Right.

Now I see that you have recovered your marriage. Are you a successful Plan B'er?

sam

No, I never did Plan B because I did not have to deal with an ongoing affair as you are. I discovered Marriage Builders via a counselor after the discovery of the affair.

When I discovered my H's affair, I was not interested in staying in the marriage and wanted a divorce. He asked me to try counseling for a few times first. I figured I would go to counseling a couple of times so that I could say "I tried" before I dumped him.

And here I am 5 years later and extremely happy after using MB principles in our marriage.

That's great news. I discovered MB fairly quickly as well, but my wife refused to give up the affair or go to counseling, either individually or together.

The dynamics of our relationship changed quickly. She cut off the physical part of our relationship and refused my efforts to supply all her emotional needs. I counseled with Steve Harley, but there really was no option but to pursue Plan A/ Plan B.

People who know my wife are astonished at this behavior from her, as I am. The strength of the addiction is frightening.

So Melodylane and Hiker, any suggestions besides being strong and taking care of my self if he seemd determined to end our relationship in favor of his affair fantasy?
He went with me to counseling once but doesn't seem interested at all in saving what we had together. Is there any hope?

There is always hope, even AFTER a divorce. But don't hang your life and happiness on whether he will come back to you, because it may or may not happen.

Now I realize that is easy to say, but trust in the fact that your depression will subside, little by little, until your self confidence reachs its former level and you start to feel better about yourself.

Three months ago I was a walking zombie. I lost 18 pounds in three weeks (and I wasn't overweight to begin with). I was so depressed I was just going through the motions everyday, trying to keep from falling apart in front of people at work.

I am much better now. I have some relapses into depression on occasion, but overall I am much better.

You will be too.

3 months, huh?

How long you been married - years, right?

All you got in you is 3 lousy months of Plan A?

You're willing to give up half you son's time after just 3 months?

Can you tell I'm not impressed?

I've got a better idea. Give ME your son. Sight unseen, I'll give him more than 3 months of dedicated parental care before I voluntarily let him be with a fogged out WS.


You mean legally? - or in an effort to save your marriage?

Have you prepared a separation agreement? How will you defend an accusation of abandonment? What advice did this lawyer give you as far as division of assets and debt responsibility for jointly held stuff?

WAT

Thanks, I guess I am just looking for the magic formula to get him out of this fantasy world he has created for himself.
I know I have seemed needy to him. So I stopped calling and he didn't call for 9 days.
He is in his own little world and I am left home to care for the house 4 dogs and all of the bills he left behind.
It's not a pretty place!

My son is coming with me. I have a separation agreement for the financial issues. Legally, mutally agreed separation is okay and does not constitute abandonment here.

Dr. Harley says 6 months is a fair Plan A timeline, but he points out that many people can't hold out that long while their nose is rubbed in the affair. Remember, my emotional needs aren't being met either. My resentment and anger grows daily. If I lose the desire to save this marriage and she doesn't have any desire to, what will happen?

Plan B primarily saves the betrayed spouse from losing all interest in reconciliation.

what's that about ARK

???

"sam"

me no get

Blindside,

He won't come out of his fantasy world until the fantasy starts collapsing around him and reality sneaks in. Stay in Plan A, expose the affair where it will do the most good, offer a plan for reconciliation and restoration if he will listen. Show him how that can happen by making a friendly home, but maintain strength and confidence as best you can, even if it is only a facade.

Hiker,
I guess because their "fling" is mostly over the phone it will take forever to collapse as you said. I know in my heart that it will fall apart. I just hope that happens before all we had together dissolves.
I can't thank you enough for hanging with me.
I am guessing you don't know what the chances are that he will "come home" after the affair ends do you?

Worthatry, What more do you think can be accomplished with another three months of staying with my alien spouse?

She has settled down into a nice situation where some needs are filled by me and some are filled by the OM. In the meantime I get little or nothing. I am actually funding her trips to see the OM (indirectly, she can't afford to do it without my income). Her mother supports her search for passion. Her stepfather is on the sideline (doesn't approve but won't dare say anything). She has abandoned her best friend over this issue.

The OM's wife knows about the affair and is currently out of the country, probably preparing to divorce the OM according to some information.

In short, there isn't much more I can do. I am very conscious of hurting my son. I would do anything to avoid it, but I really believe separation is the best way to force a showdown. If I lose, I lose. If she comes out of the fog, them there's a chance to save this marriage. That is my earnest desire.

I am going to tell you the chances are better than 50/50, simply because almost all affairs end with time. Dr. Harley says most end within six months of "seeing the light of day." A few last as long as two years. And of course, even fewer affairs end in the cheaters getting married.

If you operate under the assumption that the affair will end, you need to take whatever action will lead him back to you when it's over, as opposed to bouncing into another affair. That is one of the benefits of Plan A; making you and your home seem the best place to return to when the fantasy collapses.

Take a stand and cut her off.

Refuse to fund her addiction.

What about the legal stuff? Are you really prepared to move out? You're going to pay your mortgage so she can boink OM in your home?

WAT

I agree.

Talk to your lawyer about what it would take to force HER out.

WAT

Again Hiker, Many thanks. I will look at the next 5 days as 5 days to turn my house back into the happy home it once was. And the happy place I know it can be again. I am lucky that we don't have children so I really can focus on myself right now. Who knows maybe this will all be the best thing that happend in our relationship afterall.

As for you good luck with your son and stay as strong for yourself as you have been for me!
You have really turned my thoughts around today.

There is no way to refuse to fund her addiction. We have a joint account; she would just do as she pleases and leave the account short for necessities like mortgage payments and other bills. There are too many ways for her to sneak money out of our accounts.

As to the sex, I can't stop that either. It hardly makes a difference whether she does it is in our house or a nearby motel, though truth be told, I doubt whether he will drive all the way down here. He doesn't have to, she has been the pursuer from day one, driving anywhere and anytime to meet him at a location convenient to him.

I did talk to my lawyer. We're both on the mortgage. There's no way to force her out without buying her out and I can't swing that.