JMHO?

And let me understand you. You think that I should contact OW's H and expose the A. Even though I think that it is over? And if I am right and it is over H will be very angry and possibly leave.

What do others think?

JMHO = just my humble opinion


Yes.

Yes.

You may be wrong. I cannot count - certainly can't remember - the number of times a BS wrote here that they were pretty sure the affair was over, and later found out they had been hoodwinked. WSs in the act are very desperate and devious to keep their fix.

Further, your H has not sent a NC letter. Maybe because you haven't brought it up.

Why do you say this?

If he gets very angry, it's because he hasn't decided that the affair was the stupidest thing he's ever done. If he hasn't decided that, he's no better off than if the affair was still in progress. To truly commit to the marriage and rebuild, he has to hurdle this obstacle - eat some humble pie.

EVEN IF, he gets angry, he won't necessarily leave.

EVEN IF he leaves, this doesn't mean he leaves for good.

Finally, think of the other husband. How would you like it if the roles were reversed? You knew something wasn't exactly right in your marriage but you couldn't put your finger on it. Somebody knows your spouse is in an affair but makes a conscious decision NOT to let you know. What would be your first thought when you finally found out the truth?

cfc - no one knows exactly what will happen when you tell the other husband. None of us knows how much he already knows. Nothing to everything. He may be guilty of not telling YOU! No one knows if he or his wife will attempt to contact your H. But, if the affair is still in progress, this will certainly happen - and your H will be madder than a wet cat. But the cat will be outta the bag.

So I suggest you ask your H to write a NC letter that you will deliver. When he declines, this won't necessarily mean anything other than he has not fully committed to the marriage - which you already know. BUT - if he agrees, that's the signal that the affair very likely is over and provides the opportunity to also alert OW's H because you will deliver the letter.

Bottom line - if the affair is really over and he really wants to rebuild the marriage, he should jump at the chance to demonstrate he wants nothing whatsoever to do with the former OW.

JMHO

WAT

"If he gets very angry, it's because he hasn't decided that the affair was the stupidest thing he's ever done. If he hasn't decided that, he's no better off than if the affair was still in progress. To truly commit to the marriage and rebuild, he has to hurdle this obstacle - eat some humble pie."- I know that the affair is not the stupidest thing he has done. He has already told me that it was marrying me when he was very foggy. LOL

You are right. I guess i am just beginning to enjoy that things at home ar ebecoming settled for my children and I again. H in the past two days has started making an effort to meet my ENs for the first time in a loooooong time. Plus his B-day and Fathers day are this weekend.


I know I am rationaling things, but overall you are right. I will talk to him about this tonight so that I dont' ruin the weekend.

Thanks

H and i had a peaceful argument (is that called a discussion?) I told him that I wanted him to do certain steps to pass this stage of mistrust. At this point he stated that I could follow him around all day long, check phone bills, ..... whatever I wanted to have him prove to me that he is being honest. I asked him to write a letter and he said he would. I know he is done with her. Why is he not remorseful?

Well, good!

Did you specify that you would deliver the letter? You review it, too, right?


Well, this takes us back to your original question on this thread. Assuming the affair is over, he may still not have come to terms why it happened. He would have to admit a mistake and perhaps he has difficulty doing this. Many people do.

Another idea I didn't mention eearlier is that maybe she ended it, not him, and he's still pining for her. But this is pure speculation on my part - just to offer another possible explanation.

I suggest you not dwell on this for now. Seize the opportunity to take the NC letter step. Your marriage did not go to he11 in a day and it won't be rebuilt in a day, either.

WAT

thanks. I know she stopped the SF because supposedly she was beginning to work on her marriage with her husband, but they were still talking regularly until I put a stop to that. I told H that Ea is more hurtful than SA.

I hired a counselor today. I hope this will help this time.