It has been almost 11 months since Dday and I think Plan B is the only option now. I have been doing Plan A for about 9 months and a really good Plan A for about 6 months. I am now wondering if my Plan A wasn’t too good. There have been several influencing factors over the past few weeks that have gotten me to the point where I can’t take this any more. My path to recovery has stalled. WW will not go to MC or IC and is just hoping things will eventually get better. I think she is still in withdrawal as well and only stays for the DDs. I have been willing to tolerate that until more time had passed. Lately I have seen a few supposedly recovered marriages turn south. Since my M is not even close to recovery, it has created some doubts in my mind. I also saw a thread last week about what FWS’s did to protect the feelings of their BS’s. It made me realize that my WW doesn’t try to protect my feelings at all.

The most important factor is what happened last week. But first, let’s go back to a little over a year ago. My WW was having a PA here with the DDs’ swimming instructor. It was difficult for her to find time to meet him but she is quite creative. At that time, my DDs could not go to sleep at night without drinking a glass of warm strawberry milk. My WW goes to the grocery store at least 4 days a week. She never has planned more than one day ahead for meals in all our marriage. Some days I would get home from work and find the kitchen full of grocery bags with food to be put away. As soon as I walked in, WW would run out the door with her keys and say she would be right back. She had to go to the store because she forgot strawberry milk. That is the only item that I can’t say – leave it and go tomorrow. Strawberry milk was mission critical at that time. A trip that should have taken 15 minutes would last for 2 hours. I suspected something was going on back then and I used to sit in a chair in the driveway and wait for her. When she got back she gave an excuse about how she ran into a friend in the store and they got to chatting. I just remember how angry that used to make me while I sat and waited for her and then had to listen to her explanation.

Back to last week. She had a luncheon to attend on Wednesday with some friends and had agreed to take pasta. She couldn’t come up with ideas so I recommend that she take her pasta salad and lasagna. She thought that was a good solution but decided to wait to go to the commissary here on Tuesday to get all that she needed. [I should say we already had weekend (i.e. Thursday/Friday) plans to go into town for other things. She called me Tuesday afternoon to tell me that she had to go to Safeway in town because there was no lasagna pasta in the commissary. That seemed a bit strange but I asked her what all our plans were for the weekend in town and, after talking about them. I suggested we just do it all that night and get the lasagna pasta during the trip. She agreed and I asked her to call us a taxi and pick me up after work so we could go into town. She called me back a few minutes later and told me that there were no taxis available and would have to take the bus. I said okay. She picked me up after work and I took her to the bus stop. She told me to make the kids dinner when I got home and give them a bath (it was 4:15PM) and I asked her how long she was planning on being in town. She said not very long. She would just buy the pasta and take a taxi back. That shouldn’t have taken much more than an hour. I left her at the bus and drove home. I just had some nagging doubts so I drove back to the commissary and found a whole shelf full of lasagna pasta. I bought a box and went home. I did fix dinner but did not bathe the girls. Instead I sat in the driveway in my chair and waited 2 ½ hours for WW to get home. I was furious. When she finally did show up, I confronted her with the lasagna box and she said she must have overlooked it. I asked why it took her so long to get home and she explained that there were several traffic accidents and she had met a woman on the bus and they started talking and did some other shopping besides the grocery store. Everything she said was plausible. But I told her I simply didn’t believe her. I asked if OM had come to town for a visit. She denied it. I told her I was not upset about the A but I was upset about being lied to. I am not stupid and her continual lying is total disrespect for me and my feelings. She said she might stay in Mexico and not come back during our vacation. I said that might be a good idea. She swore on her children she was telling the truth. She offered to let me smell her underwear and her nether region to see if she smelled of sex (we learned that from Maury Povich). I declined.

I was still upset about all this. Do I believe OM is here? Probably not. Do I believe she could be telling the truth. Yes it is possible. But she hit a major trigger for me and all she is upset about is that I won’t believe her and she is frustrated that there is nothing she can say to make me believe her. I told her that a year and a half of lying had that effect. How can I know when she is lying and when she is telling the truth? I can’t. The next day I discussed this by email with ToddAC and he agreed it was suspicious but suggested it might not be a good idea for me to take the DDs to Mexico. This got me worried. I had a talk with WW and told her that I was in full agreement with her staying in Mexico and give both of us time to decide if we really want to stay married or not. I told her that I was concerned that she might try something underhanded if I take the girls to Cancun after Disneyworld. She said to not take them. She said she would go alone and I should take the girls somewhere else. I never even hinted that. It was all her idea. I agreed.

