Great advice all around, CL...

Only, what happened to your lovely Plan B letter? Why the in-person visit? The two hours of torture?

And this? What's this?

"She said she can't talk to anyone, not her father or aunts or friends...because everyone knows what she has done. I told her that wasn't true - that she was choosing to not speak - that these people love and care about her. she said she didn't want to here people telling her what she should do."

That's not listen and repeat...with choice...that would have been this:

"I hear you are not choosing to talk to anyone because they know of your affair, both at work and with your family."

Stop there. No arguing...your rescuer isn't dead...he's sneaky.

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Demonstrate you are not the cause, control or cure...by your words and actions. Her stuff is her responsbility...yours ends at the lawn. Inform her of when and where it will be for her to pick it up. Same with the car. Seriously...she chose to leave...to have an affair...you did not. Whatever her circumstances, they are not of your choices, but hers.

Do not ask her to move home at all...or if she's considering it. Close that door. State, "When you choose to end your affair by not contacting OM ever again and recover our marriage, I will welcome you home with loving arms. Your daughter will rejoice, I'm sure."

That's it. Hard habit to break...necessary. Closing the door is respectful, not cruel...I think you have them mixed up. Getting in the way of her choices, the consequences of them, is disrespectful, and I believe, cruel.

Setting times for her visits with DD..."You can spend time with DD from 2 until 4pm next Saturday." Up to her to get there and spend the time and get a way home. Period.

Respect her, CL. She's capable...listen and repeat with choice. Do not find out about her life...only her address for the separation/divorce service. Go dark, CL. Do this for you and your DD...for your marriage.

You may have to slay the steed and wear black. You're a diehard.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And you're great...just so you know that.

LA

P.S. Stop self-betraying and you won't feel abundantly awful...only moderately...there's a big difference.

really hard habits to break i mean REALLY. when she asked about the car - i almost jumped to her call...then i stopped and thought about it. and thought no friggin way lady - yer nuts.

and wow i think you were reading my mind- i was just about to ask what you all thought was going on with OM - lots of questionable stuff happening it seems??? But i guess i won't ask that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i have already decided i would not allow her to come home at this point - if she asked - we would have to TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY SLOW - if at all...she would have to take care of herself for awhile - support herself - prove herself to be trustworthy to D and me - get IC and MC.

i thought i listened and repeated well - CRIPES <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> tough stuff.

the plan b letter is printed and ready to roll - just gotta send it - although i have no idea where she is living.

what i really don't understand is why she doesn't even check in on d. I would be calling everyday...saying goodnight to her before bedtime, etc...i just don't get it.

yeah the old steeds gotta go to the glue factory

i will send the B letter in e-mail - disregard my lame - i don't have her address...i had it in my head it should be mailed - but e-mail is good...duh

i do agree with SD though - i think eventually she is going to crash and burn...

one last thing...we have not discussed divorce yet. i don't think i should have to pay for this...but i will file i guess if necessary

i didn't want tell her to contact any attorneys to file until after she signed house papers...thought?

i called my attorney yesterday to find out where the heck the deed papers were - said they were drawn up - they were just going over the wording and would have it in the mail this week...

cl...get that Plan B letter out while things appear to be shakey for her and OM. He's not coming to her rescue, and neither are you. Let her know there's a way back home, but not, absolutely not until she makes the decision to go into NC with the OM.

She needs to know that her decisions are jeopardizing her relationship with you and your DD. Copy your parents and hers, and explain to them precisely what the Plan B letter is for, to protect your love for WW, and to "force" her to a decision, by denying ANY of her EN's to be filled by you, which places that burden of responsibility on the OM.

You might even want to copy OM's W, and explain it to her, as well. It doesn't appear OM is capable of filling all those needs, and the burden of doing so might send him into looking for an escape route, thereby forcing WW to crash, and agree to your terms for returning.

That's how a Plan B works, and now is the perfect time to execute. Are you strong enough to remain totally dark?

Think about it...
SD

ws informed me she is living with om...but she loves and cares about me and still wants to do things with me and d together (ha thats a joke) I told her this was not love - not care...

she is signing deed and dealing with the car with me tomorrow...then i will go dark.

Plan B letter done, mailed? You hanging in there ok, cl?

Thinking about you and your sitch....

