. When someone calls I am supposed to get up and go listen to them.

It is so ingrained in my FWW that last night I actually went outside to have a smoke and she started talking to me and I wasn't even there. LOL. I read this post before going home and I almost fell over laughing that there it was. Can you imagine how ingrained it must be for her to carry on a 5 minute conversation with me and I wasn't even there. I didn't walk out while she was talking btw. She started after I walked outside.

Good choice about not being in conflict.

I myself am tired of the conflict. I am just trying to figure out a good course for recovery without too much conflict. So far I haven't figured that one out yet.

"I know I love him but don't feel loved a whole lot. As with many MBers, I feel like I'm doing most of the work, because I don't feel that he's willing to talk R like I need."

I struggle with this too. To this day I try to look at the positives in our M and give them as much weight as humanly possible but I still don't feel like my FWW is a buyer. I have her somewhere between a freeloader and a renter. I want her to be a buyer, I really do but the buyer has to take ownership.

Someone pointed out to me my FWW seems like a renter and I will tell you it sounds like your FWH is a renter right now too.

I would be happy if she was renting to own. LOL.

"we spend a lot of time together be I don't feel complete and if we talk I don't feel safe unless we have a good conversation where we are both listening and interacting"

LA is going to have a field day with this statement. My two cents is you are looking for him to make you complete. You also looking for him to make you feel safe.

People only have the power over you that you let them have.

I can't wait to read what LA says about this. She is a little better then I at these things.

NC -


I've read the Five Love Languages as well - excellent book, especially as it describes the difference between being "in love" and having a mature love. I think it would be a great chapter for MP to read, but that's up to her.

It's quite possible that you could be bi-lingual. Chapman does make reference to that, though from his case studies it's not the norm.

I know my top love language is quality time - which is also the one thing I don't get nearly enough of. KariJean, one of the FWWs on this site, made a suggestion to me a while back that I might want to ask MP what quality time means to her, and see if I can include meeting some of her needs in my need for quality time.

MP's primary love language would be physical touch - at least, that's the one that jumps out at me.

Have you given any thought as to what your H's primary love language might be? If you can figure that out, and focus your Plan A on that area, it might be easier for you than trying to meet his top 3 or 4 ENs.

One thing that just occurred to me is that you should be careful of "flooding" your H by trying to meet all of his needs all of the time. I do not get the sense that you are doing that, but just wanted to throw out that caution.

Early on in our process, I went from one extreme to the other with MP, and it was overwhelming for her. It can also be exhausting for the BS. In the beginning, you have the adrenalin flowing through you - you have decided to fight, not flee, and will do everything you can to fix things. As time goes on, it will wear you down.

Again, I don't get the sense that you're on that path. If anything, I think you're doing a great plan A, because you're focusing on you. As you can see from my posts, I'm still plan Aing my wife from the wrong perspective, at least a good portion of the time.

Keep on going. This takes time. They say time heals all wounds....but it sure can be slow about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HL- I would have laughed at your wife too. We definitily don't do that to each other. I've never held a convo. with soeone who's not there and I can say the same for H. It's in PA mode that he does this, and if by requesting the behavior to change does not make a difference, then, I'm going to out right ignore it.

I can't wait to hear what she had to say either. I guess safe was the wrong word to use, I guess I should have said that I don't feel like my ENs have been met. That's exactly it! I explain more below.

Broken-My man, good to hear from you! I hope that you are in a better place today, you know it's a new one! I have to agree that speaking his love language is going to be alot easier than meeting his top few ENs. I am pretty certain that it's Quality time also, which it great because I'm almost certain that it's mine also! How perfect is that?
I can't seems to figure out what his ENs are without his help, so, I'm going to concentrate on Quality Time. You are also right in the fact that I'm not flooding him, I don't think I'm capable of doing that.

Well, H and I had a great conversation at lunch, even though, he was very tired and he's not sure why. I was explaining the book and telling him how I thought it was the best book that I've read in a long time. I explained that I was having trouble figuring out what language I was, so I asked him a few questions. He said that he would like words of affirmation but that wasn't it, neither was Acts of Service. I knew it wasn't gifts, and he's not a physical person, never has been really. Then, he said he really missed our Thursdays together. This is going to be the second week in a row (tonight will make the third) that we haven't gotten to go ride the bike to dinner just him and I. Then, I thought about college and the things we did then. It was quality time, undivided attention, and quality conversation. We were in fact each other's BF, we did everything together over the years. Where you saw one, you saw the other. We rarely went out without each other, it was just unheard of! We hunted, played pool, fished, camped, etc. together.

