I recently found out that my wife still talks to someone she had an emotional affair with last year. I believe her that it wasnt physical but she doesnt understand how much it still hurts.

Unfortunately I found out that she recently spoke to him via email. She said she has resigned herself to a platonic relationship because of the two small childern we have. She said he was the only man she ever really loved and has never been able to reveal herself to anyone like that before not even to her husband.

About six months ago she did tell me about this affair to come clean. But she never let me work through it. She would get angry when I asked about it.

I needed to know more so I found out her password to her special email and have monitored it on and off for a while, then I see this letter out of the blue. First that she misses him, then that he was the only true love she has had.

She is diagonsed bipolar and has had some trouble with drugs and alcohol in the past few years. She is in therapy now and discovering she may be have molested as a child.

I love her dearly. I now know I wasnt there for her emotionally, in fact the opposite. I was so afreid of what might happen I tried to control her drug use and only drove her further away.

We now are getting much closer and communicate very well. I do feel she wants a trusting, committed relationship with me, but I now have this "lie" between us.

I glad I know, but I dont know what to do. Everything tells me not to expose my discovery, but it hard to keep it from coming out in subtle ways.

And someday I do want to tell her, but am afraid it will unravel everything.

HELP! I dont know what to do. I feel very alone and lost.

OneMan - what will unravel? What are you afriad of exactly?

We are working through the emotional affair she had. It has been surprising healthy and the closest we've been in years or even ever.

But before we starting to actually talk about it, we just ignored this pink elephant living with us. However, during this time, my buried pain came out in trying to control all aspects of her life and invading her privacy.

So... since we are making such good progress and I feel better than I have in months, maybe years, I dont want to jeopordize it by putting my betrayal in the middle as we work through her betrayal.

I know its wrong to keep secrets, I hated it when she did that. This isnt the right time to bring this up, but I am so confused if there will ever be a good time.

But if I dont come clean, can I live with it, will it come out in other ways. Am I just kidding myself?

sometimes the hardest thing to face, is the truth.

Is this man married?

No the other man is not married. He is 51, I am 41 and my wife is 33.

He is not really in the picture any more, lives in a different state and wife doesnt travel for business anymore.

However I do feel his is "on the sideline" and they she has and will email him when she gets depressed.

"So... since we are making such good progress and I feel better than I have in months, maybe years, I dont want to jeopordize it by putting my betrayal in the middle as we work through her betrayal."

In marriage, radical honesty means there is no privacy...someone here said it best...there is physical privacy..."I'm going to the bathroom by myself." You stay honest about what you're doing and that you're doing it alone...

Distinguish the two...you are not betraying your WW (wayward wife) by snooping...you are verifying HER truth...and she lies by omission.

EA's are powerful...and are a symptom of a person who will go to fantasy to self-soothe in unhealthy ways...when she gets depressed, wants admiration, attention, etc...all things you are in the marriage, as her partner...and a lot of what she hasn't learned to do for herself.

No betrayal involved...if you want honesty in your marriage, you have to be honest...

By not stating what you know...that she continues the affair with each contact (in any form), then you are participating in covering up her affair.

From first exposure...have you been doing recovery? MC? IC? Communication exercises? 15 hours of UA? Doing the questionnaires...sounds like you both enjoyed the relief involved in ending an A and finding in each other what one of you was getting from somewhere else...yet many of the important lessons were stepped over...

Would that be correct?

LA

After first expose we did little and things have not been good.

She was seeing a counselor but he was kind of a quack. She is now seeing a therapist. He is been great so far and is helping her a lot.

After the second exposure (where I read her email but didnt tell her) I have been working my Plan A and things are going better than I could have imagined. I have also begun seeing the same therapist and we hope to see him as a couple in the future.

But right now I fear telling her the truth, but in our talks recently I did explain that her continued contact with him is not acceptable. I guess I also dont want to tell her about knowing her email so I can keep monitoring it. Is this sick?

Sorry I didnt see IC and UA on the acroynm list. What are they? Where is the questionnaire? Sorry I am new here.

Also thank you to everyone, it means SO much to me that people are taking time away from their life to help someone they dont even know.

I dont understand, snooping in her email is not a betrayal of her privacy?

I do plan to tell her I read her email and found out she told the OM that she loved him even though she agreed nothing would ever come from it. However, I'm not ready to do that and I dont want to derail the progress that is happening now. Am I fooling myself?

