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I think I am. Everyone loves my boy's rooms especially.
Need help? That would be fun!
I went to work on that paper, but I can't access the journal online for my source--it keeps saying I am not a valid university library student. So, off to read the book on poverty that is due tuesday. Ugh! Going to bed early after a nice bubble bath sounds much better.
BW-me, 29
XH, 29
3 sons-now 6,4,2
Divorce final--Sept. 27, 2006.
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IAD,
I'm glad you made it home safe.
Thanks for your support on my thread. I'm not sure of my WH motives. I'm not sure if he is just uncomfortable being alone...or because he HATES that I had someone else do something for me around the house or because he misses the kids so much.
I hope he is sincere and his actions will follow...I really suk at plan B...but it does bring peace.
How long are the kids away....2 weeks?
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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I think I am. Everyone loves my boy's rooms especially.
Need help? That would be fun! I would love the help if you're offering. I went to work on that paper, but I can't access the journal online for my source--it keeps saying I am not a valid university library student. So, off to read the book on poverty that is due tuesday. Ugh! Going to bed early after a nice bubble bath sounds much better. Goodluck on your paper. I keep thinking about going back to school for my Masters but then I hear everyone talking about having to do papers, study for tests, etc and I'm just not sure I want to have to go back to doing that again. I still have nightmares about college and I graduated 11 years ago.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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I do hope your WH is ready to do the work of recovery ChaCha but just be cautious and don't break the plan B until you are 100% sure he is sincere. What conditions did you put in your plan B letter?
You don't suck at plan B, it is hard to go from loving someone and being a part of their life to having no contact with them. I know I shouldn't but I feel bad that I did not text my WH back to let him know I am ok, that I got home safely. It is so out of my character. I know he brought this on himself and this is what I need to do for myself and my marriage but it is still hard.
It was especially hard yesterday to pull out of the driveway without my WH. It was hard to see him standing in the driveway watching us, knowing he was crying. But at the same time I know he brought this on himself and he has not had to live with any consequences yet. It was also hard not to turn around and go get him when my children started crying b/c they miss their daddy and wanted him to go with us. But I am trying to keep the bigger picture in mind. They could have their daddy for that trip or I can put my foot down now and hopefully they will have their daddy back at home one day soon.
Just stay strong ChaCha, keep the bigger picture in mind and proceed with caution.
My kids will be gone 3 weeks. Then they will be back a few days and will be gone for a few more weeks afer that.
Last edited by InADaze; 06/10/06 10:35 PM.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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I just talked to SIL and she said that MIL called WH friday night to see how the drive to Arkansas was going. WH told her (are you ready for this!!!!!) that I had gotten mad at him and told him he couldn't go. MIL asked him if he had done anything to make me upset, he said no that I just got mad and wouldn't let him go. Then he snapped at her and told her that he had to go and didn't want to talk about it right now.
Hmmm.... R you freakin kidding me. I just got mad over nothing and wouldn't let him go. Is that what he really thinks? That I'm just "mad" and wouldn't let him go. Why didn't he tell her that we are no longer "together" or "trying to make it work", etc. This tells me that he thinks I am just mad and that I will get over it eventually. Jacka$$!!!!!!!!!!!
I see him at work tomorrow, I'm nervous but I am going to do everything humanly possible to keep from going downstairs. I think I am going to keep my office door closed also. That way if he comes upstairs he can't just pop into my office and corner me.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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How did it go today at work?
BW-me, 29
XH, 29
3 sons-now 6,4,2
Divorce final--Sept. 27, 2006.
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He just wrote me a letter!!!!
He is ready to meet all of my conditions. He has already broken off all contact with OW and told me to call her if that's what I needed. I haven't talked to him about an NC letter but from the tone of his letter I think he will agree to it. He wants to get together and talk about how we CAN make our marriage work and he has to give 2 weeks notice at his apt./security officer position. Then he will move home.
What do I do now? I haven't broken plan B yet, I don't want to make a wrong move.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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I've been following your Plan B, Daze. Excellent work.
Did he ask for anything specifically in his letter?
I suggest you agree to get together to talk - but maybe in a public place first. Go into this skeptical. Let him do the talking to guage his sincerity.
Don't do anything before getting more responses to get more opinions.
Good job!
WAT
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Thankyou WAT, I could not have done this without everyone here. I am actually scared out of my mind now. I've detached myself so much from him these last couple of days that I am terrified of letting him back in. What if he hurts me again, what if this is another false recovery.
What will it be like to live with him again?
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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What will it be like to live with him again? Well, not having lived whith him before - I certainly can't say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I don't think anyone can predict how it will be, assuming this isn't a false recovery attempt. Please remember that false recovery attempts are common. This shouldn't dampen your spirits - just keep you grounded. Your description of his Plan B reactions sounds like he was profoundly affected, which bodes well for a real recovery opportunity. IMHO In that I have no personal experience with marital recovery, I'm not equipped to offer how to advice here. Keep soaking up the advice from all others and you'll do the best you can. WAT
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Inadaze:
I'm not familiar with your story...
But I have lived through false recoveries and I'm living a wonderful almost 3 year REAL RECOVERY...
