I've seen this issue/subject brought up on MB from time to time. Someone will post a question about if it's worth it to even try to work it out with their spouse, and another poster will reply that not only did their marriage work out, it is actually better than it was. That always left me scratching my head (and if anyone is gonna smart off and mention bugwuggies to me, I'll merrily beat you with a chankla).

I mean, what could be better about finding out that your life's love betrayed you so personally? For me, I was happily living my life, la-la-la-la-la, and WHAMO! My world came crashing down....and the rubble of it and the fallout from it lasted 3 freaking years. By the time the Wookie realized (kicked him in the teeth, more like) that he was about to loose it all, I was a milisecond away from throwing my towel into the ring.

There's nothing like staring into the abyss of the unknown to give you a little perspective, eh?

So better? Gads. After 3 years of gallomping through 10,000 miles of burnt gorilla [censored] barefoot, lots of stuff is better than that....I got above mention chanklas for one.

But you know, I've been noticing some stuff. Like, comparing the old Wookie and my relationship with him, noticing stuff. There was an uneveness to our relationship. There was a definite line of demarcation between our roles...stuff that was my job only and stuff that only he would take care of....and my stuff was noticibly all mine....like house work and kid work and my regular 8-5 job work, while he had yard work and job work....and that was all. There wasn't a lot of sharing about our personal stuff at work (I did, but only to make conversation)....and if the things that I had to do didn't get done...they just didn't get done. There was no one to help pick up the slack....and if I asked for help, I got resentment.

So changes. Very recently, the Wookie has been taking a lot of overtime to pay for the lawyer we are employing to help us gain custody of the children. The old Wookie would have resented the ****** out of it. The new Wookie understands that this is a consequence of the affair...that this is HIS problem to fix...but better than that he APPRECIATES my help/support for him and does NOT EXPECT IT. Which makes it a helluva lot easier to give, btw. The old Wookie played with the children on a whim. The new Wookie cherishes the children and MAKES time to be with them. The old Wookie would listen to me ask for help around the house and write it off or forget....the new Wookie had every stitch of clothes washed, dried, folded and put away last week on one of his days off (I almost walked out of the house to make sure I walked in the right one) AND vacuumed the floor AND made the kids clean their rooms, and has even made noises about wanting to learn how to make simple dinners....(side note: this from the man who when asked to put the roast in the oven at 350 degrees, did so...but on BROIL causing my oven proof glass lid to shatter into a bazillion pieces...so we're still POJAing allowing him to boil water...I even buy cold brew tea bags, lol...but don't tell Tucktummy!!!).

He calls me every day....just because. He takes an active interest in my medications and doctor's appointments because he feels he needs to know these things now.

We talk. A LOT. We share...A LOT. We listen A LOT. And for all his new giving, I want to give more, which makes him want to give more, which makes me want to give more.......

So yeah. There's still a lot of hurt. Ache, really.

But better? Yeah. I can see why someone would say that now. There's a lot about US that has changed for the better.

- Kimmy

But how do you try to work it out when WH is living with OW (17 yrs. younger), and talking about a future with her?

I feel like I have to give up!

The one time he moved out to be with VD (ow), I ended up plan Bing him...even down to going through an inbetween about children issues.

"Better" - How could a cold brew teabag EVER be better!!! I didn't even know such a thing existed.

Seriously Kimmy, how could he NOT appreciate you? TT

It's better than the Wookie using the stove, TT....YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO READ THAT PART MISSY!!! I knew you'd be mortified.

Tea bags + TT is like flat hair + ML......

(rotflmao)

Well I guess before the A there were problems that were never dealt with that caused the A. There was probably no POJA so someone was probably giving in and resenting it.

After the A those problems need to be worked on and corrected. Then there is a POJA that needs to be in place so new issues do not creep into the marriage and cause problems.

Now it sounds as though you are in a similar situation as I am. If you looked at the M before the A maybe you should have been the one to have an A so things could get better. Sounds like your FWS has now figured out you were a great and the demarcation point has been erased.

I think sometimes the problem with the A is that it makes the BS realize that the M wasn't as good as they thought it was. I think it goes to expectations. My FWW had very high expectations of what a M was about and what a H should be. However she was not meeting her own expectations nor was she putting in as much as I was. When she started pointing the finger at me for the reasons for her A, I started thinking about the last x amount of time. Some of the things she blamed on me after we discussed it were actually her doing. Imagine that. So now we were able to discuss the issue come to the root of the problem and never make the same mistake again in our marriage.

I believe I will never forgive or forget what happened. What I am hoping for is that at some point my FWW will deposit enough in my LB so I can feel as though she loves me more then anything else in this world. I hope she will make it impossible for me to leave because we have such a good M now.

If you look at all he is doing now around the house and with the kids and with you things are getting better for you. Hopefully one day you will look across the table and think to yourself yes he screwed up, yes it hurt me but could I even ask for a better man then him today. I hope to get there one day and I hope you do to.

There are some posts that I really enjoy reading.

Thanks Kimmy, May it keep getting better, and better.

SS