that's pretty insightful Jen.

Yeah, it doesn't say a lot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I got too mad to post any more.

Suzet

Can you tell me which MC categorises an obsessive opposite sex relationship as an "inappropriate friendship" ? Certainly not Shirley Glass. Certainly not Willard Harley. Nor Dave Carder. I submit you can't be a bit pregnant and you can't be a bit in an affair. You might kid yourself that you stopped before full EA once befoe but this rekindling would indicate otherwise. PLEASE don't fool yourself or your H this time.
Surely this rekindling must CONVINCE you now that what you were engaged in was an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with this man. Perhaps this is why you have defended firmly your NEED to remain working at the same job.

Its an AFFAIR and needs treating like an AFFAIR.

Extraordinary precations against NC violations Suzet.

All blessings

Dunno about Suzet but I'd sure like to read it. Do you have your story in one place here anywhere FH?

bigkahuna - No, it's not in one place here. It is scattered over 4 years of posting, but much of it has never been posted.

But I can direct you to the "most helpful" book when times get really tough. That would be the book of Job. The most helpful "series" of books is the Holy Bible. It's relatively easy to "let God be in control" when things are chugging along nice and smoothly. It's something else when the bottom falls out of our lives and WE FEEL a portion of the pain that Jesus bore for us. It is crushing, it is real, it sometimes self-inflicted and sometimes totally "unwarranted." There is ONE lifeline that is unbreakable and that can get us through anything regardless of the outcome in THIS world...."...nevertheless Father, not my will but yours be done."

We Christians do not have some "mystical" energy or unfeeling god to lean on. We have THE God of the universe who suffered and bled and died and rose again for us. THAT intercessor UNDERSTANDS personally, intimately, and completely the PAIN of being human when sin enters our lives. Many people misunderstand Romans 8:28 and think that God will make "good things" happen, in effect making a silk purse out of a sows ear. But what it really means is that God will use the circumstances in our lives, self-inflicted or "sinned against" or "collateral damage," to bring us into a closer walk with Him in Christ-likeness.

God the Father did NOT take away the cross from Jesus. He did NOT keep Job from losing everything that would be precious to a "man." God did NOT shield David from adultery and murder. The Prophets did not live the "easy life." God did NOT keep the Apostles from "harm" at the hands of others.

God IS capable of doing so by HIS sovereign will, as He did with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, and others, but the "point" is our individual surrender to Him regardless of the circumstances and difficulty.

IT IS NOT EASY, but God NEVER commands something of His children without also providing all the means to DO what He has commanded us to do. That clear provision is found in Philippians 4:13. The "hardest thing" for us to deal with is that it is NOT "all about me" but is really "all about THEE." Jesus, God and Creator of all that is, came to serve, not to be served. He, like Job, WILL rule and be served, but it will be by HIS "bride," not by some mere "servant." Marriage is forever in God's eyes, and God does NOT take it "lightly" that WE, each and every Christian, ARE the bride of Christ. Marriage is "one flesh," and the Bridegroom and the bride will be "one" in spirit and love. There WILL BE no more tears, AFTER, not "before."

WE are commanded to be "like Christ." That does not mean to be a "god." It means living our lives surrendered to God, that simple and that "hard." "Be overcomers" in thought, word, and deed THROUGH Jesus Christ who gives us HIS strength and God the Holy Spirit to be with us at all times. Easy? No way! Doable? Every time that we get "self" out of the way and ask the question that has been "overused and abused" by many, but which is still true of the "biblical Jesus." "What WOULD Jesus do when faced with what we are facing?" The Garden of Gethsemene gives the best insight into the "mind of Christ" when the "going gets tough." "Seventy time seven times," without end, no matter how distressing emotionally, simply because God commands it.

There are other parts of my "journey" that ARE here in "chunks." But let me summarize the journey in two words that have taken years to "understand." Forgiveness and Trust.

When the storms come, and they will come, we can stand on our own and in our own strength "up to a point." But sometimes the storm rages so badly that it is "unsurvivable" if let to our own innate resources and strength. Sometimes the storm doesn't just rage "around us," but like an unstoppable tornado it comes directly at us and is centered on us. "Why did you look away, Peter?" And then He reached down and rescued him. "Do you love me, Peter?" And he restored him to usefulness and a closer walk with God. "Into THY hands I commit my spirit..." Are there ANY more secure hands to place our very lives into?

If you'd like the links to my "major" threads, let me know and I'll post them up to you.

God bless.

(( S & her H ))

guess another reason the NO contact means

ZERO contact

... get a new job sista ...

"even if" this was only email contact

"even if"... whatever else

your marriage is on the line

it will be OK

Pep

try reading this Suzet*

Bob, if you’re referring to my job situation…you know about me and my H’s job & financial circumstances (H still unemployed and still waiting for court date & reinstatement due to unfair dismissal 2,5 yrs ago at the same company I currently work for). I’ve told you before that unemployment in this country is very high and there are other factors (such as affirmative action) which make it very difficult (not impossible…but very difficult and unlikely) for me and H to get other jobs. However, a while ago H and I were approached for job interviews at another city and company, but things didn’t work out. I think you weren’t around on the boards at the time I posted about it, so you can read more about it here (the last few posts on this thread).