Then things quieted down and we had a peaceful weekend. We got back to our pretend marriage and being nice. Yesterday I stayed home with the flu. WW is busy planning a luncheon for moms from DD1’s class for this Monday. I slept most of the day and felt bad but she came into the bedroom looking for recipes and she was telling me all about her menu. Then she said she was planning a desert of cranberry pecan pie and ask how that all sounded. I said “what does it matter to me? I won’t be here”. That upset her. I asked what she was upset about and she said she didn’t like my comment. I said it was not intended with any ill will. I was just stating the obvious and she knows I don’t like desert anyway and I certainly don’t like pie.

I then said I wanted to talk about the vacation plans again. I asked if she had booked her flight to Cancun yet. I told her I was not sure if DDs and I would fly to my mother’s house or drive but that we should go ahead and buy her Cancun ticket. She got upset and said that she really wanted the girls to go to Cancun. I reminded her that she herself said they should not go and that I did not trust her. She asked what she could do. I said that, between her and SIL, they could try to prevent the girls from leaving with Mexican Immigration (who can be easily bought), she could talk to DDs and invent some story so that they would refuse to go back home and to school or she might even hire someone to have me killed. That is also pretty cheap in Mexico. She asked me what kind of person I thought she was. I told her I had no idea who she was. She asked if I thought she was capable of such a thing. I replied that I never thought she was capable of an affair but she proved me wrong. I have no idea who she is.

We have 6 weeks until we head off to Disneyworld. I don’t want to take the girls to Cancun. They are excited about going. I have told WW we need to start talking to the girls TOGETHER and explain what is going to happen. Since this is just separation for the moment, I suggested we tell them that MIL was hurting and WW needed to stay and take care of her a little while. WW agreed to this. I would like WW to have some time away and with her family to think about what she wants for her life. I want her to see what she will be missing and decide if that is something of value or not. What I think is that I have been SO nice to her that she has been allowed to remain in her fantasy with no adverse consequences.

All I know is I can’t take any more. Every thing she does now just irritates the heck out of me. We went to play golf on Thursday and I opened the fridge and found three of her soft drinks cooling down. We pre-cool them before putting them in the ice chest. I didn’t find any of mine. I told her that I would have put her drinks in and I thought it was petty that she didn’t put mine in. She said she had meant to but got distracted and forgot.

Whenever we used to have big fights (since Dday), I always tried to look forward and see if there might be a way to resolve the problem. I always stayed hopeful. Now whenever we fight, I start rearranging furniture in my mind. Where will I put her exercise bike? What about the computer? [we will need that room for the full-time maid] Can I get the Bowflex in the bedroom? [it is in the garage at the moment] I even have a spreadsheet made out showing pluses and minuses of WW versus housemaid – and housemaid is winning.

My WW is no where near committing herself to this marriage. She is still fogged out in withdrawal. I cannot take any more or I will start hating her very soon. I need her out of my life until such time as she decides what it is she really wants. Sharing custody, visitations, etc. are no problem. I just need her to make a decision. It is time that we both get on with our lives. That can either be together or apart but I am leaning more and more to “apart”. I think Plan B is extremely necessary.

Now I need to work on a Plan B letter.

Piojitos - Sorry to hear that things are not going well -

Have you read the Dobson thing? Here it is -

Nothing is more inspirational than the uniting of two unique and divergent personalities in a marital commitment that will last for a lifetime, with God’s help.

Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends to the end of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable that the Apostle Paul, under divine inspiration, chose it to symbolize the unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church. We could spend a month or two just thinking about the implications of that wonderful analogy.

Unfortunately, a depressing number of today’s marriages end on a less inspirational note. Indeed, Western nations are witnessing a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships. A recent study done by sociologists at Rutgers University concluded that the institution of marriage itself appears to be dying.1 I shudder to contemplate what life will be like (and how children will suffer) if the researchers prove to be right!

The agony inflicted by divorce cannot be overstated. It was this tragic situation that led me to write Love Must Be Tough, which continues to be one of my most popular books. It addresses not only marriages in distress, but concepts that will strengthen less troubled relationships. Let me focus my comments this month on the most important among them.

The standard approach to marriage counseling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb. I’ll explain why in a moment.

Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one’s life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a “stranger”… a competitor ... a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.

If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage.

Let’s look for a moment at the other half of the relationship — focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface.

Long before any decision is made to “fool around” or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects.

Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.

Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.

To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I’m sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, “I think I’ll die if you don’t marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don’t turn me down,” etc.

Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, “Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I’ve only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I’ll go straight out and kill myself!”

This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to “sell himself” to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn’t love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.

If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: “John [or Diane], I’ve been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn’t face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can’t be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I’m reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I’m aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead.”

Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can’t believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn’t necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more.

“But there must be a catch,” he thinks. “It’s too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she’ll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She’s really weak, you know, and she’ll crack under pressure.”

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.

If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously “grabby” lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:

The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this mess?” he now asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
This recommendation is consistent with the Apostle Paul’s writings in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace.” Paul is not authorizing the rejected spouse to initiate a divorce in these instances. He is, rather, instructing a man or woman to release the marital partner when he or she is determined to depart. The advice I have offered today is an expression of that scripture.

Yes believer I believe you posted that to me once before. Thanks for reposting it though because I think it is timely. I don't think I was ready to accept that before but now I am. I am not saying divorce. I am saying indefinite separation. I have thought long and hard about whether I would have the resolve to stay this course but now it is no longer about resolve - it is necessity. I can no longer live with this WW as she is. I am losing all good feelings for her and I am losing the love I had left. I want to separate before we get to "the War of the Roses". She is doing nothing for me and has done nothing for quite some time. I think she needs to get away and clear her head and decide what she wants to do. She can go to OM, she can come back to SA under certain conditions (1) I also agree it is what I want, 2) she passes a full STD screen, 3) she is not pregnant), or she can stay in Mexico and create a new life for herself. Her choice and I don't want to influence it. I just want her to decide. If she does come back to SA, it will not be easy. It will still be a long road to recovery if she does.

Piojitos,
I thought it was a major pain in the butt to keep all that crap up for just 6 months. How did you make it to 11?! =) Maybe I am biased, since our stories seem so similar. But I would tend to agree that it sounds like a good Plan B is in your best interest now.

Believer,
That’s a good article by Dobson. One of my friends suggested something very similar to me before I even knew that WW was in an A. But I fought to hold on. At least I improved myself in the process. But man do I wish I would have opened that cage door early on.

Piojitos,
Seems you have the same legal concerns as I do regarding children leaving the country. Do you have rights in Mexico? I do not have rights outside of the US, so I am forced to use D as a means of locking down my access to my children. Maybe she will still view that as being trapped; but I am not willing to risk losing my children.

All the best to you!
--d2m3b.

pojitos,

Do NOT let your WW leave the country with the girls.

You are looking to give your DD's a good stable home, right?

Seems like your WW is much involved in DD's life.

Looks like Plan B, with you having primary custody of DD's might be in order.

Might bring her around. But please don't let your DD's leave for Mexico without you. I am afraid you might lose them.

This is my main concern.

If you really have done a great plan A then this is the next thing you need to do. (Plan B with custody of kids)

Your DD's need stability. Seems like you might be the best choice.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Well my friend, there is no question in my mind that a change was overdue. WW going to Mexico starts a Plan B I suppose and such a plan would be diifficult to implement without WW physically leaving SA.

The clearest problem with her going into town when the commissary had the noodles was her insensitivity, ala the French riding instructor. Only she knows what took her so long.

I recall a Friday that my WW was three hours late coming home from work. I performed the Povich test and she flunked. It is difficult to imagine a more sickening feeling. And no, it was not a proud personal moment of triumph.

I wish you had done the test as well. It would have battened down some impossibilities.

It seems to me that it was time to knock things off dead center. I hope Plan B can bring about positive and productive change to your marriage.

Miss M,

I am seriously looking for advice on the Mexico question but let me be clear on the plan.

We are all four leaving from Saudi Arabia to Disneyworld on July 31st. We have ten days there and then had originally all four planned to go to Cancun to visit her sister, mother, father, etc. at the sister's boyfriend's timeshare. Then we were going back to the USA and then all return to Saudi Arabia.

Now, WW and I agree she should stay in Mexico. We have two options.

1) We all four go to Cancun for a week and then DDs and I fly to the USA and then later to Saudi Arabia.

2) WW goes alone to Cancun and DDs and I remain in the USA and visit family before flying back to Saudi Arabia.

Option 2 was suggested by WW last week. Now she is suggesting option 1. I am hesitant. DDs are US passport holders so I don't think there is anything she can do legally to bar the children from leaving Mexico. My concern is what she might try to do illegally or emotionally. I don't think she is an evil person but I never thought she would have an affair either. A mother abandoning her children will be a difficult thing. Her mother will be all over her not to do it. So will her sister. I am very concerned about what could happen in Mexico. I also know that my DDs are very excited about going to Cancun. They love Cancun.