I suggest talking with him on the phone first and telling him about the need for a NC LETTER. Your comments to him should initially be very brief. "Of course, we can work on our marriage but ONLY after you have written the NC LETTER which I can read and we mail together. OK? Talk to you later." This was the advice that I was given by Steve. Initially, KEEP IT SIMPLE. You still don't want to meet any of his needs or to allow him to cake-eat. You want to be sure of his sincerity and don't want to in any way relieve his current pain.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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BS 42
WS 39
WH ONS 04/97 and EA ???-08/00
D-day for both 08/00
-Life is 10% what you make it...90% how you take it-
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IAD, WOW that was fast....be cautious. I've not been very good w/ my plan B but I think WAT had it right about meeting w/him to see what his plan is. Its up to him to prove to you he deserves a chance. Ask him for the NC letter that is a good litmus to test how sincere he is. This was from stillmakingithere on my thread: How you know it's for real.
Plan A was all about YOUR actions...negotiating a return to the marriage by fulfilling needs, exposing, cutting out LB's. Portraying the best W you could be, showing him what life would be like when he returned.
Plan B is all about HIS actions...
HE needs to prove to you there is no more contact and to keep you safe from this hurt.
Something I said over and over to my H was, "what will you do to keep me safe from this hurt?" The burden is upon HIM to come up with a plan.,..you are right...then you decide whether to beleive him and to accept his plan.
You can be very clear about his lack of integrity in the past. Think of this like filling out loan paperwork. How does a bank count on the integrity of the lendee? They check on them, have them disclose their life, make promises for the future about payments. DON'T accept anything too risky...
If he asks, then suggest the NC letter. He WILL eventually ask and you can tell him you will not accept him back without the letter. You can also request an open book policy...paswords, cell phone bills, etc...
These are all ways he can begin to rebuild trust with you. But rebuilding trust is all about HIM...if you ask for something and he doesn't fulfill it, or balks at it...understand that his priority is NOT about helping YOU feel safe, but about protecting his butt... With your kids away for 3 weeks this could really give you guys a great opportunity to get a jump start on recovery. I'll say a pray for you.
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Thank you ChaCha.
I keep praying for you too. Any update on your plan B?
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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IAD, How you know it's for real.
Plan A was all about YOUR actions...negotiating a return to the marriage by fulfilling needs, exposing, cutting out LB's. Portraying the best W you could be, showing him what life would be like when he returned.
Plan B is all about HIS actions...
HE needs to prove to you there is no more contact and to keep you safe from this hurt.
Something I said over and over to my H was, "what will you do to keep me safe from this hurt?" The burden is upon HIM to come up with a plan.,..you are right...then you decide whether to beleive him and to accept his plan.
You can be very clear about his lack of integrity in the past. Think of this like filling out loan paperwork. How does a bank count on the integrity of the lendee? They check on them, have them disclose their life, make promises for the future about payments. DON'T accept anything too risky...
If he asks, then suggest the NC letter. He WILL eventually ask and you can tell him you will not accept him back without the letter. You can also request an open book policy...paswords, cell phone bills, etc...
These are all ways he can begin to rebuild trust with you. But rebuilding trust is all about HIM...if you ask for something and he doesn't fulfill it, or balks at it...understand that his priority is NOT about helping YOU feel safe, but about protecting his butt... This is perfect. Bump
BS 42
WS 39
WH ONS 04/97 and EA ???-08/00
D-day for both 08/00
-Life is 10% what you make it...90% how you take it-
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[color:"red"]Plan B - 06/06/06 [/color] wow that was quick ! here's my BESTEST advice ~~~> CALL HARLEYS and make yourself an appointment.... then make your H an appointment with Harleys ... THAT in my opinion is your BEST chance of NO false recoveries! ((( hugs ))) Pep added ~~~>>> my H spoke to our counselor privately ... and after that meeting ... our recovery went well ... he was told to give me at least 2 full years to recover and to never question why it was taking so long !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/13/06 11:47 AM.
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I agree with Pep about counseling with the Harleys.
I also want to stress again the importance of not having too much conversation with the WS.
You want to make sure that this is not his way of gaining pain relief.
Even if he is serious at this point, if you spend too much time with him early on, he may change his mind.
You do not want to give him too much of yourself YET.
He has to do MOST IF NOT ALL OF THE WORK.
In this last REAL RECOVERY OF OURS, I continued to make it very difficult for my H to reach me and only gave him very small doses of myself (small pieces of cake..crumbs) until he REALLY, REALLY seemed sincere to me..
He was almost BEGGING for CONTACT with me...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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[color:"red"]He was almost BEGGING for CONTACT with me... [/color]
for emphasis
this is vitally important
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Thank you both. Should I discuss an appt. with the Harley's with him first or should I make the appt. and let him know the time and that I would like for him to talk to them?
I have not even responded to him yet about the letter. I have not broken plan B at all today. I was thinking that I am going to send him a text msg. letting him know I read the letter but I need some time to think.
None are more unjust in their judgments of others than those who have a high opinion of themselves.
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Make your appointment first ... then schedule WH's for a date following yours ... and him KEEPING the appointment is required to continue the reconciliation discussion
that is MY opinion
so yes, I'd book it for him following yours... it can always be cancelled
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