The OM is a construction worker. His employer doesn't care what he does. His parents don't live in the U.S.

The e-mail was written by my wife to her best friend. She lamented the fact that the OM and his wife sold their house because the lovers could meet there when his wife was away on vacation. The apartment apparently is not very nice. They generally get a motel room.

Hiker45,
Thanks for the response. I know I am asking the impossible. I am just thankful for this site! I don't know for sure if they are together now but I do know he is coming home next week. I will be prepared for Plan A when he gets back. There has to be someway to show him what a mistake he is making. Sundog said last night there is no way he is even going to hear me right now so I guess I just have to show him. Show him how much love I still have for him and how much I believe our future can still be good together.

I would still call her, you never know what you will find out. He may have rented a secret apartment and they may even be getting back together. Even if it is true, she might be able to give you some information about the affair.

Blindside, be careful how you deal with this. You want to at least appear strong and confident. Don't allow yourself to get weepy and depressed around him or you will appear less attractive in his eyes. Even though you feel terrible, keep up a bold front. Let him know you love him but your love does not extend to allowing him to abuse you in this way.

Sundog is probably right. Remember, these cheaters are in a fog. They suffer from the worst kind of self deception about what they are doing. Coming to reality means having to deal with the guilt as well as giving up the fantasy.

Take care of yourself first!

Melody,

I would like to do that, but apparently she has an unlisted number. Internet searches list her old number which is disconnected and no cell phone.

I'm still waiting to hear from anyone who has had a positive experience, in terms of marriage recovery, with Plan B.

I think that Plan A alone rarely works. Even Harleys view Plan A as a temporary measure.

Most of us here feel, in hindsight, that we spent too much time in Plan A. I spent about a year Plan Aing, and my W never stopped her affair. In fact, my Plan A made it that much easier for her to carry on - I watched the kids while she spent time with the OM at work.

When I finally went to a Plan B, she finally pulled her head out of where the sun didn't shine. She for the first time took responsibility for the hurt she caused her family, apologized profusely, and stopped sounding like an alien. Unfortunately, by then, my Love Bank was way below zero, so most of that fell on deaf ears. But, I felt much better once I went into a Plan B, and it did help ease the pain of living with someone carrying on an affair under your very nose.

I think you are in a good place to go to Plan B, as long as you realize that it is a high stake gamble - it may give your W a reality check and end the affair, or it may get you one step closer to a divorce. But, in any case, Plan B is a perfectly appropriate tool. And since you cannot force her to leave the house, I think that you leaving, as part of a Plan B, may be appropriate. I'd talk to Harleys first, as well as to an attorney to make sure that you are not viewed as abandoning your family. But after that, I wouldn't be afraid of a Plan B.

AGG

Thanks Hiker. It is so hard to be strong when you can't eat or sleep and generaly feel like crap. I am hoping to keep Plan A going and see some results before our home gets put up for sale. Luckily it needs a lot of work before we can get a good price. I know being strong is the best thing to do. I know he will interpret my strength as a sign that he won't have to feel any guilt when he physically leaves the relationship. He doesn't appear to feel much guilt leaving me emotionally. JERK!

One of the many difficult things to face when your spouse has an affair is the limited options you have to affect the betraying spouse's behavior.

When they refuse to stop seeing their lover, refuse counseling, and even refuse to discuss any issues that smack of restoring the marriage, you have few choices left.

Exposure can help, but it has its own drawbacks. It is definitely a "love buster," albeit often a necessary one. Another drawback is that "publicizing" the affair may tend to make the betraying spouse accept what they believe to be the inevitable outcome of the affair, separation and divorce. They ask themselves, "How can we ever restore our marriage when everyone knows what I did?" "How can I ever face the family of the betrayed spouse?"

Plan A and Plan B offer what may be the only viable option of saving a marriage as opposed to living indefinitely with a spouse who refuses to stop the affair.

Separation is a painful thing for me. I love my wife dearly, but she will continue to see the OM whether I am here or not, and my leaving at least sends a clear message that I can no longer tolerate the affair, nor will I. If he is able to meet her emotional needs then I have lost, and would have probably lost anyway had I stayed. But if he can't, the affair will eventually die out and I may still have a chance to save my marriage.

As Dr. Harley says, most affairs die out within six months once exposed, but some last as long as two years. A very few turn into long term relationships.

