OWH, I will continue to believe in my marriage. I pray that God will work in both of our marriages and restore them to better than they were before. You have within you the ability to accomplish so much more than you ever thought. Nothing worthwhile was ever built on lies and deceit. I have included the Marriage Builders information for you and encourage you to take advantage of all they have to offer. I appreciate your honesty in contacting me regarding the letters you found. It has saved me a lot of grief in knowing that I was planning on moving forward with a reconciliation with WH. I need to in turn let you know the claims that your wife has made against you - that she has told my WH that you have physically abused her. This is something that I have struggled with for more than a year and I believe your wife has used it as a tool to manipulate my WH."

Kim

It will create anger that they will have to deal with themselves, becasue you are NOT AVAILABLE! Why should you protect them from their LIES, Kim? The OWH has a right to know his wife falsely portrays him as a wife beater. Who CARES if they get "mad??" SO WHAT?? You are not obliged to hide their lies for them.

Did your H claim that the OWH "beat" her up?

Yes he very truly believed it. This came up in a counseling sesssion with SH also. SH asked if I believed it while WH was on the phone. I told him that I didn't think so, but I didn't know what to believe anymore.

I do believe that WH was manipulated by OW.

Kim

But maybe I was manipulated by WH into thinking it was all true when he knew it wasn't.

Crap. I don't know.

It all seems like a huge mind game to me.

Kim

Hi Kim,

Happy Birthday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This is just my two cents. I don't know about all the rebuilding, I love you talk. Don't you really and truly think he knows this already? This is all you have been telling him since he left. And nothing has changed. Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate. What have I been doing that is working? What am I doing that isn't?

I feel that giving him another love letter of let's work it out and don't contact me until you are done with OW is carte blanche for him to continue doing exactly what he has been doing.

What if the letter said something more to the effect of: WH, I read some disturbing letters that you wrote to OW (don't tell him you heard about them or he will deny till death). Let him think you actually saw them and read them.

As much as I still have love in my heart for you, I don't know what I want anymore. Me and DS need to heal. . . . . something along these lines. You don't have to make him think you're slamming the door shut, just let him know it's slowly closing. You take the upper hand and announce that you need to figure out what will make you happy.

The fallout from the letters will reek havoc in the love nest. And if he doesn't know that he still has you on a string . . . . it might shock him into realizing what he has to lose.

Just some food for thought.

All my best,
S.

Well, someone was manipulating someone here and the OWH has a right to know it. Not that it matters, but your H would have no call to get angry about you telling the OWH that she said he beats her. If it is true, he already knows it.

But don't you think if your H really believed it, he wouldn't be fooling around with her in the first place because that would only CAUSE more abuse? And if she were deceiving your H about this, don't you think he would eventually put two and two together and wonder why there are never any bruises? And wonder why if the OWH was so "abusive" it didn't stop the OW from doing things that would cause abuse? Her participation in the affair makes it pretty clear that she was never concerned herself.

In my opinion, your H made the story up out of whole cloth in order to keep you away from the OWH so you would stop interfering with his affair. He tried other manipulative methods to keep you out of his affair, so why would this be any different?

Another thought crossed my mind while I was just working out. What about updating his mother with the latest? Do you think she might be of help? It might help for her to understand that he and his OW were plotting to steal the kids and all the other juicy stuff.

Shattered -

Thanks for your take on this. It is definitely something to consider. Something that SH said to me keeps sticking in my mind and this is why I thought to take this approach - SH told me that best thing that worked with my WH was positve verbage......things that would remind him of hope, memories and rebuilding.....

I will think about what you said. I am giving Plan B until next April so I am not sure if it's too early for me to "start closing the door" on WH.

I am curious to hear what others have to say too....

Thanks again Shattered! Hope you and DS are o.k. Take care!!

Kim

Kim, why don't you also add a line about how his behavior is eroding the love you once felt for him and because of this, you must completely cut off all contact?

Let him know that his actions are causing you to fall out of love.

If SH felt he responded well to positive talk then it is probably best to go with that. I do feel that sometimes they probably think it is too late to get back together so they do need to be fed something to keep the door open.

Hi Mel!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melody -

I was thinking about either calling WH's mom or sending her a copy of my 2nd Plan B letter as well. I need to call her anyway to thank her for my B-day card....

I have been thinking about it ever since OWH told me about the "taking the kids" plot he read about in the letters.

All of what you said about the abuse sitch makes sense to me. If they are so concerned about the abuse, then they would stop the A. If she was so concerned about the abuse, she would leave him.

WH has told me he has seen bruises........could have made that up though.

Kim

And that would accomplish a bit of what Shattered was suggesting also.....

At this point, I still don't want to come across that there is no hope though....And since this is also going to OW, I don't want her to get the idea that it is going her way...I will think about that.

Kim

Kim, I think you leave in the paragraph that gives him hope, but you also tell him the truth, that his actions are greatly harming his future possibilities with you by eroding your love. [that is a typical line in a typical Plan B letter] He has to understand that he is taking great risks in his marriage by being so abusive and that there is hope IF HE STOPS. There may not be a marriage to save, though, if he doesn't. That is just reality.

O.k. - thanks Mel and Shattered. Will work on this some before I give to WH on Tuesday.

You guys have a great weekend! Am going out of town --

Blessings to you!!!!!

Kim

I am writing up the letter for WH tomorrow night...Still thinking about the "eroding the love" part.

He called 3 X's today to really tell me the same thing. VM's. I did not respond.

On one of them he ended with "love you." He is so weird.

Kim

I'm on the part where I say " I will be ending all contact with him." but I actually will probably still need to be sending a short note now and again about scheduling. I guess I can change it to reflect.

Kim

You know, Kim, I think he needs to hear that the clock is running out for him and the train is in danger of moving on. He really believes that no matter what, you will sit by idly while he pursues this ho. That is not a good thing for him to believe as you can see. It has only enabled him in many ways and given him a REASSURANCE that you are sitting by the phone waiting for him. You tried the CARROT, why not try the STICK?

Hows this?

"This has caused a great deal of pain to me and eroded some of my love for you."

enough or not enough?

Kim

Sounds good. I also like the suggestion that you tone down on the lovey talk. He knows all that.

Well, I gave him the letter on Thursday night. I didn't make any other changes to it.

I mailed the letter to OW Friday - she will either receive today or Monday. I held onto OWH's......I am rethinking the part where I tell him about the abuse. I think I would rather tell him on the phone. I want to see what kind of reaction I get. I think I will approach it as "My WH told me that you beat OW." rather than "OW told WH that you beat her." I don't know for a fact that OW told WH that. I just know what WH told me.

One other thing. WH got a notice from the bank today. I could tell it was for bounced checks. I could see through the envelope....there were a total of two that the bank covered for him. He said he has been struggling financially ever since he moved out. I guess now he is starting to crash in that department.

Our state tax refund came last week and the federal should come soon too. That will give me some more cushion if needed.

Had a great day today! Went to the pumpkin patch with DS. Gonna do some carving tonight! Anybody know of a good website to get ideas/templates??

Kim