In my NC letter of Monday I’ve made it clear to OM that from now on there can be NO contact with him whatsoever. No e-mails, no phone calls, no visits to my office, no chats when we bump in each other…NOTHING…not even on birthdays; after New Year when the company opens etc. I’ve also made it clear to him that this time it’s FINAL and PERMANENT and that I will not leave room for ANY contact with him ever again…no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. In the past few years after the “inappropriate friendship” has ended, I’ve allowed a chat or e-mail with him now and then on days like birthdays or when I’ve bumped into him, but after last weeks incident I fully recognize and realize that not even that is an option anymore.


Yes Bob, I do see now it was a full EA even though we haven’t admitted our feelings to each other back then... For this main reason I always thought of it as an “early stage EA” and nothing more, but I do realize now it was much more serious than that. You know, I think the fact that I viewed it as just “inappropriate friendship” at the time and the fact that I thought “I had enough self-control to stop before things could progress to a full EA” was also the reason I thought it was okay to still allow some minor and sporadic contact (like e-mails on birthdays; “Hallo, how are you?” in the passing etc.) I realize I’ve let me guard down for the last few months and I thought I was fully in control to handle such situations. I’ve also tried to convinced my H that I’m okay with such minor contact and although he never liked it, he trusted me and though I would be able to keep my boundaries up. Obviously what happened last week showed to him and myself that – deep within myself - I was NOT really in control and therefore need to take extraordinary precautions to protect myself in future.

Faithful Follower, my H is not someone for posting and reading on forums. I usually print out threads and articles from this website and read it to him. He knows I post and read here often and he does show interest now and then, but if he will ever post himself I don’t know. We haven’t done MC before but it is an option we might consider, but I’m not sure if that s part of the solution. You see, I know the fact that I did that (respond on the e-mail) was not about my H or M but issues within myself.

However, something that might have contributed (with regards to my H, M and our personal circumstances) is that I’ve always had and still have a very deep need for deep communication and total openness & honesty about feelings, thoughts, emotions, experiences etc. My whole life these things have been a very deep need for me and because of our different temperaments and personalities, my H doesn’t have the same needs for these EN’s than me. The candid e-mail and honest sharing I received from OM’s last week was a major trigger. For the last couple of months I’m also at a very “low” point with the ongoing circumstances and unresolved external circumstances in me and my H’s life (unemployment; court-case; infertility) and I think those things might have contributed to my weakness and vulnerability. However, these are NO excuses and I take full responsibility for what I did.

Piojitos, to make this issue clear - I’m not in withdrawal like I originally was a few years back when the EA ended, but last weeks e-mail conversation has brought back memories and feelings for OM in a big way. Not ALL of it, but much of it. But I recognize it for what it is…just a fantasy and Satan’s attempt to lure me into more. So, at this stage I have some withdrawal symptoms like depression and anxiety and residual feelings for OM (which has returned), but in spite of it, I’m this time NOT in a position where I feel I can’t focus on my H and M. Not at all! I can feel that in spite of some withdrawal I experience at this stage, I’m totally capable of focusing on my M and my H’s needs and pain. As a result I don’t think the withdrawal I have now will last very long. I already feel much better than yesterday – especially after me and my H had a long conversation yesterday night. Your comments about the asterisk after my name have also helped to put some humor in my day. Thanks.

ForeverHers, thanks very much for your offer and posts. I will let you know if/when me or my H need to speak with you off board.

Not_so_you_neak, as you can see from my post to Bob, I’m currently in a tough place with regards to me and my H’s job circumstances, but in spite of that (working at the same company) my plan is to take all other precautions necessary to ensure NC with OM. In the past I have not always ignored OM’s attempts to contact me (through e-mail), but I do realize the importance of it now and I will not allow myself to respond to him again. I can’t control him, but I can control myself…and after what happened last week I do take it very seriously. I will not cause such hurt to my H again.

Thanks also to all the others - Eagle15; smartcookie; cheated_on; blindsided06; Katie Mae; Cherised; bigkahuna; MrsWondering; believer & Pepperband for your words of encouragement & support. I appreciate it more than you will know…

I will be back tomorrow.

Is OM married?

I don't remember...

if he is married Suzet*

PLEASE take my advice

call her and tell her about the contact ... it will help you maintain NC... let his WIFE be your accountability partner ... how?

she'll kick his [censored], & OM will be mad at you and that's a good thing !

Pep

Suzet* -

I don't believe we've ever posted to each other before, but I wanted to offer you encouragement to continue to post here. The experiences you share with the board help all of us (BS and WS), and are valuable. You took a misstep, but you're actively working on fixing that - I applaud you for that and wish you and your H the best of luck.

