Thursday afternoon I had some free time so I took a piece of 1x2 pine and planed it down, cut it to length, took my router and put a nice chamfer on two edges, took the drill press and precisely drilled holes 1 cm apart down its length, used the table saw with multiple passes to cut a wide groove down one side, painted it black and then fitted it to the side of the steering wheel column to hold golf tees. I couldn't think of any way to fix it in place without disassembling the entire steering assembly so I fixed it with two purple cable ties (longest ones I have). It is okay. I was thinking, I wish the cable ties were black. I have black but not long enough. I know that seems like an oxymoron but it is true. Anyway, I saw some longer black ones in the commissary. Even so, I knew they weren't long enough. I bought them anyway and went home and placed them in their color slot in the cable tie collection.

It really bothers me that I did that. I think I am in denial about something.

Plans are all set. Gemela goes alone to Mexico. DDs and I stay in the USA. I am going to take DDs fishing because they ask aboout that and I think I might take them to the Grand Canyon.

I think we both are in denial. I don't know how to feel about this. I realize that my marriage might truly be over but I am still happy. I am so glad she is leaving. I don't think reality has quite hit her yet. I told her yesterday I was thinking of putting a shelf in the garage for golf shoes. She told me not to. I replied that, in September I could do anything I wanted (not in a mean way) because she wouldn't be here. She replied - good point. We are getting alone very well right now. Even so, I will not let my guard down and I will not back off this plan. I think Pland B is the only viable option right now - for both of us.

I really don't see Gemela going alone to Mexico. It will surprise me if she does.

I really hope she doesn't. I don't think it will be good for your marriage. And I don't think she will be happy there.

I think she will go. I don't know how long she will stay. Once she realizes she is not happy there (and I do agree with you on that) she will look for something else. I suspect first phone call will be to OM.

She is going with the understanding that I still want the marriage to work out. I am not closing the door behind her. On the contrary, I will welcome her back under certain conditions.

I am not sure why you think her going will be bad for our marriage. I know if she stays that I will hate her in the very near future. Besides, you wrote the Dobson post. I can't change now. I am really excited about the time I am going to have with DDs. I think this will be good for the three of us.

Gemela just needs to decide what she wants. As long as she feels trapped here, I doubt that she will ever want this. Once she is in Mexico, she may see that the grass is actually greener here in Saudi Arabia. She will have to get a low paying job, rent a small apartment, buy her own shoes. Other option is to live with SIL/MIL or FIL. All her problem. Any way she looks at it, her country club wife days are over. I think Plan B may just be the jolt she needs to wake up to reality.

Could this end the marriage? Yes. if I were not prepared to accept that, I wouldn't send her to Mexico. Is this a gamble? Yes. Is it a game? No.

I just think that your love bank is nearing empty. Gemela is young, and doesn't realize how the rest of the world lives.

I do think that OM took advantage of her innocense. I sincerely hope she doesn't lose everything.

believer,

Yes I am running on fumes but I do still love her and she is still my wife. If she loses everything it will be because she makes those choices. I am not taking anything away from her. This is not "my way or the hiway". This is "get you head out of your [censored] and let's get serious about trying to recovery the marriage".

If the marriage fails, she will have all the rights of any divorced woman. She is still DDs' mother. They will always have her. It is not my responsibility to protect her from harming herself. She has to decide what she wants - even if it might be the "wrong" thing.

One critical difference - gemela will NEVER admit she has too many shoes.

What does this mean? Why am I suddenly convinced that cable ties somehow hold the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything?

And no I don't have 42 cable ties. I have thousands of cable ties.

What's a cable tie? Is it just a neck tie?

Pio,

I have a huge surplus of clamps. I have listed them before and won't do so again. Since you have a surplus of cable ties, maybe you would be interested in some GWTW dolls? They all have their original shoes on if that appeals to you.

Every day now I go out to the bodega and look at my cable ties and I get an overwhelming urge to throw them away.