Hmm, yes I see that now. I think she does suspect that I know because I couldnt help labor the point about communicating with him via email.

I do feel myself getting stronger as I learn more and participat actively, but I just dont think I am ready yet to confront her.

Read up on the articles here on this website...there are links to the right of your screen...15 hours of UA is Undivided Attention...read about the Love Bank, Love Busters and Emotional Needs (there are questionnaires for those last two)...and the Four Rules of Marriage, one of which is Policy of Radical Honesty...this will give you a better idea of why there is no privacy between partners in a marriage...

Your WW is in IC...individual counseling...and I think this new therapist might be your ticket, because my experience was having an MC who did IC, and both my WH and me used him and had joint sessions now and then.

Be prepared for the long haul, though...I completed mine after just a little over a year and half...

If you want to really have a thriving marriage, two years isn't unreasonable...gets through the crisis to a lot of personal growth stuff...

Do you believe you have secrets from your wife? That's okay? To hide communications, bank accounts...maybe old love letters to another person...hidden stuff? How intimate can you be, to know and be known, when secrets are called privacy?

I'll try to look up that post about privacy which laid it out succinctly...as you can tell, I don't excel at brevity.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are choosing your life, 1M...I respect your choices.

Now let's define exposure...I have a feeling that you consider it you knowing...and I understand then the first and second "exposure."

In Plan A, exposure is when you expose to her family, your family, etc...about her A and ask for their support in saving your marriage. It is an important part of Plan A...breaks the A...and I realize you believed it was already broken up...yet she emailed him...continuing the fantasy that she loves him (believe me all the way...she loves the FANTASY, not the person).

Breaking up an affair is breaking up the fantasy...it is bringing truth to light...brings reality to the fantasy...

How much have you learned in the last six months? I ask because in your first post you said she never let you work through it...which is impossible, because you choose and she can't choose for you...nothing she can say or do can not let you do anything...

You're half the marriage. You betray yourself when you don't see your power--your choice. Know when you choose...which you just did in understanding you're choosing not to expose and not to confront right now...go back and know your choices...and ask yourself, kindly, if you would like to choose differently...

Your intent must be pure...to rebuild a great marriage, based on what you want it to be...on truth, radical honesty, honor, cherishing, awareness and meeting Emotional Needs (ENs) and not Love Busting (LBs)...or a manipulative one, where you fear her reactions and make your choices based on her possible/probable response...which makes you slaves to each other, instead of two whole people acting as one for the marriage they love and honor.

Your choice.

LA

Thanks LA,
I guess I don't understand all the terms, but will keep reading.

I think of my first exposure about nine months ago when she told me that she had a relationship with a man over the past year or more while traveling on business.

She said she intended to have a one night stand, she was drinking and trying new drugs back then and her life was out of control. She recently also told me she wanted to get back at me because she was mad I wasnt there for her. She also said she was testing the limits to our relationship, she keep doing this, and I kept (keep) letting her get a way with it.

She told me that nothing happened that evening, that the OM (much older than her) told her is wasnt what she really wanted and that he had an STD. I do believe her and reading some of her emails helps me confirm this.

Thats when the emotional affair started. She probably found him wise and honorable. And this is part of the problem. I'm convinced she doesn't truly beleive the releationship is bad. That was absolutely true before we started talking aobut this openly and honestly.

Now she understands more what this has done to me, but I think deep down she still looks at the releationship as a very strong friendship, and something she has desparately wanted and wasnt getting from me.

What I call the second exposure happened about a month ago and is what set all of this in motion. I was snooping through her email because I have never been convinced she gave up on him. It has been maybe six months, but she reached out to him.

Things were going pretty good for us, so this made the knife right through my heart that much more painful.
She told him that he was the only person she truly loved and was never so revealed with anyone as him. She went on to say that if it wasnt for the childern she might leave the relationship and it was a hard thing to live with, knowing she could be happier with someone else.

I cant tell you have this broke my heart and how hard it was to just write that.

I know this is just a safe fantacy world for her, but that doesnt help me. To his credit, he did say that its easier to think the grass is greener on the other side.

This idea fills me with deep anger. I have provided for her and our family better than most. I have never cheated on her and have encouraged her career and interests. I have significanly cut my hours at work because she made me realize it was getting in the way.

I feel like a door mat.

