Oh, DH doesn't read here. I tell him about things I find interesting or things somebody here recommends. I would like for him to begin posting but that's what I would like.

The few times I've read posts to him, like on motorcycles or the book Pep recommended to him and he did have something to say I had to post want he wanted to say. Believe me, I am happy with that! as far as I'm concerned at least he's showing an interest.

Then, I do talk about you guys so much. I'll say "Well, HL said... or LA recommended...ChaCha mentioned..." and he'll ask who is that, so I'll have to explain about you. It promotes some good convo!

Thing is I don't thing he's PA all the time. I'm not sure! I've just noticed that he usually goes in PA mode as a defense. I'll just have to watch a little better when he's calm. DH really is a good guy, wonderful...I'm pretty certain when he's being sincere.

Oh, he even called me yesterday to let me know he was running by a friend's house. I said that was fine, thanked him for letting me know, and told him not to feel like he had to rush home to enjoy himself. I've never stopped him from doing things like that, he changed during A. Well, not really, he just didn't tell me! That's still something he'll do, not tell me something, unimportant stuff. It's no big deal unless it affects me. You know, I'm going to keep tabs on how often that affects me, just to be sure.

Rinderella,

I think everyone to a point exhibits PA behavior at times. I admit I do it sometimes.

Doesn't make some one PA. Reading about your H I would say he is does it every once in a while but if you look at yourself you probably do too.

It is when they do it in every stich that it is a true problem. IE my FWW being the victim all of the time.

It is good that you let him go. Seems like he is respecting your boundries more too.

Good job.

Did I miss something? Are you ill? That always adds a whole new layer of stress to things. I hope you feel better very soon -- the rest will be great for you. I'm jealous, I have been wanting a nap all afternoon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


-AmI

HA!! This made me laugh. H just joked the other day that I have given names to the voices in my head .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, that's too FUNNY, AmI! All we need is a straight jacket and we've got it made! Can I be Wonderwoman, please? I like her jet and outfit! Please, please, please!

I have trouble sleeping; it's gotten worse since D-day. I was feeling really bad this morning. The lack of sleep is caughting up with me, so I came home to get some rest. I was still very tired when I went back to work but by the time I got home I was good to go! I plan on sweeping and mopping since I'm by myself with the kids tonight. DH doesn't like to go out without me, but it's bike night and I really didn't feel like going! he's meeting up with some friends of our, and I'm sure he'll be home about 11 or thereafter. He's got to work tomorrow. He doesn't like to say out late when he had to work.

HL-I'm still learning about PA, and I can tell you I relate so much to SHMI's thread. The helping others before me...

Oh, well, I have to cut this short, DH called, he can't handle being out without me! LOL Me and the kids are loading up to go meet him! LOL

lol ... too late. You are already Cinderella, but your dress and your pumpkin and your shoes are all made in the shape of the letter "R". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (And LA used to be a little pixie, until we had to take her wand away...) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


On the sleep thing, I was having problems with that for a while. I asked my doc about it when I first saw her for AD's. Don't know if any of this will help you, but here's what she said.

The biggest thing, I think, that helped me the most was she had me switch to taking the AD's at bedtime instead of in the morning. She said they usually have a very slight tiredness side-effect and can also help you stay sleeping through the night. Just that switch, plus once they got built up enough in my system, made a big difference for me. I had not been a good sleeper for a couple of years, up every half hour or so some nights -- and always wide awake at the slightest sound. Now, half the time I don't even know when H makes it home because I can actually sleep through it.

My doc also gave me Ambien, which helped a lot in the very beginning. Once the AD's started really kicking in, I didn't need it as much, so I rarely take them anymore.

The other thing she told me I could try was a plain benadryl at bedtime -- it's the same ingredient that they add to Tylenol PM to make it "PM", and it's very safe. And it's ok to take with AD's.

Those rough-sleep nights make it tough to function. Hope you can find something that will work for you!

-AmI

I hate to lose a post! I had some great stuff in there.

LOL, AmI! Wow, Thanks for the Info! I'm going to move my AD's to before bed with a benadryl! I'm doing the morning thing right now!