As I mentioned to you yesterday, gemela and I got in a fight about why we are separating. I reminded her about the fact that I can't trust her, the lasagna, the French riding instructor, the fact that I compliment her and she never compliments me. I told her how I felt and that I felt like she was just tolerating being here and spent all her days pining away for OM and how that made me feel like a failure, etc. She got mad because I won't believer her. I said that she had lied to me for over a year so why should I start believing her now. I told her how the lasagna incident made me feel exactly like the times she used to make the excuse to run off to buy strawberry milk. She said that OM is not here in Saudi and that she was telling the truth. I said that maybe it wasn't om. Maybe she was having another affair and just using the same tricks as before. Then she got mad and said that she was going to have another affair just to teach me a lesson. I said it didn't matter. It was her choice whether she had an affair or not. I am sick and tired of her blaming me for her affair. She alone chose to do it. Nobody twisted her arm. I am sick and tired of this poor little innocent me for my husband forcing me to have an affair. She denies she feels that way but I don't buy it.

I did finally read her thread on MB because I was looking for one thing in particular. I read the bit about how she had slept with OM in our bed while DDs were asleep in the next room. I asked her if OM had ever been in our house. She said no. I then told her I had read on MB where she said otherwise. She said that was a lie and she only wrote things on MB to get a reaction out of me - I did n't ask her why she was doing that. 20-20 hindsight I should have.

She wants to know why we can't just put the affair behind us. I told her because she won't allow us to talk about it that I cannot heal. She asked why I needed to talk about it to heal. I said I didn't know - I just had to answer certain questions to be able to cope with it. My questions were probably stupid things to her but everything to me. I need to heal and she refuses to help me so I need to be apart from her and do it on my own. She said that the MC tells her we should not talk about the affair. I said the MC has never told me that but it is because she refuses to let us go together to MC. How do I know she is telling the whole truth? She is a gifted liar. It is easier for her to tell a lie than the truth any more.

Okay buddy, my rant is over. Probably should have waited and put this in an email but I just want to forget about it. It was an unpleasant day. When I got off work, a friend of DD1 was over playing. That was okay but I was trying to talk to WW and we just kept getting interrupted. Finally when the phone stopped ringing and we just started to talk, friend's mom came to pick her up and sat and started talking to WW and just wouldn't leave. I actually got a broom and put it upside down behind the door. It worked. She left.

Last night we got along okay but both a little wounded. She talked to her sister and asked whether MIL would go to Cancun or stay in Comalcalco since DDs are not going to Mexico. SIL said whe did not want to tell MIL until after her birthday on June 27th about the situation so WW does not yet know if she should fly to Cancun or Villahermosa. The whole point of this exercise is so that I can buy her ticket. Now I have to wait. I have already bought tickets for DDs and me to fly to Houston after Disneyworld so WW is the only one undecided.

I need a vacation.

What reason does Gemela give for you separating?

If I had to guess (and I do), I would say it is because she feels there is a lot of pain and we need time apart to heal and not hurt each other any more. I won't put any more words in her mouth than that.

So, WW will not talk about A but will separate from you and DD's because of pain caused by the A.

Do I understand correctly?

And she may have another A just to teach you a lesson. What would the lesson be?

Well, er, yes... What part of English don't you understand ToddAC?

Yes she said she will have another affair just to teach me a lesson. I am not sure what the object of that lesson will be. It puzzled me. I mentioned that I still don't buy the lasagna story. It is too much like the old strawberry milk incidents. A classic behavior for her. She says that was then and this is now. She says OM is not even here. I asked how she knew that. No answer. I said if OM is not here, maybe she is in a new affair. I have no way of knowing what she is doing on her excursions but she found it easy enough to have one affair, she could be having another. She said that this is exactly what she is going to do - have another affair just to remove my doubts.

I thought I was the one who got to have the revenge affair - not WW. This is just totally unfair. I wanted dibs on the revenge affair. Now she has taken that from me too!

piojitos
Mmmmm, I understand in some way to gemela as I was a WS too..
I dont know your hole story. So correct me If Im wrong but your first reaction about her A was been depressed then you got angry, and you got out her of you house right? and what happen there? why did she come bak? For how long did she was away from home? Did she live alone, or with a friend, or with OM? I dont think so... as you said that few know that she had an A.. so I think she was smart in this case...
Well, what reason did she tell you for come back home, besides your daughters?
Did she ask you for her forgivens?
How long time pass to start to get MC? What suddenly she denied to follow your recovering using a MC?
Why do you think is the main reason why she had an A? Do you know which was her need that OM fills, or she thought that he filled? Have you spoke about this with gemela? I think yes....
Im asking because I stil dont understand why you cant give her another oportunity? Did she failed again? Did she asked you for another oportunity and failed you again? Im not talking few days before A ends, Im talking three months later...
I said same to my H, I was, and Im now, in order to stop his sospechas.... I asked him an new oportunity, I failed him YES, but not now, not since I finished my A.. thats why I told him, I hide things in the past, NOT NOW... Its difficult to believe, but everyone deserves another oportunity.. I think...
I think she can tell you things because she was angry,, and HARTA of your sospechas... I thinks she is was not serious about to have another affair...
The other thing is that I have read that you want to let her without her privileges that you can buy to her, a good life, with comodidades, and when she has the necesity to earn her own money she is going to appreciate more to you? sorry my spanglish is awful and most if its 3:47 am here..
Do you want that she want to try in your marriage just for money... If she were incapacitada or something maybe, but if she is young and if she has two girls to support, you cant imagine how far can she go... she is a mother, and I think that she has her temperamento so, she wasnt to stay sit just to look for an OM for solve her economical needs...
Im agree with you that this can give her another perspective about live alone, about finish your marriage, but thats it...
Maybe I didnt explain this well.
You sound macho... "ok veamos como le hace sin mi sustento económico....ñaca ñaca ..., " if she decided to finish you can be surprised of what she can do.... I think in this world you can find woman that are just interested in money, a good example can be a young woman who married with an old man (an ugly) with with a huge wallet.... but Im not this is not the case.. gemela not sounds as an mujer interesada, as we said here... you are not old, your wallet is ok, and we need to ask TodAc if you are ugly or not LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Whatever,, I want to share with you an opinion...
And another thing..... dont be so rude with her..for a WS is like a drug OM... is not easy to leave it.. and only with help we can do it. however its true that if we dont realize that besides damage that we cause to our family, OM causes damage to ourselves... like an alcoholic, is he doesnt want to stop drink, he never is going to do it...
Was you reaction about the A, rude? Did you threaten she?
Last thing, What does she said if you tell her that in case you get divorce you are goint to have your child custody?

tear,

Let me try to answer:

My first reaction about her affair was denial. I thought it was a bad dream or a bad joke. I got all the confession by telephone as she was in the USA. next I clearly remember I got depressed. I don't think I got truly angry until she got back and I found out that the affair was still alive and well and she was lying to me. I kicked her out. She went to OM for one night and then called me the next day and begged me to come back. She wanted to come back for DDs. She said they needed her.

She has never asked for my forgiveness.

We probably waited about two months before she agreed to MC. I can't remember for sure but that sounds about right.

I think the main reason she had an affair is that she was depressed and she is very vane (egoista) and the OM played on that. She will lay a lot of blame on me but the reality is that she missed living in the excitement of Dubai and was bored here.

She started call OM again about 6 weeks after the affair was over. I caught her and was going to kick her out. She begged to stay. She went for another 4 weeks before she started calling him multiple times per day and I caught her again. I ignored this one on advice from MB. We went to Mexico. She swore to everyone (la familia) the A was over. We got back to Saudi and she waited about 4 days before she was on the phone to OM again. She begged to stay again. So she continues to violate NC and continues to beg. She has become quite pathetic and an embarassment.

I have given gemela multiple opportunities. She always fails. She always lies.

If gemela leaves for a time-out in Mexico, I am not going to support that financially. If she wants to know what life will be like without this marriage, she needs to learn it all. I will say she is not asking for anything either. On the other hand, reality has not sunk in just yet. That is okay. She needs to evaluate what she wants.

I have never threatened gemela. I have never abused gemela. She knows I won't do that. We are not talking divorce just yet so I can't answer about custody. What we have to consider is what is best for the girls. Where can they get the best education, where are they safest, where can they have the most opportunities?

I know for a fact that the girls would initially be "happier" with gemela. But what happens if she decides to take them to OM? What happens if that relationship fails and she drags them to another? All I have told gemela is that I want full custody (she gets visitation) for 2 years and if, during that time she can establish a good and stable home, we will share custody and negotiate school arrangements. She says that is okay with her.

You say OM is like alcohol to an alcoholic. I have given gemela plenty of opportunities to put the bottle down. She refuses. I don't know why she refuses to commit to the marriage. I don't know why she refuses to even discuss the affair. I simply can't take any more. I have made it very clear for a very long time what I needed to continue to try to recover this marriage. She refuses to do it. My requirements are (just a refresher here):

Continued NC.
Discuss the A so I can get these nagging questions out of my mind.
She goes to IC.
We go to MC.

I may give her one out of four but I can't really prove she is in NC. Her behavior indicates she might not be. I have placed no other requirements on her. I have not asked for remorse. I have not asked for an apology. I don't ask for SF. I don't ask her to keep me up-to-date on her movements.

I need to learn to trust her again and she makes no effort to help me. What do you suggest I do? How long before this has permanent effect on the DDs? I could put up with more, I think, if it were not for the DDs but I think they are beginning to be affected. Gemela has said that she never loved me. That being the case, there is nothing to save because it never really existed.

tear,

I forgot to mention but whether gemela has another affair or not is her business. I am not going to try to stop her. I will say though, that if she does have another affair, she will only ever have a chance of custody or joint custody over my cold and rotting corpse. I can see one affair as a mistake in judgement, lapse in morals, etc. Two affairs is an indication that gemela es nada más que una puta (¿pinche ramera?) y no sería una buena "role model" para mis niñas. Don't you agree?

I bought the tickets last night but could not get open return for WW from Cancun. Well I could have but my industrious travel agent thought he could save me money by booking a return date (he did save me a couple thousand dollars).

WW and I got in a fight last night. It revolved around the fact that she wants to lie to her mom and dad about the separation. She wants to lie and tell her mom that my mom is here caring for the kids (her mom knows about the A) and she wants to lie to dad and not tell him about the affair.

I told her that she needs to give up her life of lies and deceit and start to tell the truth and face the consequences. She said she just wants to protect them. I replied that the only one she is trying to protect is herself. She does want to face the shame of her father and doesn't want to face the berating she will get from her mother. I simply told her that the next time her father calls the house and I happen to answer, that I am going to tell him about the A. I will also tell her mother the truth.

At the end of the argument, she said we should go back to MC together. I agreed. Hopefully we can get an appointment next week. I left that in her hands. I told her that she is free to do whatever she wants in Mexico. She can have another affair, she can seek out OM, anything. She is not obligated to me for anything. I told her that I would not cheat on her as long as we were still married because I would not do that to my DDs.

She said she wishes we could all go live in Mexico. I said if I were independently wealthy I would do just that. I don't enjoy living in Saudi Arabia. This is not my paradise. I choose to do it (it was a mutual decision BTW) because I believe it is the path to being able to offer the best opportunities for the DDs. They are my primary obligation and I have to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams because I owe it to them. She said the DDs need to be around their family. i told her that she and I are their family. If she had wanted to stay in Mexico for the rest of her life, she should have married a Mexican. Expats don't have guaranteed jobs anywhere.

I am rambling now. All I want to say is that we are very calm and peaceful now. The fight is over. We both said some things we probably needed to. We agreed to go to MC. So it was probably a good fight.

I also have tickets in hand so everything is going in the direction it needs to.

Pio, for what it's worth, I'm very sorry you are having such a tough time but I think you are doing the right thing and handling this just the right way.

I think Gemela needs this. I mean the wake up call.

Hey KiwiJ,

I think we both need it. The best part is that I am looking so forward to being a 100% parent. Don't know why.

Anyway, thanks for the vote of confidence. I never did hear the results of your departmental discussion over my theory of peace in the Middle East. I really would like to hear that some day.

I haven't given it to them yet. We haven't got a "middle east" specialist but we do have a very strong International Relations teaching team. Needless to say, they love reviewing anything political. *rolleyes*

I think your DDs will benefit from the lack of conflict and I am sure this will be the turning point for both you and Gemela, in a good way I hope. You know that her saying "I'll have another A" is just bluff but it's also important. It's saying "no matter what I do or say it's not going to be good enough." I can understand why you don't believe her any more though.

As Believer always says this is the stage that the BS becomes the stalling point in recovery.