My H has been cought in yet another lie. He does not know that I know about this one...

He told me he was going out with a guy friend tonight, but I found out that the guy friend has a company function.

I am sure he has lied to me b/c he is going out with his "friend" Traci...

How do I handle this one? Do I say anything? Do I ask him anything? What should I do.

I don't want my emotions and dissapointment to get the best of me here...

Would truly like some advice...

Thanks!!

Can you follow them or have a close friend do it??

If not look for receipts later on to "prove it to him"

Just a suggestion from a mewbie.

Blind

what plan are you in...

ark

He is very secretive about his receipts. We do not live together any longer... I cannot follow them - I am home with DD...

And she usually pays... So receipts would not help at all...

Do I confront him about this??

I am in Plan A, but it has been going on for a very long time. I am very good at Plan A at this time, although I have ad my ups and downs with it...

We are separated and he says he is hopeless about our M... I have also been hopeless at times, but I don't feel like I have fought hard enough...

I am just sort of at a loss as to what to do with the new lie. He has lied before, but I never cought him till after... So what do i do with this knowledge??

Allison,
can you update us here?

Are you still in Plan A? Dr. Harley recommends women not stay in it longer than 3 months.

Have you considered Plan B?

Did you ever expose at work?

Did you expose to his family?

call him and tell him you know...

tell him without crying
speak clearly of the pain it causes...

and the way it defines who he is...

and then plan for plan B in the very very near future...

ARK

I have exposed to everyone... And they no longer work together, but are still "friends"...

Plan B is very difficult. We have a DD (14 months) and I have yet to be strict about boundaries and not seeing H...

My H and I have tried to reconcile, but it didn't work very well. He was still lying and not respecting the M... He still kept his phone locked (I know they text each other all the time)...

I can stay very calm and confront him about the lie - and I will, I am just trying to come up with the right words, so he doesn't think I am psycho...

have you sought legal counsel to protect your daughter from exposure to ow

I cannot protect my dd from OW... Yes I have legal counsel - we are legally separated and have an agreement...

I assume that H has already allowed DD to meet Traci - I hate it, but I can't do anything about it...

I just don't feel he should still be lying to me... He knows that I cannot do anything if he wants to see her. I think he is just trying to avoid conflict with me...

But that sad thing is - I am more hurt b/c of the lies than anyting else... H has proven to me over and over that he wants to eat cake... I can't strap myself to the hood of his car and beg him not to go.

But I do feel I have a right to demand honesty... Think I will ever get it???

nope... not until he values honesty...

what's so difficult about plan B with exactly

The no contact... We have triend limited contact, but not no contact, and then we always go back to seeing each other when he come to see DD...

I just haven't been able to do it... I am not ready within myself yet, I guess... I am getting there, but it has been a struggle...

I want to set boundaries and I have - small ones, but he just won't do what I ask - he continues to manipulate and lie and I just sit here and take it...

I am well aware that I am a dummy for being so silly, naive, and tolerant.... I am sort of acting like a bit of a doormat allowing H to do whatever he wants while I raise our DD...

I just am not sure if I am ready for full blown plan B yet... It will be easier once he is working again - he got laid off and has just been hanging around like a dope...

I am quite resentful of him and angry with him, but a bit numb b/c I have been going through this since last September...

If he sees no hope in the marriage...why is he hanging around you and DD.,...
\
are you two doing things
dating eachother...

I guess I am not clear as to what you two are doing now...

does he say he doesn't want to be married to you

ark

Well, Ark, you are not the only one who isn't clear about what we are doing... I haven't asked him that last question in a long time. we do not talk about the M hardly at all...

I think he hangs around me and DD b/c it is comfortable and b/c I allow him to...

We are friends (so to speak), and have always had fun together and been very comfy with each other, so being together even during this time has been pretty easy...

I don't think he sees that the big D may be looming if he doesn't give up Traci - I have asked him to, but always says absolutely NO - he won't give her up as a friend...

I am just so tired of all his lies - he is acting very selfish right now... Spending the money he owes me and DD on "going out with the guys"... He is about 2 months behind on alimony and child support... But still has plenty of money to go out...

