i can't see any other way out, i can't keep my emotions from exploding over this, its been 8 months of living ****** for me. I drink myself to sleep everynight, i weep uncontrollably when i am not around people. The joy i had from being around my family has been poisoned. i am miserable.




They are young and they need thier mother more than me at this time i think. I had hoped to at least hang on tho this until they were old enough to deal with it, but the control of that is out of my hands.





I will have to explain myself and apologize to her parents for what i am about to do. So they will find out, but i don't really want to be the one again to have to cough up the dirty details.

I don't think she has brought anyone around my children, I don't think she could do that. But i did once beleive many things that I thought she would not ever do.

I don't know her anymore.
I feel like someone has stolen 12 years of my life with lies and deception.

I haven't confronted the other guy about this, he is just some idiot somewhere, who he is is unimportant. She would just switch him out for anyone else she can at the first opportunity anyways.

I am so bone weary tired of having to police my marriage to try and keep it together. I am sick of the person it has made me into. The trust is destoryed and she makes it worse on a daily basis as she cries and tells me she loves me. Its the cruelest form of torture imaginable.
She will have another man in here to replace me within 3 months i am sure anyways so whats the point of me sticking around to simply suffer for a few more months trying desperatly to patch up my marriage piece by piece as she continually smashes it to pieces to serve herself.

Nothing is going to stop it, not her preist, her family, her church, her children or her supposed love for me is going to stop her. i have cried, raged, and bled enough for her.

Its time to get myself to a place in my life where i can heal and move on to one day find some peace and be of use to my children again. I am useless to them the way i am now.

I thought this way at first as well... what they need is a stable, loving home... whether that is from your W, you, or both of you together.



I went away for a couple of weeks, but I took my sons with me. We drove to Toronto (Canada), a 24 hr. drive. I took them to Wonderland, CN Tower, Wayne Gretzky's restaurant, they visited my parents and grandmother. We had a great time together. I also took my teenage nephew with us. He occupied my sons when I needed time alone. You can get away but with your kids is better. My W spent this time alone to decide what she wanted.



This is about you. You cannot change the fact your W had an A... and cannot change her. But you are in control of yourself. This is when you work on becoming a better you. Do you think this is attractive to your W... drinking yourself to sleep every night, miserable, weeping all the time? Guilt, pity, being a victim will not win her back. She wants a strong H. She wants someone to save her. She doesn't want all of this other crap. I know it sucks... I was in that place myself. But things didn't get better until I took control of myself.

Picture it... can you see yourself as a stronger, more confident person? If you were to become the most attractive, healthy, loving, caring, independent, patient, outgoing, funny, strong person, father, husband that you can be. Your W is going to notice. You are going to be fine as soon as you start seeing that this is a time to better yourself. You need it and your kids need it.

Patience.

Shaden

Try this link. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ge=0#Post402212

It is a key to the most common acronyms.

I know, cheaters never want to deal with what they do.
frankly it matters little whether or not she wants me anymore. I am not going to try wo win back the woman i have given everything to and for. I have given eveything and recieved nothing in return. What good will it do to make her want me a little more, that will only last until her attention turns. Thats not love and thats not what a relationship is.

I understand what you are saying, but the time for not looking like an idiot passed along time ago. I have already humiliated myself in front of her, family, my friends.
Its would be technically impossible for me to look anymore pitiful and pathetic.

No pretty much all i have left to me is ANGER and holding on to it so that i can gain back some sort of stability inside where i am not thinking how great everything would be if i could just be dead. If i stay here any longer i am going to hurt myself and objectivly she is not worth it, this has already upset me so much i have hurt myself several times over this. Without my friends i would surely have ended up in hospital or jail.

I know my kids need me but i can't face this anymore it just hurts too much, i have to get away so i can start to get past all this.

you are running away...

your pain is equal to every betrayed person here....

this is where people know EXACTLY how this feels...

you can not get past this ...by running from this...

doesn't work..
never has never will

you will stuff this junk till you will want to explode...and you will find yourself reliving this crap over and over again...

calm down...
moment by moment
you can get through this...

you need to find a counselor today...to help with your actions of self harm....

hurting yourself over her stupidity...is NOT fair to the children....
won't solve a thing
and will only make them at more risk for damage...

I hope you get help today....

ARK

You are still making this about her. Being a better YOU has nothing to do with her A, or whether or not she will come back, or even whether or not you want her back. I can understand "getting away" to clear your head. But don't make permanent decisions now in the midst of your anger that you will regret. Look inward. Take some time. Get some help for you.

Patience.

Shaden

ok ok I wil reserve any final decision until i get a week or 2 alone to think. I want to make the best possible decision for my family and for me.

You guys are right, just going off half cocked is not the best initial move.

Thanks for talking some sense into me.

You guys are right that presenting the hysterical freaking out me will do nothing for my situation, i will try to remain calm and let her do most of the talking.