Even when the A was going on we still spend a lot of time together. Like H said "he liked having his GF and W at the same time," he never wanted to leave me or the kids. He had no choice but to chose me over OW; he wanted to keep everything he's worked so hard for. His biggest fear is losing me and the kids.

We have a tendency to talk when the kids fall asleep on long journeys. We'll go outside at night to talk, or when he gets home. I would be lost if I didn't have him around, if he was always at work, like when he was working in Houston. I was so lonely during the week, we would talk on the phone several times, and come the weekend OS (then months old) and I would drive the five hours to hang with him for the weekend. We didn't even have to go do anything. This was well out of the "in love" stage, OS is now 8!

MIL said one time, then when things get rough for H and I, we stick to each other. She was always amazed at how we would argue like kids back and forth by it was as if that is what we needed. We acted like that was no big deal, we would argue, get over it, and go about our business.

You know at the same time, I had a hard time adjusting to him staying home all the time. He got a job in the yard here in town, and was able to be home every night when I was pregnant for YS. Things really went down hill from there. I felt like he didn't help out around the house, or with the kids, I felt like I worked full-time, took care of the house, bills, and kids. I coorindated the repairs on the house, if need be, hired someone if I needed to, while he worked and came home to either watch TV or play on the Computer.

I started hating to hunt with him, he would go off on the weekend without me and I got out of it by saying that it was boring. I don't enjoy it as much as I once did. Then again we don't use a one eye bull anymore. You grow up and don't get the same excitment by having to follow the rules! LOL

So, he would go off without me for the weekend, almost every weekend, and I got left with the kids and the house.
I was angry about the money he was spending, the time away, not taking at least one of the kids, just everything.

You can see how we ended up in withdrawal. I see my end of the deal.

LA-I was a rager, GOD, was I a rager! Depending on how I felt, with his influence, I would fold his clothes and intentional leave them in a pile on the floor in the living room! I would wait, and wait to see how long it would take him to pick them up. He never did! I was always trying to get back at him for the hurtful things he said or the pain he inflicted. It was the PA dance! Well, I'm tired of dancing, and everything that goes along with it!

That's my motivation! I'm tired of the dance! The A was just a kick in the a**, so get me in the right direction! I'm a little more forgiving of the A because it was secondary to the real problems we had. When I realized the PA dance was what I couldn't explain for years that's when peace of mind set in.

Nc,

I just read that post and it was like I wrote it. If you have read my post you can see that I also take responsibilites for my actions PRE-A. After the A I have been depositing as much as I can in the love bank. Almost lost him! Talk at ya later!
7142

Well, I just finish reading 5LLs, I'm so impressed with the book. I even got to the point that I was relating his material with Harley's material. Come to find out Quality Time is my second LL, my first is Physical touch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It so makes sense to me! I have longed for H just reach over and hold my hand or kiss me fully on the lips, and I have daydreamed about him hugging me. I was complaining before D-day that we always sat on opposite ends of the sofa and we never touched. WOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I'm going to ask him if he would take the little quiz in the back. I can read it to him and write the answers down. I'm also trying the experiment with OS. I would like to be closer to him, and I want to watch the little one and try to figure him out. He can be so hateful, mean, and uncooperative, a complete reverse of the OS. OS was a textbook child! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

7142- I'm working that LB, baby! I'm trying really hard. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey, LA! I asked OS if he noticed any changes in regards to me and he said you're not yelling! How proud I am! GOOOO ME!
Get that dance going before you get me for the statement I made earlier!LOL I can't wait to hear what you have to say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

HL- well, since I'm competitive, LOL, I think you need to ketchup! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />I had to do it, as silly as it may be! LOL I can't wait to get the book that you recommended!