Piojitos,
I suggest that you speak with an attorney regarding you DD’s travel to Mexico. Maybe you could be protected simply by negotiating a custody plan for that timeframe and having it signed-off by a judge. Hopefully an attorney could advise you if the Mexican authorities would honor the US courts.

I really REALLY suggest you not to put your self into situations with unknown outcomes. Just as ToddAC suggested… I wonder if she could have passed the Povich test that day… And you said yourself that you never thought her capable of an A. So what else might you not know her capable of? Protect your self for your kids’ sake.
--d2m3b

The attorney is not a bad idea. I will look into that. I am also working hard now to get a full time maid. That will be a necessity with WW gone due to school hours and my work hours.

My concern is that WW will have a change of heart while in Cancun. She is not that strong. She might go there with the idea of an agreed separation but SIL and MIL could easily change her mind. And yet they can't offer her anything that would protect my DDs. Where SIL lives is not that safe. Children are always at some risk. My biggest concern is school. We can just bounce them from country to country. They are in an American system here in Saudi. If she took them to the UK with OM, that would be the IB system. If they go to school in Mexico, that is private Catholic school under no internationally recognized system. If we do separate permanently, I want WW settled and in a stable place before we consider a more permanent change for DDs. For the moment, the only viable option is that they remain in school in Saudi under the American system.

I don't think WW disagrees that this is the best place for them. I think she might make choices based on what is best for her rather than what is best for them.

quote: I don't think WW disagrees that this is the best place for them, I think she might make choices based on what is best for her rather than what is best for them.

Which is exactly why YOU need to decide what is best for
your DD's.

Look into that lawyer, pojitos.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I've not been following up on your posts for a long time. This is the first I've read in months.

You used to have tabs on this guy, no? Couldn't you just have called him or had someone see if he left town to see your wife? I would have.

There's no way your wife should be in withdrawal after a long NC. How long has it been?

The story about the lasagna freaks me out, though. Something definately was going on. Any rational person would look damn hard for the noodles before deciding they had to go to town like that. Maybe she saw him? A lawyer (dont know if it's setup like that there)?

I'd be all over that incident like cheese on macaroni. I guess that's just me though.

I do still have a PI on retainer in the UK so officially I could find out I guess but that is not the point. I am not going to live my life as a paranoid freak. WW should be completeyl transparent and be careful not to raise my suspicions. She is the opposite. PA ended early October 2005 and last phone call was January 26th more or less.

Her explanation of the noodles is that she has only ever used flat noodles for lasagna and she did not recognize the ones with the wavy edges (even though it clearly said lasagna pasta on the box). As I said, everything she says is plausible. Just like needing strawberry milk and bumping into a friend in the store and chatting. She is a gifted liar. She may be telling the truth. But I have stopped caring.

I have to heal this open wound from the stab in the heart. She is not helping me do it. I have had too much and can't take any more. If we stay together any longer, one of us will kill the other one. Personally I would rather be the one killed than go to a Saudi prison only then to be beheaded in the public square. She can have that honor.

Dorry started an interesting post a few days ago about the DWS protecting the BS's feelings. Gemela has done nothing to protect mine. She treats me as if mine don't matter.

I emailed SIL to stay out of this and let us deal with our own mess and now gemela is furious that I did. She also insists that DDs go to Cancun. I said I could agree to that only after hearing from the lawyer so I needed a few days. Then she says she wants to split the DDs and give me DD1 and she takes DD2. I told her she is only thinking of herself and is not thinking about what is best for DDs.

I really thought we had an agreement - she goes to and stays in Mexico and DDs and I stay in USA. Now she says that deal is off. I wish she would wake up and smell reality. This has been one of the toughest decisions of my life. I have suffered many months hoping we could salvage this for the sake the the DDs but I have reached my limit. the next six weeks are going to be miserable.

I just edited to say this. I have been thinking about this for a few days but I cannot remember the last time gemela gave me a single compliment. I am not swearing she has not but I swear I cannot remember any. I compliment her all the time. She never ever compliments me. That bothers me.

Does she mean split DD's only for vacation time or permanently? Either way, she is clearly not putting their welfare first.

She means permanently or at least for a couple of years. There is no real reason to it.

I think I would secure all the finances. If Gemela has plans to take the girls, that would make it harder.

I also would not take them to Mexico. It would be too easy for something to go wrong. Custody battles where the children are in another country are expensive, and go on and on.