She comes back from her travel tomorrow and I will probably spend the night crying myself to sleep as i have for 3 nights now as she has been chit chatting on the phone with her new focus of attention and setting up whatever the ****** she has planned for them when she goes back up north in Aug - Sept.

i will chill out and not just leave and i will attempt to discuss all this once again with hewr and try to get some final truth from her, i think she has been not giving me the truth from the start and i know we cannot conitinue without radical honsety to help save our marriage.
Maybe if she finally comes to her senses and takes some real steps to cure our broken marriage and family i can step back from the brink of this befoer i go throu with this the most horrible thing imaginable and something that will surely break my heart completly and effect my kids forever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Vercing,

I think you are getting good advice here.

One of the things that I find interesting about this site is people point to the BS not filling EN's and that is what led to the wandering spouse.

I do agree in some cases that is the case but not all of them.

There are actually A's that happen in good M's. A WS goes out one night ties one on and next thing you know an A has happend.

Sometimes it is issues within the WS that cause this. For instance a person that has lost a lot of weight and all of the sudden is getting all of this attention they were not used to and they like it. The BS tells them how beutiful they are etc but the new attention is something that they are not used too and one day boom.

I do think however that the BS in a lot of cases thinks they were perfect etc and this shouldn't have happened.

If you did have faults or were not meeting her EN's you have to come to that realization or your M won't survive. Simply because you refuse to meet them now if you don't see you weren't.

Again I am not of the belief that every A occurs because of unfilled EN's but it is likely.

As far as radical honesty you are correct. Without trust you have nothing.

So chill out and wait for the truth.

I have been waiting 8 months for the truth about the first attempted romance, i am having my youngest son DNA tested to make sure i have not been played for much longer than i think.

i want truth but i am not so sure i am going to get it, i have been begging and pleading for it for 8 months.
i already took on acceptance of my possible role in my wifes first attempts, i have tried to put it away and have not been harping on the past, i have tried to work on myself where she sees faults. Although she says there is no reason. I think she is still lying to me, i guess alot will be decided in our first big converrsation about this. if the lies continue i see no reason to keep trying.

i am praying she will come to her senses for the sake of our children and what we shared for 12 years together.
i sat at her bedside duringboth pregnancies holding her hand and working her though it. i feel like i have always been there for her and always tried to bend myself to be what she wanted. But i think maybe i am just not enough and maybe i should stop banging my head against a brick wall. I thought we were soulmates and destined to be together for ever, i love her more than my own life. But thats why this hurts so much.

Like i said alot will be made clear by our first big discussion of this and how she is with me.

i will attempt to discuss all this once again with hewr and try to get some final truth from her,

oh no no no no my dear friend....

do not attempt to discuss this with her....
no point....

but you will and do need a strong strong plan for when she comes home...

1. have the house spotless
2. have music on..
3. offer to carry in her bags...
4. have something for her to eat that you know she would enjoy.....pick up a favorite dessert...etc..
5. be whistling

You guys are right that presenting the hysterical freaking out me will do nothing for my situation, i will try to remain calm and let her do most of the talking.

oh crap let me find the post by orchid on babble....
you need to learn to babble back to her insane babble and NOT react to it....

GET HER ATTENTION by being someone she does not reconize..

she expect drama give her NONE

tell her that you want this marriage to work out...
but not in depth...just with those simple words...

and

that you are willing to work hard to make it happen....

speak of NOTHING you need from her....

tell her clearly and calmly that her actions are equal to taking knives and shoving them in to your back...
and that doing that would actually be more HUMANE than the disrespect she doing....
BUT
you are very concerned about her....and her inability
to be value

honesty
and
committment

and are living in great fear of what her actions are doing to HER.....

show concern
is she sleeping OK
is she eating
tell her you are gravely worried about her....

you should also contact legal advice....there is great danger in you leaving that in some laws eyes YOU will be seen as abandoning the family.. OH THE IRONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

do not engage in any long talks...

oh honey I am just glad you are home....
I'm not up for discussing anything right now...
whistle whistle whistle a catchy tune

and walk away.....

sleep in YOUR bed

also seek legal counsel on what YOUR rights are as a DAD and FATHER to those children...
blocking attempts for her to take the children etc...

tell her you are not interested in splitting the childrens homes....

expose to her parents while she is enroute from there.....

so they know....

you can do this....

I will try to find bobpures and orchids posts for you to read...

ARK

Wow, does this sound familiar. I was the "perfect" husband, too. I gave and gave and gave. My W will tell you that I gave a lot more into the M than she did. 5 years prior to her A, she had an EA. I felt I needed to change to hold onto her. I vowed each day to treat her like a queen. This did not bring her closer... each day I resented the fact that she was not returning my "gifts". I was living in fear.

