A month ago, the day of my birthday, my W confessed that she was having feelings for another man (who was married for less than 1 year). I'd had suspicions that something was going on for two months. She said she decided to be honest and talk to me about it. She said that there was never anything physical, just emotional. I asked her to stop all contact since this guy was luring her and was making her fall into temptation. She said that he was a very close friend and didn't know how to end a friendship so quickly. In any case, I thanked her immensely for all her honesty and for having the strength of stopping the EA before it got physical. She said that from now on she was going to be extremely honest.

The fact that she wanted to remain "close" friends with the OM made me even more suspicious so I asked her to show me the bill for the only credit card she holds that I don't have access to. In there, was a charge for a hotel. She then "confessed" that they went to the hotel, but nothing happened. She said things were going to start to happen, but she got a guilt trip, asked him to stop and left. She said that she figured that since nothing happened, there was no reason to tell me.

I still felt, however, that there was something wrong... something she wasn't telling me. She promised and swore that that was the entire truth and that she wasn't hiding anything else. We both then took a weekend trip out of state and I tried to be as romantic as possible (gave her flowers, compliments, chocolates, massage, the works, etc).

She was very reluctant to give me her email password, so I suspected, something else was going on. I found out her password, checked her email and in fact she had slept with the OM twice. The second time was immediately after we came back from our weekend trip. In the email, she expressed how awesome it was to make love to him. I continued searching her computer and found saved chats they'd had as well as a "diary" she kept detailing how the OM had come to my house to kiss her and how they 'parked' to kiss and make out.

So here we are, we're both 27, we were dating for 7 years, have been married for 2.2 years (we've basically lived 10 yrs together), no kids. The EA lasted for 1 month and apparently only got phsysical twice. Our life was pretty much perfect...She says she has no idea why she did it.. perhaps too much going at work, issues with her family, ?? She's already in the process of getting tested for STD and checking to see if she's pregnant.

I've always told myself that if my wife was unfaithful, that I would go. Now, I'm facing the situation and it's hard to make the decision; not sure why. She says she is now fully committed on working "to keep me" and that this has been the most stupid, horrendous, ridiculous mistake that she has ever done. Will she learn from this, or should I run before we have kids?

Is she still in contact with the OM in any way?

Has the A been exposed to the OMW?

Has this happened before? Did you ask her? Did you believe her answer?

Hi MIM,

The OM is a co-worker and the guy is off on vacation for two weeks (comes back next Monday). My W says that the OM was going to tell his W but that he hadn't found the strength to do so yet (he's most likely lying and will never tell her).

I've been tracking her movements closely (it's very hard to trust her) and haven't noticed any contact with the OM. I honestly believe that this is a first for her. It really hurts that she slept with someone else, especially since we both had only been with each other. Her attitude towards the OM has changed though; at first she couldn't be a minute w/out him... now she constantly reminds he how he took advantage of her, used her, lied to her and that she hates him and doesn't want to even see him in the hallways.

I've asked her to quit, but she remains adamant, which is also making me somewhat suspicious. She knows that I now have full access to her personal email/computer, but I'm afraid she's hiding something at work and using work's phone to communicate with him.

1. NC is a must, which means that either OM leaves the job, or your W leaves the job. Who is in the more senior position? The chances of recovering your M will be very, very slim if they continue to work together. If she was really working "to keep you", she should try to understand what she puts you through every day when she leaves you to go work with the OM.

2. If you have any indication that the A is still going on, consider exposure to OMW and even HR at the company.


It sounds to me though that your W is coming to grips with what she lost in her A: her integrity, among other things. She's angry at the OM, but at the end of the day she CHOSE to engage in an A with him, and chose to lie to you and to deceive you. When she faces this about herself, she'll stop placing the blame on the OM for her actions.

Hi MIM,

She has the more senior position. She called me an hour or so ago to let me know that she ran into him in the hallway and the OM said, "now that I see you, I wanted to let you know that I told my W and got tested for STD". She supposedly replied "Ok, good" and continued walking. The problem is, that I don't have a way to verify this. What if they talked about something else? What if they are together now during their lunch hour??

This is driving me crazy. But I'll talk to her and try to get her to understand how I feel and how worried I get whenever they have contact.

Wow. The first thing that stuck me about your post is that your W told you about this on your bday. My guess is that she is a real attention hog - but, you would know this better than me. I can tell you, however, from hard earned experience that her lack of taking responsibily - i.e. blaming the OM and being angry at him - is a bad sign. She is releasing herself from responisbility, and this means that if push come to shove in the future, she will also not be responsible for what happens next time - or the next time - or the next time. You can gently give her the chance to take responisbility, though, and you can do this while being firm. If she wants to walk away from her job (and this man, and come clean to the man's wife) then that is a good sign, if she doesn't, then you should certianly make the OM's wife as well as HR aware - let her know that you are going to do this, because the OM's wife deserves to know (affairs can be life-threatening now days) and the company needs to be aware of what Casanova is doing because in this day-and-age work-place affairs can cause major company liability. Also, as a matter of marital stability, you should insist that all email accounts be open to each other - nothing private at all. You do not have to be mean when you request these things, but, unless you are firm from the get-go, from my experience, the heartache will just continue.

allforone

I would immediately contact the OM's wife and verify this. It is possible he lied to your wife and this was a story to tell you so you would not contact his wife. Maybe he and your wife thought of this idea together.

Her whole story sounds bad. She informed you on your birthday. She constantly lied to you about it. She has unprotected sex with him again after your romantic trip together. She had unprotected sex twice with him putting your health at great risk for STD and pregnancy and didn't even bother to respect you enough to use protection.

