It's the OM that says there's nothing happening except phone calls.

Can't put a keylogger on her computer at work.

ahhhhhhhhhh, gotcha. I misread and thought SHE was insisting they were just friends, but it was the OM. Never mind then! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What she has been saying is thet she has no plans to see him. That is a meaningless statement, because she could make plans in 2 seconds. In her phone conversation she tells him she will be up every Thursday this summer to see him at a motel.

Sorry if I have already asked this, but is this OM married? Can you expose to his parents?

Hiker - before I knew who the OW was in my sitch - there were some other "friends" from a singles board I emailed letting them know my husband was not "seperated" as he claimed, and that I was his wife and we had marriage problems, but were working them out and I had yet to be asked for a seperation...

My husband told me I was vindicitve, I would never change, I would always be out to ruin his life, that he will just tell everyone I am his crazy ex..5 days later - he asked for that seperation and I left for a month.

That was June 2 last year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We reconciled at the beginning of July...and here we are...18 months past my affair ending, almost a year past his affair ending, and we are doing good.


From what I am reading - you are doing GREAT hiker, and all her anger, lying etc are very normal...dont loose hope!

I don't think that you went to far.

Last time I checked a marriage is between two people commited to each other and each other alone.

There are some people that don't mind having an open relationship but if you are here obviosly you do.

I was thinking over the weekend about people who's WS is still active in an A. I know it goes against what is said here but if my FWW was insisting on keeping me in the lurch and not ending her A I think I would turn the tables on her at some point.

I might say I would like this to end but it is clear you want to have your cake and eat it too. I don't like it but what can I do. Then I would go on yahoo, match, adult friend finder right in front of her and pretend to find a date for myself. Then I would tell her that I have plans on Friday night so she will have to watch the kids. When she asked where I was going I would tell her I have a date. When she goes ballistic I would say "Why are you so mad?" I thought from your A it was OK for us to do this. You're not saying it is ok for you and not for me, are you?

I mean really the more I think about it this sounds really cool. We stay together but are able to date other people. I don't think your A would bother me so much if I was allowed to go out with other women as well. Heck I am chatting up a hot little 21 year old blonde right now. She thinks I am really great. She knows I am married and you are having an A and she wants to get back at her BF for cheating on her. My only concern about her is that she is a stripper but heck why not, its not like I am going to marry her. I have you here as my wife.

Anyway honey I will be home late on Friday so don't wait up.

Now when she blows up and threatens to leave you say "hey at least I am being honest about it." Then say oh by the way can you pick out some good clothes for me because I haven't been on a date since we met and I don't even know what to dress like anymore. God am I looking forward to Friday night.

Ok how cool would that be. I wouldn't really suggest it but I hope now you can see how you didn't go to far because you know she would never accept the above scenario. Don't think for one minute if you really said that she wouldn't be searching down you accounts trying to contact the stripper to tell her to stay away from "HER HUSBAND". And don't think for one minute you would get out of the house on Friday night.

Melody,

The OM's parents live out of the country. His wife knows about the affair and made threatening calls on my wife's voicemail, then my wife changed her phone number. The OM's wife is out of the country right now and I am trying to find a way to get up with her.

Dorry,

Thanks for your story -- it's an inspiration for me.

Hurtingless,

I have heard some people having luck with the forced jealousy thing, but I can't bring myself to go through with actually dating someone.

Exposing the affair to friends and family at least leaves you on the high moral ground; if you start dating, you have lowered yourself to the betrayer's standards. But I concede that it is a tactic that might work for some people.

Hiker,

Notice I said don't try this. I was just trying to show you how you hadn't gone too far.

Since my FWW A I had three rules. Treat me the way you would want to be treated. Expect the same reaction from me that I would get from you. Do for me what you would want me to do for you to make our relationship better.

I would not advocate doing what I said. What I have done is put her in my situation to see if the way I am acting is right or if I went to far. Would my FWW be ok with me doing what she is doing? If yes then I can deal with it.(I might not like it but at least she is being true to herself) If No then we have a problem. I use this now in every aspect of our M. I will not have her yell at me, for instance, if in the same situation she tells me it is no big deal when she does it.

Do you feel as though your wife is fence sitting, or are you seeing some progress?

Well, despite the angry outburst of last night by my wife for calling the OM and trying to appeal to his sense of morality to stop the affair, my wife has written me several friendly e-mails today. Seems inexplicable in one sense, but in another, maybe she is still not sure she wants to toss me away for the OM.

But we are about to get another major lovebuster when the OM hears from his boss about the letter I sent telling the boss about the OM's pursuing my wife on company time and calling with the company cell phone.

I'm going to get home early and remove all the breakables from my home office.

Honestly speaking my FWW is a renter in this relationship.

I am not fine with that by any stretch of the imagination but it is what it is right now.

She does not abide by the three simple rules. I don't like it but what can I do. I have found ways to deal with it though so at least I know what to do.

I don't see why you put it on yourself as far as the lovebuster in revealing the OM's misuse of company time and money. You are trying to save your M. You are doing the right thing.

I again point out that I would think she would do the same if she wanted you to stop an A.

Well, I'm not really taking her anger to heart. When you really think about it, it is ludicrous to hear her get indignant about my efforts to stop her adultery.

Just like it amazes me to hear her call other women sluts for similar behavior, as if what she was doing was somehow perfectly justified.

Hurtingless,

Are you going to Plan B her at some point, or do you think her affair will eventually burn out by continuing the present situation?

Hiker

God you are killing me here. Ok my wife has done the same thing. Passing judgements on others without realizing what she was saying.

About 3 months before my wife's A we had a neighbor. He was cheating on his W. A neighbor saw him kissing another women in the parking lot. Boy did my FWW have some harsh words for him.

After she had her A we found out the neighbors were getting a divorce. I had known about her A for about 3 months and at the advice of our MC we were going out together. One night wile we were out she told me about the neighbors divorce and she asked the neighbor if it was because he was cheating. She even said good for her. I guess she forgot she had an affair. LOL. Then it hit her and she said "well thats not the only reason they are getting a D."

He was a dirtbag and good for the neighbor to leave him but she was different. LOL.

I can give hundreds of examples about this type of stuff but what are you going to do. If it makes her feel better to belittle people for doing what she is doing so be it.

But to my original point see she does agree its wrong so I guess you are not going to far.

Right. Seems so bizarre that they don't see themselves as violating their own code of ethics.