Rin,

Good for you. Sometimes the worrying about what is going to happen is worse then the reality.

My OS is famous for this. He always makes a big deal about going over to my Mom's and how it is always no fun. Then he gets there and has a great time. But it always happens. LOL.

The problem with dreading something is that it is easy to prove you were right. If you are saying it will stink then you can easily ignore all of the good things that will disprove your point but focus on the ones that prove it stinks.

By having the positive attitude and minimizing the negatives you will have a good time.

It sounds like that is what you did.

As far as the pink eye that sucks.

I always look at things in the situation. I might not like the way someone is acting but can I UNDERSTAND IT.

Is it understandable that your H doesn't want to be around you. The answer is yes.

What you have is highly contagous(sp). It might make you feel better that he is around you but what happens if he gets it?

I believe you are on the right course. I am glad you had a good weekend.

Hi, everyone...no pink eye there...it's called a chalazion...infection of the oil duct that has erupted...Dr. said I got lucky the other eye healed with just the drops...Dr.'s got me on some serious antiboditic...I got so sick on the first dose but I didn't eat and it said to take with water...so I did...I'm going to watch that when I take it again tonight...

Dr. also changed my AD...new ones called limbitrol...should help me sleep...it's got two meds in it...I start it tonight...

Well, my boss doesn't want me in tomorrow...I should be loving all of this rest! Oh, I'm not contagious! YEEEEHA BABBBBY! DH drove me everywhere today! He'll return to work tomorrow! Another the violent raction to the antibodotic, I went lay down and he wasn't to far behind me. He's still napping!

Well, I just wanted to let you all know what was going on! I hope you all have a great day!

HL- Thanks, you always come through with some great words. I might nickname you and LA as my Delhi Lama! LOL

Well, DH and I got into it over HN last night. I feel empty about my M, wondering how much longer I can do this, how much longer I can work on myself!

I'm just here...Dh came home for lunch...I stay in bed and slept...I didn't want to deal with him...I don't know if I want to talk to him...I'm not angry...I was...but I just don't know...

Rin,

Don't know if this post is going to work. Tried yesterday and finally gave up. LOL.

Why, Why, Why would you get into it about the neighbor.

Why even talk about that person. Why have time in your life for someone that is not a friend to your M?

In this process I have found people that are a friend to my M and people that are not.

My FWW's entire family has not been a friend to our M.

I have no time for them. I have no feelings for them one way or another. Nothing they do can effect me as a person. I will not fight with my FWW about her family. This just validates the importance of someone that is unimportant to me.

They chose their actions. Their actions have made me chose what is best for me and my M and that is not to give them another thought.

People can only have the effect on you that you let them have.

I don't know, HL- I just don't know anymore...bacisally the conversation was DH saying there was an easy "FIX" to the problem with her...me apologizing for blaming her...I'm not apologizing for something I feel that I didn't do...DH is going to continue to be friends with them...

I was horrible in the conversation...I said that I didn't blame DH for what happened between HN and I, but I asked him to take responsible for his part...my old feeling came back...I admitted it to him too. I was angry, jealous... I said that I felt that he put her before me...she would call and he would drop... whatever...it doesn't matter...I was in the past...

I forgot to live in the day...I know I DJed, cant'd change that...I'm tired of her coming between us...I'm not apologizing for what something I didn't do...I'm leaving it alone...

I'm tired, and I know your right! DH and his thinking on the subject is what's bothering me...I know he can think whatever he wants...still bothers me...

I'm hurt...it's like he's putting her before me again... my perception I know...I'm tired of being hurt by him...I'm tired of feeling last...I'm so hurt...

No it is not a perception. It doesn't matter who the person is.

My FWW would put our neighbor before us.

I hated it. The lady took advantage of the sitch with my FWW.

The reason I hated it was two fold. One she never allocated that type of time in her day for me. Two the time she spent doing things for her directly effected the time she had for us.

It got in the way of our M. I didn't mind that she did it so much it was the expectation of the neighbor that she do it for her.

I even went over to her and asked if instead of sending my FWW out 3 days a week for stuff if she could just start a list.

I sat down and did a medication calendar so my FWW only had to go to the drug store once a week. That didn't last very long.

Any person that gets in the way of what your H can do for you is taking away from your M.

