intimacy is sharing your feelings... just start doing it

open up and let her see you

Pep

Yeah, I am a guy, but I understood what you meant. I describe it as if I never treated her like a woman in bed. That it is about everything BUT the intercourse: attending to her needs, etc.
We didn't date on Wednesday, unfortunately, but she asked me why I wanted to go on a date: I told her that I killed her husband, and though he isn't dead yet, he will be in about a month or two (METAPHORICALLY, I just reread that and it sounds suicidal, but I am not thinking that way anymore, life is too short.). I told her that the changes she's noticed (SHE NOTICED!!!) are not for her, but for me. She responded by saying it is like living with an alien.

Since she is familiar with my behavior, she is probably very wary about the old behaviors coming back and if I really am changing. She almost has a pavlovian response to some of my actions. For instance, I complemented her cooking last night and she looked at me expectantly and said, "and..." She was just waiting for me to degrade her.

Anyway, my shrink and I are trying to get to the root of my obsession with female domination and figure out how I can work around it.

There are tiny signs of hope, for instance, we are supposed to be separating, but neither of us have looked for an apartment.

Anyway, any advice on showing emotional needs would help. The ones I have neglected are intimacy, appreciation, admiration, and respect. At least those are the big four. i have begun to meet domestic needs and that has had an impact.

So any ideas about SHOWING these would greatly help.

Thanks again.

Brian

Post deleted by thorstein

BIG UPDATE:

As you can see by the signature, the affair has been on for 7 weeks. I was away for the weekend and I know OM came to my house to be with my wife.

It drove me nuts while I was away, but before I left I told her "Not around the children and not in our bed." My daughter told me about them picking him up because "he locked his keys in his truck."

Today, I got a backbone. I wanted to talk to her. She said, "I am sick of talk." I said, "Okay, it's your choice to continue the affair. You will be moving out and the kids are staying with me." She had never been so quiet before. I left to go workout and then returned an hour later.

She had called OM and a friend. FINALLY, she sat down w/ me and really asked questions like "What brought this change in attitude?"

In a nutshell, I told her that when I was gone the pain was intolerable and I had suicidal thoughts (NOTE: I said this as a matter of fact, not as a ploy to get her back) I told her that I can no longer be a doormat and that she is using me financially. And ultimately, she promised not to let him near my kids. He could have called someone else. I also dropped the line about how great could he possibly be if he messes with married women? (WS is his second married woman.)

I told her that I no longer was in love with her. I told her that if she chose, she could stay and we could work things out. She is thinking alot about what matters most. (I am hoping, the kids and I do). He is not worth it.

She asked if I would keep her away from the kids and I said of course not, that is a punishment to the kids. If she wants to spend a weekend with them, she must do it alone. I have given her 3 weeks to decide. She is to go hiking with him tomorrow. I suggested that she go to her parents so she could be with people who would love her unconditionally.
She said it was too late at night, but I will find out tomorrow her plans.

I have struck a nerve and I think she sees me in a new light (almost like, finally, he is fighting for me) maybe even finds it attractive.

At the end, I told her something that I think might really work. She is facing living without the kids and living with a tiny paycheck, I said, give our marriage six months. Six months so we can make it work. I told her that I would spend eternity trying to make her happy. Then I said no, I would spend eternity making her happy.

She knows she is out and she knows it is HER CHOICE to have an affair that is going to result in these consequences.

PLEASE, EVERYONE, whatever your faith, whatever your belief system, send some good thoughts.

Thanks,
Brian