What I've learned since... and this, IMO, is extremely important. Your W DOES NOT WANT you to bend yourself to what she wanted. My W kept telling me she didn't want me to change for her... to change for myself. Soon, she lost respect for me as a man. Wives want their Husbands to love them, be caring and romantic, to find time for them... BUT they don't want them to give up their manhood or masculinity for them. They married a Man and that's what they want. This does not mean abusing them or treating them without respect. It does not mean controlling them... it means you voice your opinion, to make choices for you and for the family. It means that you stand up for your beliefs and feelings. It means you can be a risk taker. It means that you protect your family. It means you are real and you and act without fear. They know when you are doing for them out of fear of losing them... that's what I was doing. When you can do for them because you want to... but also choose to do for you and not fear... that's when they feel like they are in a partnership.

I had put my W on a pedestal. She didn't want that. She knew she couldn't give back and she felt smothered and pressured. She hated being in that situation. She wants a partner, not a maid or a child or parent. I was too nice. I've read about the "nice guy" syndrome... and I am ashamed to say that it was (is) me. It is a selfish way to act. You feel you are not being selfish because you are giving and being nice... but it is selfish. There is nothing wrong with being a good guy or a caring guy... but a "nice guy" is all wrong. Read up about it. I'll try and find more info for you.

Shaden

Nothing is going to change in your next conversation. She is in a different place right now in her thinking and feeling... many on here refer to her as being an alien. You cannot believe she would do this to the children or to you. You cannot believe that she can throw away 12 years... but whatever got her to this point, she's already past that in her rationalization... she may even have blocked it all out. It is common for WS to "rewrite" history. I found a journal of my W's when she was in her A and fog... according to that journal, she never really loved me, she was not attracted to me, she felt our M was a mistake. My W was a good person who would never have thought she could have an A... this was her justification to herself to convince herself she was not a bad person. They all do this.

One more conversation is not going to miraculously change this. Ark is right... a plan is needed. This is a war, not just one battle. It is not for the faint of heart. BUT it is, IMO, one that you need to fight for your own future... whether it includes your W or not... you need to or you will for ever have regrets.

Now, you will need to get other advice on how to break your W from her A. I had not read this site when I found out what was really going on. I had 2 months in the dark where I thought she was just unhappy. In fact, I had bought and read "Tough Love" and skipped over some of the parts about an A, because I was sure this would never happen to me. When I did find out, I wrote her a letter stating that I loved her, hoped she would have a happy life with OM, would be willing to talk about forgiveness, but not while an A was going on... she would have to leave. She stayed, and said she would end it. She still continued contact for another 2 or 3 weeks but they did end it.

I am not sure this is the best route for you... as it sounds like your W would not make this choice so easily, nor would she leave without the kids. Probably a different plan is needed. Keep asking for advice here on this.

My W never wanted to hurt me, and I suspect yours doesn't either. They have just become a different person right now and their mind is in a fog. They are looking for ways to believe you are terrible and OM is great... they need to so they can live with themselves.

This can work out... but you have to follow a plan and the plan has to be centred around being a better you.

Patience

Shaden

Vercing...

Read Ark's post on "Be the Lighthouse". It was just bumped up. I read it last year and it gave me strength and insight during a terrible time.

You can do this. You and your M is worth it.

Don't give up without the fight of your life. This fight is not just for your W, it is for you.

Shaden

Hi V'X

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess.
And if you are anything like me, I think the source is your insulted manhood. Another man has taken what was promised to you. Was GIVEN what was promised to you. Doubled in you rcase by your previous exprience.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying V'X. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to wail and wallow in pain like MIKE did. This will remove your life from the pain, but not the pain from your life.
2. Divorce your WW while you are in pain and not thinking straight. Even God allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn;t remove pain. The issues still need to be worked. You know this from your previous marrige, right?
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
VX your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides permanently now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge V'X ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the self pity. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.

All blessings

dear dear bobpure...

lays pearls of wisdom down....

ARK^^

Bob...

WOW! Thank you. I'll step aside and let the real voices be heard. You definitely have a way with words... any relationship to William?

Shaden

Well we talked it out extensively and she came clean with the truth finally before i actually had to leave. I think she basically had to have nothing to lose before she could expose her behaviour hoinestly. She wants to work at marriage counseling and give it some time to prove to me the things i think about us and how she feels about me are not true.

I feel at least now she is facing what she is doing, which is an important first step. We will see how it goes, i figure i owe my kids at least a year of trying if she is giving effort like this.

I did not follow much of this sites advice tho, i following.

I packed my ****** and made the determination to leave, i gave her a 2 hour period to scrape together the truth and wow me with her radical honesty or i was leaving. I advised her of this before she took her flight home. She was terrified of my anger over what she had done so i made an effort to talk instead of yell. I met at the airport with flowers and treated her reasonably and i tried to be her strength rather than her judge.

Once she admited all the lies , i had her face honestly what her acions were. Once she understodd that until you face clearly what your actions are doing there is nothing to work on. I think she clearly sees the acts as what they were now and can actually make some attempt not to repeat it.

Actions speak louder than words however and we have alot of work and proving to do, but i think we may have pulled this back from the brink. We were once very very happy together and we both want this again. So there is hope i think.


Thank you for all the help everyone