thanks viking,
I am going to print that out and read it over and over!!!

really much thanks
blind

anyother suggestions for today?
He is coming home today and will be there when I get home from work.
Had a conversation on the phone yesterday. I was definately being nice and non judgemental. It definately through him off. I could tell by the tone in his voice.

Called me baby like he used to.
Referred to coming back as home instead of the house.

I know not to bring up anything when he first gets back. any other things I should try to do?

Blind

Try and get off work early and I am not sure if surprising is the best or letting him know your going to be there early.

If he seems tired offer to rub is back and let him lay down
If he seems hungery offer to make him a sandwich
If he seems lonely offer to sit with him
If he seems aggitated offer to leave him alone

You need to be there for him or not me there but still for him.

That is what will through him off, if he starts something remember that you are fighting for your life and that means walking away if you think your going to get into an argument.

Good Luck

thanks for the postitive thoughts!!
blind

ok, now I am totally confused.

He is home he called for a ride from the airport and I picked him up. we went out for dinner and when we got home he acted cool but very friendly. he went through all his mail and took a shower. Then I went to sleep. I asked him where he was sleeping and he said in our bed why????

We have 2 other bedrooms ao I just assumed he would be sleeping in one of those since I KNOW he spent at lest a weekend with his OW.

Is this normal?? Does it mean he feels guilty or is just trying to keep the peace??

When do I bring up what he is planning or thinking??

I don't want to force the issue but I am not sure if I just wait for him to bring it up or do I ask?

I don't know if ther is contact but I am sure there is. I haven't had a chance to check his cell phone he locked it and I will need some time to figure out the code.

Just looking for advice as to what my first step should be.

It was weird to wake up and see him but it did feel good to have hime home.
Thanks in advance!!
Blind

I don't want to mess up these first days back together!!
Blind

You've been together 17 years and are not married...

I'm wondering how often he's been back forth, or have you, to others, on breaks, etc? I ask because you seem to me to believe you have the power to mess up what isn't within your control...

like you can cause him to leave you; control him or cure him of his A...

and you can't.

What about being authentic to you? Knowing who you are, where you end, your human limit and power...your choices.

Do you believe you caused him to have an A?

LA

We have never had an infidelity in the past. Never any breaks either except visiting family when one of us couldn'tget off of work. There was never a question of an A then.

I know I didn't cause his A.

I do think some of our needs weren't being met and I am trying to meet those needs as he lets me.

When he left I heard all of the things I have read posted here. I haven't been happy for years I don't know if I love you anymore etc. etc.

Now he seems to be picking up like he was gone a day instead of a month.
Why would he crawl into bed with me as if nothing had happend

That took me by surprise.

I know our relationship is not legal but I can assure the feelings are as real as if we were married.

I know I can't control him.
But I guess I am still trying to control the situation.
Another lesson learned.
Thanks
Blind

***I don't know if ther is contact but I am sure there is. I haven't had a chance to check his cell phone he locked it and I will need some time to figure out the code.***

Why did you allow him to come home if there is still contact?
Mulan

He had been up north helping his parents. They are in there 80's.
His trip away wasn't to see the OW. She lives in a near by state to his parents so that's why I assumed they had met up.

When he left he never said he wasn't coming back.

He only got home last night so we haven't spoken about anything yet.
That was what I was looking for advice about.

Do I bring up the A or do I wait for him to bring it up?
Blind

If you are there Mrs. W I would love an opinion???
Thanks, Blind

Blindsided...

I am flattered that you would think me so wise...Remember blind, I am the FWS, so I have not ever done a Plan A, I've been Plan A'ed...I do think Mr. W is a Plan A Master...That being said, you will eventually have to discuss the elephant in the room with him...Sweeping things under the rug is NEVER a solution...When you discuss this with him, give him a safe place from which to share, though I know how hard it will be not to scream, yell and cry, DON'T...just listen and nod...realize that almost everything that he says will be fog babble...

With all honesty, I think that his alcoholism is the first issue here...Others would be better able to advise where this is concerned...

Have you gotten "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson as Mr. W suggested? I think that would be your best approach right now...

Mrs. W

Doing nothing means nothing changes.

My best guess is you approach him indicating that despite the troubles in your relationship he has always been your best friend and you'd appreciate him discussing what his intentions are. Maybe you'd also appreciate his insight into just what YOU are supposed to do with the rest of your life and how he thinks you should respond to this OW predicament.

