No arguement here.


You know first hand as a BS that removing yourself from the daily torture is much easier said than done. I have boxes packed with her stuff lining our hallway, empty cabinets, empty walls. She is making plans and seems happy to move to her new place...your WW was the same way I remember. Didn't that take a toll on you also. Picture that feeling for months now!


How does it feel being seperated? You were obviously more open to dating and being with other women. I still can't believe how you are able to detach from your WW while she is actively involved with OM. I don't have the strength for that and it would destroy me futher to know my WW was in pysical contact with OM.

Have you ever talked to Steve Harley?

MrsW, why is it then that my WW seems to be unfazed by her A....like water rolling off a ducks back. There are many FWS here who are truly repentent and remorseful like dorry and yourself but what about those that are never remorseful. Do they feel the same anguish?


I don't have a response...will have to reread this again later

This is so accurate it's scary! The thing is I never thought of it this way until you pointed it out.


This part I can relate to for some reason. I can't understand why I'm doing it. It's not as clear as the first point you made.


Again, I can't see this.


This I can understand because I'm getting testier mostly with with my WW.


The detachment part is what is really making me feel uneasy. Is this why it become so easy for a WS to be without their kids when they suggest a seperation?

No and I don't want to go on them.

Hi - Hope - please don't do it. EVEN if you and the OW end up together - you will regret it. It will be a shadow and a trust issue that won't leave yoru marriage ever. I'm new here - but I got involved with my current H right while going through a separation from my ex. my ex was very physically/emotionally abusive - I had even in the eyes of my pastor cause for separation. But I didn't listen to those who told me to wait - to wait to be involved. I see only now that prior to separation - I was in an EA with my now H who was part of a small group at church, very independant into many of the things that you say this OW is hiking. Well we were into PA before my divorce was final. I got pg the week after my dd was born. 7 years into marriage and we still have issues. I still have guilt over the fact that I was involved before my divorce. That I truly didn't give time for God to change my X's heart on counselling/anger management. That I was pg when married and left a poor moral example for my children. I KNOW how it feels to go through ****** in a marriage - to be separated with cause to be so, so lonely and there is someone there meeting some of those needs. But I know now the other side - the guilt and the trust issues that never go away. Even if it IS the "right person" is is NOT the right time.

Honesly it usually isn't and to be honest - if I had allowed myself time to heal - I likely wouldn't be with my current H and he also has had incidents of physical violence with me "not as bad". I'm fighting for my current marriage he has stepped up and we are in counselling/anger maanagment - but there are things that will always, always impact our marriage - the guilt will never go away and both of us truly wish that we had waited until I was divorced AND had a year AFTER that at least to heal, to re-devlop my self-image -which ended up shattered even more than before with everything that has happened BEFRE we got involved. Then IF we were still interested - it would have been as 2 healthy people. My H when he got involved with me - his ex-girlfriend had cheated on HIM with another man and got pregnant by the other man - so he was going through stuff then as well. So we both KNOW what you are going through and from this end - if we could do over - we wouldn't have going down that slippery slope because for us - that was in 1997 and in 2006 - we still are dealing with the pain and guilt as well as for me - yes I ended up wtih someone who DID do many of the same things as my ex. So that can hold true no matter how opposite that OP seems at the time. When you are so hurt, so lonely, so foggy - you can't see right. Please - live married when married, IF you get a divorce - heal first. Do IC - learn to be o.k. on your own before you get into a relationship with someone else. You are not a whole person right now. No one going the breakdown of a marriage is. It's not the right time now - no matter what your WW is doing.

Shattered I replied on your thread. I've been thinking about you lately and was wondering how you were doing. Your absence (until now) had me worried so I'm glad to hear you're ok.

Stick around for a while...will you I want to catch up on your sitch.

Thanks for stopping by to help me through this. I'm not sure how this will end so I wanted to throw it out their before it was too late. I'm struggling with it and I now have a small glimpse of the earlier stages to the other side.

Isn't adultery wonderful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Three times and my WW once. She didn't like him at all.

This is what happens when Plan A goes on way too long!


That the problem, I have experienced so much pain that this recent positive feeling is flooding my senses.


I don't know if it is so much revenge as it is the feelings I am experiencing. What does cross my mind is...she did it and it doesn't seem to bother her, I need my ENs met and if it doesn't bother her maybe it won't bother me.

That is why the posts from dorry, MrsW and nb do make me think.


