Miss M...

Obviously I don't speak for any other FWSes here, but personally I don't give a fat rat's heiney about what the former OM thinks of me-I do remember a time when I did...I'm not gonna bash others for their feelings on this topic(I'm not suggesting that you are)we all have to work through these issues on our own timetable, but as for myself, I could not be more indifferent to OM...Honestly, when I even try to think of how I would wish to be viewed by him, I really come up with NOTHING-I've even tried thinking of different scenarios, but NADA...I can't wrap my microscopic brain around that at all...And I would say so if I "got" this line of thinking, I really would...

Mrs. W

Count me in on the FWS's who don't give a "rats Hiney" about other person! I don't know if it is easier for the H to put it behind them or if it's just me but I don't really care what the other person thinks of me. I actually hope she hates me that way I know she won't think she has a chance to come back into my life. I don't want anything to do with OW. Why would I ? She was the biggest mistake I ever made and now I have to live with that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> . I don't have any feelings for her. As for A's being like "addictions"...If I was a drug addict and finally kicked the habit, sitting here wondering about the drugs sure isn't gonna help. So how can one say they are over an addiction if they still sit and wonder about it! I think I can speak for me and Mrswondering (and probably your H) when I say I am A-free(drug free) and don't want anything to do with it again...not even thoughts!!!

Miss M - please dont confuse it with how I think about the exOM - I am 18 months out - and on 28 of 31 days I couldn't care or care less about it anymore...no hate, no love - just whatever...on the other 3 days i think about all the people I have ronged, and get guilt stricken for what I have done - all for him and how he made me feel, and the things he said to me. I have accepted that none of it was real - and even now - with my indifference to OM, I get sick thinking of the things I did, said...For goodness sakes - 8 months down the road after it ended, my husband had an affair and left me...hows that for the domino effect I started.

But part of preventing a repeat and change is recognizing some unhealthy patterns in my life - and one is what people think of me. I am certainly WELL aware of how unhealthy it is to care what OM thinks for me...like it's okay for me to think he is a selfish [censored] who is a serial cheat and a low human being, but in my mind, heaven forbid he think of me as a tramp or a Ho...and after 18 months, its only on 2 or 3 days a month now, due to me refocusing, and working on my own self esteem.

If I ignored the fact that I had those feelings, or tried to pretend I didn't because it would hurt someone, then who would I be helping - I WANT TO solve every piece of WHY in me let me do this. You see - I was one of those people who said - I would never do that - not me - I couldn't ever hurt someone like that - then I did it...and let me tell you - the disappointment I felt in myself - was UNBELIEVABLE - still is. I let myself down more than anyone else.

I do not want to take any chances of doing that again, so no matter HOW terrible a thought is - I analyze, accept it and work on it.

At 18 months past - I am still finding patterns in me that are destructive or dysfuntional and if you know me and my story and my posts - you'd kno I have figured ALOT out already...people are always shocked there is more to figure out - YEP - there sure is...


Iamsosorry,

I kicked the habit - but just like I kicked the habit of smoking...sometimes out of the blue - years later, I want one. I dont have one, but I remember it...and alcoholics too...why do they have to keep alcohol out of the house! Same reason. Some addicts - like yourself , perhaps dont have a natural addictive personalities, but some, like myself, do. So I am accepting that and making 40 billion precautions for it to never happen again...

Sorry and others,

I dito all the comments about never wanting to have another A with the OM or any other OM. I disgust myself every time I think about what I have done to my H. All FWS's who are truely remorseful have hit rock bottom in the self-esteem arena, agreed? I mean, it's actually a lot more than self-esteem, it's yourself as a WHOLE. Geeze this is difficult to explain....

The only reason I think about what the OM thinks of me, is so selfish it'll make you puke, so hold on for this one!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> There is a part of me that still wants to believe that what I had with OM actually meant something to him. Although I know very well "what we had" was a complete and utterly sick fantasy, it was real to me while I was in the A. Does that make any sense? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> So, my pride, my ego, wants to believe the OM thought he really did love me during our A.

Okay, that being said (and probably horribly done), let me make myself perfectly clear on this one point. I HONESTLY, TRUELY, SINCERELY DO NOT CARE WHAT THE OM THINKS ABOUT ME NOW. "NOW" is the key word there. I could care less if he's forgotten all about me, found a new squeeze, whatever. I guess it would be somehow less humiliating if I knew he sincerely cared about me while we were together. Why? Because the only alternative is that he was with me only for a temporary fix of someone to meet his EN's. He would have been using me. He would have been consciously aware of what he was doing, and I would have been the fool who fell right into his trap. I'm smarter than that!! I have higher morals and values than that!!

Allow me to quote myself here, before anyone else does:



Okay, so I just answered my own dilemma. This IS who he was, and still is. He played me for a fool. I am hurt and humiliated because of it. I have such anger toward him now that I can hardly breathe. So, why the f--- would I care if it WAS real?! The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is, it never was REAL. And that hurts like he11. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Hi KJ,

I'm early in recovery too (DDay 9/13/05) and I'm still struggling with a lot of the same feelings you are. I am ANGRY at OM and don't know where to channel this anger because it's my own [email]da@#[/email] fault. OM was a serial cheater who I thought was my "soulmate" (I had only had SF with H until OM.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> During most of my A I felt like a fool, and I continue to be angry at being played (although I continued to stay with him despite feeling this way... my choice of course.)