It is that simple. Did my FWW put the neighbor before me? Absolutely. What she did for her directly effected me. IF I am not ok with that then I have a right to say so. If she doesn't agree she has a right to disagree. I just state my feelings and why I have those.

Ok honey today you went grocery shopping and to the drug store for her. I come home and OS homework is not done. I am now cooking dinner everything is behind. Who is more important? Today it LOOKS like the neighbor.

She told me I was jealous. I said no I am upset that it is 9pm and you are exhausted from running around for her.

Simple question. What is more important to your H. His friendship with them or your M.

If it is you and your M then tell him you will NEVER be happy with the time he spends over there.

If he can meet all of his responsibilities at home and then help maybe. But that time should come out of his riding time not your together time.

I am sorry you are down today.

Thank you HL, I'm so grateful that you understand. He's not doing things for them now. He says that he going to remain friends with them and it's only going to affect us if I complain about him visiting with them from time to time. The problem is between her and I not between HIm and her H. That we're going to have to work things out between the two of us. I asked him that he take responsible for his part in where her and I got too before the day that she came over. He said great I'm going to be blamed for that too.

He's not willing to own up to anything on his part.

I will try that out...Thank you for the empathy...I feel very alone with no one to talk to outside of MB.

DH left on his bike last night, I walked to the N's and asked if we could resolve the issue...I was so upset...She said no and go get out of her house...her H and the GNs were outside...I said after being asked by her H if she was in there that I was tired of her coming between us and I'm suppose to apologize for something I didn't do. I walked back across the street, loaded the kids into the car, and drove, and drove, and drove until I hit a deadend. It was a good hour drive, when we got home, I crawled into the bed with YS after taking my new AD. My mom called and woke me up, still no DH. He pulled up while I was on the phone with my mom. He asked who I was on the phone with, I told him. I didn't mention where I went, not like he knew I hhad left, and I didn't ask where we went.

I tried to go back to sleep after he got home but couldn't. I did a warm compress on my face and went to bed. I swapped beds four times in the night, waking up this morning in YS. What better way to feel the closeness that you need...

We don't have date night anymore...and from our conversation yesterday I feel like I'm being evaluated on whether or not I can overcome HN and I's "problem." How am I should to be a person that any man would want to be woth if this is a hinging issue?

I told him I don't want things to be like they were before with her and I. I said I was fine with the way they are no. I let alot of old feeling come up, stated that they were old, and he says "Now, the truth comes out!" Not like I haven't stated those feeling before.

Screw it...I can't change the past...and I've decided today that I can't live with this M the way it is for another year...give or take a month! That's what I'm willing to give right not!

Rin -


Steady as you go. In other words, you know your course - keep steering to it. Adjust as/when/if necessary, but don't let the weather force you to deviate.

You're in rough seas right now. Best thing for you is to put your bow into the wind, and take the waves bow-on. If you allow the turmoil to change your heading, you're liable to get hit broadside and swamped.

I know how you feel. I've been there. So has HL, so has LA, so has everybody who's been through this.

I think you're a lot like me - you want everything fixed, right now. You're doing your best to make massive changes to how you operate, and you're frustrted because your H isn't keeping up in making his own changes.

I've said it before and I'll say it again ('cause I have to repeat it to myself quite frequently). There are three paths to recovery here - yours, your husband's and your marriage. They are each distinct, they each have their own challenges, and they each have their own timeline.

The only thing you can control is yourself, and your part in the marriage. Ultimately, only you can decide for yourself how much is enough - but I'd advise you to sit down and make a list of all the positive things your H has done, as well as the positive things you have done, and see how it compares to where you were 2 months or 2 years ago.

I've seen it said frequently here - busting up an affair is hard - but recovery is even harder.

The work in obtaining something is usually proportional to the value of the something. You value yourself, your husband, your marriage and your family - rather highly. That means the amount of work is quite high as well. Continue to lead the way, and be a lighthouse to your H. He may or may not come around (my bet is he will), but you'll, at the very least, be in an infinately better place for yourself, regardless.

Keep plugging away - it's often hard to see the progress you've made when your head is down while you're fully engaged in the job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well said bird,

My FWW and I have together friends and separate friends. Some of her friends quite frankly I don't care for much. Such as the neighbor.

Can you live with him being their friend and you not? I know it sucks but...

The other thing is you are still attempting to interact with them to make things comfortable.