Every night i am here raising and caring for our daughter, while he is out being irresponsible...

time to quit dragging him around behind you in that little red wagon..

dear allison...
be brave..you are not the first nor that last to hold on to a cake eating fool....

but he owns that...

and the fact that he does not value honesty...should be enough for you not to show your daughter that having liars in your life and being accomodating to them is acceptable..

she will choose a man like he is...if you continue on this path.....

would you wish your existance upon her....

friend don't lie to one another...there is no reason to...

set yourself and your daughter free..

let go of that wagon handle...

lets hear your plan B letter..

ARK

Wow, I can't say I disagree with you at all... I believe all the above to be true and if I was ready mentally, emotionally, etc, I would have said goodbye a long time ago...

But as a new mom who has had her dreams crushed by a jerky H, I am lonely, and sad, and even the company of this lying, cheating fool, is better than nothing...

Holy poop - I can't believe I just said that... I just feel it is easier said than done...

I know you are right, along with EVRYONE else who has been guiding me through this journey... But darn it - I find myself not being able to let go...

I hope I will get there very soon... Hopefully with the support on MB, I can get my courage, and esteem up enough to give him the boot...

I have gotten stronger through all of this, but not strong enough yet...

OMG -- Sorry I ramble a bit... Just trying to get through today...

allison...

can you do it by days...

can you decide that asking him or confronting him on his lies is exactly what he expects...and that he will use it against you...

you get soooo upset
you get sooo emotional...

so can you not say a peep
a squeak...

can you NOT see him today...
and fill tomorrow with things...and see if you can't make it till sunday with NO contact...

can you try increments...

can you call your local Catholic church and find parents without partners group...

can you find a local support group for divorcing people and find a place to put your energy without telling him or committing to a thing....

can you....

ARK

Yes, I can do these things, but the question is - WILL I???

I find it very difficult to let go or get out of my comfort zone... I have done the research on pwp, etc... But have never gone..

My H uses DD to come here. I have told him that I need some space and that if he wants to see DD that he can take her out to the park or to lunch, but it seems as though he is using her to get to me...

But when i try to set a boundary he says I am trying to keep him away from DD...


The weekends are the most difficult time for me.. Used to be family time, so H still wants to do "family" things like going to the pool or a festival or something... Truthfully I want to go too, even though I know I shouldn't go and pretend to be happy...

The sad thing is is that I do feel happy when he,DD, and I are together - even though it's not real... Is that totally sick???

Alison - he is behaving this way because it allows him to keep TWO women on the string. He's got Traci and he's got you, and all he has to do is lie. And that's no problem for him at all, is it?

Believe me, he thinks he's king of the world with this arrangement and he will keep it up as long as you let him. Do you like being just one of his girlfriends? Part of a threesome? Because that's what you are.

This is why the folks here are telling you to go to Plan B. That way, you will be kicking away your part of the threesome and leaving WH and OW on only two wobbly legs. It will let you take back control of your life instead of letting those two run it, which is what is happening now.

Please consider Plan B and stop letting your lying "husband" and his girlfriend run your life and your daughter's life. Waiting and hoping for him to wake up and do the right thing is NOT a plan.
Mulan

Alison



He knows this and is using it to his benefit.....meaning he will continue to have his cake and eat it too b/c he knows you WILL let him.

Many of the WSs are manipulators. They know exactly what to do and when to do it. They know our weaknesses and strengths.

Do you have self-respect? You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. YOU need to take control of this situation. And the way you do that is by doing a plan B. This doesn't mean you are giving up on the M. This is your way to take control and save the M.

The feelings you are feeling are all normal. You would be amazed at how much strength you have. You don't know it yet b/c you weren't put to the test. But YOU can do it!!! You have to give yourself more credit.

Of course nobody wants to go out of their comfort zone but take yourself out of your situation for a second....what kind of comfort zone is it when your H doesn't have enough respect for you to even tell you the truth???

YOU CAN DO IT!!!! If you believe in yourself, it is possible!!

I say this b/c I, too, felt the same way you are feeling. My H was my best friend, my rock, the ONLY person I ever depended on in my whole life (I have a problem depending on other people). But it came to a point I realized I was worth more than being lied to over and over again. We separated for about 3 1/2 weeks. Did I think I would be able to do it, no. Did I do it, yes. I planned things with my family and friends and I was just fine!!

Now, it wasn't a total plan B. We still had communication. He was not still with OW. I just needed to set some boundaries and show him I wasn't going to keep putting up with his lies.

Was it hard, you bet!!! But guess what....I WAS IN CONTROL!!!

You can do it and when you realize you can, it will be the best decision you ever made!

just my 2 cents

--Sarah