Funny...when you wrote the letter "R," it made me think of HL asking if the R stood for recovery. That word is scary to me! Recovery! When I said it I can hear it as if I'm saying it in a time warp and it's being drug out into minutes! LOL Probably because I wanted it so bad the first time. NOw, I try not to think about recovery! All I'm doing is working on me; reading, napping (LOL, Sorry AmI LOL), lounging (not use to that), and just trying to relax. That's not easy for someone who thought/thinks you need to be doing something most of the time to be productive. I mean there always something that needs to be done, clothes, mopping, sweeping, dishes, the grass, something!

DH and I have been talking a little; like yesterday, I read a passage out of my book and DH said he needed to work on trying not to "fix" things. Just listen, not offer advice, but ask questions, etc. Then, he processes to tell me what I need to do about my sleeping thing. "If your a$$ would stay in bed..." I said "Did you just hear yourself!" I get "I'm just saying!" I wanted to hit my head on a wall!

I keep telling myself "lead by example, lead by example, lead by example, lead by example!"

Date night has turned into let's go out with friends, or meet them somewhere. We're going back to little UA, I think! Let's sweep things under the rug, but then again, it may just appear that way because we're not really doing R talk. I'm working on me, and DH is doing his own thing. My LB isn't negative and it sure doesn't have much in it but we're together! Where's the balance here? We're got a babysitter now but not having QT with each other. I'm inclined to think that he's using other people as a detraction so that he doesn't have to be at risk of being alone with me. He's admitted to using other people in the past as a distraction. It's my belief that's he's uncomfortable being on a date with just me; like he would prefer to have other people around.

Tomorrow we're riding the HD with friends up to Baton Rouge to go to the Flea Market. I'm getting ragged a pretty good bit about not driving my own bike by now but DH hasn't had/made the time to bring me back to practice. He won't let me out of the driveway because the road in front of our house so busy. LOL I dream about driving that bike by myself! LOL

Well, I guess I need to wake up and start doing some work! Being Friday I'm not inclined to do much! LOL TGIF

Well, I checked cell phone calls, NC. Don't know about TMs, I won't know that until I get the bill but it's looking hopeful! Almost a month of NC!

That's exciting! 24 days!

Should I just let things keep going like they are right now, working on me, no R talk, just standing still? I can say there's no tension between us right now, but I still see him not opening up to me. I guess that comes with time, and I can't push the issue.

HAHA! I caught myself last night, but it was to late it was out of my mouth and friends were around!
I was getting ragged on about no riding and I asked DH earlier that day if he could bring my bike to our friend's house. The neighborhood is perfect for learning how to ride! Well, DH said if he had the time after cleaning his bike, needless to say it didn't happen! Well, I said to him after he said something "well, you were suppose to bring my bike to _______ today but you didn't!" DH went on to say he didn't have the time before it was time to leave for bike night!

Oh, I felt so bad but I couldn't do anything about it. A friend started talking to me and someone started talking to him and I couldn't take it back! I don't even know if it affected him but it affected me! LOL

I called a DJ on him yesterday too while he was cleaning his bike! He asked what that was! SO I explained, he was putting himself down! LOL When I was young I would hit people in the arm for putting themselves down, not I'm calling a DJ! Too Funny!
LA-That's funny to me because you said I would start catching myself more!

Just checking in on you and seeing how things are going then I read this and said OH REALY.

You took a withdrawl from the LB with that one. So now what can you do about it? Make a deposit.

That deposit could be as simple as I am sorry. I realized I asked you to do it and that is different then you were supposed to do it.

But heck you probably already know that.

Sounds like things are going great keep up the good work.

I handled it at lunch! I couldn't let it go!I admitted I was wrong and then, I told him how much I appreciated him for lining up a babysitter for tomorrow. He's never done that, and I already had one! I felt bad again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> DH forgot I told him that my cousin was watching the kids tonight and tomorrow. SHe likes the money! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He said he was trying, I said I greatly appreciated it because in the past it's been my done. If things fell threw or I couldn't get one then I felt like it was my fault we couldn't do whatever. It was a lot of stress on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I got to the point where I hated trying to get one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Do we have a healingbird instead of a brokenbird? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

well, Dh said last night that he doesn't speak up because he's trying to avoid conflict. You can imagine how that influenced me. So, it's easier to keep his mouth shut!

Morning, Rin...

Did he say "It's easier to keep my mouth shut"?

I ask, because CA is based in fear. Maybe seems safer to keep his mouth shut...not easier.

And I believe the friends on UA nights are distraction, too...buffers...from fear. Doesn't make YOU the reason he fears...he just fears.