Stop. Stop interacting with them. If your H wants to be buddy, buddy with them fine.

You have attempted to work it out. She refuses. Case closed.

thank you for all your support. I can handle him being friends with them and not I. He)), not that different from the past really. He spend time over there, I often didn't. It seems like he can't be happy with that, from what I'm hearing. I'm hearing I'm not being flexible enough. His...I know...Not mine. I'm going back to not interacting with them. Thanks, HL, I know I'm not wrong for that and I was reactive to his thoughts again. It's not a subject I'm going to entertain any longer.

HB, you're right, I've had my head down, a brief look up and what happens? I get off center...it does make it difficult for me that they live across the road. I'm going back to read my books...

I'm distance with DH...been like that for a little while...I don't know...yesterday I felt love for him...today, I feel like writing him off...

I'm going to re-read both of your posts later...I tear up reading them...I have to get a hold of my emotions before I can start thinking clearly again...I've got a lot going on right now...and I need to get control of me...re-center...I'm not bouncing back as fast as I did...

Start dragging him along to every chick flick in the world. Sooner or later he will tell you to go yourself. LOL

Just like you want him to do. Go by himself.

It is fine that you have different interests and friends. It is not ok for one of you to impose your will on the other.

I like to golf my FWW doesn't. We tried once she didn't enjoy it. It is not fair to her for me to expect for her to do that for me. I tried going to the driving range with her still didn't work. So now I don't ask or expect her to do something just because I want her to.

If he truly likes going over there it shouldn't be dependent on you going.

HL-I agree, I think that he should be able to go without me. Not just there but anywhere. I think I might need to find something that I like that he doesn't really like to do, not to prove a point, but to use as an example. DOn't expect me to do this and I won't expect you to do this. I understand you don't like it, well, that's not on the top of my list either...kind of thing.

I was doing well responsing his need/want to be friends with them...I just don't see it be healthy for us...but if that's what he choose...so be it!

I might start making a me day, where I go to the movies by myself. He's got Thurs night, bike night, now that OS is back in school. I might take Tues. when I'm feeling better!

HB-
Boy, that seems like a very difficult task! But, I'll give it a try!


I don't see any changes and I thought I was standing still until last night. I thought that I had done so much for me...I felt like I had stopped to allow him to caught up.

I just explained to DH that I felt like I couldn't work on the M right now, because that took two people, I can't change him, so the only thing I can do it work on me and that's why I was reading so much. To change the things in me that I felt needed to be changed.

We seems to be having a really difficult time of spending more that a few hours together at a time. Even the weekends are spent around other people, no QT time. I feel like I'm just there with him. His changing the rules and we're going back to being around other people. What I think on that subject is a DJ, and I know DH is tired of being asked questions. He's killing me! Slowly!

Well, I'm in a better place then I was this morning! I'm not emotional like I was. I'm making a conscious effect to be friendly with DH tonight. I called him earlier...I think he's still at work...said he would explain when he got home. That's cool...I have supper in the oven...

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here...I don't feel like I'm doing a good plan A anymore...barely putting my best foot forward where DH is concerned. I think this Chalazion on my eyes have put a stop to a lot of things. My face is still swollen alot on the right side but I'm headed to work tomorrow.

I'm doing the best I can right now!

I was thinking earlier tonight that I tested the water and the water's to hot right now with DH...I think another month is needed...

I wanted to talk to him about some of the feeling that I'm having right now...but chose not too. I'm wondering if I'm deteched or withdrawn...wonding what the differenc is...if I'm withdrawn then it's different from the past in the fact that I'm not withdrawn from him with high emotions...

OS and I are not doing well with the homework department...he's trying to do his homework before I pick him up and he's having to re-do alot of the work because it's messy, words are misspelled, or it's wrong...he's got a very negative attitude...he just wants the homework done...not done right...Oh, I found myself yelling again...same pattern as last year...

He wants to play with his toys...I offered him to wait and do his homework when we're both together that way it's done correctly the first time...I gave him some choices...I'm dealing with his anger, whinnning, and all around I don't want too attitude...

This was the only thing DH and I spoke about tonight other then the reason he was late...I said I wanted to try a few things with OS...DH said that he couldn't do anymore that back me up because of the time he gets off work...and to tell OS that he doesn't want to deal with dad...

