It seems rather amazing that Suzet's husband is accepting his wife's declaration of love for OM and doing NOTHING about it. Work or not work, whistle blower or not, does not sound right.
If he is the man of integrity Suzet describes he will not be reacting the way he is. She probably has not shown those love letters to her husband yet. Because thats what they are love letters, from Suzet to OM and viceversa. There is no consideration or love for her husband in those e=mails.

If my husband were to find that kind of exchange between oM and Myself today, he would be gone faster than a bullet!! My husband is a man of integrity and he will not accept any [censored] that I might say to him to excuse my exchange of love with the OM. I am not so into exposing, but in this case thats the ONLY alternative if she wants to save whatever is left from her marriage. Suzet's husband sounds weak and with no character if he is going along with her.

Myrta

Tell you what Suzet - get your husband to read this thread and see what he thinks.

Pep - Brilliant. Just Brilliant

10Swords - Brilliant post too

And everyone else - brilliant.

Hitting the nail right on the head.

Suzet - haven't you learned a single thing here in 3 years?

Thank you dorry, for your candor and thought in your response.

I understand what you're saying and have struggled with my self-esteem, as well. With the OM (in my case) I'm just so ashamed that it ever happened that I honest-to-god don't care what he thinks of me. But I guess I might have immediately after and during withdrawl. I think I blocked all that out -- and rightfully so. I don't want him taking up even a corner of my mind ever again. <shudder>

Suzet, you're all still working together? Sheesh, no WONDER you're struggling. I worked with OM for too long after - and I now realize that the DUMBEST thing I did was NOT quit my job immediately.

As a kinda aside: I could say the same about my ex, who cheated with co-workers on more than one occasion over the years. For example: He thought he could work at the school where he had an affair with a teacher and an inappropriate friendship with a mommy... but the funniest thing was this: He got fired. Totally un-affair related, he said. Or was it? Somehow affairs have a way of 'getting in the way' of doing your work well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

... it is a VERY RARE occurance (like with HD, or LorLor's H) when the FWS can work with the affair partner and still recover the marriage. Maybe you'll be in that minority -- but why chance it?

Perhaps I am cynical, but my experience being cheated on and spending time on infidelity forums is this:

A cheater doesn't really care all that much who they hurt. On a deep inner level many cheaters are concerned about one thing and that is their own personal gratification. Specifically the gratification of getting attention and being made to feel "special".
I think this sort of thing is difficult to overcome because you are appealimg to the wrong emotion for the cheater. You are asking them to think of others, have compassion for the people they are damaged,( when they obviously don't really care) when what you should be doing is appealing to them to examine themselves so that they can understand what may be the real issue. The issue of selfishness, egocentricity, narcissicm, a lack of compassion for others, personal standards of integrity.

Evidently there are people who make mistakes, take a step back and have a good hard look at themselves and change. And then there are others who justify justify justify. they are the people who do crappy things to other and when confronted they feel like THEY are being victimized. Utterly byepassing WHY they are being confronted.

I have read a lot in this forum and perhaps my own pain and anger speak for me, but I feel ZERO pity for any of you silly people who callously throw away the person who is your partner for a couple of cheap screws, come back whining about horrible you are as a human being ( and you certainly ARE) seduce your partner back into overcoming what is the worst pain I have personally felt ( childbirth was nothing, the 2nd and 3rd degree burn I had on my hand and arm that took almost a year to heal did not compare to the sheer emotional gutting.) only to decide that you MUST respond passionately to some nauseatingly sophmoric email or request to have a drink.

You always think you have another chance. And I can practically guarantee that none of us, husbands, wives, partners, people posting in forums, are even coming close to hearing the worst of the violations.

The saddest thing to me is that we try and help (or not) these people and what may actually be going on is that the attention is feeding their big fat egos, which is likely what got them into an affair in the first place.

Bah. If you want to actually have an effect, turn your backs and walk away.

Wow Lady. Very Cynical but with more than a grain of truth.

(((Lady)))

I can't believe MelodyLane hasn't chimed in here with her "moral coward" speech.

NVM I just noticed Bob Pure did it.

10swords, I’m not responsible for OM’s own decision to harm himself (and his W) by not becoming honest and open with her and taking responsibility for his own wrong choices and actions. This man is delivering more harm to himself (and to his W) by not informing her...not me. I can only take responsibility for my own side and the damage I have done…and IMO I have already take actions to stop delivering harm to this man and his M by confessing to my H and request NC from OM. Was it easy to confess to my H? NO, but I did… Why can’t OM do the same and why is it suddenly expected from me to take responsibility for EVERYONE? The circumstances are difficult enough for me as it is, but it appears no one takes that into account at all.

Again, it’s OM’s own choice to remain in an unhappy situation if he doesn’t become honest and open with his W and take actions himself to fight for his M as a team with his W. I’m responsible fighting for my own M...and that’s it.

I’ve already done my part to put an end to things…and to any shred of hope OM might have had. This was done via the NC letter.

Also check out my post to Mrs Wonderings and Noodle please (that will follow next).

MrsWondering, yes I do realize that Dr. Harley advises that the OP’s S must always be told. And yes, it does bother me that OMW is in “the dark” and doesn’t know what’s going on (I’ve already expressed this to Pep and Bob earlier on this thread) but I’ve started to ask myself how far does my responsibility really goes regarding this matter…and where does OM’s responsibility starts?

