I also think I react to things bc my stepmother is the OW, my sister just had another man's baby, after being married for 10 years and having 4 kids, now they are in recovery, and one month before i married my wife, MIL revealed to her that FIL was having an affair, I think some new curriculum in school should be a marriage class, bc I was definitely not set up to understand a good marriage or know how to have one. Oh yeah by the way I havent checked her email all day and I will be at the lake until tuesday, so no access, which is very good.

Yay to your first day of email sobriety!!!

Seriously...Yay!

Wow...you're surrounded. I was, too...and no, I had no idea of what a real marriage...holding yourself to vows meant, either.

Thank goodness for Dr. Harley and this website.

In one way, I view it as a good thing...because I get to make up the marriage I want (my half of it) fresh...and won't fail if I look around at my family's history. LOL. There's a lot of room to fall.

I agree about the new curriculum...I'll vote for ya.

Look at your sister as the model that says, people change, anything can happen...and owning your own stuff can be your road to redemption...rather than her poor choices. God gave us the power to pick our perspective...

pick wisely.

Same with your WW...she didn't know what a good marriage looked like, did she? Might have spent most of the last few years believing she got really lucky...and that luck doesn't last.

I think that's why Plan A, modeling the best spouse possible, opens our eyes to how amazing we can be when we go with our highest choice instead of our automatic inclinations...and why humans ripple around the world.

Wear a lot of sunblock...no physical injury when you can't emotionally cut, 'k? (Really poor humor..and worse taste...I'm leaving it in. Ack.)

You are in a family of humans...and love them, anyway. Did MIL/FIL recover?

LA

They didnt divorce, WW thinks they should bc they are unhappy, don't seem to talk to each other, MIL says she isnt unhappy feels like she should be divorced but doesnt want to and FIL doesnt really say much. I'm reading his needs/ her needs and the affair is starting to make sense at least why it happened, and how different people can be married, going to give it to WW like steve said and confident she will read it.

I sent her an email last night, to express my feelings on how I dont resent or hate her, but I'm hurt by what she has done and continues to do. I told her that I refused to be in a marriage that wasnt great or had the potential to be great which I feel like ours can be, I also told her that it wouldnt be easy but forgivness was a possibility and there was still an oppertunity for recovery. I really think it just all boils down to meeting each others needs and expectations. I am expecting no return email, just wanted to her to think on her own.

You go away for four days, and the you know what hits the fan. OM dumped my WW for another woman whom I guess he is going to marry, after she lent him her car which I think might have sustained some damage, and almost her entire money in her personal checking account, I'm very pissed off if not enraged at this OM and told him to stay away from my wife, bc I do not want to see a worthless individual like this person totally destroy a good person who made a mistake. But I also dont want to be the swooping savior to take her away and not let her face the consequences of her bad not just bad but idiotic judgement. Any suggestions?

All OP's are worthless individuals...they are humans in destruction mode...

It is a relief to be as pissed off as you are at him...not her. That's okay. She has her part...you have yours...and OM has his...

You nailed it, JJ...do not swoop in. Respect her capabilities and choices...these are consequences...

She is your wife.

Listen and repeat...with choice.

He didn't harm a helpless woman...she has her power...it's hers...

Listen to her plans now...do not assist. Do so, respectfully. Listen and repeat...can't emphasize that enough.

Most A's are like this...

What she chose to do...give him money and lend her car...they were her choices. Not marital ones. You're not responsible.

Know your rage has many ingredients...and beliefs. Somewhere in you, you believed that if this OM was better, could make her happy, then eventually, you could be okay with that.

Self-betrayal is mixed in that rage. Along with her giving away what is the marriage's...by professing there is no marriage...when there is one.

Still is.

Be calm, choose to act, not react...listen and repeat. Know that these turn of events are events...and what is now, is now.

Let us know what her plans are to deal with these consequences...keep posting.

Still here...in your corner.