So, I'm suppose to threaten the boy into doing his homework so he can fear his dad...wow what a plan on DH's part...

I'm going to try 30 minutes of work with OS, 15 minutes of play...He wants to play...I'm also trying to reinforce what OS has done good and not bad with his homework...I don't want to lose him to the this attitude...I'm not sure what to do here...any suggestions will help...I'm trying to be more respectful with him...I'm not sure what to do but I know that yelling will not do it and I get so mad when he starts that crying, whining, angry thing because he hasn't done what he needs to do...

I'm sure that DH has been waiting on me to start SF too...if I look at past behavior...him laying on his back is to tell me that he wants it...well...I don't feel like starting it...I'm tired of doing it just because and I'm not anymore... just because he's in the mood...I want to enjoy it too not be some host for him...I figure if he wants it bad enough he'll start it...not like he doesn't know what I need...I've said it a million times. He gets tired of waiting and rolls over to go to sleep...

I guess my question has to do with the withdrawal or detachment...Maybe you guys can ask a few question and I'll see what I'm doing...I'm worried that I'm being close-minded, wanting what I want when I want it kind of thing...

I feel like if I ask him a few questions then that R talk and after yesterday's conversation, I don't want to talk R...yesterday's talk had to do with HOW is HN going to affect DH and I's relationship...I would say alot. So, I have a good idea to wait another month...I mean really wait...no questions on anything involving DH and I...

Am I being controlling, close-minded...What...I'm not seeing it and if it's me then I can deal with that...

Hey, Rin.

I'm sorry H stuff is frustrating for you right now. I really don't have any suggestions there, just a shoulder.

On the kiddo issue ... we have been through that with DS. He doesn't want to put any effort into anything, just get it over with. One of his teachers helped us come up with something that fianlly worked. We started tying his priviledges to the quality and completeness of his homework, and then once he got older and started getting actual letter grades, we tied them to his GPA.

Priviledges in our house included everything -- amount of TV time, bedtime, whether he can play with friends or not, sleepovers ... everything. We wrote it all out on a chart, so he can see it himself. When he was young, the priviledge settings were just for that day. He could do his homework on his own, or with help, but if there were any corrections that had to be made, then the number of them determined the level of priviledges he was at. Forgetting homework or not doing it knocked him down a level. So did tantrums and whining, etc.

It did not take him long to figure out the system, and the most amazing thing was that pretty soon, there were no arguments over any of it. He'd forget his homework, and would tell us that his bedtime was earlier that night, and that he could only watch 30 minutes of TV (or whatever the level was). It really cut down on the yelling and the fighting with him problems.

A big key was making really great performance earn really great rewards ... Extra desert, late bedtime (this was a big one for him), extra TV or Video Game time .... he could really have a pretty great night.

We still have occasional problems, but the fighting over it is over, which is nice.

Hope that helps .... I remember being at that point of total frustration with schoolwork things!

-AmI

WOW, I would love to be able to see that chart! I tlak to OS this morning saying that I saw a pattern in his behavior..he asked what the pattern was...so I explained and told him that he's the only one that can change the pattern...I gave him a few ideas about how he can change the pattern...I said that he was going to have to take responsible for the change...that I would help in any way but he had to do the work first...

I guess we will see this afternoon how things go! I did tell him that I was not going to go back to yelling and repeat my behavior from last year...

As for DH, he called this morning to make sure we were awake...I answered the phone saying "We're up!" DH said he needed gas in his truck...I said do something about it...he said he was really asking what I wasn't him to put it on...it didn't matter...He called me sweetie somewhere at the end of the conversation...I was grouggie from the meds and a little aburpt with him. LOL

I had to think about what I said after I got off the phone. I would have never say before "Do something about it!"

What surprised me more then myself was him being sweet and calling me sweetie.

Where is my wonderful LA? I've been out of the loop for a little while. Are you Okay, LA? How are things going with you?

HAHa, I had to laugh! I don't know what DH was thinking, but my boss asked me to call DH about some extra work on the side.

Next thing I know DH is called my cell asking where I was...I said work...he said okay, why are you there?

I said today was Wed. and I was suppose to return today.

Sounds a little protective on me and this eye huh? I'll take that! It's the first thing he asks when he comes home, "Okay, let me see it!" LOL

I think it's funny he forgot or didn't know I was going to work today!