Try to reestablish your friendship and achieve back some intimacy in your relationship (even if only as friends right now). Ask him about what HE is thinking and feeling. Realize much of it is FOG babble and babble back but don't get mad or hurt (even if it is hurtful and inciteful). Talk a little but listen a ton. You can't change his mind no matter what you say or do...but you can perhaps guide him carefully to making the best decision for him (which right now you beleive to be choosing you but keep an open mind because that may just not be the best decision for YOU). Realize that God already knows what he is going to do and trust that God's plan is the best plan for you...even if that means you must lose this man.

Pray for the power to change what you can change and ACCEPT that which you can not change. Without open, safe and friendly conversation you likely will have zero power to affect the outcome. The mere fact the ISSUE is on the table will have an effect on the "affair" as without secrecy it is NOT as alluring and dangerous. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

Finally, be secure, confident and solid in the FACT that you will make it, with or without him, YOU will make it.

Read Dobson ...immediately.

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s.- He will likely want you to give up trying to save the relationship. He has likely rationalized away any hope of saving it and will really want you to give up. Giving up is OK. There is power in that. When you stop "TRYING" so hard you can open lines of communication with him otherwise unavailable. Now giving up is different from quiting. You still play out the hand but you can certainly more effective affect the outcome being involved with WH/SO than being separated and not communicating.

p.p.s.- don't forget there are 2 sides to the fight. OW is going to be pushing him to commit to her. She is going to want you OUT of the way. The more you stick around the more impatient and unloving SHE is going to behave. You have more at stack and thus perhaps more patience to stick this out than she...just maybe SHE will get frustrated and discard your man. Fence riding/Cake eating waywards are difficult for either of you to control and his indecision may just result in you winning by default. Sounds horrible but once the FOG clears they CAN become better partners and your relationship CAN grow because of it. I, myself, "won" by default when OM ended it with Mrs. W; but, I NEVER felt myself to be 2nd best to him or anybody. Hope you can have that strength yourself.

p.p.s.- Of course, eventually you'll move from Plan A (with some tough Dobson in it) to Plan B and process yourself individually out of this relationship eventually when your man CAN'T extricate himself from his addiction. Plan A must have an end otherwise you as the BS feels lost within it. Set a date...3 or 4 months at which time if he has not gotten back on board and gone to "No Contact" that YOU will go to Plan B. You can alter the date for timing but you MUST commit to a timetable lest you become a doormat indefinitely. The power comes from having a plan for YOU.

gosh I love you guys!!!!

I won't be able to write back much becaue he is wondering why I need the computer.

I was never online much before and now I am the addict (to MB) ha ha ha
Thanks for all of the advice and I will let you both know how it goes!

Mr & Mrs. W BOTH ROCK!!!!

much thanks,
Blind

Good ole ROCK, nothin' beat ROCK...doh!!! Bart Simpson

Nothing beats ROCK either!!! S'alright luv, you can still party like a ROCK star in my book! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((((Blindsided))))...Thank you, please keep us posted and take care of YOU! YOU ROCK TOO...Make sure you remember that through all of this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I will try.

Tonight should be interesting. His family keeps calling his cell phone to see whats going on.

He is going to tell me he is "in love with the OW"
and I am going to tell him I am not giving up the fight for our family.

I will keep you posted!!

Blind

"He is going to tell me he is "in love with the OW"
and I am going to tell him I am not giving up the fight for our family."

Why do you say that?

LA

I say that because I know in my heart that he loves me.
I love him today even after all of this as much as I did 10 or 15 years ago.

I still get butterflies every night when he comes home from work.

If this relationship fails I need to know that I was true to MY feelings and that I did everything on my part to keep it together.

I know I can't control how he feels and what he says, but on the other hand I can't betray myself by just letting go because it isn't how I really feel.

Does that make sense???

Blind

So don't give up..but do so on the backside. He probably thinks he is done with you. As hard as that is to accept, accept that is what he currently THINKS. No need to challenge him with the FACT that you are not going to dismiss him so easily. It will mean nothing to him NOW but your actions over the next few weeks and months will.

Be careful not to tell him all the things YOU want him to say to you. Push him and he'll pull away. Guaranteed.

Mr. W