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting of this type of behavior from you? Clearly she does not respect you and feels she has no boundaries. If you feel you are a doormat it is probably because you are and you realize it. Stop being a doormat. She does not respect you because you do not respect yourself. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

In the Love Busters section, you'll learn about Disrespectful Judgments...DJs...and I'm hot on them...I believe they are the sneaky toxin which takes down relationships...

They go two ways...harm your relationship with your partner, your children and your self. All are important. Understanding them, becoming aware of them and then eliminating them is a great choice.

I know you're in a world of hurt right now...and what I'm going to point out is not an attack...this isn't about you deserving, causing or being destructive with DJs...this is me showing you your power...and where it is doing harm to yourself. When we're betrayed, part of our pain comes from betraying ourselves...as if we could have stopped it...prevented it...because we believed in our partner...

DJs add to self-betrayal because what you do to others, you do to yourself...and there is no reason to punish your self...

"She probably found him wise and honorable." This guess work borders on an assumption/mindreading...which are DJs...unless she says that's how she viewed them...then it's an almost because you said "probably"...ask yourself what you believe and why you choose to believe this. Adulterers create a fantasy...and may have to see the AP (affair partner) as wise and honorable to coax themselves, deceive themselves...you know there is nothing wise or honorable about this person...can't be...he betrays...as I wrote earlier tonight...to be in an affair, you have to be a mess to be in a mess like this...live in fantasy to be one.

"I'm convinced she doesn't truly beleive the relationship is bad." You have chosen to believe a DJ...if she says she knows what she did was destructive, wasn't real...then accept that as her truth...doesn't have to be yours...but acknowledge her beliefs..and find out where it pays you to believe she doesn't see it as bad.

Now, judging her thoughts, feelings and beliefs is disrespectful...juding her actions is not. Actions are our shared truth...and your FWW being in contact with OM makes her back into a WW...which means, she runs to fantasy as a self-comfort device...you already know she believes in tit for tat, punishment for punishment...manipulation as a way of life because she owned that she wanted to pay you back for not being there for her...this isn't a DJ...it is what she stated.

"I was snooping through her email because I have never been convinced she gave up on him." There are two parts to this: you were snooping because you both hadn't agreed to being transparent for each other...and her earning trust back...which means she gives you all passwords, knows you can check her email, cell, anything, anytime...and vice versa. Being transparent is part of radical honesty...and it is a partnership...part of the recovery work from an A.

By her choosing to be transparent, you may have come to trust her more, little by little...you didn't have that...you chose to be convinced ahead of finding evidence she didn't give up on him...why would you choose that? In your new honesty and openness (in your marriage), did you share this belief? Did you state it and own it as your own? Share your fear of her repeating her choice, that you fear her putting her friendship before the marriage?

I ask not to blame...I don't believe in blame...just ownership...but to see if what you chose to believe was reflected back to you, kind of like contributing to engineering it to happen...because fear will push what is feared away...in really sneaky ways...just like resentment will attack what we resent...

Timeline reality...she was involved in a one-year affair...and had no contact for six months...withdrawal would take a couple of months and then lots of work from both you for recovery...recommitment, ownership, learning by reading the books, watching tapes, studying relationships and sharing discoveries...doing communication exercises and 15 hours of undivided attention...lots of recreational companionship...it's like getting a degree in marriage...takes work, can be fun...get to learn a lot about ourselves...

Takes 2 years to recover. There are setbacks...contact restarts the clock...

"Things were going pretty good for us, so this made the knife right through my heart that much more painful."

You believed things were going pretty good...your wife hid her pain and didn't share with you pre-A...things could look okay on the outside and not be...and you've changed and stayed aware, so yes, the knife went into the hilt, like a shock along with a stab...because you were caught unaware before and now again.

This isn't something wrong with you...it's DJing...I promise...once you really get how much you assume, read, interpret about your wife...like monitoring without words...and it leads to false living and knowing. Very dangerous. Just like an A.

You want to live authentically, honest and open. Choose to be that way...state you know she's had contact and say how it felt...share your belief that your marriage will not survive contact and hiding thoughts, feelings and beliefs from each other. Own that you have...

You can state you know and not state how you know.

There is no doormat in Plan A or recovery...and exposure means to you tell everyone...including OM's family...and you do it now, in one strike...that's how you choose to live in honesty and not in fear.

