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Believe me I know, I'm not showing my trueself, by getting so selfabsorbed in their crap, I need to get away. Now he has deleted his myspace account, good, for him,
Last edited by jjames30; 06/24/06 11:19 PM.
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Then go away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Come back on Tuesday and let us know how things went with Steve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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ROFL, HD...
JJ--you are as fascinating, intriguing and worth studying as they are. Turn your eyes away...I swear, this is what the bible meant when describing Lot's wife...don't turn yourself to salt over what you cannot control.
Center you upon you...and I know you know this...do you know you're worthy? Valuable? Priceless? You really are.
He is crap, JJ...he is a thief of lives...as is your WW. You are not. Stop stealing yours, 'k?
LA
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As in dont turn to the darkside, I know I keep saying it, maybe for reptition like learning spelling words in elementary school, he helped wreck my life as i knew it, so I feel justified, but 2 wrongs dont make a right, I am worthy, and valuable, I feel like i was traded down for a much used model, but thanks for everyone and all your help, I thank God every night for allowing me to find this message board. The hardest part is the waiting, waiting for the fog to clear, and waiting for the affair to end. Patience is a lesson I will learn.
Last edited by jjames30; 06/25/06 11:09 PM.
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Well today was her birthday, I sent her a simple text that said happy birthday, but no reply, she hasnt contacted me in a week, I feel like I'm the WS and she is implementing Plan B on me.
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Were you proud of yourself for texting, remembering? Was it an act from love?
Then stop there. Go no further. Do not look to response...out of your control. Look to you. Your evaluation matters...you don't know why she shuts you out, goes dark...do not guess. Do not know.
Flip around your statement so you can learn something about feeling like you're the WS and she's in Plan B.
Do you feel guilty of something? Like you caused her to leave? Do have an affair? Do you feel punished? Ignored? Discounted? Feared? Avoided? Powerful? Powerless?
Use that one statement and flip it all around...to get to the truth of it...the belief behind the feeling...
Like a jigsaw puzzle...helps with the waiting.
LA
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I didnt have an affair or anything, I know I wasnt a perfect husband, I did shut her out sometimes and not talk about our future together, bc I was fearful that I would fail us both, I did text out of love, I'm too logically about everything, and I know what I believe, I believe in truth and hers is in deception.
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Tell us how your appointment with Steve goes tomorrow. I'm curious about what he will say. In the meantime, hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> -HD
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Yeah tomm at 7 a.m. cant come soon enough, found out today that she had online divorce papers sent to her email, I'm not going to just sign some papers and get it over with.
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I have a question about exposure are email ok, if you dont see these people in person
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Talk to Steve first.
Hang in there!
-HD
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Had my first call with Steve he was very helpful in providing me with advice, and to help me understand my wife, and how to protect myself right now, and to try to get her to talk to him, and keep myself in the picture, bc i'm still her husband. I am more determined now than ever, just like I didnt spend 8 years in school to be a dentist bc it was easy, it was very hard but worth, these next few weeks will be hard but it is going to worth, this dog has not lost its fight yet.
Last edited by jjames30; 06/27/06 09:09 AM.
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What did he say about exposure via email?
You are her husband. Period. Truth. Hold onto that truth in the face of her fog, 'k?
How do you feel?
How are you doing this morning?
And good on knowing those divorce papers are nothing but bites...haven't been used or become real yet...probably won't. And knowing you don't have to sign.
LA
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Had my first call with Steve he was very helpful in providing me with advice, and to help me understand my wife, and how to protect myself right now, and to try to get her to talk to him, and keep myself in the picture, bc i'm still her husband. I am more determined now than ever, just like I didnt spend 8 years in school to be a dentist bc it was easy, it was very hard but worth, these next few weeks will be hard but it is going to worth, this dog has not lost its fight yet. Glad to see the call went well. Follow Steve's advice - whatever it is. He knows what he's talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> -HD
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He said hold onto the exposure for now, however I am stupid and read more emails, and she is saying hey babe sorry I couldnt take you suit this morning, like they are a freaking couple, we are still married, I cannot make sense of any of this.
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Did he make any suggestions about avoiding reading those emails?
Or did he tell you to keep doing it?
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JJ,
You are not stupid. You are into hurting yourself and you have to find out why...and why you would judge them as acting as a couple, even a freaking one, when they are playing...pretending...that is what fantasy is, JJ.
It isn't real.
Why do you choose to believe this? Over and over again, you are sabatoging yourself with fantasy, just as your WW is...why? What's your payoff? Are you trying to hurt yourself enough to let go? Get it over with?
Steve said you're married. You know you're married. You know they are in fantasy...please stay in reality.
Is it that you have lived through her eyes that you're willing to forsake what you know to be truth to follow her through her eyes, wherever she goes?
Your eyes are yours, JJ. They are worthy and valuable. Stay present, through your own eyes...know your truth. Stop stabbing yourself...you are not at fault...no punishment required.
Why did he say hold onto exposure for now? Did he say to protect yourself by not snooping? Are you going to rely on his advice or continue to follow your compulsions? That's what your WW is doing...living by compulsion...not a great way to live, is it?
Breathe, workout, walk, take in everything you see with your own eyes...choose your thoughts...examine your beliefs...know reality.
You can do this.
You're not alone.
LA
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He told me to hold off as far as exposing him to his family and friends, I don't know why I continue to snoop, just trying to understand, I know truth I am married, I don't know why I am holding onto the pain, I just want the pain to go away, I also get confused about denial, am I in denial that this isnt worth all the trouble? I think I'm going to go talk face to face with both of her parents tonight, I have already talked to her mom, but I think I should speak to them in person.
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Denial that this isn't worth all the trouble?
Are you saying that saving your marriage would be denial of something? Like denying reality?
Denial is about what is real, not what you choose.
You are married. Your WW is pretending she's not. That would be denial.
You have chosen to save your marriage...you determined it was worth a lot of sweat, pain, learning, understanding, research...if you decide differently, well, you do.
Truly, I could not have sustained Plan A without making my focus on myself, my part, finding my power and embracing my limits. I don't see how anyone can. That's my limitation of my experience. Each time I allowed my focus to zero in WH, I lost myself--my obsessive thinking sky-rocketed, looped at lightning speed; my resentment, anger, hatred, and pain shot up, equally, which powered my obsessive thinking, and I felt out of control.
Pulling my focus off WH and onto me, staying aware and present, filled me up, lowered all the other stuff, and reduced my pain greatly. Not through escape, just focusing on what I could control versus what I couldn't.
I found out I lived a life full of expectations, reasonable and unreasonable; that I believe I caused, controlled and cured others...that I earned love and others earned mine...that I believed if I was good enough, I wouldn't be rejected, ever...
And I learned I took on blame because blame felt powerful...if I could cause stuff, then I could cure it...and I found a lot of lies in myself and worked down to my own truth...
I found out I held onto pain and blame because I feared I would be invisible without it. I believed I was defective, made wrong, which meant I had to remake myself better to be safely loved.
I was blessed early in my Plan A...I was told I wasn't defective...couldn't be made that way...God doesn't make no junk...and I already believed that about everything but me...and I read books about why I believed this lie about myself, lived by it, and why this one lie kept me running in place...
LA
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I know reality I guess I'm just trying to force reality down someone elses throat, but I have no control over WW, and I forgot to ask him about reading her emails, but I can't do it anymore it just wrecks me over and over again, I'm just looking for a glimmer of hope that their fantasy is fading, but I must be true to myself, take care of myself, and sacrifice my truths.
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