Welcome back, Kim!

Good Point Mel! Geez. I have not talked to OWH since May. So, somebody is not telling the truth about MY contact with OWH.

Hi ChaCha, Luna and Faithful! Thanks for checking in on me.

It's football game day! DS & I get all geared up for the game and watch it together on TV(he watches most of it....but not all)

I've done a few things in the yard to spruce up for DS's birthday(was inspired by Jean). It is true, doing things like that is VERY good for your mental health.

WH is picking up DS today instead of tomorrow. Wants to take him to the Zoo for some special night time event. WH has given DS a few things already(WH actually asked me in a VM if I wanted to go in with him on a bigger present for DS)

I am feeling stronger every day. It hurts to see DS longing for his daddy....but other than that I still have enough love in my heart for WH and I still desire to work with him if he ever comes around in recovering and making our M better. I think back to the way things were before the A. No, I was not a happy woman with our M. We didn't spend enough time together, he was not meeting many of my needs. This began happening way before the A. So in turn, I didn't meet his needs. Not on purpose, but I now see where our M was in need of shaping up. He turned to having an A.

With all of that said, there is no way that I want to go back to the M that was there before the A. I want a better M. I remember the way it was when it was wonderful. We adored each other.

O.k., that's my catharsis for the day.

Love you all!!

Kim

But, the problem is that your H acts like there is something WRONG with your contacting him and uses it as ammunition against you. There is nothing wrong with you contacting the OWH. You have every right and reason to talk to OWH whenever you choose. The problem is his apparent continued contact with the OW.

It sounds like his notes to you are keeping you enmeshed in his crap. Is he still sending up hateful and manipulative notes?

He is so trying to make me feel like it was wrong for me to call OWH. One of his last notes said "I will pledge to you to stop contact with OW if you can make a pledge to me to sop communicating with OWH. I have not once heard you say you will do that. Can you do that?"

The abusive notes have stopped. But he wants to control our "reconciliaton". Baloney.

Yesterday WH was supposed to pick DS up at a certain time to take him to the Zoo. He calls 1/2 an hour before to say he wouldn't be ther at the certain time, that he might be there 30 minutes to an hour late. That "it didn't matter because the event didn't start until later anyway." I could tell he had been drinking by his slurred words(most likely had been watching his football game). I tm him and told him that "if he'd been drinking not to come and that DS was expecting him at x time."

I didn't get a reply back. The Zoo is about a 40 minute drive and I didn't like the idea of WH driving after drinking. So the time came and went. At the 30 minute late period I told DS that we needed to go that I had some plans. He wanted to call his Dad so I dialed the number and he got VM. DS left a message and we left the house. DS really wanted to go to the Zoo so we called WH at an hour past the time for him to pick up. VM again. I ended up taking DS to the Zoo.

At 6:15 WH finally calls my cell. This is almost two hours after he was supposed to get DS. He called twice, but didn't leave a message.

I felt so bad for DS. He couldn't understand why his Daddy couldn't take him.

I will probably have to deal with DS calling today wanting to see DS since he missed yesterday. I'll have to decide what I want to do. I had plans to get a lot of DS's birthday stuff yesterday while he was gone.....I could really use the free time.

I just love a WH.

Kim

You realize all this contact is blowing Plan B, right? He gets his fix from you whenever he chooses and keeps you completely enmeshed in his manipulations.

What was your response to her note for you to "pledge" to stop contacting the OWH? You realize he admitted in that note he is still in contact?

Kim, this is nothing resembling Plan B. Basically he is back in control of your lives, exactly what he wanted. What plan are you in now?

Tell him you do NOT make pledges or deals with a WS. Only to your H.

Do NOT try to reason with him as a WS, ok?

The insane need to control you in even a little way is what he wants to do. Don't give him that power.

take care,
L.

Just saying hello. I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride. Breaking Plan B. Not following any kind of plan.

I heard from OWH last Saturday. He called to say he had stumbled across some letters from my WH to OW. They were under her bed(she still sleeps in the guest room). He said that they were quite intimate, about WH being "inside" OW. There were also plans for WH & OW to run off together, taking all of the children with them. OWH was not sure how old the notes were. He said that OW had written him a letter not too long ago saying that WH and she were "just friends" etc. He said that he now knows it was all a lie.

