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I don't think he's officially started Plan B ... have you written your letter???
I think he was getting legal ducks alligned.
Pep
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i will post my plan b letter to you folks in a little while.
and send it to her this weekend.
i am in percurser plan b - i guess you would say - i've gone dark but not responded to her yet.
do i respond to this call or just send letter?
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sorry LA plan b letter is response eh?
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you are right by the way - it is hard to watch D do all this silly stuff - say hilarious things and be generally goofy without w here to laugh with me.
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Who could be your third party, CL? Share those D things with us...I promise...you will look back on them in the teenaged years fondly...and it may keep you from wringing her neck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> LA
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i have a couple of mutual friends who said they could do it. tough for them...because they know what she has done...but they could do it.
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I'd call WW and tell her that D and YOU are OK ... sad but OK
leave it at that
don't discuss feeling other than "OK but sad"
wait to go dark after your Plan B letter is sent
until then minimal polite replies
why?
coz you are a good man
and you draw from your well of integrity
that's why
be kind if possible
she is a lost soul
but after Plan B letter is sent
things will change
new paradigm
have a nice evening
Pep
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anyone know where i can get some plan b letter examples....i have started this but it is damn hard to write and send isn't it?
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I bumped the sample thread for ya, CL...Spacecase started it.
Write your truth, simply...you can do this.
LA
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thanks LA...hard to even read them...i will work on this now
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Thinking of you this morning... Thank you for sharing that the Plan B letters are hard to read...I take that to mean emotionally, not that you're wrestling with bifocals. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
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Good Morning LA - thanks for thinkin of me...rough night. Yes the plan b letters are emotionally tough to get through. All the pain and hurt is hard to see...what people do to each other...the fog...etc...
this is what i have so far. pretty close to being done.
Dear w,
This is the saddest letter I have ever had to write…but with a heavy and sincere heart I would really like to speak to you. From the moment we met I was amazed by you, your strength, grace, generosity and smile. Simply put, I was amazed by you. I never dreamed we would be in this place of sadness and confusion. I always believed that with our combined strengths and yes
even our vast differences that we could take on the world.
Our marriage has always been my first priority. On that night I proposed to you, you told me what you needed, to feel safe. I still remember the tears of joy we both shed that night and from that moment I felt strong and sure that our path together would be filled with both wonderful and tough moments – but moments we could always look back upon and feel glad that we stuck it out for an enduring life filled with love, trust and companionship.
I would very much like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create an environment in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I closed my eyes and my heart to your pain because it was easier for me to ignore it in hopes that it would simply go away rather than face it head on. For this I am truly sorry.
The past few months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life but during this time I have really searched and examined my part in our relationships failure. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my wife.
I love you and care about you too, but In order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until there is no contact with the other man. Until then, I will need to avoid seeing you or talking to you in order to protect my heart and to be able to not dwell in the pain but to embrace the joy and happiness we have known together.
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thats why they pay me the big bucks pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Suggestion:
"until there is no contact with the other man."
Call a spade a spade, CL...(and I just typo'd that and got sap, hmmm)...
"with your affair partner."
"Until then, I will need to avoid seeing you or talking to you in order to protect my heart and to be able to not dwell in the pain but to embrace the joy and happiness we have known together."
Not avoid...show your choice. "Until then, I will not see or talk to you in order to protect my heart..."
Then you give the contact info for third party and what she needs to do to come home...no contact letter, transparency, counseling...and may I suggest due to her history of this that she have IC for two months before coming home?
When you own your part, you apologize...would you consider inserting a statement which says you will not close your eyes again? Three legs to forgiveness...owning what you did and why, committing to not do it again...and the other person believing you...
What you own shows her choices...not that you can make her see this...it is acting from your code.
"allowed your affair to happen." Nope. "affected your choice to have an affair"? What do you think?
Touching and honest, CL. Some self-congratulations are in order, don't you think, for doing what is difficult and doing it from love, anyway?
LA
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REVISED....
Dear w,
This is the saddest letter I have ever had to write…but with a heavy and sincere heart I would really like to speak to you. From the moment we met I was amazed by you, your strength, grace, generosity and smile. Simply put, I was amazed by you. I never dreamed we would be in this place of sadness and confusion. I always believed that with our combined strengths and yes, even our vast differences that we could take on the world.
Our marriage has always been my first priority. On that night I proposed to you, you told me what you needed, to feel safe. I still remember the tears of joy we both shed that night and from that moment I felt strong and sure that our path together would be filled with both wonderful and tough moments – but moments we could always look back upon and feel glad that we stuck it out for an enduring life filled with love, trust and companionship.
I would very much like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the failure of our marriage. I failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create an environment that affected your choice to step outside of our marriage and let this affair happen. I closed my eyes and my heart to your pain because it was easier for me to ignore it in hopes that it would simply go away, rather than face it head on. For this I am truly sorry. At this moment my eyes are open and will remain open.
The past few months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life but during this time I have really searched and examined my part in our relationships failure. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my wife.
I love you and care about you too, but In order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you until there is no contact with the other man. Until then, I will not see you or talk to you in order to protect my heart and to be able to not dwell in the pain but to embrace the joy and happiness we have known together. It is important to me to remember our late night picnics on our bed, my desperately trying to not step on your toes in our dance classes, drinking tequila before getting tattooed, scouring every little used books store we could find for great old books….these are the memories I need to have and not our recent reality.
Yes you can see D. Lauren and Rich have agreed to help coordinate this and you may contact them to arrange seeing her. You may come to visit at the house. OP is not permitted to have contact with her in at all. She is very confused and I cannot allow her to be hurt or confused by this situation any longer. Of course you may contact me if there is an emergency.
When I am ready I will contact you regarding our finances, house, car, etc. For now I will continue to manage our bills and finances.
If you choose to come home the only way this would be possible is if you commit to stopping all contact with OP, commit to our rebuilding our marriage and relationship and commit to both individual counseling and marriage counseling. I do not wish to control you or your choices in any way. But I must set my limits and boundaries for what is safe and acceptable for me.
I do care about you very much, please know this. But right now this is your journey of self discovery and understanding of what you need for you life and well-being. It is one that I cannot accompany you on. I wish you the best and sincerely hope you are out of harms way.
Love,
CL
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revision to last paragraph...
I do care about you very much, please know this. But right now I recognize this is your journey of self discovery and understanding of what you need for you life and well-being. I also recognize it is one that I cannot accompany you on. I wish you the best and sincerely hope you are out of harms way.
Love,
CL
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It's beautiful, CL. Do you want me to punctuate for ya? Would that assure you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
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