Talked to SH. He said before H can come home we need to pin down a definate plan of recovery. How we are going to work on our marriage, protect our marriage, keep NC with OW, etc. We need a plan in place before he comes home.
But before we start talking about a plan, he thinks H needs to talk to him first or atleast a marriage counselor. So I am supposed to request he speak to SH or other counselor and tell him we can talk more after he's had his session.

While I was on the phone with SH WH texted me and asked me to lunch. SH and I agreed that I should go to test the waters (H's attitude). H seemed "normal". Then not 15 minutes after he dropped me off he texted me and asked if I would come over tonight, he wants to hold me. I responded back "we'll see" He then responded back, "atleast it wasn't no". I'm pretty torn on this. SH said not to let down my guard very much yet so I'm thinkin the answer should be no, but this might be a good time to request that he speak to SH so then we can start making a plan.

I'm sure I know ya'lls thoughts...

Here's my idea

write down "the plan"

like on one of those "blank" cards you buy in Hallmark's

Dear WH

Here's the plan

1. you call Harley & speak to him yourself

2. we each list what we require in order to proceed further

3. we meet ( AFTER you speak to Harley) and compare our lists

4. we design a recovery plan starting with our lists

5. we follow up with counseling every two weeks for a minimum of 10 sessions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

something like this

I'd meet him for a very BRIEF coffee date

if he appears sincere

hand him the plan

see if he follows through by calling Steve

Pep

PS

don't spend more than 45 minutes with him the 1st meeting

IAD:

Your doing great....however, don't be the dieter who loses 10 pounds and goes to Pizza Hut's lunch time buffet to reward themselves. Your WH has "lost" his control over the situation. You have gained back control of your dignity and self respect. Please don't be "afraid" that your Wayward is going to change his mind so you have to relent on your boundaries. DON'T DO THIS. Harley is telling you to NOT let yor guard down. DON'T. Your making some great progress, but don't be lulled back into complacency. This stuff with your Wayward has occurred over 9 months (maybe longer)...so it CANNOT be fixed in a day, or a holding session (you know that...he DOESN'T).

DON'T let him manipulate you. His comment with "at least you didn't say no"...was clear manipulation. He is using the puppy dog eyes here. Maintain boundaries. A wayward who wants his family back, will do WHATEVER it takes to get that.

The advice above is excellent.

Lem

IAD
Thanks for sharing..I'm taking notes...sounds like excellent advice. I have an appt w/ SH Tuesday.

UPDATE!!!!...PLEASE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ChaCha--iad posted on recovery as late as yesterday. Hoping to hear from her more, too.

Sorry, here is an update from last Friday.

I have been busy at work today sorry. And I confronted OW today, you were right I feel like absolute sh*t now. She truly believes she has a right to my H and that he truly loves her. And she loves him and knows him VERY well!!! The affair did start before he ever even told me we were having problems. About 2 weeks before that.

I have so much to tell you guys but I don't have time right now. I will try to log on tomorrow.

He did tell me he misses me, he loves me, he is happy and at peace now. He did say he thought he loved her but he realizes he didn't and that she is not who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. But today b/c he saw her in the distance he is a little foggy again. But still holding strong and being honest. She sent him an email today telling him she was ok after our confrontation and he immediately forwarded it to me to let me know.

Anyway, sorry this is quick, I know you all are dying to know.

Here is another update from Thursday night and friday.

He does not want to send an NC letter, surprise, surprise!!! He doesn't see the point b/c if he wants to contact her he would or visa versa, no letter is going to stop it.

He's not sure he wants to talk to SH, he wants to go to a marriage counselor together that we can actually see not talk on the phone to. I am going to atleast try to get him to talk to SH once.

He is definately still a little foggy but not anywhere near what he has been the last 9 months. He has been brutally honest with any questions I have so far. He did email me the email she sent so that makes me feel a little better.

What should I say when he says that everyone he's talked to that have tried to work out their marriage after infidelity have told him not to do it. They all ended up divorced b/c of the snooping, guilt and distrust. He doesn't want to live his life that way. I haven't even brought up email, etc. I did ask him to delete her from his phone and he did and showed me.

He doesn't quite get that he needs to start putting my feelings first.

I didn't expect anything less from OW. It just makes me sick that she really believes he loves her and that she knows him. I really didn't pay attention to her boobs (can you believe that???) but her a$$ is huge. He wasn't kidding!!!! Do you know the cartoon, I think it is dudley doo right. He wears riding pants and they are really exaggerated on the sides. That is what her butt looks like. She is not that attractive. She also wears her pants too high waisted and too short just like his Sis said. I just wish he would see through her manipulativeness.

I know it is going to get bumpy, I just don't know that I'm up for it.

Here is update from yesterday.

I'm in shock right now!!! I don't know what to think or feel.

My WH kind of hit a wall the last couple of days so we started spatting a little yesterday morning. I went to work but felt uneasy so I went back to his apt. We started talking and he said that there have been so many lies over the years to me he doesn't even know if he could remember them all. I said anymore that have to do with another woman? He couldn't answer which caused me to push and now I'm in ****** all over again.

It finally came out, something I had always wondered about but he made me feel crazy, bi*chy and stupid for even thinking it. He had a brief sex only affair with my supposed best friend at the time. I felt she was trying to lure him into an affair and I ended our friendship with her and her husband. I found out Saturday morning that they remained in contact with each other for the last 3 years or so. Then yesterday he finally admitted the whole truth. She came on to him in my house at a halloween party we were throwing together. She asked him point blank if he wanted to have an affair.

I asked him if he had done it in my house and he said he wasn't going to answer that, so I assume the answer is yes.

We talked and that is why he feels it would be better to start with someone else. Someone that knows his history and accepts it. He says he will never do this to someone again but he feels he has done to much damage to me and I can never really forgive him. I know I can but I just hurt so much right now.

I feel like I am definately In A Daze all over again...


Haven't been ignoring your posts. I have been pretty busy at work Friday then the weekend I didn't have access to a computer and yesterday I took the day off. I knew there was something still bothering WH and I decided that I wanted to get it all out yesterday so we could really start recovery. Sadly I was right.

I'm not sure why you confronted the OW..that might have been a mistake..bad effect on you..and causes her to get sympathy from him while he remains in the fog...



Yes, definitely.



Foggy WS Bullcrap...IGNORE...



This won't be for months until after withdrawal...until withdrawal is over, the WS is foggy, still thinking he's "in love" with OW...

This is SOOO HARD, Daze...it's a LONG, LONG and WINDING ROAD...not just bumpy...

So I would say back into PLAN B. Wouldn't anymore discussions with him be enabling?