I had broken Plan B last Tuesday night before OWH's call to me and talked to WH. He said some things to me that were of course a lie. I am not in the mood to play mind games and that is exactly what he was doing.

Before I had no proof that OW and WH had slept together. I guess I had hoped all this time that they hadn't. I am so naive. I just hadn't let my mind think about it at all. Now that is all I can think about.

So, I am off the MB plan. I don't plan on talking to WH again or sending him any notes. Not because of a Plan B, but because I finally get it. I have cried more in the last week than I have in a while. After the New Year I am going to find a real estate agent, put the house up for sell and move. I don't know if I can ever look at WH in the same way again. It will take him begging me on his hands and knees, crying and telling me he is sorry. And I don't seen that happening. I will wait to conact a lawyer until after the New Year, DS is finally doing better in school and I don't want to move in the middle of the school year.

So that is my update. I need to mourn through the loss of my M and just move on with my life.

I told OWH that statistics were still in our favor, to hold on for a while longer. That I wans't going to do anything until April. He isn't helping things by letting OW stay in the home and continue an affair. He is afraid that she will take the kids. He said he spoke with lawyers who told him that she would most likely get the kids if they Divorced. He said that he would be more miserable with the kids gone which is why he allows her to stay.

On a somewhat positive note, I signed DS up for guitar lessons. He does his first tomorrow night - Next it will be something for me.

Thanks guys for all of your support and help with the Plans. I wish only that I could have been one of the success stories.

Life goes on -

Kim

Dearest Kim,

I am so sorry to hear about your recent news. I know how it feels and it cuts like a knife. Just from knowing you on this board, I can safely say you are a beautiful human being who deserves the best that life has to give. I am so sorry your husband has let you down. Please remember that it is not because of anything you did or didn't do. Continue to love yourself as you deserve to be loved.

Take it from me, it takes a loooong time to heal from this - but you WILL heal and be happy and whole again.

Take care of yourself and your son. My heart breaks for your little boy.

S.

P.S. Next time you see your STBXH, kick 'em in the chops - just because. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

P.S.S. Can you get a copy of those letters? They might be very handy in court.

Gee Kim, I am sorry things are not better for you but you sure sound good. Any way you could get OWH here and posting ot MM and other men that have won custody of their children away from their WW's? {{Kim}}

Kim, I am sorry you are so distraught, but I would like you to think about this for a minute. You have known for quite some time that your H was having an affair. That is why you are in Plan B. These letters only confirm what you already knew. Nothing has changed. You knew your H was lying about this all this time. This is why he wouldn't send the nc letter or do anything to meet your conditions to come home.

Nothing has changed here, Kim. Nothing. But what I am concerned about is your continued contact with your WH all this time. The purpose of Plan B is to remove you from his sick little triangle so that oyu are not so jaded when the affair ends that you can't recover the marriage. I think the continued contact with him all this time has prevented this from happening. He has beaten you down so badly with years of lies and games about his affair that you probably can't recover. Being exposed to the affair all this time causes huge emotional problems, especially with women.

So, I hope that no matter what you do, that you at least DO finally go completely dark so you can escape this constant drip of torture. And I fear that the OWH's chances are pretty dismal since he refuses to do anything about the affair. That most likely spells the death of his marriage, unfortunately.

Shattered, Faithful & Melody-

Hi and thanks for checking in and the support. Shattered I hope you are doing o.k. I'll have to find your thread. I know it will take a long time for me to get over this. It will happen though......eventually. I do plan on doing that.

I will suggest to OWH he come here (again....). His fear of losing his children keeps him immobile. His knowing about the A and not doing anything about it does not make him look good if they go to court.......I wish he would boot his cheating wife out of his home. WH and OW deserve to live together. Two peas in a pod. See how their fantasy life pans out. Of course with no kids and responsiblities it will be a piece of cake for them.

It has been hope that keeps me letting WH trickle me with toture. Welp, the light has gone out. Maybe way down there is a bit of hope....I don't know.

Mel, you know you have been an angel for me.

Kim

Kim,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I just read your sitch, and am very sorry you had to learn about the letters. I found my WH's secret 'love letters' too, several times (to different girls and they were never actually sent to them since they were all WH's one-way EA) and they completely broke my heart.