Well, I'm going to work on finishing HNHN until my next book comes in! HA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

NC,

I just walked down memory lane with your day...when I finished 5LL (with the "of" it could be 5LOL), I was so excited I talked my head off to my WH, watched my children, talked to WH about their languages, and it was, I think, the first non-threatening conversation we'd had in four months.

I was shocked to find my main one was gifts...and I had related it to ENs, also...so I combined them...

Affection - represented acceptance, approval and connection...my H's hands had always spoken to me through touch (his preferred CA mode of communication...heehee...still is...and he said affection was acceptance, also...as was SF.

Gifts were gifts of presence, attention...acceptance, appreciation, admiration...

I loved the way Chapman broke them out...so I could see them clearly, and then jumble them up again.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Find your continuity...that one word, when you look at each language that hits you the most...find that word and then flip it over and see if that is what you're giving yourself now...that you weren't before...

Yelling...ahhhh...big kudos. Would you do me a favor? I know you are eliminating yelling through many ways...first, expectations...expecting not to be heard, listened to or acknowledged...through respect...and your commitment to not LB...to be safe...when you do feel the urge, will you ask yourself if you are experiencing any of these old things again? The expectation, not acknowledging, or feeling responsible in that moment for what you are not?

As to your rager...well, you know I'm with you there, also...and here is where I surprisingly found my competitiveness and P/A behaviors...attempting to make my H do what I believed was just...to win, like leaving the clothes...I saw a tupperware my H had used and left on his nightstand in his other room...and I committed to NOT picking it up...I charted its course for one entire year...from nightstand to floor, to under the bed...no kidding...had to win...at any cost...LOL...until he did.

He removed the bed from the wayward room and made it into a tv/computer room...so there it was...and in moving stuff out...there it stayed...and I finally spoke...

"Are you going to throw that away?" It was SCARY awful yucky horrendous...and he said, "Oh, that? I didn't see it there."

"I watched that for a year."

Then I felt shame...I did...an entire year charting the course of a malignant growth...for what?

I threw it away...uhm, with gloves...

And he hasn't left anything since.

ROFLMAO...of course, rearranging the room to stop my triggers was his act of love...and now I'm off to that room to watch a movie with him...he's arrived.

When you tire of the dance, find your part, know what energy you expended actually against yourself...then you'll re-energize to a new dance...you already are, NC.

LA

Nc,

How are you today? Read my post later. KariJean said something kinda funny!



Even pre A we were like that. I use to think about the same things and wish them too! Wishing and verbalizing are two different things though which I learned the hardway. Affection is my No1 emotional need and ironically it is my husbands too. Sadly enough, we did not act on it with each other. We do now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are you two more affectionate now?



That is wonderful! As hard and emotional this has been, at first I had to try real hard now I just do it without thinking about it. I am hoping the further our spouses come out of the fog and withdrawl the more they will realize what they almost lost, but we have do our part too.

Any luck with getting him on the forums?

ChaCha- Thanks again for the link, I'm going to definitily show Hubbie that one. Maybe It will interest him in the site, with so many biker lovers.

I got Hubbie to do the evaluation for 5LOL, his primary is quality time, and he has to secondaries, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. I'm not so sure Phyiscal Touch is really my primary. I do love it when we're sitting on the sofa and he rubs my arm or plays with my hair. My secondary was quality time and I'm longing for quality conversation! We all know that goes a long way with SF. I'm longing for Honesty and openness (it's #1 EN, then Affection). I want to hear what he's feeling, thinking, etc. When I ask him what he's thinking about he says nothing, I said if you haven't noticed I stopped doing that. I'll at least give you the last thought I can remember! He said he really wasn' thinking about anything just staring at the bike! It's getting him to open up and talk to me, and I'm not talking about motorcycles, trucks, the kids, work, and all that other stuff.

I also took a chance and asked Hubbie if he has seen any chances in me outside of the yelling?" I told him was OS said. H said "You stopped being so bi***y!"

Check this out, I had to make an appt. for YS this morning, his eye was swollen, second day in a row! Now, we spend five days in the hospital two yrs. ago for Easter. Cellulitis from a mosquite bite! Well, H wanted to know what time the appt. (10am). He just called and said that he was going to come pick us up, b/c I'm always handling this stuff by myself, and it gives his a chance to get out of work again.