I do know the answer...I know it is wrong. There is something that keeps pulling at me to try and justify it.

noodle are you a lawyer...if not you should be.

HTW,


Ok, HTW you know this is crap it may not bother her now but it will.... Do you want the pain of knowing what you did when you wake up and have to pay the consequenses of an Affair? As far as EN'S needing to met all of us BS'S are i nthe same boat. I have not had any met for a long time myself almost year but that does not mean I go out looking for a fix just to make me feel better.... I am still married as are you.....

it just a quick fix it will feel good for the moment but what about in the long term???? You will not like yourself for doing this....

Stop trying to justify and rationalizing this HTW we all know its fog talk and we arn't buying it......

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT!!!!!!

I am not trying to bash you here, I do understand the need for companionship and wanting to be loved but this is not the way to do it..... You will only bring more misery on yourself in the end....

If you want ot move on do it right.... Divorce your wife, heal yourself and then and only then when you are healthy emotionally find a good woman to love..... You know thats the only right way to do this.....

I do feel for you I truly do, I do understand the needs but for now you have to keep them in check and live in reality... Reality is you are still married, even though your WW does not see it that way, God does........


Hurting

HTW...

Couldn't you just hear those same words uttered from the mouth of a drug addict?

Wouldn't you guess that this is what goes through a person's mind when they try CRACK or HEROIN for the first time? You know, the pain is why they tried it in the first place...as a means to escape...Aaaahhh and then the pleasure center of the brain lights up...

You would be wise to be weary of something that could so easily be interpreted as an excerpt from the conversation of a drug addict, wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W


P.S. I'll be back to answer the questions that you posed to me A.S.A.P.

As a FWW who is is current BW, I struggle with whether I am allowed to be as hurt as a faithful BS. Here is what ForeverHers said to me:

Your WW will hurt more than a 'regular' BS, because in addition to all the pain she will feel, there will be a crushing load of guilt as she blames herself (wrongly) for your choices. This will cripple her for a long time to come.

Not that you care about that right now. You should not do it because it is just plain wrong - FOR YOU!

And another amoral by-product of having this affair Hope, is this woman you are attracted to will become an OW.


RE: Anti-Deps

I didn't want to take anti-deps either. I was kicking and screaming vehemently opposed to them. I finally took them for 6 months and it made a world of difference.

I found out it takes someone strong to do the right thing, to realize I needed help for that short term to get through the worse part of this thing. To admit you need them is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Based on all you've written I believe you are depressed (situational depression). See a physician now and get a presciption. Do it for your kids. Aren't they worth it?

I noticed that the welcome mat has been pulled away at certain "establishments". Is this a result of speaking the truth and conveying my currrent struggle to everyone.

Is it that I am leaning to the dark side and have become personna nogratta? Well no offence taken here...I understand how this works.

HTW

No removal of the welcome mat here. Simply trying to knock some MB sense back into you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

HTW, the same thing happened to me at the same "establishment". It hurt and it made me feel hands had been washed of me.

Only one person from there has e-mailed me privately to see how we're doing. Private concern would have been very welcome.

Also, a member of another group I belong to had this happen to him. The woman concerned was definitely not interested in an A with a MM even though the marriage was nearly over.

It made him even more bitter but I'm assuming he's divorced now. He left the group and no one knows what has happened to him or the EA or the marriage.

Jen,

I would have emailed you except that I don't have your email and am also not that much into emailing females on this site. However, you and HTW got a very predictable response and frankly one YOU should have anticipated given the nature of this site.

That does NOT mean people will not help. HTW you have gotten a lot of responses what you do with them is your call. However, the advice to end the EA or avoid it at all costs is hard to argue against isn't it? You KNOW the pain of rejection, you know you could hurt this young lady, and most of all YOU will hurt yourself.

Jen knew this as well, and man did she get alot of responses to her post. In fact someone who knew her H's number called him and told him about contact with OM. Frankly, I can think of no more loving and caring act than that, and I hope Jen you have indeed thanked Mel for doing this. She gave you and Rob a chance one I truely HOPE that you both take and hang on to.

HTW, you know the drill, you know the reasons, you know you are married and you know how having an affair while married will affect YOU. I would bet good money, that your W will live to truely regret what she has done. I and others here don't want you even further hurt than her affair has done. Your affair WILL hurt YOU...believe it.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

AN, I know you're reading it. For Pete's sake, SAY SOMETHING.