You're living in fear...of her taking it underground, hiding more...which leads to resentment, self-deception...all from fear. Live freely, One...you can do this.

To self-comfort your fear, you compare...you have provided better than most...more judgment...feeds your resentment and entitlement...like candy, is fun at first and leads to diabetes later...the more you use it, the more toxic it becomes...and this is understandable, you have been decimated all over again...crushed and torn up...absolutely.

And you were brave to type it, share and seek help. Know that. You are brave. You can change everything...by changing yourself.

"because she made me realize it was getting in the way."

Here is the most toxic DJ in your post...the one belief you break first to inject respect into your marriage and your life...

Your wife cannot make you realize anything...you realize it. She cannot make you angry, hateful, DJ, happy or safe...you are human in a human marriage. We don't have that power...we cannot cause, control or cure anyone else of anything...our feelings, thoughts and beliefs are our own...our feelings are valid...we have them...they are ours...and what we realize, know, find out or choose to believe is ours, also.

Respect her stuff...it's not yours. You can't make her and she can't make you...and you are her husband...the one she vowed to and the one she loves...because of two things...

Her presence is by choice.

And

You're real.

You are. You're not fantasy...you are real. Be authentic...revoke your permission to DJ...learn to listen and repeat...share yourself with "I" statements...own your stuff...you're real...you're worth it. You're worth everything.

You both have unhealthy patterns to break...and new ways to believe and live...you can thrive. I swear to you. You are whole, complete and marvelously made...know this...it isn't something she has any power over...she can not unmake you, erase you, annihilate you...know this all the way into your heart as your truth...so you won't feel decimated.

Though humans are made with this limitation...control...we are given a lot of power through choice...we choose our thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, perceptions...and we choose our code to live by...standards and boundaries. We have three realities...Freedom, Responsibility and Love...and they are wondrous...know you are choosing every step of the way...can't be made to do anything against your will or your goal...own this and you'll understand you're half of the marriage...

LA

Thanks for all the comments and for sharing your insight and their practical details.

The idea of radical honesty and complete transparency seems like an oasis is desert of stressed guardedness. I feel like I have used up so much of my energy on this secret pursuit.

I am letting my lack of honesty get in the way of our marriage. I now realize this. She has told me that things for the past many months have been going very well and that she is optimistic about our future. But because I read her email from seven weeks ago and haven’t said anything, I choose to not believe her. And I sabotage our future thinking that somehow I cant let her feel bad again or she may need another dose of her fantasy world.

I need to tell her everything. Here is what fear immediately sends to me when I think about this action.
1) She will get mad and not want an honest relationship with me, because I cant be honest.
2) She will think less of me because I didn’t come to her with male dominated anger.
3) She will feel sorry for me and give me pity rather than the true love that I want.
4) I will lose the only opportunity to “win her back” and see her write an email to him explaining what a wonderful person I am and that she cant continue hurting our marriage by maintaining their friendship.

I am also very attracted to the idea of “getting a degree in marriage”. I do feel like I’m just starting to rediscover who I am and want to do the same with our marriage. I also like the idea of taking this journey with my wife.

Right now I also fear the relationship she is maintaining with alcohol and drugs. She only drinks beer now and never drinks to excess. She also maintains friends that she can get pot from on a regular basis.

It is true that her actions with both of these substances have not gotten in the way of our family, but my fear of where it may go (and has gone in the past) is taking its toll on me.

OneMan,

Like I said in the previous post to you, give Steve at the counseling center here a call. He can help you get that "degree in marriage."

He will also help you in providing the right way for you to talk to your wife about this and minimize the reactions you fear your wife might have.

All the best,

-HD

"I need to tell her everything. Here is what fear immediately sends to me when I think about this action.
1) She will get mad and not want an honest relationship with me, because I cant be honest.
2) She will think less of me because I didn’t come to her with male dominated anger.
3) She will feel sorry for me and give me pity rather than the true love that I want.
4) I will lose the only opportunity to “win her back” and see her write an email to him explaining what a wonderful person I am and that she cant continue hurting our marriage by maintaining their friendship."

You're owning your fears, One...how brave and true of you to do. Consider your methodology...do you choose your actions based on probable response? If so, how is this not an act of self-betrayal?

Your truth is your own. Thank you for sharing you're seeing that now...takes being honest with self before we can be honest with others.

If you inject respect into your marriage, you will choose to be honest because being honest is how you want to live...in your own personal code. If you choose to be dishonest because of how your wife may or may not react, then you are a slave, not in control of your own life...and you're a slave by choice.

You married an adult woman...she is as capable, whole and complete as you are. She's your equal. She has separate thoughts, feelings and beliefs...respect those as hers. Respect yours as yours. They are equally valid.

As humans, we get to choose our own premise...to live respectfully, in freedom, responsibility and love...or to live manipulatively, acting from fear of response, plotting, reasoning, rationalizing ourselves out of those three realities...there's no freedom in it...your responsibility is only for you, your stuff, not hers...and when we react from fear, it rises...which pushes love down.

You can do this. You cannot control others...only you. Why do you think doing the right thing feels so powerful? Because you choose to do it not based on possible response...you do it because you value honesty, integrity and own what you own outright. It's living free. Respectful. Not from fear.

You said she may not want a relationship with you because you've demonstrated you can't be honest...try changing your words. You're human. You are as capable of lying as you are of truth. You lie. Does not make you a liar. Means you chose to lie by omission. You choose differently. No can't be honest in there.

Same for the affair...she cheated. She lied. She deceived you and herself. Doesn't make her a cheater...she can chose not to cheat, lie, deceive or betray.

What you work out in you contributes to your relationship.

You're half of it.

I don't get the male-dominated anger...I'm inferring you mean self-righteous indignation...which is still intimate, sharing thoughts, feelings and beliefs. You withheld yourself. What she expected or didn't, whether she respects or not, is not within your control.

We don't stay present with those we pity...pity cannot replace love. Gratitude cannot. They are perspectives. Love is a choice. Period. If you choose to believe you earn it, you can lose it; if you earn love, you earn anger, judgment, punishment...don't you?

Love is a choice we make and we make it a verb...we love loving. We do that in ourselves and no one makes us. We believe we love so we have feelings of love. Our choice. Owning that truth changes everything.

Know what you believe in you; your choices...respect hers may be different...doesn't mean pity instead of love. Your fear will deceive you to protect you...step out of that web. Hold your fear and act in spite of it.

You cannot win someone back against their will. She chooses to stay with you, period. You read her email and she's there. You are choosing to believe her fantasy words over the truth of her presence. You replay those cutting words again and again in your head, barring intimacy, honesty, connection. You're choosing to do that. You can choose differently.

There is a wonderful letter to OM in your future, One. It is a no contact letter owning she loves you and wants to work on your marriage. That she will never contact him again and asks that he not attempt to contact her. This comes after you are honest, act in spite of your fear, and show her she isn't carrying the burden of all of that which is yours...and you are no longer going to carry what is hers on your shoulders...you each have enough of your own stuff...and owning it makes all the difference.

Plan A is about exposure...sharing truth...and contacting OM's family with each re-contact is important. When you hid knowledge, you hid truth. You didn't want to lose your avenue of truth...and you didn't have to. Keyloggers can be reinstalled...passwords shared and transparency achieved. Takes honesty and truth. Choices.

You can do this. Do not submit to self-deceit for protection from your fear. Free yourself. You're worth it. You are valuable and whole, One. Know that and live from that belief.

In your corner,

LA

LA,
You are a wonderful person and there is a tangible comfort I feel having you in my corner.

You are so right. My actions and fears of late have been based on my hurts and my fears. When I look at the real me, the me before all this hurt, my actions would be different and without fear of the repercussions.

I have been thinking about this so much and afraid to reach what is a simple conclusion. Some of your words helped me see more clearly. Thank you.

I am going to stop snooping and continue this until I finally reveal what I know and what I have done. When the urge strikes me, I am going to try and say a prayer instead. I’ll ask God to help my wife and to help me remain the person I once was and want to be.

I’m going to choose to respect my wife as a separate being with her own beliefs and respect our marriage as a truly special and unique thing. I’m going to stop trying to be the man I think my wife wants and be the person that I am. For all of my flaws and that scared boy inside, God really did make me in his image.

“Love is a choice. Period.”
Now that is a bold statement, one that caused me to pause for a long time. Lots of feeling flooded in. I need to think about this for a while.


“You replay those cutting words again and again in your head, barring intimacy, honesty, connection. You're choosing to do that. You can choose differently.”
Yes I can, and yes I will. It’s so easy to give in to the pain, which then builds its own reality which in turn I react to. But I can choose to see it for what it was, a fantasy.