I know if I were in OMW shoes I would want to know the truth…and most members on this board would also prefer to be told…but there are people (even on this board like HurtingDeeply) who would prefer NOT to know and NOT to be told… And I ask myself what if OMW is one of those people who prefer NOT to be told… Do I then really have the right to further interject myself in another person’s life and M…just because it’s my truth (to expose) and because I, Dr Harley and most on this board believe it’s the “best thing” or “right thing” to ALWAYS expose to the unknowing spouse?

You said if I threaten to expose OM will simply spin the story to his wife that I am some nutjob, and she won't believe me, rendering exposure completely useless... But who says this will not happen anyway even if I expose without any forewaring? Who says OMW will believe the whole story in the first place?

We all know most BS’s don’t want to believe they have a cheating spouse when they are first told and since mine was an EA with no concrete evidence (except the e-mail conversations I’ve saved in a Word Document) it will be so easy for OM to spin another story and make me appear like an idiot & troublemaker...

The thing is, if OM wants to cover his back and stay dishonest with his W, it will be easy for him to make his W believe that this is all lies and that I’m some silly desperate young woman who have a “crush” on him an want to interfere in his life with my the exposure action in an attempt to break up his M…

The danger also exist that OM might sue me or my H for an “attempt to break up his M” or “breaking up his M” and where will this leave me and my H (actually my H was pointing this one out to me)?

Okay Noodle, if we expose to OMW and as a result I lose my job…will you (or anyone else on this board) send me money to survive in order for me and my H to get a roof over our heads and to have food in our stomachs? Did you miss the fact that my H is unemployed for 2,5 years now (his unfairly dismissed court case still in progress) and that “affirmative action” in this country make it very difficult and unlikely for us to get other jobs? Or do you want me to pay with EVERYTHING in my life for the wrong choices and mistakes I’ve made and to also make my H suffer further as a result of it?

Well Noodle, neither me nor my H is willing at this stage to make any more financial sacrifices than we currently have…not because I think I’m unique or special. But because we have already struggled (and still struggle) financially for 2,5 years now with my H’s ongoing unemployment & court case issue and we also had to give up our dream to try and conceive a child of our own through in-vitro-fertilization treatment. We had to temporarily give up this dream because of the stress and financial difficulties we experience at this stage. We have suffered enough the past few years…but I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand…or to at least try and understand. It’s SO easy to make wrong and insulting assumptions about people and their circumstances if you don’t have the full background.

I did the right thing by confessing to my H and end the EA… But it seems that it doesn’t count AT ALL… Oh well…

Suzet,

Do you feel that the email you posted was a request for NC? Have you done anything further since then to really try to establish NC? This is not a criticism - I am just trying to avoid the majority of this fight so am reading as little as I can. Your email was very troubling for me. I think it was for Stanley too. Has your H read those emails and is he okay with them? If so, he is very different from me. I am not saying that is bad BTW. Most here would say that being different from me is a good thing.

New_beginning, I just want to make it clear that I don’t work with the OM. I work at the same company than him but different department and buildings. For this reason I rarely see him or bump into him (only every few months or so). I also don’t have any work related contact with him at all. It’s the e-mails which was always the issue…that’s how the friendship and eventually the EA started.

Just enough to keep you both alive in each others' minds.

C'mon Suzet. Who are you kidding?

This is a terrible situation.

Piojitos, it seems to me you and Stanley have the whole story about the NC TOTALLY WRONG and have NOT read my posts thoroughly, so let me set things straight:

In my thirst post on this thread, I’ve posted the following:

[color:"blue"] “The guilt and disappointment in myself was driving me crazy and I finally found the courage and informed my H about the contact and contents of the letters during the past weekend. Yesterday I have sent a NC letter (the 3rd one in 3 years). This time my H has read and approved before I’ve sent it.” [/color]

Poijitos, please note that the NC letter I’m referring to in the above post is the one where I’ve demanded ZERO contact from OM. It’s the NC letter my H approved of after I’ve confessed to him about the exchanges between me and OM and the one he approved of before I’ve sent it. I think you and Stanley confuse this NC letter with the one I requested minimum contact with OM---which is not the one I’m referring to. That one (where I requested minimum contact) was not a NC letter at all.

In my NC letter of the following week (which my H approved) of, I’ve made it clear to OM that minimum contact (like I originally asked for during our e-mail exchanges) will not be sufficient and that there can be NO deliberate contact EVER again. Not even on days like birthdays, New Year after the company has opened…NOTHING. I’ve also made it clear to him that this time it’s FINAL and PERMANENT and that I will not leave room for ANY deliberate contact with him ever again…no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

Does this help to address your questions and concerns?

I agree this is a terrible situation 10s words and I'm not trying to kid anyone... But what do you want me to do? Quit my job right now and leave both me and my H roofless on the street?

Okay Suzet. Thanks. As a BS, the only thing really important to me is that you are completely open and honest with your H. The rest is between you two. If your H read those emails and is okay with them, the rest is up to the two of you. You know what is right and wrong (at least according to MB). I don't have any issues. Thanks for taking the time to explain.

Sigh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Piojitos, where have I EVER said on this thread that my H is/was OKAY with the email exchanges between me and OM??? It was HURTFULL to him - can't you see that???

No, of course not. But you've heard the drill. You don't have to leave your job tomorrow, but I would think you would see the value in contacting headhunters and looking for a better job. There's always a better job, if you look hard enough. Just imagine, a job you love twice as much as the one you have now that is more convenient and free of the OM Drama too!! I'll pray for it if you will.

Thanks 10swords, I will appreciate that...

Take care,
Suzet

My mistake Suzet. Sorry.