Sometimes it seems I take one step forward and two steps back, I have tried to contact her to say hello, but no reply, I feel horrible for getting so angry and feeling like my chance for redemption was there, I plan to be there for her, I show her I'm the husband she wants and needs.

I wondered about this...

"I'm all about self introspective, but I'm tired of people telling me that I'm the problem, no I wanst a perfect husband but nothing I did warranted this type of behavior. Why don't people get that?"

Am I one of those people? You took me asking you to focus on you as you being the problem? You heard you earned the A?

JJ...you didn't, couldn't earn this punishment. I had several A's and you know what? I didn't earn my H's...honestly. I don't believe this is something you can ever earn or make happen...it was your WW's choice. This is soul-ripping stuff...feeling pain brings anger...bunches of it...

The way out, the way back was to focus on what I could control...myself...instead of focusing on WS and all I could not control...

I measured and judged myself, also...one step forward, two steps back...added to my pain and anger...judgment. My expectations of how this person who knew me, I knew him, bit me again and again...until I got to truly understand, I could not control another human being on the planet, never did, never will...not in our human design...no matter how deeply I loved or was loved...

Your redemption resides in you. Really looking at yourself, who you really are and want to be...not as a cause, control or cure...just you, for you...that's what I believe.

If you believe you can't help AO's, for instance...then your belief systems says your WW can't help being wayward...has the belief that humans can't help when certain things rise above an imaginary line...get to whatever level...and then we are slaves to it, not masters.

You are the husband. Period. Your choice to be there for her, knowing your limits and power, evidenced in respect, the desire to save your marriage and choosing to love...was what I wanted to share with you...not blame.

LA

LA, that wasnt directed at you, it was directed at other people I talk to in person, more of a generality question, kind of like they are trying to control me and how I feel.

Thank you for answering me...I am going to begin asking it because I'm feeling it...not that you're believing it.

LOL

How confusing can I be? I want the direct path in my life...and could those others be attempting to tell you what they most would want to be told, if they were in your position? I used that as a rule of thumb...and ask, don't assume.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know...you could believe I'm telling you the same thing, and I'd still post to you. You have to be blunt and ask me to step off your thread. I don't scare easily...only myself.

Have you felt that before? Others trying to control you and how you feel? I used to...because that was my parents' way of showing their fear as love..."You shouldn't feeel this or that" "Don't look at it this way or that." Now that I review those parent tapes, I hear, "Please stop hurting...when you hurt, I hurt. I want to stop hurting."

Just thought I'd share.

LA

Your post are very helpful, here is another question during your time in your situation did your dreams haunt you? Like you had a dream about it then woke up and said oh it was just a dream, then reality set in and you said oh wait it isnt a bad dream, this whole thing seems like a bad dream and i'm waiting for the alarm clock to go off.

Yes...and I believe those came from my own expectations...life wasn't supposed to be this way...

I began paying attention to my dreams...writing them down. Seemed to help. Especially the ones I would wake up crying from...and it helped me to accept the day ahead, this was where I am...and I didn't expend more energy on my wishfulness...more on acceptance.

Seemed to help.

Maybe that is what drove my self-examination? Switching my obsession from him to me? Heed that carefully...I did 180's when I found something in me...and that was still sick...I'm slow getting to the 90 degrees...which is healthy.

Do you do that?

LA

I havent done any 180s just more of nothing, I know who I am and what I dont like about myself and what I need to focus on, controlling me, and not the situation, I look more towards validation in myself, but then I feel so bad for her like she is physically sick and want to help heal her. But then I know I cant heal her bc it isnt physical, but i can save myself from misery and pain, as long as I look into myself for the empowerment to do it.

You don't do any 180's...just more of nothing?

I see you're standing for your marriage...what you haven't done matters, too. You haven't filed for divorce...you haven't laughed at her for her present situation...or crushed pain into her as retribution...

You also haven't ended the enmeshment between you...because of your deep desire to heal her...knowing you can't. Compassion comes from an intelligent choice, I believe...not an empathy of what you would want if you were her...

What do you think?

LA

I guess I feel like I do nothing, I guess I feel like if you are married then you are one with each other and try to help each other along with protecting each other, I guess why I feel like I do nothing is bc I havent done any of those things, I have only felt like I have done bc of my beliefs and the belief in the marital intuition. I know I wont break my marital bond in this situation, I'm here for a huge learning experience, to gain all the knowledge in case i see a similar situation in other aspects of my life, of acting and not reacting,

Did you get "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend? I forget. Could answer your belief about being one...

Would you consider that NOT taking negative action is in actuality, taking positive action?

Marital intuition...wow. Talk to me about that. I haven't heard it phrased like that before.

I like your belief you're in a huge learning experience, not limited to marriage, but to everything.

I chose to believe that as well.

LA

One lesson i have learned by doing nothing sometimes is doing something, but its hard bc i like to have actions, but then no negative actions can be positive actions.

You like actions...I can relate.

When we first went to MC, my counselor asked me...

Are you a human doing, or a human being?

Stopped me in my tracks. I liked taking action and I found it related to my belief I earned love...felt in control, worthy, valuable...by taking those positive actions.

A signal.

LA

I feel in control when I take actions. At least I know I did something.

Are you saying you fear not doing something, taking action? Fear allowing fear to paralyze you?

You already know you're in control of you...all the time.

LA

I guess so, just knowing i did all I could, one thing i dont get is she knows she has been played and used by OM, but yet she continues to want to be his friend

of course whose place does she go to, his, i know i'm supposed to refrain from disrepectful judgements, but jeez this is pathetic she knows he wants to be with someone else and she is still staying at his house, who did i marry i begin to wonder?

Well here it is another sleepless night, bc I fell off the wagon and saw something I shouldnt have seen, know I feel like I'm back to square one and all my love for is starting to be slowly destroyed.

Have you called to schedule another appointment with Steve yet?

-HD

Friday is my next appointment.

Well after yesterday's fireworks, she sent me an email saying that we needed to have an honest conversation about what was going on and soon, but in a neutral setting, and if i was in the right frame of mind.