Time, Rin...time, time, time...to know he's safe with you...to experience safety with you...time, time...

Now, a question about your bike...can you get it to other neighborhood? Hmmm...I believe in you...you can do anything.

LA

DH brought me to a local HS and I rode all over the place. I'm having trouble with 1st and starting/stopping but I'm doing great. DH says he doesn't think I'll be long before I'm riding! He told a friend to give me a week! LOL

Funny you ask that DH has to ride it to a friend house tomorrow where we plan to leave it so I can go over there and practice. YIPPY! HURRAY! GGGOOGOOGOOO RIN!

I'm excited!

Bad news is I think I have pink eye. It's been going around down here! YS, 3 cousins, DH's co-worker...now me?

DH made a comment today when we laid down to take a nap. I sat up, looking for the blanket and sheet he was laying on. Well, Dh started moving and asked "what I was looking for?" I said "I got what I wanted." His reply was something to the fact that I always get what I want. I told him that comments like that bother me especially since he has no intention of explaining what he means. Old conversation...no sense in him saying anything...

Same ole sh*t! At least I spoke up and said it bothers me! I probably could have phased it better? After the past 24 hours, I really really want to withdraw so bad but I'm not, I'm deciding to detach, really try to detach.

I just got the negative spill about "great, you got pink eye, I'm next...."

Whatever, I'm in the red in my LB, I get withdrawal, withdrawal, withdrawal. I find my spirit is low and I almost feel broken. I think he's got to be trying to break me with the comments about me talking about my books and this website. This isn't the first time, remember he told me I could throw away all my books, and then he took the computer and wouldn't give me my books.

I figure with detachment he'll get what he wants and I get to keep my focus, working on me! I'm up for suggestions. There been no R talk and I don't feel any intimacy right now. Thing about it is, it doesn't take much from him!

Well, I told him that he can go ride the HD tomorrow by himself. We don't have a sitter tomorrow, thank God! I really could use some time away from him. I've been feeling smothered here lately. I'm not interested in spending lunch with him, but I've been pushing that aside. I did ask for a day to myself; I said I needed some QT to myself. DH wasn't happy but I got it! It's almost as if I'm tired of standing up for myself. I know I'm drained!

DH asked me earlier today what was wrong. I said I really don't feel like being around people right now, as a MOF, I could lock myself in a room for a week and be happy. He asked why? I said I don't know, could be the switch in times with the meds, or just my life.

Talk about not doing well today! It wasn't bad but not good either. I think I'm standing still, but maybe I need to check again!

Rin,

Back to asking you about your intent...if you choose to make your intent pure...only to clarify...hopper on your head (yeah, even when you lay down for a nap...and I consider napping together RC time for me!), then his words won't come in as that fact...something to refute...your response was better than a DJ...by far...no slam here, but clarifying what he is saying is better communication.

"I heard you say you see me as always getting what I want."

And allow the space for him to hear what he said, confirm or clarify. Trains your own brain to not take in and react...if he confirms, then you say what you said "Your perception bothers me. I fear it. You see my way or your way, and I see us in this together--well, I have feared us not seeing the same thing. I feel safer when we agree."

He can see life one way...you can see it another...and still be in this together...your choice. Your bother and fear. That hopper is amazing at showing me how much I throw my own stuff elsewhere...offered for your perusal.

The clarifying thing...does wonders...he may say, "Actually, I was admiring you!" "I was already falling asleep and don't know what I said." Whatever...clarity is like an extra step inserted and slows down reactivity.

Find the roots of your feeling of being smothered...pressure points, old stuff (FOO) and present...martial history...this is important, Rin.

This is linked to your urge to withdraw (great job on knowing it and not doing it!!)

Ahhh, pink eye. Thank goodness it will still compliment your superheroine ensemble.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll share a story with you...I went to an elementary school that was K-8...and when I was in 8th grade, I got to be president of the school...and do all sorts of really cool stuff...when graduation came, I had to write a speech, and hand out trophies for Best Boy and Best Girl. Well, a week before, I got pink eye.

I ignored it (too much to do) and hid it from my mom...each morning battling the crusted over eyes with a damp wash cloth, telling myself it wasn't anything. Until the school sent me home. Three days before graduation, I was at the doctor's, feeling defeated, believing I was going to miss my graduation, my biggest day of my life...and all the crying from fear and sorrowing what hadn't come to pass aggravated (and spread, I'm sure) that nasty bacteria around.

