I have exposed to all of his family and mine.

He said her family knows all about it and even offered him their house here to live in.

I think I can find the mothers number but I think she has already accepted him.

I feel like I am stuck.

Blind

***Am I supposed to be declaring my boundaries now or just being the best I can be???***

How can you be "the best you can be" without boundaries?

Your WH treats you the way he does because you have no boundaries and he knows it.

Remember - a boundary is NOT "do this or else!"

A boundary is, "If you do this, I will not be a part of your life. I will remove myself from it because it is far too painful for me to be treated that way and I will not allow it."

Then, if/when your boundary is crossed again, you ENFORCE THE BOUNDARY by going to Plan B.

If you do not enforce your boundaries, they become nothing but empty threats that he will ignore. Just like he does now.
Mulan

Find her mother's number...and expose, anyway.

Do not accept your WH's statements as the truth...they are only his truth...you choose what you believe or not. Do not allow his words to determine your actions...they are yours.

LA

Thanks, I will do that when he goes to work today.
any other suggestions?
blind

LA,
I can't find the 180 thread?
any idea where??

Blind

No idea...use the search feature and type in 180

I don't do 180...I believe in the basis for it, Blind...changing to self-care, honesty, acting from your own code and not reacting to your WH...I don't believe in doing 180 as an act or Plan A as a strategy...only as a life change.

LA

thanks for being here with me this am.

He is STILL sleeping.
I guess to avoid me.

Last night after he told me he had slept with the OW he asked if he should sleep in the other room and I replied

I don't want you to but you have to decide that for yourself.

He slept in our bed with me.

Over analyzing or some sign??

Blind

You know, Blind...DJs are terrible love busters...and they hurt you as much as your marriage.

What do you feel when you choose to consider he's still sleeping to avoid you?

What you feel, think and believe are yours...all your choices.

I'm not one to ever say over analying...I'm one to say, keep your analyzing on you...because then you live in truth, not conjecture.

LA

what are DJ's ???

From Love Busters...the articles here on this website...

DJ's are Disrespectful Judgments...

LA

Last night was the hardest so far.

He is definately angry. He thinks I am just trying to mess up his life.

I guess I am reading to much into his actions and over analyzing everthing. I know this must be normal.

I am in Plan A and he hasn't said anything about leaving.

Which I know is good because I know he has a place to stay but so far he is still choosing to stay home.

Just looking for someone to talk to.

Blind

I'm here, Blind...

Do you understand how mindreading hurts you and your relationship? He thinks you're just trying to mess up his life...you are his life... Know your truths...stay focused on what you know in you...not him.

He has his own...like him stating the whole usual repetoire of being soulmates with OW...regularly, ordinary, required wayward talk...living a fantasy.

You're real.

Why is it good that he has a place to stay? What do you mean?

I know you are recognizing he's choosing to stay in your relationship home...let me ask you the really tough question here...

I want to type marriage, marital home...you're his wife...and you're not...are you legally? Common law?

Why are you both not married after 17 years?

That would be a question about you, not him, 'k?

LA

We thought about getting married years ago when we bought our home ( eight years ago).
We talked al ot about it and saw so many marriages around us fail we thought is was almost like a curse.

Friends in their 20's divorced twice already, my fahter divorced twice and his sister.

It was always a mutual decision.

I know my trying to mindread hurts me more than him. I guess that just proves the lack of communcation we have had over the years.

Last night I was able to share how I feel. Not cry. He was crying the entire time.
He even said why are you telling me all of this now when I have found someone else to love. I have to admit even though I know it is the fog talking, it hurt.

Maybe it is me being naive but he met her on 3/28/06. I guess I am hoping that since I found out 4/01/06 and started being proactive then that maybe I could shorten the span of this A.

Blind

You can take hope...finding out about the affair so rapidly, taking action...had he been in an EA before meeting her 3/28?

I asked about marriage...because your reasoning not to do it and to play marriage instead is a common one...however, it does lead to living a fantasy...in a committed relationship, the brave call it what it is...and the timid have it and call it something else...like saying its true name kills it.

People kill marriages, not the certificates.

I believe you know this...

And yes, you being open and honest...counts greatly...respectfully....and no, his belief why now doesn't matter...you are doing it.

You're half the communication or lack there of...and you're changing.

LA

He has never been in an EA before this.
We had our share of ups and downs but neither of us ever strayed.

He met her for the first time on 3-28.

Saw her on 4/01/06. then not again until sometime in the past month when he was up north.

It is hard to imagine how someone can fall in love with someone so quickly on the telephone.

Between 4/1/06 and when he went away the first week of May. Our realtionship was doing well or so I thought. We took a vacation, spent a lot of time together. Lots of SF.

I guess that is why it hurts so bad.

Just when I thought we were both making an effort at the same time he chose to let someone else meets needs he couldn't express to me????

Blind

Oh, please, LOVE?????. Give me a break. It is called a fantasy, and that is all it is.

I know that is what my heart is holding on to.

It is nice to hear that from an unbiased observer.

Thanks for the smile it gave me!!

Blind

L A,
What I ment before about a place to stay is that her family owns a home where we live and offered him to use it as a palce to stay if he needed one.

I explained to him last night I was not ready to sell our home and he didn't leave.

I took that as a good sign. He isn't just staying because he has no place to go.

Blind

As you read here, you will see lots of folks who seemed to have a great marriage - before D-day they were pregnant, planning on more babies, buying new homes, etc.

Then, mostly by chance, the OP comes into the picture, and they are "in love", with their "soulmate", who they have finally found. Makes me want to puke. But it is funny how they all say the exact same thing.

It is amazing how many threads I see his EXACT words on.

I am so greatful for this site. My IC recommended His Needs Her needs and I found the web site in the back of the book.

What luck!!

As I said I have seen his words on this screen coming from men and women. It is like a code of infidelity or something.

I did have a moment of wisdom last night.

During our talk I asked him which would he choose,

Finding something new that he thought he might really like,
or, finding something he lost a long time ago that was one of his favorite treasured possesions.

His response was wow, I never thought about it like that before?? A momnet of clarity.

Blind