Your anger is very understandable, but as Mel mentioned, nothing actually changed. It's just your state of mind has changed. Your WH has been lying all this time. I know, you wish you did not have to 'confirm' his lies, but soon or later you would find that out. I found out a lot of my WH's lies too later on. I got really upset and hurt, just like you, but in the end, it only confirmed what I had always suspected.

Although, often 'anger' does help you move forward. You will move forward and maybe your WH realizes that you might be 'gone'. Don't know, but for me, when I have a little bit of 'anger', it seems to help me NOT think about our 'good memories' and get depressed.

Take care of yourself,
Milk

P.S. I want DS4 to learn to play some musical instrument too. I teach him piano sometimes, but I think he will learn faster if he actually sees a 'real' teacher instead of his mom... Let me know how your son enjoys his classes!

Kim,
I am also sorry that you learned of the letters. But there is an upside to it. It has strengthened your resolve and there is less chance for false recovery. You will not fall for WH's excuses or half-assed efforts. So if your marriage recovers, you will have a 100% dedicated FWH because you won't stand for anything less.

Hi Milk and Jean - Thanks for your posts. I just don't understand why my WH doesn't just file for a D. It would certainly free him up even more. And Milk, you are right - it is only my state of mind that has changed. The lies have been there all along. DS did enjoy his guitar lesson, I think it is better for younger children to have someone other than the parent teach. I signed him up for more classes since he said he really liked it. I think the problem will be getting him to practice inbetween.

Shattered - I do not know if I could stand to get my hands on those letters........maybe after time passes. I have other evidence if needed.

Jean - I am very resolved. I know I have said this before, and I have accepted crumbs from him before, but I am very fed up. My mind is playing movies of what it will be like 6 months from now - where I will be living, that it will be nice to be near my family and have their help. That DS will be growing up with his cousin and hopefully grow close enough to think of him as a brother.

I did e-mail OWH today. I told him I was concerned that his wife was not suffering any of the consequences of her actions. That she was getting her needs met by 2 men. I encouarged him to come here and make an appointment with Dr. Harley. That he could get a strategy to fight for his M.

I didn't get a response back.......

I am looking forward to the weekend. Going out of town to my family's and will go to the state fair. I plan on riding a whole bunch of rides! Haven't done that in a long time.

Kim

Have received two voicemails from WH over the last three days. One about the weekend schedule(I gave him a note stating we'd been gone all weekend) and the other tonight asking if I could put DS's camera in the garage.

I have not responded to either.

I did not give WH a note stating not to contact me anymore (again). Should I? or should I just remain quiet? it's ok for me to not respond, right?

I went through such a long time of responding with a simple "yes" or "no" via tm or a note.

Kim

Today I am more resolved. Received another vm from WH. Listened to it - he wanted to know again about the schedule for the weekend, if I put DS's camera in the garage and to let me know that he was going to have some workers come do the hedges while we were gone on Saturday.

I did not respond.

I have thought about it and have decided to give him another Plan B letter. I know I said I was done. But I have nothing to lose by trying to go totally dark again. At the very least, it will give me some peace until next year when I get ready to move.

I don't think it would hurt for OW & OWH to receive another copy of one as well. I think this one will be slightly different.

Don't plan on giving it to him until Tuesday, so will work on it a bit later.

My next goal is to not listen to his vm's.

Kim

I think that is an excellent plan. Do you think the OWH told the OW that he found her loveletters? I think they both need to know that everyone knows this.

Melody -

I am pretty positive that neigher OW nor WH knows that OWH discovered the love letters. I asked OWH if he was going to confront her with them and he said no. He sounded like he had just about given up. OWH also asked me NOT to tell WH that we had spoken. Which was a surprise to me. So, I am pretty sure that OW does not even know we have spoken.

OWH did ask if I knew where WH was working - I told him that I still didn't know. WH did tell me that he has moved to another spot. Closer to "our" side of town. He is also said that his living expenses have gone way up. Which most likely means he is renting a room or apartment now rather than "freeloading".

I also think that OW and WH need to know that we both know about the letters. Should I include that in the Plan B letter?

Kim

Yes, I would. How silly of the OWH to keep his discovery secret. He could be using this information to save his marriage. I suspect he is on the Plan A aka APPEASEMENT plan and we can all see how well that is working. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />