He's definitely still seeing her.

I think you need to talk to her H.

They may be planning something since he asked for the limited contact.

I definitely don't think you need to give up..

He sounds like the standard WH..caught up with the OW.

mimi, now you're scaring me. Do you really think? Hand on the bible and all?

Yep. I really think so...hand on the Bible and all.

Anyone else out there to help RL?

SO WHAT DO I DO?????

Compare notes with the OW's H, encouraging him not to tell her about your conversation.

Ask him if his wife has been missing in action. Tell him that you sense that they are in contact.

mimi, I did do that once about three weeks ago. The thing is, OWH is not good about keeping quiet. I don't think he could not tell his W. He's very jealous, who could blame him, says he will kill my H if he sees him.

Can't you encourage him to work with you in catching them in the act?

Explain to him that his method will cause them to go further into hiding...?

mimi,

what if they aren't seeing each other, and I stir up a big feather's nest for nothing, and get everyone all upset? I have no empirical evidence. What do I say to OWH? I think, but I'm not sure? If I'm wrong on this, I could really screw everything up.

OK. Just tell him that you are touching base with him to see how things are going in his marriage. There's nothing problemmatic about that. If your H finds out, tell him that you wanted to make sure that he is not continuing to see her. You have not caused any problems. They have.. by having an affair. You are doing what you HAVE to do to save your marriage. You are doing this because you care about him.

Any ideas for RL from others?

The OW in my situation was single so I can't relate to many parts of her struggle...

H came over tonight, bought a lawn mower (we really needed one). He mowed the lawn. I made him dinner, we ate with the kids. I tried to make everything normal, nice.

It went well. He said he was going to go to confession on Saturday (another reason I can't imagine he is still seeing OW, but maybe I'm naive).

Anyway, it was nice, but he was still cool and distant. At first he kissed me goodbye like I was his sister and I said so. He said "Are you my sister?" I said no, I'm your wife, and kissed him again. I asked him if he was okay. He said yeah. I asked if we were okay, he said yeah. But he sounds really depressed.

He is going to IC tomorrow.

Am I doing everything right, guys? I was so depressed today all day. I was praying he would come over today, and he did. And even though he is the way he is, I'm still hopeful. I really hope the counselor can help him tomorrow. They are Christian-based.

U c/b asking too much of him right now. He acts like u r his sister? If that's not who u r willing t/b, tell him so and leave him be. No kissing or putting him in the ackward position of him having to pretend u r his W. While u r his W, he is still a WS and most WSH's don't think they have a W and family.

Now there is a way 4 u to make your point w/o appearing t/b groveling.

JMHO,
L.

Now you see how you can listen to the TALK of a WS.

He wanted you to agree to have NC with him, right..trying to convince you to stop your PLAN A...

I'm glad that it didn't work for him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that you are doing just great with YOUR PLAN.

I still think it's a good idea to compare notes with the OW's H?

I still think that there is some contact with her. Exposing this would be a GOOD thing...

RT -

Did you get a call back from the Harleys?? Get on the phone with them and get a plan for yourself - sanity - then get a plan for your marriage.

You have no evidence of the A at all? Phone records, email, etc? Can you afford to hire a PI? Exposure is necessary here - it seems like it'd work well with your H whose conscience poke through one in a while.

Before exposure you need SOME evidence. Do you have it? Can you get it?

MDC, can'ta afford a PI. Besides I really just don't think he is still carrying on. I don't think. But I do wish I knew for sure. Can't get phone records. Anyone can open an email account, though I do have a password to his. Nothing's ever on it. I don't know what to do.

Assume he is in contact until you KNOW that he isn't. This is important. If you tell yourself he is not in contact then you'll start to trust him again. Very dangerous.

What about Harley conseling? Didn't you leave a message with them Friday?

Why do YOU think that he is not carrying on with the affair, RL?

Why do you thinkg that he recently request to have no contact with you?

If he is having ANY CONTACT with her at all, he is continuing his affair.

mimi, actually, HE didn't request no contact. I did. He was being so distant, so cold, that I thought we just needed a break. He agreed.

Then, after reading what you all said, I realized it was the wrong thing to do. And I called, and we've been having contact. He just seems lost and alone, and sad. He said he is going to confession on Saturday. I just don't have evidence that he is continuing the affair. And I have no real way to get it, if he is, other than to sneak and follow him around.

He is at a new counselor today, as we speak. He's a Christian counselor. He specializes in addictions. If you know my whole story, you know why.

Also, can you define for me a "false recovery?" I think we've had one or two.

Thanks.

False recovery is you think the A is over, WS acts as it the A is over. Seems to be doing the right things with respect to rebuilding the marriage. The A is still going on.

Example - a month ago, WW agreed that she would no longer communicate with OM. She was in communication with him via email and probably phone while she was at her MILs. Granted we could not have made much progress while in separate states. I was doing recovery-type things during this time with her. The recovery was false because she was still in contact with OM.

Recovery does not happen until A is over and there is absoultey NO contact.

Does this fit any of your percieved false recoveries?

What about the Harleys??

MDC, thanks for answering the question.

With me, H came home from out of state with OW (long story). After a long talk, he broke it off with her,and we tried to start recovery. We had one month of really good times, great connection. I thought everything was on the right track. Then suddenly, he tells me he's confused again. Still has feelings for OW. I admit I didn't know much how to handle it and probably blew it all out of proportion, which got us to where we are today. He is in an absolute fog, and I can't seem to pull him out. I'm not really trying, just doing the Plan A stuff, although he lives in an apt., so it's hard. Anyway, I thought that that might be what false recovery is ... you think you're on your way, and you back step. He did this twice, actually. I feel like a yo yo. I don't know how much more of this I can do. But I'm really trying. I do feel weak right now, like if I see him tonight, I might relationship talk. I just can't stand not knowing what the h*** he's thinking. The OW is married also.