I did a very LA thing when we came home and I was put to bed with a verbal lashing...I got out notebook paper and began to write my speech. Yep, I hadn't even started. I felt the pressure relieved from too much to do and failing; embarrassing myself all over the place and letting people down. And I wrote and wrote, slept and wrote...and begged God to not miss graduation evening.

I made it, btw...still with the pink hovering around the edges of my eye...and I remember my mother brought me sunglasses to wear (the ceremony was outside in the late afternoon), and I felt more relief and a little like a movie star; instead of deformed, tainted.

If you do have pink eye (and many times in the years since, I've gotten that feeling, when it wasn't...when the boys had it), I've remembered that time.

There's no parable for you...just a story I wanted to share with you. Because you share yours, and your effort matters to me.

LA

I know that what I'm doing wrond is not listening and repeating, not getting the clarity I need and he deserves. I do believe he deserves it, I want to understand him, to pave the road for better communication. I feel good about the way I expressive my own, but greatly feel that I'm doing a terrible job on the opposite end.

I did feel like I was acting at the time but now perhaps it was reactive. This is a major area that I nee improvement in perhaps I need to stop read the book I am presently reading and start on: The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir. DH is not willing to do communication exercises or anything else for that matter.

DH is bothered when I call attention to the PA behavior, says that I'm labeling. I read your post between you and AD on your thoughts. I needed that, it was helpful. Thank you! I have a lot to consider, to learn.

Well, Pinkeye! I woke up this morning crushy eye and all, liking like I got punched in the eye. Good thing I've got some medicine for this. I called my boss earlier and she said to call her early in the morning to let her know how it's doing. I think I'm going to take two more benadryl and head back to bed. LOL I haven't even got out of my pajamas today. It's been awhile since I've done this! LOL Feels pretty good, the boys are cleaning their room, and DH is at a friend's picking up his bike and maybe riding some today. LOL Well, I'm going to take this opportunity to get some more rest.

Rin,

You're not doing it wrong...that's not what I'm saying. Notice how far your absolutes go...all the way to wrong and terrible...because extremes are another sign we're more in our child than in our adult.

You're doing.

That's a fact.

Period.

Making your intent pure, to really hear for you, is the best goal. You don't want to stab yourself (with his words) when his words weren't even pointed at you, do you?

That's the first step...knowing if they were or not...so that the next step is knowing they are still his words...

Anything else for that matter? Ahhh, Rin...pink-eyed Rin...he moved your bike, took you to the HS to ride, he's with you, present...even trusts you enough to nap with you and not kill him in his sleep...another sign your child hurts, wants resolution now...not bad...just is.

Thank you so much for reading AD's posts and mine...I know every post has purpose here...I really believe that...and you verified that for me...because that was difficult for me to do...he's a brave, smart, loving man...betrayed so deeply...I am still learning how to state what I believe...a differing POV, and not back down because of what others may or may not feel. My biggest DJ still at work...and me, working against it...fearing, and doing it anyway.

The pj's and the back to bed is you mothering you...being our own mothers in a light way...I believe is helpful to guiding us to mother our inner child...self-care...not indulgence...there's a difference (one that was very difficult for me to discern).

I would hug you but you're icky.

LOL

LA

Rin,

This is a temporary thread jack (I know LA follows your sitch)- sorry.

LA,

Could you check out my thread? I could use your ability to cut to the chase. Thanks.

End of thread jack.

Sorry about the pinkeye Rin. There's nothing worse than an itchy, crusty eye!

Bump for lizzie!

Well, looks like I'm home another day, mothering me, except today I have to clean those boy's room. Disaster Area is an understatement! It's time for mom to get rid of some stuff since I'm home and their not around to say anything about it. They were suppose to clean it two days in a row and didn't; consequencently, mom cleans it now! Can I borrow the magic wand? Some pixie dust or something for that task? LOL

I'm so sleepy, going to head back to bed in a minute.

Black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes that's how I see things...no gray areas.

Well, I'll have to write more later, I couldn't finish my thought. LOL My eyes closed and I was at the ball! LOL

Have a wonderful day!

Rest up fully before the clean out...great boundary enforcement, btw...for kids.

Shutting those pink eyes is a good choice, I believe.

LOL

No wands for Domestic Support...lots of love deposits in your bank, though, as you do it as acts of love...maybe grumbling love...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA