Make the house look nice and neat and leave. So you are not there when she arrives.

L.

thanks but it already happened it kinda went bad at first cause she wanted to engage in battle,but then i just said with a smile give me a hug dear and have a great day...
she hugged back but i felt the coldness stil.
but ill be ok today im going out to a family party acutally her families pary that of course one she will not attend for whatever reason.
im gonna take a break from her today and see if i can just enjoy myself

"Get yourself up for it!" Pump yourself up. Focus on positive things, not breaking up, not A, not anything considered an LB. Remember you want to leave a lasting impression that you are improving. Smile and say thank you for something small, like coming to talk.

Tell her that you appreciate (something she always did) and miss it.

Ask how she is and LISTEN, undivided attention, don't judge. If you disagree with something, tell her that you respect what she says, but you disagree.

Look her in the eye.

Last, but not least, when she goes to leave, hold her hand lightly, if she'll let you, and look her in the eye. Then sincerely say, "Take care of yourself."

Remember that it is about the last impression.

Good luck!

good stuff as always here .....im gonna set up a big time plan for her for me and im gonna stick to it
also gonna finish exposing to all and leave it in gods hands
thanks to all that r getting me through this

Sweet (I never say that).

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley. Chapter three outlines Plans A and B.

It wasn't until I read it that my Plan A was weak. MelodyLane posted this for me: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html It really made me rethink my plan A and try to focus on avoiding LBs.

Then I read SAA and I think that if this doesn't work, Plan B will.

im still waiting for the book ...its been a while too but im at the point where ill just go to the mall and pick it up
i had a dream i seen her at a bbq we always go to through out the years and she was sayin the divorce papers are almost done then something changed and we reconsiled just like that >
man i hope this is gods way of sayin shell break out of the fog

does anybody know when exposure shoul give the affair some problems?
i only have a few people left and i got to go all out
any suggestions?

Exposure is injecting a virus into the affair. It takes time for the infection to take hold. Incubation period is different in all cases....but they all feel the infection. Some ignore it, but most every FWS indicate, in hindsight, that exposure was the beginning of the end.

The divorce thing. Don't ever agree to the uncontested divorce. When she brings it up, just indicate you don't discuss divorce only reconciliation. No negotiations. Nothing. That's it.

If she wants to file the divorce then so be it. Make her do the heavy lifting. You hire an attorney and delay the proceedings as long as possible. Even then, only your attorney discusses the divorce with her attorney. If she brings it up with you, you just say again, I don't discuss divorce, only reconciliation....have your attorney call mine about any and all of that stuff.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

thank you very much your very knowledgeable and im very blessed to have found this site cause if i hadnt i would of lost my mind
and also made my marriage beyond fixing thank you

well things are still rocky over here i got to see the rest of my people to expose
also i intercepted an email from ww to a cousin of hers and it went like this
before the rumor mill starts i left him but im ok now
cousin writes back im glad your ok and nevermind those freaks we happen to be related to<refering to the family that is sayin im right>
then invited her to go upstate in aug cause ww has off work all month
im wondering should i expose this to this cousin even though i dont know her to well i dont want to do make a mistake with this one

does any one think this would be a good person to expose cause i know shes going there to be sheltered from all of this cause this family member only knows her story

It c/b good to expose. How is the cousin with other relatives? Does the cousin have siblings or parents you can find out about? You may need to find out if the cousin really knows what they are supporting vs the truth.

L.

well all i know is she had sent a belated anniversary wish to my ww and said say hello to john.so i know she believes in marriage
as far as knowing the parents etc ill find out,but i would have to think of a good letter to write so she dont think im out to destroy my ww.
i know she sounds like shell support whatever the sitiuation is but i believe if she knows about a she will at least discuss this with her.
i see no harm as long as i can come off in the letter as concerned and loving and not maniputlive selfish
any ideas ?

Then make the letter short, powerful and nice....something like:

Dear Cousin,

Thank you for the annviersary card. It was nice. I didnt' get to read it until a few days later (or whatever...) but I did want you to know how much I appreciate your kind thoughts.

Given that marriage is important to most people in our family I wanted to let you know that right now my W is having an affair. This means our marriage is not important to her. Right now her thoughts and actions are confusing as she tries to weave in another man in our family. This makes it very hard for me and all who value the sanctity of M.

W seems to be writing to you. That is good. Whatever constructive help you can provide to help bring her to her senses would be appreciated. W is a different person now. Her mood swings from nice to mean in an instant. I am not sure if you have ever experienced anything like this but it is very difficult to deal with. It seems no matter what I say or do, it is perceived as something bad. Even little nice things like (give example - taking out the garbage or doing the dishes....), I get called names or yelled at.

I tried to get help for her but she resists. Her new found friend is helping her destroy our family. Please help her come back to her senses.

Sincerely,
The BS and family.

Howz that?

L.

that sounds perfect except for one thing.the anniversary wish was intercepted in an email i snooped
i have to explain my snooping which may not make me as sincere to her
i guess i should just tell her the thruth about snooping and ask for her confidence in the matter
i know im tired of lies so i shouldnt lie hear correct?
you know of any ways i could kick in the fact that i had read her email and should i send some proof to show her im for real
the woman sounds like a person with values but i dont want to burn off all my survailence on someone i only met at the wedding and dont know what real influence shell have
i believe this cousin is in the picture cause theres no where else to turn too
i also found out she is hanging around a friend we had again after they werent speaking for over a year why did they become friends again simply cause the friend had an affair on her husband and they have since divorced
wait till i get my hands on that one too....only kidding

Ok, so revise the letter a bit. Hm... you could say that you 'heard she sent an e-card?' If not just say that you know she send an anniversary card in the past (if she did) and that you appreciated her support for those years but wanted to let her know aobut the current status. You don't have to give up your source. It may make 'em wonder why you choose to write if you didn't see the e-mail but just shrug your shoulders and raise your eyebrows a bit.....go practice in the bathrool mirror. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The point is to acknowledge what you know she does know you know and build on it from there.


L.

i gotcha what do you think i should do about the new frienship my ww has made with the friend we used to speak to?
i know she is giving her the this is the best thing for you right now speech cause shes screwed up herself

orchid i forgot to ask you should i ask her cousin to keep it in confidence ?

No. I would just add in the letter that you respect the cousin and know she will do what is best for the 'family'. Remember not to single out support for your W because that c/b singling out support for the WS.

Then leave it up to them. As for the new friend.....leave that alone for now. Keep a watchful eye but don't leave a trail.

Expect the WS to try to use someone against you. Be like teflon.

take care,
L.

i will thanks for the advice as usaul but that friend is gonna make things hard and ive known the girl b4 my ww met her so i think eventully im gonna have to contact her and tell her what shes doing to my family with her opions
btw even when she was in affair we spent years talking to her and she wanted to be back with her husband terribly but he wouldnt reconsider it
so now i think shes telling her experience without that paryt in it