Hello there NC, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm finally feeling a sense of closure for some of the things that have held me down; I've seen the doc and am starting AD's tomorrow; y'know, to help me get clear. I think that your H will soon discover that the situation he is in is 'no win'. You have to pick a place to lay your soul, and be free to talk about the damage, own it, and move on. I just finally hit that point where I no longer could go on as a doormat. It was too much to try and 'figure out' what he needed. It was time for him to put up or shut up. I've told him that I have been very close to telling him to leave and that I didn't want to see him for a long while. That, as you know, could spell disaster, but I was there--looking down the barrel and seeing that, at least, him leaving would be a step.
Be open and honest about how you are affected; give him something to think about--not idle threats, but the reality of the damage in your soul, and how you long to be whole again, but would prefer it to be while working with him. Contact with OW is slowing things down, and hurts you like tiny daggers, everytime they talk. It all does come to an end, it's just a matter of how long you can hang in. Take care of yourself, find yourself, love yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Thanks for checkin in on me. It's a beautiful thing to get compassion and care from those who don't even know you, so thank you.

With no commitment to MC or IC from H, as of yet, how do I communicate my need for honesty and openness from him? I got home yesterday after work, he had taken the day off, and he was no where to be found. I called H cell, was a bit snippy asking where he was, he responded that he was with my nephew looking at vehicles for his 17th birthday present. I was triggered because I did not have any idea where he was, and expected him to be home. This made him angry. He was distant last night, so I asked if anything was wrong. H responded no, fine, but I could feel the distance between us. I sent an email today, apologizing for the way I handled speaking to him, but not for his lack of communication about where he was. I dunno, I don't even know how to say what I'm feeling right now. I just can't believe that we are in this place sometimes and get mired in all of this crap. I feel like a frickin warden, and I hate that. I just want to feel some safety again, and wish, sometimes, that I could just give up and move on. I'm exhausted from battle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />