Do you keep in contact with OMW ? Do you know the status of THEIR marriage ? ( i.e are they trying to recover or not?)

As far as I know they are trying to recover. I only have access to OMW mother for information. They moved two hours away. On the surface, at least, they are making a go of it.

OK

If I read your sit right, your WW is still believing her own rationalisation that you are a bad husband and she is entitled to find happiness. Even if the affair is ended WS/FWS can self-reinforce their entitlement. If they recognise it was a skewed rewriting of the facts, you see, they have to consider themselves bad people. By continuing to blame you it helps drown out their screaming conscience.

Squid feared living apologetically if she returned to me. Many of my FWS friends have told me they feared the same.

It was my job, and it may now be YOUR job to live in a way that convinces your W that you want to TRY to forgive her and recover a better marrige than you had before.

This is hard becuse it involves a hard thing for BS to do - admit pre-A imperfect spousehood and repair it. It FEELS like we're reinforcing WWs rationalisation, but in truth what we're doing is demonstrating commitment to our spousehood in the face of terrible adversity. This is usually very effective.

So for you TF, I suspect locking up your taker with an extra padlock on the cage and ramping up your plan A for a short while longer is the way to go.

Hand in hand with this are the boundaries I mentioned to you before. A plan A without boundaries is basically being a doormat and that is not a proven technique for rebuilding a marriage.

So are you ready for the hard yards ?

* lock up your taker. Your time to have YOUR needs met will come again, but that is not now.
* Repent of bad spouse behaviours and learn new GREAT spouse behaviours ! Good fo YOU and good for FWW too !
* Cut down your personal boundaries to the fewest possible set and implement them. Remember if you will not divorce over persistent infingements of your personal boundaries they are not boundaries, just wishes.
* set about LIVING WELL. Keep a smile on your face. Dress well. Always smell nice and be as sexy as you can be around WW. Go out with friends, enjoy life. Make sure your W knows about this without being crass. This is GOOD FOR YOU and also good for your recovery hopes. WS hate to see BS living a good life and being attractive. It certainly helped Squid realise what she was throwing away ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There are TONS of resources on here regarding plan A, I can post up some of mine if they help.

Your situation is FAR from lost, OK ? Don't panic. Its all uninstinctive from here but recognise that and you can do it. Even I managed to do it. If a galoot like ME can MB then anyone can.

BP -

You should do this for a living! Ok - I'll work hard at controlling my taker for a period of time. I know I can do it if I know it will not go on forever. I'm going to depend on you to listen to a scream or two if I need it in the interim.

Thanks for everything Bob - I wish you the best.

Sorry I am replying to a bob Q, but I saw you were a MDEr and thought that it is nice to know someone close is going through the same thing. Everyone else I see is from far away.

ANYWAYS

"I can't understand why she won't forgive me for neglecting her the past few years."- some things take longer than others.

My H is just clearing the fog 6 months after d-day. And has yet to really admit that the A was a bad idea. AND I know he is not in an A still.

"If I read your sit right, your WW is still believing her own rationalisation that you are a bad husband and she is entitled to find happiness. Even if the affair is ended WS/FWS can self-reinforce their entitlement. If they recognise it was a rewriting of facts, you see, they have to considr themselves bad people. By continuing to blame you it helps drown out their screaming conscience." -good adivse from BOB. This is the hardest part. I feel so depressed at times knowing that the man I have spent my last 12 years with doesn't want to protect me from the pain he ensued.

"I'll work hard at controlling my taker for a period of time. I know I can do it if I know it will not go on forever. I'm going to depend on you to listen to a scream or two if I need it in the interim." - Look at my quote. at the bottom, I think that if you use this to base your thoughts around, it will make it easier to do what you are doing. It helps me regularly. Screaming out is exactly what I use the message boards for. I thelps clear and sometimes cloud my head withnew information. Overall I think it is more helpful than our MC went! Good luck!

excuse the sp erros I am in a hurry!

By the way I am not sure if you have, but posting more information about your sit might help get you the advise you need to get on track.

TF

Don't just TRY this : STUDY it. Its not something i made up. Willard Harley's programs have saved thousands of marriages. knowledge is your friend here. It REALLY helped me to realise that much of the stuff I thought was uniquely painful was in fact just symptoms of the 'disease' of infidelity.

All blessings.