‘There is a wonderful letter to OM in your future, One.”
Can I attach a [censored] bomb too it so it blows up in his face &#61514; OK just kidding (kinda). I do look forward to this but I know I need to wait.

“You can do this. Do not submit to self-deceit for protection from your fear. Free yourself. You're worth it. You are valuable and whole, One. Know that and live from that belief.”
Thank you, this gives me both comfort and confirms what my true self is trying to tell me.

ROFL for the dear attachment to the no contact letter.

Great ideas, poor realities!

So I understand your intent...this email was the last contact...seven weeks ago? For the record...I would still snoop...and any further contact, IMMEDIATELY state "I know you have been in contact with OM. Any contact continues the affair. Restarts the clock on withdrawal...delays recovery by weeks and months, even years...and you lied by not telling me immediately."

No reason to state how you know...and do not tell. Say what you know...the facts...not the process.

Begin doing your own openness and honesty (O&H) "I feel" and "I believe" statements about you. Share yourself...this will build your honesty muscle, demonstrate your commitment to accepting yourself and others...

I'm excited for you, choosing to injecting respect into your marriage...knowing this enhances love, doesn't end it. Are you doing the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA)? Have you been talking about and doing a lot of Recreational Companionship (RC)?

Being safe to be shared with comes first, no DJs, AOs or SDs...this takes time, getting really seated in yourself, knowing your separate...this is the way to choose your actions and not allow yourself to react...lots of love bank deposits in there for you and for her...

You can enjoy your marriage fully...build back yourself from the betrayal...your part...where you might believe you should have been alert, known better, picked up on the lies or even prevented the A...build back that self-respect and trust...because you are aware, cherishing and you have a goal...and you didn't before, did you? Did you hold your marriage first in your life? Follow those Rules of Marriage, consciously, with loving intent? I know I didn't...didn't know the Harleys or their work...was clueless...now I trust myself, know and love myself...and my H.

Keep posting...you can vent, sorrow or rejoice...anything...practice O&H here...know you're not alone or weak or wrong...you are choosing to love, anyway.

LA

Yes its been over two months now. I have stopped snooping, but left that option open as I have not revealed how I am doing it.

One part of me wants to put this all behind us, because she did tell him that there wasnt any practical way to be with him and she wasnt willing to give up the kids. I know this is the wrong way to think and I know without a shred of doubt that I want a completely open relationship with her. Also I believe her when she says she didnt see how this friendship was a betral before, but now that we have talked about it, she does.

Therefore, I know I need to tell her that I found out about her last email exchange with him and how bad it made me feel. Its just right now she is in IC and going through some rough issues.

I have started to see the same therapist and its been great to openly discuss all of this. He is also a family counselor and will plan to talk with him as a couple.

We are doing some, but I dont think we make it to 15 hours a week. I wife is surprised by all of my openness and eagerness to increasing our intimacy. In fact it has revealed that she doesnt always know how to accept this.

We have a lot to do but I do feel was starting the process. I fear some setbacks, but I'm not basing my actions on these fears.

I do like being able to "talk" here and think I will post some feeling/questions in the General area.

One,

I've been away due to computer problems at home...still not fixed...ack. I'm working on it.

Wanted you to know I was thinking of you...sounds like you're setting yourself straight...finding your power...

Only one thing I'd like you to consider...when you withhold, because of where your wife is at, then you are making your choice about her circumstance. If you want to wait, know why and make it about you, your choice.

This may sound uncaring...she has rough issues to deal with...and my perspective, having been in her place, as well, is that those issues she's had to deal with all her life...now she is...in a healthy way. You won't get in the way, One...you won't. She's capable...as capable as you are. My urging to ditch the manipulative, for their own good reason for withholding is to ditch that intent entirely.

Not necessarily to tell. Can you see the difference?

If your intent is to be in Plan A, owning your feelings, thoughts and beliefs...respecting hers...and you're seeing your own inclination to say, "This because of this," and one "this" is in your control and the other "this" isn't...

Very human.

Worth looking at in yourself...no easy answer...just ups your own honesty.

You are in the process...and it's quite a process...I appreciate you posting, sharing, being here...and I saw your post in GQII...smart move, too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How often, may I ask, are you replaying her email words in your head?

LA