Welcome to your new day that was...and thank you for sharing it.

You hit a fear in me with the personality tests...I agree, they are fascinating...getting those words we need to define ourselves...having that gelled feeling, that acceptance of belonging...I belong to this type, wahoo! I get that. I fear them as shortcuts to defining who we really are without going deeper...my fear, not valid. We really are who we are...and we define ourselves every day.

Just my fear. And yes, if I recall, Stillwed here did Ennegrams and they take you to another level of knowing your number, triangulating your wings (things in other numbers on the list) and your partner's and how they intersect. It was amazing, fascinating, and I blew a brain gasket. I wasn't smart enough to figure it all out...no, that's not true...I read about it at the same time I was learning separate and equal...working on eliminating judgment...so inside, I didn't want to go down that road.

I had been boxing people all my life, so I did the 180 and didn't contain them at all...which isn't any healthier, but it was how I worked my way back to the 90 degrees...I see the cure in the opposite, then get back to reality.

Still working on that. Can I answer your question then as, not bad, not good, just is?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Like you saying you can see where H has manipulated you...and I say, I think you meant, "I see where you have attempted to manipulate me. Makes more sense." Because he can't manipulate you without your consent, your choice, your half, can he?

I think all thinking on self is great...and there are many paths to the same end truth...you sound thrilled, relieved, excited, and if it increases your acceptance of who you really are, and who your H really is...well, I think it's awesome.

Have I conveyed my opinion well enough? I guided my life from song lyrics, horoscopes, earning my definition through others, trying to see how God created me through personality...and stepped waaay over the reality I choose who I am...I am susceptible to this...I guard myself...it's a boundary. Has absolutely no bearing right or wrong, good or bad...honestly. My fear...not yours.

I celebrate you did this together...exploring together, being together...investigating together...delighting together...kudos to you and to your H on your choices.

LA

I think there was a hidden lesson in the whole experience. I was trying to work on something from childhood and I can remember hearing that my SD was a tyoe A personality. Of course, curosity killed the cat and I figure there was a missing puzzle piece in there somewhere. I rememeber hearing that type A personalities were amoung the hardest to deal with. well, I didn't find anything on TYPE A personalities, but I did find a wealth of knowledge.

It reenforced things that I already knew about myself which did excite me. Things that perhap I push to the side, for instance, I'm unsettled with the fact of being a caretake. and the balance between being a doormat. One of the things that you have questioned me on, but it is in my nature. I fing comfort in take caring of people. I'm proud to do it and know that it's my nature to nuture. I'm good with that!

I have always examined myself and reexamined myself from time to time. One of those things I wouldn't have thought of off the bat. For as long as I can remember, I have looked up things on what characteristics I have being born on my day, at my time, what's my numbers, etc. I have actually don't that test before. I even had a book on the zodiac signs, which fell apart, and not I only have my sign. I've kept that part of the book for years, my D and I are the same sign. It was important at the time because I was trying to figure out the relationship we had between the two. I think the important thing is to treat it as just imformation, not fact, sort of a guide line for who we really are. At the time, I was struggling to seek out why my D and I have the relationship that we do. This book define the Libra male and female separately. It helped me to come to terms who I was, who my D is, and our relationship.

Today, I started with a whole other process in mind, My SD and I, and ended with H and I. I think it was one of those lessons you get hit from the side with. However, I don't think it was my lesson, it was H's. He had to think about what was said, and he's not one to self examine. To him, people are always, always jealous of him, what we have, etc. To him anytime there a situation that arises and someone acts a certain way it's their jealous. That's what H has said, that how he explaine the recent situation with the Ns. Now, you and I know that's a DJ, and that there are others reasons behind people's behavior.

Seeing his personality type, did explain a lot to me regarding how he's behaved in the past and his driving force, which he agreed too. All "good to know" and good QT time for the two of us. This is the main part for me! We were able to discuss certain things about us, and our feelings without feeling unsafe. Conversation was free flowing and no DJs. Bam, just important exchange, another lesson, a small leap! His willingness to participate, a great thing. Who knows what he got out of it and what he's willing to do with the information.

As far as being separate but equal, I believe that these types of test are spoken in generalities, and it's our own unique express that sets us apart. I don't feel that personality traits or character traits make us different in the fact that we should be treated different. You've shared that with me in "Owning your Own Villagers." It's something to embrace, it'a always made it easier for me to embrace others once I know what I'm faced with. Not all of the information is there that I need, that's for me to figure out. It's only one side of the story, sort to speak.

I'm still working on embracing others without needing to know what I'm faced with. One step at a time right? I got to love on some of my villagers today, pat them on the back, say thanks, I appreicate you. We're all going to be one big happy family one day and I understand what you meant now about not disowning our little people. I finally get it, LOL! It's a never ending process for me, remember I'm the perfectionist!!! LOL You know, I would have looked down on that a few days ago, but I think that's amazing now! It's just another part of me that matter.