FH -


If that offer is open to all on this board, I'd like those links. Thanks.

suzet

(((HUGS)))

Can I ask a question? Is there anything going on in life right now that has been overwhelming? Before you started contact again?

Pep,

Yes the OM is married with 2 kids and he is 15 years my senior (I’m 33 now).

The EA was never exposed to OM’s W (for background on this please read this post and the link in this post). You can also follow me and ForeverHers’s discussion about it (I’ve asked for his input about exposure to the OW) on this thread.

Pep, the fact that OM’s W is “in the dark” about what happened in the past has been a concern for me from time to time (and that’s why I’ve seek input from members about it on the above posts/links). If I inform the OW about contact now it means that I’ll have to dig up and explain everything from the past too – things which happened 3 – 4 years ago. Do you really think I should do that?

To be completely honest with you Pep… A part of me knows you are right and that informing her will be the right thing to do (I would want to know if I were her)…but another part of me (the biggest part) feels scared to death and I honestly don’t know if I will ever have the guts and courage to do that… I’m afraid of the consequences and the “can of worms” I will open with such an action… I don't think I’m strong enough to do that Pep… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Suzet, would you be willing to e-mail me?



I'd like to delete my e-mail address once you have it.

Don't worry everyone it's not going to be two people "back in contact" (which I'm not) talking. I think I have some good stuff to offer Suzet.

Jen, I don't have a private e-mail address (only work e-mail), so I can't e-mail you right now. You’re welcome to share with me on this forum and I hope you will.

I have written down your e-mail address so if you don’t want to share on this forum, I’ll see if I can e-mail you from my H’s private yahoo address at some stage, but please share here if you can.

Suzet, I don't know that I've ever posted directly to you or not (certainly not under this screen name), but I applaud you for the strength you are showing and the willingness to continue to grow.

As for the OMW, it's my opinion that you--personally--telling her everything will be an incredible step forward in your own recovery. It will also likely help put yet another nail in the coffin of temptation. I remember far too well the feelings of double betrayal when my H and the FOW broke NC and she went and told several of our mutual friends and continued to talk to me as if nothing was wrong during the whole time--I lost all of what little respect I had for her that she would be so cowardly to tell everyone BUT the one it mattered the most to. That cowardice turned my heart from feeling she had turned a corner in her life to losing any hope I had that she was nothing more than "just another OW". Suzet, you have more moral fiber than that. You know what's right, and you know when you're not doing right. Now is the time to change the direction of things that have inhibited a full recovery.

You may not think you have the strength, but if you are a praying woman, you know from where that strength will come. She needs to know, even those things that happened 3-4 years ago. She deserves the same respect your H does, and you are well aware that the OM doesn't have enough respect for his W to afford her the truth. Your "guts" aren't the issue, hon. You know this is the right thing to do, and it will likely signal to your H just how serious you are about saving your marriage. If your heart is in the right place, the courage and strength will come.

Praying for you and for your marriage, I can't imagine how you feel right now.

Pep, the fact that OM’s W is “in the dark” about what happened in the past has been a concern for me from time to time (and that’s why I’ve seek input from members about it on the above posts/links). If I inform the OW about contact now it means that I’ll have to dig up and explain everything from the past too – things which happened 3 – 4 years ago. Do you really think I should do that?

To be completely honest with you Pep… A part of me knows you are right and that informing her will be the right thing to do (I would want to know if I were her)…but another part of me (the biggest part) feels scared to death and I honestly don’t know if I will ever have the guts and courage to do that… I’m afraid of the consequences and the “can of worms” I will open with such an action… I don't think I’m strong enough to do that Pep…

Suzet it depends if you want your marriage more than you want to avoid the consequences of exposure.

OMW will be about the best advocate you and H has in supporting your marrige. She will make life very uncomfortable for OM if he remains in contact with you.

I was terrified to expose too. I called OM GF from a supermarket car park and vomited into bushes when I'd finished.

WIthin 5 minutes Squid texted me telling me our marriage was over and OM told me he would kill me. I felt I'd done a terrible wrong, but VERY soon I realised I'd taken the bravest step possible to support my marriage and my self respect.

Exposure just means unleashing the consequences of an affair. OM has no consequences at all right now and no reason to not continue to inflate his ego by keeping you interested.

Maybe OMW can effect OMs decision to stay working with you ?

Regarding the Job Suzet YES I know yor financial circumstances but I woukd remind you that I took a voluntary DEMOTION at my company inorder to spend less time working. This cost me a lot of money, and any acreer aspirations I had but has paid dividends in our quality of life.
Squid gave up being England's premier female Karate referee. The financials were not so impotant but the prestige and enjoyment she lost are irreplaceable. But she did that so as to protect me from hurt and to avoid NC violation.

Suzet I am sure you CAN find another job. Even IBM ZA are advertising 11 roles right now in Jo'burg , Capetown and Durban. And that's just MY company.

I think you either need to expose to OMW or you need to tell your H to expose to OMW. But she needs to know. DESERVES to know. And it will be the best move you can make to protect your marriage IMO.