I know the OM. Their relationship is obviously based on fantasy. It won't last. The question is, will I outlast it? Will I be able to maintain my desire to save my marriage if this affair lasts a year or two? Am I willing to put my life on hold for that time?

These are tough questions and I don't know the answers.

Thanks for the support GoodGuy. How long did it take into Plan B for your wife to find her way out of the fog?

Incidentally, I did talk to a lawyer and he says it's fine to leave under these conditions. I am taking my son (our only child) with me until it is her turn.

I might say that young children often feel abandoned by their parents when they leave in this situation, which is why I am taking him with me.

I have been his primary caretaker anyway.

I will stay on this site and re read all of the books as many times as it takes. Or at least until I am to exhausted from trying. I have to believe that he still loves me even if he doesn't realize it right now. When did you discover your wife's affair?

Actually, it has the opposite effect. Exposure is so damaging to the affair, that instead of increasing the likelihood of divorce, it DECREASES it. After all, the greatest threat to the marriage is the AFFAIR, not exposure. The marriage can survive temporary anger from exposure, it can't survive a long term affair. And exposure is simply the most effective weapon again an affair. We have had affairs end on the very day they were exposed. In other cases, it caused enormous conflict in the affair, which hastened its death.

The Harley's are ardent advocates of exposure, because they know it works. In my experience here, I would affirm that it is probably the MOST effective tool in the BS' arsenal. SH has counseled members to "do everything short of taking out a billboard." And that is because exposure is so very effective.

She wrote me a note about 2 weeks after we separated, telling me that once she was on her own, she has realized how wonderful a husband I had been, how awful her behavior had been, and how crazy her life had become. She ended it with "ILY", three words I had not heard in a year from her.

At first, I thought that things were going to change. Fortunatley, I learned enough to never believe a word a WS says, and go only by her actions. In that sense, nothing had changed. She was still seeing her OM, and hoping that he would leave his W (he never did).

In the end I got tired of the whole thing. But, Plan B did help me get used to the idea of the marriage possibly ending, and gave me some control of my life, which was painfully lacking while I was in a Plan A and she was doing as she pleased.

You seem to have a great understanding of Plan A and Plan B, and I hope you do not make the mistake that so many of us here made - Plan Aing your spouse all the way to divorce. Plan B is a perfectly legitimate tool in the toolbox - do not be afraid to use it.

AGG

Hiker, I wish you could have heard Dr. Harley's radio show this last hour, because he spoke of Plan B. [click on the link in the upper right hand corner of the forum page - it goes until 1pm CST]

He stated exactly what AGoodGuy just told you. That the purpose of Plan B is to remove the BS from the painful situation and allow him to take back control of his life. He stated it is not to save the marriage but to protect any remaining love the BS has in the event the affair does end.

He noted that while 95% of affairs crumble, that this does not mean that 95% of WS' come back to the marriage. There is always the chance that the WS will move onto another partner. As AGG mentioned, it is best to get used to the possibility of the marriage ending and building a life without the WS.

Another point he made is that it is a big mistake to keep "some" contact in Plan B. When that happens, and we see it here all the time, it just pulls the BS right back into the painful situation and prevents healing. He emphasized the importance of staying dark and in naming an intermediary for all important contact.

GoodGuy,

Thanks again for the support. I'm sorry to hear about your wife's failure to straighten her life out. I might be in the same boat soon.

Melody,

I agree that exposure helps in most cases, but it does tend to make things more difficult if you try to reconcile, which is why if you don't need to do it to get the betraying spouse back into working on the marriage, you shouldn't use it. Obviously I need to use it.

Blindside,

Stay strong. Focus on yourself, not on him. Remember, when you first met him you didn't throw yourself at his feet. Don't do it now. It looks like weakness to cheaters and pushes them away. Stop all lovebusters except exposure. Try to keep your conversations light and happy. Avoid trying to pry into the reasons of the affair if he doesn't want to talk. Keep a happy home even though you feel terrible. Dr. Harley even recommends antidepressant medication.

Hiker, I agree with this very much, except it does not hinder reconciliation, it facilitates it. But only enough to faciliate that reconciliation, except in the case of the OP's spouse. The OP's spouse needs to be notified regardless. Any other exposure is unneccessary, as you said.

I wish I could contact the OP's spouse. Maybe I'll learn something this week. She has been out of the country for several weeks (that info also courtesy of an intercepted email).

I guess another way to put it is to say that the affair should be exposed to anyone who has or can influence the WS to stop the affair.