One day, many lessons! Great information!

And the best thing...tomorrow's a new day! Best wishes for the day!

Broken-once again, Bravo! Keep up the great work! Own your tools, and take care of them! Have a great one!

Anybody got any ideas on the above and why H sees other people being jealous of him, co-workers, some friends?

I'd like a good way to discuss this with him. I hear about this day in and day out. The reason why so and so is like this or acting like this forward me is because of they're jealous. H is not the type to say that he's going to get something and not get it. H follows through with obtaining material things. Most of the guys he works with W does not work, and our combined income helps us out. I also understand that the guys gossip behind his back or more so he's the topic of conversation alot.

I don't want to fix the situation, perhaps obtain some insight into it. I've thought about asking H if this is something that bothers him about others, then, it's a character trait that he possesses and why is it in him. Why does he think it's in him? What purpose does it serve for him? Just like in "Owning your own villagers" thread...

Rinderella,

I am an ENTJ. How appropriate. My initials are in there. LOL.

So I am a field marshal. LOL explains a lot.

The jealousy thing is pretty easy to explain.

It is easier to believe someone doesn't like you because you are doing better or are better then they are. In a way it makes you feel better about yourself.

So I could say they have problems with me because I did donuts on their lawn with my new Harley or they are jealous of my new Harley. LOL. Which one could make a person feel better about themselves and not deal with the reality of the situation. I think it may go back to the PA behavior.

It is also little ego stroke. Easier to think the grass is greener on your side of the fence. LOL.

Well thanks for the test.

HL-You are so welcome and thank you for the reply. I agree and feel that H has no intention of trying ot figure out who he is.

Well, something came up at lunch and basically it boils down to "It's my way, or no way!" I have heard this countless times from H. In a way, I feel his trying to influencce me into feeling guilty so that I will give into whatever it is he's trying to get. I'm standing my ground because I know I'm open to negoition except on a few things. One major one: I will not allow a third party into our M. That's his belief and I'm not about to own it. I think it's part of the game.

Anyway, I didn't speak much when we got in the car. I did inform H that I wasn't speaking because I was withdrawing from him like I had done in the past. I explained that my emotions were running high and I didn't feel like it would be a good idea to talk. Before he got out of the car, I did ask him if he thought or had time to think about his part in the problems of our M? He asked what I meant, I explained that I have thought alot about how I acted in the past, and that I felt I had done wrong. I went on to say that I'm learning to change that behavior in order to be good to mostly to myself, but also to be a better mother, wife, lover, and friend. I guess he thought I was expecting him to say something when I was expecting him to get out of the car. I said I wasn't expecting him to say anything, but was expecting him to get out because it was 10 mins. till.

Ladies and Gents, I didn't get a kiss goodbye today, but don't worry, if that what he chose, so be it. I'm just so tired of hearing it's my way or not way at all, so what does it matter. He said it's better that he keeps his opinions to himself anyway. I've got a feel I'm in for a long haul!

Maybe I should ask for a grievence list?

He's just having to settle and is going to try not to resent me for it.

I'd rather not go into detail on what the subject was concerning. We have another issue in SF area, that I get the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He's exhausting!

Also, I was wondering if you could provide a link or explain the whole renter/freeloader/owner.

From Harley.
Are you or your spouse a Freeloader unwilling to put any effort into caring for the other?
Is one of you a Renter who views the relationship as somewhat tentative and will provide care only as long as it's convenient?
Or are you ready to be Buyers, willing to invest the time and energy it will take to make your marriage last?

Can detactment be used in other situations and can you both explain what it is, perhaps on my thread, so I don't TJ! LOL

Emotional Detachment helps you "Learn how to make unsupportive people in your life smaller, so you can take better care of yourself."

So basically what I am doing is making my wife smaller in my life right now. The smaller she becomes the les she can hurt me right now. Almost like a soft plan B. It may help me preserve what love I have left for her.

It is what we basically discuss in the PA thread. And yes I am sure you can use it in other parts of your M.

"Thanks HL, I appreciate you taking the time to explain your support. Like you already know, I would be so lucky!"

Oh Rinderella that is what pains me so much sometimes. I really wish she would look back on our M and realize how lucky she is/was.

The good thing for me is I know for a fact she will never find someone that fills her needs as much as I do. Just her need for communication would drive most people up the wall. LOL.

I keep trying to catch up on your thread but it seems my work keeps getting in the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

HL- Thanks again! I'm having a rough afternoon! I like the renter/freeloader/buyer thing! I was buying, he)), still am! I'm inclined to think freeloader, as long as I can remember! We have a lot in common!

I'm having trouble with the PA thread! I'll read every once in awhile. I'd like to learn more about it, but am having trouble adding my two cents!