LA- I was wondering if you can explain this a little more...

"Find your continuity...that one word, when you look at each language that hits you the most...find that word and then flip it over and see if that is what you're giving yourself now...that you weren't before..."

I even went as far as looking up the word continuity to make sure that I understood what the word meant and I'm still having difficulty after thinking about it all night!

OH, now, I have done some things but I have never tracked anything that long. LOL I can only handle a few weeks or months, but when you are fedup, you're fedup! It wasn't until recently that I figured out it was only hurting me, he didn't care! I told him about the laundry thing, he said "now what did that accomplish, it didn't bother me."

lA- You and I are so much alike it seems to me. Are you aware that I had a ONS after YS son was born. I was at my lowest. H didn't want a second child come to find out and he had told me that. It explain why he was so distant during my pregnancy and I felt that he didn't help after the baby was born like he did for OS. I gained 40lbs., and felt so bad about myself. I did the deed, told H about it, ended contact, and learned from my mistake. I thought made amends! I know that I could NEVER do that again! Not the way I felt afterwards, I know what I was looking for, I know why I did it, and I told HUbbie everything!
I think everyone is entitled to one mistake, I guess that's why I don't concentrate on the affair itself. I'm more concerned with the PA behavior, the ENs, and all the things that made us make those poor decisions in the first place.

Hubbie asked me if when I exposed if I had told everyone of my mistake and I said "I SURE DID!" I told him I had nothing to hide. I think he thought I was going to try and hide it and put all the blame on him for our problems. WEll, it wasn't just him, it was the both of us! We should have been more mature about the situation, but at the time, I think neither one of us wanted to look through the looking glass.

Well, I have to go bring YS to dr. appt. I'll try to finish this later!

7142-I'll read your post when I get back! I'm doing well today, thank you!

"LA- I was wondering if you can explain this a little more..."

Well then I can't be all mysterious and vague, can I?

LOL

Sorry 'bout that...in the previous paragraph, I found "acceptance" over and over again...in gifts, words of affirmation, etc...

I found acceptance behind honesty and openness, affection, appreciation...

Whatever you see behind the lines...when you break down those languages into parts of speech, you might say, look for what repeats.

Now I'm just kooky, instead of being MYSTERIOUSLY kooky.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

"figured out it was only hurting me, he didn't care!"

Yep...and watch yourself with this habit...I had to...because what hurts me matters...tracing it through myself...what doesn't matter is whether or not we DJ our mates caring or not...to add to the hurt we give ourselves...and we KNOW our H's care about us...we KNOW that.

No, I wasn't aware of you being a FWW...not at all. Wow. Okay then...I was just going to say about our finding what hurts us and tracing it...and not DJing because I found that came from my penchant to self-deceive and I DIDN'T because I thought, "Oh, that's just me, being wayward mindset"...so now, I did.

LOL

Wow.

Oh, and you brave FWW! When you exposed his, you included yours...an anticipatory strike? Your honesty shines, NC...way to go.

I want to caution you about narrowing, though...your A and his expand the EN/P/A stuff, I believe...because there are other components, the self-deceit, enmeshment and resentment/expectation stuff (as you already know) which are factors to look at...

Thank you for asking what wasn't clear...shows you're not assuming now, does it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You go girl!

LA

Hi, all! Our baby boy's got Pink eye! There's our plans for the night out the window. We felt like it wasn't ment for us to go anywhere tonight!

7142- That must be really easy for the two of you being the same LL. H and I have been more affectionate a few days after D-day. The first few days, I was in shock and slept in the spare room, got tested for STD's, andthat kind of stuff. For the first week, he was really loving, sorry, etc., then, he were to beingan a$$! H was saying things like I'm not going to kiss your a$$, and other really mean stuff! Of course, C was still present but things haven't gotten back to where they were that first week! I would like to understand that one!

To pick up where I left off earlier, I worked my butt off to make sure that he always knew where I was, when I was going somewhere different, etc. I always made a point no to put myself in situations where I would even look like I might get in trouble.