Plan something else exciting to do with your girls. Tell Gemela that you are protecting your family. Yes, she will be angry, but I think it is time you let her feel some of the consequences of her choices.

1)lawyer with custody NAILED DOWN. DD'S NOT GOING TO MEXICO..I agree...I got arrested wtih friends once when driving..we were NOT speeding..the police officer said "we'd have to go to the station with him and then straighten the mix up there, or else WE COULD PAY HIM right then and there and he'd let us go." that happened to ME in MEXICO...federales=banditos imho.
2)make sure there are no CUSTODY LOOPHOLES. Since you're separating, make sure it's legal...let your WW continue her life in Mexico until she is no longer a WW.
3)make sure you are doing all you can custody wise to ensure YOU ARE PRIMARY AND SHE IS UNABLE TO TAKE CHILDREN WITH HER OUT OF COUNTRY WHERE YOU RESIDE...I'd put nothing past a WS.
4)let WW know she is able to join you and the kids when she chooses to do so, after ending her affairs and stupid behaviors.
5)separate all finances, but leave a little bit for WW to live on in Mexico. That's all I'd do.

It's time for her to decide...Gemela either gets a life and a family...or she just won't get it at all.

Kids aren't pawns to be strewn all across the globe. do your part to MAKE THE KIDS SAFE from a Ws.

justpeachy,

Next time you go to Mexico, take a copy of my driving survival guide along with you. It can be found at:

driving in Mexico

Another tip:

Mad magazine sometimes has a feature called "The worst thing to say / the best thing to say". One time there was a drawing of a geeky tourist guy trying to exit a Mexican airport to return to the USA and encountered a mean looking immigration official with an AK 47. The worst thing to say was "I'm an American citizen and your Mickey Mouse laws don't apply to ME!". The best thing to say was "Gee, I'm sorry officer. I would gladly buy a visa right now but I never can remember if the exchange rate is 10 pesos to the dollar or 10 dollars to the peso."

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I don't want the girls disappointed. They do like Cancun but I am wondering how much of gemela's passion is not wanting to disappoint them or not wanting to disappoint her family. She will pretty much have to let FIL know that something is not quite right if we don't show up. And MIL will be fairly disappointed too.

I was just thinking about maybe instead of flying from Miami to Houston to drive it instead and maybe make a holiday adventure of it for the girls. Or maybe take them to Bermuda for a week. I don't know. I do know that the DD's will be just as happy doing other things besides Cancun.

I am still Plan A'ing completely. Gemela has a luncheon for classroom moms today and I went out last night with her to buy pitchers for juices and then came home and made some of the courses and helped make others. I keep chat friendly. I don't want to just cut her off emotionally but I am steadfast in this separation. I fear that gemela may be somewhat in denial that it is actually going to happen. I will wait a few days to buy her ticket to Cancun but I think once she starts seeing more concrete evidence, she will begin to realize that this is the real deal.

The thing is that we need to start explaining to the DDs pretty soon and I have told gemela that this is only something that we will do together. She is not allowed to have her little private chats with DD1 like she did before. I recommended we tell them that Mom has to be in Mexico for a little while but will come back later.

If I can get the full time maid hired (it is urgent) then that will be another clue to gemela. I want to remain in Plan A but move consistently to Plan B with no waivering. I am going to work on a Plan B letter today and post for comments.

Thanks for all the advice on Mexico. This is my biggest doubt. I will do anything for my DDs and I so want them to be happy.

When you are picking out a maid, be sure she is OLD and UGLY.

believer,

That is really funny. I do have a friend in Dubai who has a maid that is a knockout. I always wonder about him when his wife goes alone on repat. He never complains while she is gone. Housemaids here in Saudi are all old and ugly. I think that is a requirement to obtain a visa. Actually I will not pick out the maid - WW will take on that duty. I hope to have an interview this Thursday. I also am going to offer my current part-time maid a large salary to see if she will accept. She turned me down yesterday due to another commitment but I had not mentioned money. As the say in Mexico, "con dinero baila el perro, sin dinero bailas como perro". I would translate to English but it wouldn't sound nearly as good. BTW, she is old and ugly but the DDs know her and she works well with them.

I still love WW. I will have to be well over her before I could ever look at another woman. I need time. SF will not help me heal. Besides, until I am divorced, I would be cheating on WW. I won't do that.

I have a question regarding Plan B. I will have to buy WW a ticket from Miami to Cancun. Which is better (not talking about cost) - buy the ticket open return or one way? She already has a return ticket from Miami to Saudi Arabia. Cost-wise I think it is moot. I am just curious which sends the better message.