I'm sorry you feel so unappreciated by your W! I'm sure there are more feelings to go along with that!

CHaCha-I just appreciate you stopping by and letting me know that you are thinking about me! I'm sure you'll get to put your 2 cents in one day! LOL

I'm reposting this from above:



I actually thought today, I don't know it I can stay in this M! I know, I know, crazy thinking on my part!
Rin can't be thinking negative could she, YEA! YEA, and I don't know! I just don't know!

Ok I think I got most of it.

The impression I got of your H's accusing others of being jealous is that he sounds very insecure. Like he needs material things and position to show that he is someone... That he should be respected for what he has or what he has done and not for who he is.

"My way or the highway" was he accusing you of that? Again to me it sounds like insecurity or wanting control because he doesn't feel like he has any. I think sometimes people that are overbarring and controlling do so because they feel so out of control....that thier self-esteem is easily threatened.

What does he do for a living?

Rin,
read my thread please!
I just need to clear my head before going home!
Blind

CC-He's a fitter/welder and it's not just material things, it me too. They're jealous of him because he has me. Funny, I've always felt like a doll he puts on the shelf and plays with me at his convenience! Thanks, CC! I needed that!

BS06- I'm there! Hold on!

Sounds like he doesn't think he is good enough for you. Maybe its not a shelf but a pedastool he put you up on. I say its time to jump down and have some FUN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Huh, I wish, I was treated so well. Of course, you know he's never denied me anything I've wanted! His statement! He's just denied me what I need! LOL


No, it's my (Rin's) way or nothing at all, he has to do what I want because he has no choose! That's what I'm hearing! So, he just has to settle, and try not to be resentful!

Sicking!

Not anymore I am not. See that is part of the emotional detachment. It did get to me before.

The freeloader, renter, buyer thing is what has kinda messed up the recovery IMHO.

See if the FWS does not become a buyer there will be resentment. How can a BS be a buyer and not the FWS and make it work?

Now looking back I should have at some point put a renters mentatlity into it as well. This way there is no resentment for giving more then I am taking, or allowed to take.

I think plan A is great in that you want to make them a buyer but at some point you at least want to see they may be ready to rent to own.

If you can't find a way to make him a rent to own guy what is the next step?

Maybe rent wit the possibility of renting to own I guess.

So far I see my FWW as a renter and now I am moving in that direction myself. I think 3 years of trying to do my best and still being here might lead someone to believe I love them and want to spend the rest of my life with them.

HL-You have a clear line of thought on that I see. I can't think that hard right now! I'll process that another day! LOL

I just don't get it, problem around the house (including plumbing and carpentry), I fix it, I cook, I clean, I care for the kids, etc. H, well, lets see, works, eats, sleeps, watchs TV, cleans the HD...
okay...I'm going to stop now!

It's a close to teary day, and I can't do that today!

You know I reall want to tell him "If he thinks he doing me a favor by doing things my way then he can just stop because I sure as ****** don't need or want any favors!"

It just makes me angry! Just plum freaking Angry! What? What What WHat!

thanks for letting me vent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Rinderella,

I hope you have your lapbar and seatbelt on. This is a roller coaster.

I think there are many people on this site with good advice. But it needs to work for you in your M. You also need to give it time.

It is kinda like fishing. You gotta leave your line in long enough to catch something but sooner or later you have to reel it in and see if the bait is still there. If it is you might want to change the type of bait you are using.

Most importantly though you have to be consistent. Right now LA has given you some good advice try following it for a while and see what happens.

Rome was not built in a day.

IMHO you are reading to much, trying to fix it too quickly. Let it run its natural course.

You have a right to be upset. You do but what good is it doing you?

I am done being upset. I am angry as ******!!!!

You know last night I couldn't get to sleep. This is usually becuase I am thinking about all the crap this M has been through. Last night I found myself drifting off into real thoughts of a D. That was a first for me.

I was not mad, bitter, angry, sad just at peace thinking about it.

I know it sounds wierd but I feel better today because of that. It means I am ok if that is what happens.

Now if it is her way or the highway maybe the highway would be nice. I hear route 66 is nice this time of year. Plus I can hop on PCH anytime and drive through the OC.

Thanks HL, you're wonderful as usual! I found this awesome sight! I went in search of communication skills, printed all I could get my hands on, and then went nosing around. For example, I'm a caretaker, I didn't know that's a behavior you can get correct. One thing at a time...I know!
www.coping.org

i keep hearing listen and repeat...I don't think I was doing a good job...my ears must be full of wax sometimes...LOL...so I begin again!

learning to communicate! i love reading you know, then I'm going to check and make sure I'm not manipulating!

So, much focus on me! You think a head can explode? LOL

Be still! Just be still!

Hey, LA-September right? I hope you don't get frustrated with me like I do! I'm trying to hard, aren't I?

Breathe, right?