I was still angry about him not wanting YS at first. H said he felt like he was pressured into having another child, but now that YS's here, H won't give him up for the world! This was very devastating to me at that point in my life. While I was pregnant, I would yet so mad when one set of our friends would come to stay the weekend b/c H and BFW (different BF) would sit close on the sofa and I wanted so badly to be her. I always felt like I didn't belong in the group, it was just the three of them. I would tell H about my feeling but things didn't change. I told him that he gave other people more attention then he gave me. I compared myself to a doll that would sit on a shelve until he wanted to play with me. I said I felt like an outcast.

Up until recently, I saw H as selfish, he thought of himself, then the kids, the neighbor, and I was always last. Well, I'm not now! I was the martyr, never bought anything for myself, or did for myself. This last Dec., I figured out that I was the only woman in the house and all that money I would have spend on girls (had I had them), I could be spending on me. I got my nails done, bought some new clothes, dressed better then in the past, and started fixing my hair and makeup! H said that that the last time he slept w/ OW was before Christmas, about the same time, I decided to make a difference. After D-day, I stepped it up, dressed great everyday, hair make-up, the whole nine!

Basically, I got tired of OW being in my life, and I told H one day, if he wanted her, that was fine, I made it before him and I would make it after him should something happen with us! If he wanted her over me, that was fine!

You know the rest from there!

Thanks LA for everything! I am doing the best that I can to step up to the plate, own my own, find myself, and whatever else I need to do! When I exposed, I thought maybe he never got over the fact that I was wayward or (DJing) he did this to get back at me. Since then I've figured out different from talk with him. It just happened because of who we had become, two people living as roommates wondering whqat had happen!

Enmeshment (I've been enlighten) That's why I'm working so hard to straighten things out! I feel like if we had handled my A in the right manner, then the years followed would have been better. I'm not about to go back to our old life! I was looking to feel loved, if only for one night, my needs weren't being met. I know what I was looking for. I felt lower than dirt, and felt lower then that after that! I was empty! H said that he never thought if would go in that direction, it was just a place to hang out to get away from family life. My bad moods, the kids screaming, me screaming, me reacting to him and him reacting to me! I can remember H saying he had someone to talk about our problems. I didn't talk to anybody, and the one time recently that I did, I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.

I need help with that one. In the beginning after D-day, I broke down in front of my neighbor. I said that I had made an appt. with a lawyer and a C. I explained that I was scared because H had threatened to burn the house down then for me to get anything. I explained some of the things that his dad had done. well, when her H got home, she told him, and him and the other neighbor told H about the lawyer. They didn't explain anything else, not that I was going just for information, it was free, I wanted to learn about restraining orders because I was scare, nothing!

H kept this knowledge to himself for a week, things went well, until I learned of contact with OW again! I blow up, he blow up, he came to my office, voilently angry, said he would make sure that I didn't get anything. My boss was standing in the hall listening to what he was saying. H asked me into the parking lot and I followed, he didn't want anyone else to hear what he had to say!

After he left, I was really scared. I didn't know what he would do, and my boss was scare for me also! I called the sitter and told her not to let him pick up the kids. I thought he can pick them up and leave for all I know! She said I needed a notarized letter stating those intentions. My boss told me to go get it and that afternoon when I picked up the kids, she got it in her hands. That came back to bite me in the a$$, if you remember, but I was scared and didn't know what to do!

Needless to say, we've come a long way in the past two and a half months!

NC -

I think you just gave me a lightbulb moment, in conjuction with what LA has been trying to get through to me:


I can see where MP and I have been playing this dance (different dance card, same results and score) in our marriage.

My anger triggers her emotional shut down triggers more anger triggers more shut down.....not sure who started it, and it doesn't really matter. It takes only one to break the cycle. Whether it's just the cycle broken, or the team, remains to be seen.

Thanks for the object lesson <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Broken-That happened everyday at home, he would get angry, I shut down and/or got angry, and the pingpong tournamnet began and never ended. I can't even say where it began and if I was the one to start it!

I wish you the best in breaking the cycle.

Well NC it looks like you have made some good progress. I read your challenge and you know I am competitive.

I am actually stopping at Barnes and Noble but I am going to be getting a self help book instead.

I don't know how getting an A book would go over. Need a little peace for a while.

By the way it is more like a tennis match but the score is never love love.

I am working on breaking the cycle as well just in a little different way. You have a good weekend.