LA

Call Steve immediately and schedule a follow-up appointment!!!!

I'm serious!

Now is the time for you to get on with recovery, but you will have to do things the right way - and part of that will mean to put your "taker" in check and swallow some of that pride. In a way, you do need to be that "swooping savior." Your wife needs you now more than ever - believe me, she knows the pain she put you through, and even though she may not show it, right now she feels incredible guilt and pain over what has happened.

I told you most affairs eventually end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Now, you want to be the one she wants back. Be that man, James. I know you can.

Call Steve now.

That's an order, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He can help develop a plan on what you can do and what you can expect in the next few days, weeks, and months. There are still many minefields out there that you will need to navigate, and you want to have the best guide out there to help you through it.

-HD

I will defintley call bc I think I have made things a tad uneasy with my text messages to OM.

Good.

And no more talking to the OM until you get w/ Steve as to what EXACTLY to say to him (if anything).

(I assume you have read Surviving an Affair by now and understand that the "no contact" letter needs to be written in a very precise manner).

No texting or anything until talking to Steve.

Hang in there!

-HD

I do understand the NC letter, however she isnt exactly calling me telling me she wants to reconcile.

That's exactly why I want you to talk to Steve. He'll know what to do next with regards to your wife.

He'll also probably remind you that texting the OM is not the best way to have your wife running back into your arms.

You really need to hold off on that for now...

-HD

I am I lost myself to irrationality, and anger, I knew this was going to happen, i wanted to prevent it.

James,

You have to really, really try right now to keep those emotions in check.

I would recommend, if you haven't done it already, to go to your doctor and get on some anti-depressants - at least for a little while. I was on them for six months during the worst of the recovery of my wife's affair, and it really helped to clear my mind and keep me in focus. You might want to consider it.

There is no shame in getting help when you need it...

-HD

I'm all about self introspective, but I'm tired of people telling me that I'm the problem, no I wanst a perfect husband but nothing I did warranted this type of behavior. Why don't people get that?

James,

I'm not saying that your behavior caused the affair. Dr. Harley is clear that the blame for the affair rests solely with the WS. However, you can say that you were a part of the conditions of the marriage, and that the bad state of the marriage led to her vulnerability to an affair.

But don't blame yourself! You weren't the perfect husband (neither was I), but you now have a chance to change that! Use the information on this site and in the books to change your marital behaviors and make yourself a more attractive spouse. Even if this marriage doesn't work out, it will help you down the road for the next one.

But for now, if you want to stay married to this woman you need to swallow some of that pride now and be there for her. She's not running to you now - but that doesn't mean she won't in the next few days, weeks or months. You NEED to be ready! That's why I want you to talk to Steve so that you can have a good and solid plan for if/when reconcilliation takes place.

You're not the problem - only maybe a small part of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I still say go to the doctor if you haven't.

It will help.

-HD

I am currently on antidepressant medication for around 30 days now, the mood swings have helped but the anger just rears its ugly head and goes off.

Give it a couple of more weeks. It took me six to get the full effect.

Make sure you're in constant contact with your doctor so that the right dosage/treatment is done.

-HD

You also just have to constantly keep in mind that "Angry Outbursts" are Love Busters.

I used to be the master of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It takes practice and effort to change those habits!

Always keep that in the back of your mind.

-HD

I'm not so much angry at her it is him for taking such advantage of her.

That makes sense.

It was once explained to me that it's often a transferrence of anger - it's a lot easier to be furious at someone you don't know than it is to be at someone with which you are trying to reconcile a marriage with.

That was the case with me as well. I transferred a lot more of my anger to him than to my wife.

But that doesn't mean I was perfect before the affair took place.

I still engaged in lots of "love busters" before the affair, and those are what you should be working on right now.

Be mad at the OM all you want - just don't do anything right now or contact him. Think of your wife and what you need to do next.

Keep your focus where it needs to be.

-HD