Dorry, you said you were angry at OM for at least a year. I don't know how much more I can take of this anger stuff. I am currently in IC and have been working on myself with books, self-esteem workbooks, etc. I feel like I've been making progress, but this anger thing has really got a hold of me. My IC keeps saying, "Katie Mae, what are you going to do with all this anger?" I don't know! Journal?? Keep doing what I'm doing?? I think she wants me to figure it out on my own... I just keep plugging away at my recovery work and spending lots of quality time with H (and our new puppy!) I don't like wasting so much emotional energy on OM, but it's hard sometimes not to.

I'm sorry about what happened in the diner... I suppose it was a blessing. Painful, but a blessing. I hope one day we also feel indifferent when we think about OM (or hopefully we'll hardly think about him at all!)

God Bless,

KM

Katie Mae,

Nice to meet you. Yes, we do seem to have some things in common. Notice how your MB name is your first and middle name, like mine?! Notice how we are a couple of very angry b1tches?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And if you just got a puppy, well then, we're practically twins!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You're doing one thing I'm not tho', and that's receiving IC. My H and I receive MC from SH, but haven't sought IC (well, we went twice). Sounds like maybe you should try a new IC who has some new ideas about anger mgmt.? Tell ya what, you get a new IC, and I'll find my first. Deal?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Ya know, I'm thinking a little bit of lingering anger isn't such a bad thing if it keeps us protected from ever exploring the A scene again. Know what I mean?!

You take care,

KJ

Katie - I do hardly think of Om at all, and I am for the most part indifferent - finally...but i do have the occasional time where it bugs me again...it takes alot of time, and alot of accepting, dealing and refocusing. My references to hoping OM didn't think poorly of me - are just that - references...for a long time it's all I thought about it - my anger and my hopes he wasn't angry back, and yes it was selfishness, or perhaps protecting myself from feeling even more than I was already feeling, as having the weight of FULL responsibility for the world around you is hard to carry - perhaps I could only carry so much at a time and anger for OM kept that part of it off me for a bit? i dont know the answer.

I do know that 18 months later...it's an afterthought that comes in on occasion....

Ok, I talked about this issue, this morning with Mr. W...me not caring what OM thinks of me now...Here's what we came up with...

I view myself as FAR MORE CULPABLE than the OM-I should have known better-It was my choice to get involved with him-I chose to escape into fantasy world and NO, nothing is REAL there-So sure he was a smooth talker-But, as Kari Jean says, "I'M NOT STUPID"-but I sure acted it, BIGTIME, and let's go ahead and throw in selfish, cruel and mean while we're at it...I am far more intelligent and successful than OM is (I'm not bragging or even putting him down, they are just the facts)...I don't hate myself now...I hate what I did...I hate the person that I was...I'm honestly not her anymore...My self esteem is getting better everyday because of the changes I've made...So perhaps this is why I don't care what OM thinks...No matter what he thinks of me, it doesn't affect my life one way or the other...

Mr. W also pointed out that I've known OM since childhood(he was my HS/college BF off and on for 9 years), so I pretty much have always known what he thinks of me...Maybe that's changed now, maybe it hasn't...What matters is that I don't care one way or the other...


Anyway those are my rambling theories...make sense to anyone???


Mrs. W

Mrs. W- Yes, that makes sense to me! I really don't care what OM thinks, either. I know how he feels. My anger is more self-directed... I'm mad because I was such a fool, and continued to be for a long time, even as OM kept lying and manipulating. I really felt I loved OM "purely". I've only been in love twice in my life, with H and with OM. OM is a serial cheater and I was his fourth OW. I'm so angry I wasted so much emotional time and energy on him.

Dorry- I also sometimes wonder if my anger towards OM helps me avoid other issues I should probably be looking deeper into. Maybe the pain is over my own weaknesses, and not OM himself. I'm so happy to hear that 18 months later you feel the way you do. I hope to get there someday as well...

KJ- I've thought about getting another IC, but I've been with her for over a year now and she knows EVERYTHING. Sometimes she's great, sometimes not. Do you read John Bradshaw's stuff? His work has helped me a great deal.

About my screen name... it's actually not my first and middle name! It's an interesting story.

I met OM at work. Two years before OM, I had another male co-worker who use to flirt with all of the ladies. H did NOT like him and did not like me spending time with him (sometimes we would all get together as a group after work.) I thought H was being ridiculous and blew his feelings off completely.

This co-worker gave nicknames to all of the girls in the office. He called me "Katie Mae" (I don't even know why, to be honest.) When I came to MB, I was trying to end my A and was an absolute mess. I remembered that co-worker and how I was unable to recognize his inappropriate behavior at the time, and how I totally disregarded H and his feelings. I looked back and thought that was the beginning of my moral descent, and Katie Mae was a good representation of my confusion, selfishness, and blindness. I've thought about changing it since, but I think it's a good reminder as to who I was then and how far I've come since that time....

Oh well, guess we still have our love for dogs in common! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best of luck,

KJ