SD

In my prayers, CL...my pc at home is on the fritz...which reminds me, was supposed be to my first granchild's name...and after years of dreading it, since it won't be, I kinda miss it.

Oh, and yes, I'm thinking of you...can you tell?

LA

Hey CL. I took a break from MB (and a lot of things) for awhile to get my head straight. I've been wondering how you are doing and it seems as though you are starting to get where you need to be. I still feel as though I am reading something that I could have written myself. All of the enabling, etc. I know I don't have the insight that most do here at MB, but I figured I'd share a few things with you since our situations are so similar (less DD...I do not envy your position there).

First, I like where you are finally heading with the enabling. I continued to do things for WW even after I had moved out, we had begun divorce proceedings AND OM had basically moved into my house. It only made me feel worse about myself. I finally took a step back, drew a line in the sand and haven't crossed it since. Why do I want to do something nice for someone who so openly and blatantly hurt me? Why was I trying to remain friends? Who cares what she thinks about me! She doesn't want me as an H...she wants me as a lackey! WS's will take as much as you are willing to give. The second you stop giving, it gives them at least some sense of reality that there are consequences for their actions.

Second, I can totally relate to the "I'm the bad guy" schpiel. WW CONTINUES to tell me how guilty she feels. I have so many things I would love to respond with, but I maintain silence. I no longer feel bad for her pain. She brought it on herself...on top of that, she gave me a lot of pain too. She should feel guilty! She left a very good husband looking for greener pastures. I recently told her in an e-mail that I doubt we will ever be friends again. She responded by saying how much it hurt her feelings because she values my friendship. I don't even think she realizes how ridiculous she sounds. I guess as long as I remains friends with her, it will allow some part of her conscience to be settled. My point here is, it is one thing to have compassion, it is a completely different thing to cave for the sake of others. Put yourself and DD first. No room for compromise. As long as you don't obey that rule, you are going to continually fall back into that rut and get hurt again.

I definitely agree with SD about some CL time. I have a friend living in Costa Rica, so I went and visited him for 4 days. It helped me more than I would have ever expected! I was able to clear my head, spend time with an old friend and find myself again. I realized that I will be okay. Sad to say, but I am actually counting the days until we can file the final paperwork (a week from tomorrow...but only because the 4th is a holiday).

I am not trying to encourage you to give up on the marriage. Mine is over, and I going to be better off because of it. Like LA says, love is a choice, and the second that I saw the truth in that statement, my life turned around and I haven't looked back. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn't there. WW was not the same woman I fell in love with. She did not possess the values and integrity that I insisted she did. She turned her back on everyone and everything that ran counter to what she wanted. She stopped speaking to friends who told her she was wrong. She lied and exaggerated to family in order to convince them that this was the right decision. Where are the values or the integrity in that?

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you know exactly where I am coming from. The main message I want to leave you with is that you will be okay...no matter what. You will enjoy the weekends again. You don't need WW in order to be happy. Stay you ground. Accept nothing less that 100% of all of your demands if she wants to come back. She is in no position to bargain. YOU hold the cards, not her.

God bless, and keep us up-to-date.

Lost (I think I should change my name...I definitely do not feel lost anymore!)

Please...could I have an update, sir?

LA

Another bump...yeah, I'm shameless. LOL

LA

This is my exercise...bumping stuff up...better than throwing it up, I guess.

LA

Count me in amongst the "curious minds" who want to know how things are going for you, cl. How about an update. Plan B put into effect? Working?

SD

^nother^bump^

Thank goodness that bumping isn't actually physical...or I might have bruises.

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LA

Hey, CL...

I was thinking of you, just know...wondering if you had ever wanted to edit real life, instead of manuscripts...

I want to right now...I got a heart crack...'cuz AmI's WH is fogged. I don't want to edit her Plan B letter...I want to edit her life...make his entitlement lowercase...punch, I mean punctuate his resentment run ons and cleave his lack of respect into two parts...so this character could be revealed.

::::

Wish we had an update...I first remembered your Plan B letter...so I was also showing a path to one...by coming here, and pouring it out...my wishful child. I know what my limits are.

Please check in, 'k?

LA

Bump...yeah, I'm an optimist...hear me bump.

LA

I feel like that old commercial by Dunkin' Donuts..."Time to bump for CL"

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LA