about this quote:

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."


I have tried to make a good impression-
yesterday he called about the mortgage and he said my cell phone has been cut off- i know you tried to reach meand found out right? I said No I hadnt tried to call you. Im sorry to hear that- things will work out for you.
He said Maury- thanks for caring and thinking about me.
I said um hum and hung up.
How do i keep from becoming bitter or angry or not caring anymore. I dont want to do that.

Well, if it is a Plan B letter, it should be short, and you could read it into his answering machine or voicemail.

He's hoping to ease off his addiction -- maybe one phone call a day less to OW. This is delusory. What would you say if someone were "tapering off" to only five drinks a day?

"Then he tells me I dont have to leave the house when he comes over, he still wants to be my friend, not burn his bridges, ect." MEANS: "I want to cake eat, and you are making it hard."

"you need to stop bringing vanessa into this because it's not what you think anymore and we need to get past this." You will get "past" it when it's over and behind you, with or without him. Of course it's "not what you think," because he is withholding information and probably lying.

It's all about him. Still.

A PBL can be, and should be, loving. But this guy is keeping you stringing along, hoping, hoping, hoping. And it's hard not to go back into pleading, which is a drag.

And what if he finds a new OW in the meantime? Without the baggage that you or OW now carry? In his state of mind -- trying to make things easier for him -- he's capable of anything.

I'll let others pipe in. If you really have been "trying to make a good impression," you've done your Plan A. But others would probably know better than I.

Reconciliation is either in the cards, or it's not in the cards. The problem as a BS is that you think that YOUR actions determine 90 percent of the outcome. I think it's a response to your helplessness during the A, when you were lied to and disempowered in your own life.

Plan B is a recognition that it's not in your hands; it's in his. And that puts the responsibility squarely where it belongs.

winter--- I think A.M. made a good point. Now that WH "relationship" is crumbling, whos to say he won't find a new OW????
In your case it is time for a firm plan b, all the "contact" that you all have been having is feeding him, you need to cut him off...This will allow you to live for you, and not in "limbo land"... You will find it will be a whole lot better, yes it will be different, but, much better.
hang in there..

Thank you Am Martin:
His cell phone is still off and If I call out to Vanessa's he will get me off the phone fast before I can read it to him. I can call him at work.
I will get it across to him today somehow.
In the meantime I will raise my children and go to work and school.
My heart dosent want to be with anyone because I know its going to hurt. I dont want to be with another person but the one I married. Unfortunetly he doesent want me.
So my head says I am just going to be alone.
Im wondering if anyones wh has come back right after the Plan B letter? I am so scared of being divorced and really by myself.
I wish I knew what it is the other person has that attracts our spouses and maybe I could attract and have someone give up everything for me. - im rambling. sorry

Slow Down, Winter.

Your marriage definitely is not over!

My marriage recovered after PLAN B. Many marriages recover after PLAN B. There is absolutely no reason for you to give up on your marriage YET.

Write a PLAN B LETTER. Post it here for us to read. Do nothing else but that today....

Do not contact your H or Vanessa.

Winter-- mimi is right....slow down.. your M is not over. Do not contact him or Vanessa, it just feeds him.
Write your letter and post it so Mimi and others can help you through this stage.
Just take baby steps...... PLan B may finally wake him up from the fog and stir things within him , while at the same time it allows for you to be free of drama/trauma and to be the best winter and mom you can be

Baby steps....

Im working on the letter and ill post it when i finish. I wont send it til you guys check it out.
The one I came up with is too personal and accusing and sounds like im giving up.

Waiting patiently..take your good time...No hurry...

winter----just see how you are doing today....

Im ok - im going to post the plabn b letter in a second. I just feel in my heart and i know its wrong but he will read it - say ok - takes burden off him and we are going to be divorced. I can see him saying fine- you wanted it this way. It will be within the next few weeks - it will come back like remember you didnt want me to contact you.
I know im in a corner and the other way hasnt worked either so .....
How's things going for you- when's the big day for you (wedding- are you at that stage yet?) Im so happy for you Bigwave you seem so much more happier and free. ((hugs))))))))

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WK, if you were in a solid plan -- A or B -- you wouldn't be feeling so lost at sea, as you are now. Your stranded, and you don't really have a plan of action. That's what MB does.

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AM -- Nicely put !! These affairs are so desvastating to all involved. It really, really helps the BS to have a plan. And, a friend who cares...

Y'all are a God-send !! WF - please listen to the wise and caring posters here. They have been exactly where you are and can help you with your situation.

Sending hugs to all.... Carnation

thanks am and carnation- your right there are some great posters. Im glad to have their hope and help.
I am going to the doctor this weekend to releieve the pressure i have been enduring these past months. Im not sleeping and my apetite is down (good thing ive come down from a size 26 to a 18-20) but i am tired. Its summer and i want to be happy for my kids, to do things with them insted of laying in the bed in my room with the curtins closed.

winter-----it sounds as if you could probably benefit from antidepressants. much better than sticking an ice pick in your skull to relieve the pressure, believe me I said that numerous times, if I could only let out some of the pressure.....