She tells you she had no idea why she did this? What a bunch of crap. She knows exactly why. By saying she does not know means she has no control over it and she is deflecting responsibility. If the roles were reversed and you had a one month affair with another woman resulting in unprotected sex at least twice; do you think your wife would accept you saying you just don't know why it happened....Oh please.

My friend you have a lot more problems that you think. Again I would immediately contact the OM's wife. If she does not know then it is more likely that he will try again to resume the affair. By the way, what have been the consequences to your wife cheating on you this way? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
The fact that she sought him out for another sexual encounter immediately after your romantic trip is really a low blow on her part. My guess is that you still do not know the whole story. She sounds very very manipulative.

Sorry that you're here. I have two sets of suggestions for you...you may not like one of them.

1. She needs to agree to NC with the OM. Both of you need to tell OMW. One of them needs to quit the job, or somehow engage HR so that they never ever cross paths. She needs a clean STD screen and negative pregnancy test. You both need to go to MC and read Surviving an Affair. You might consider a postnuptial agreement concerning any further infidelity.

2. You've only been married for 2 years, and have no kids. See Bryanp's post for the summation of how cruel she is. You have a lot of work ahead of both of you to make this work, and even then it may not work out. Is this someone you want to have children with and be tied to for the rest of your life? May be time for plan D.

Good luck!

It really hurts that she decided to have sexual contact with the OM the day before my b-day. She actually went to the hotel at night two days before my b-day where "everything" happened except penetration because she stopped it. The OM apparently "talked her into" coming back the next morning (the day before my b-day) where "it" then happened the first time. The second sexual encounter was on my mom's b-day. So now my b-day and my mom's b-day will be constant reminders of what she did.

She puts the blame completely on herself, but she doesn't understand how she became blind to her reality. She's going to counseling to see if they can help her understand. However after her appointment yesterday with counseling, it appears as if the counselor wants to put all the blame on me.

I agree with you that I should contact the OMW to verify the story. I'll figure out how to do this.

I made her take the morning after pill after I found out of the sexual encounters (I found out within 72 hrs of the second sexual encounter). She also has gotten tested for all STDs and so far they are all negative, although some, like HIV, have to be repeated again in 6 months to verify the results.

She's working now with her managament to take a leave of absence, which is a some improvement because she was very adamant on leaving work, which of course hurts even more since she's putting work ahead of our marriage. Thanks for all your suggestions!!

otilleb,

My friend, you are in a very delicate situation, and you may feel a lot of anger, but you need to calm down and think your role in what your W did. Since you probably think there is no valid excuse for her actions you may be pushing her to blame it on him or just saying she cannot understand what she did. The OM has nothing to do with it, it is not his fault. He provided something that you were not providing. It is true that future contact with him scares the ****** out of you and makes you feel little confidence in the situation, but I don't see a need of contacting him, HR, or his W. You should concentrate on listening to your W and understanding what things about her, about you, and about your marriage conducted her to the OM. What things are missing in your marriage, what things she needed and you did not give. The difficult thing about infidelity is that the person that committed the infidelity is almost always blamed for their actions, but it is vital to examine the relationship and the needs of your W. Did she mention anything that was affecting her relationship with you? Did she give you any clues that some things were missing or not working well between you? A persons needs are sometimes more powerful than a commitment, morality, or intelligence. I am not telling in anyway that this is your fault, or her fault, or the OM fault. This is a complex situation that goes beyond the facts you may be concentrating on right now. Good luck!

Hi Bryanp,

She's very clear that I'm very close to calling my lawyer and exposing her to everyone. I sometimes feel that she just wants to stay with me so that her family won't find out what a bad girl she was.

I always thought she would be the mother of my children, but I'm really doubting this now. What happens when the stress of kids gets to her? Will the stress force her to create another fantasy and have another A? Given her history, probably. And I'm definitely not willing to go through this one more time... this is ******.

snakybody, before the A, no she didn't give me any clues. My job requires that I somewhat travel and I know this upset her, but I took action. I've been looking for a new job for 3 months now. That's about it, she has never nagged me for something that's missing, or something that she needs that I don't provide all the time.

As time goes by, anger and hate keeps building up. I thought this would subside with time. Did anyone else experience this? If so, how did you handle it?

By the way, any clues/hints on how to talk to the OMW?

Gather up all the information you have - credit card receipts, phone records, and printouts of the email.

I think in person is best. If you are interested in reconciling, then your wife needs to come along. Talk to the OMW alone (ie without the OM around to spin things). Lay it all out for OMW - your husband had an affair with my wife, and here is the proof - that sort of thing. Your wife can take the opportunity to apologize.

If you're not interested in reconciling, then OMW still has a right to know.

I would also suggest you repost on the general questions II forum; that is a heavily trafficked area of the site and you will get a lot more help.

I would ignore snakybody's advice. It doesn't matter what is missing or what your W felt she wasn't getting, she is responsible and could have handled her needs in a more appropriate manner. The "nobody is to blame" philosophy reeks of "there is no right or wrong" - this is bad philosophy. There is always a right and wrong way to behave, no matter how complicated the situation may be. You can, however, forgive wrong behavior. Do not blame yourself. It sounds like you were doing what you could in addressing your absences. Your wife may be a passive-agressive person. Is it possible she was mad at you for having been gone so much and her way of punishing you was to do something like this and then make sure you found out about it (on your bday, no less)? I'm telling you, you can let the part about your bday discovery go - with time, you will not think about it much. But the drama that she is dishing-up by the choice of these days says that something is dreadfuly wrong inside of her - is she known to sabatoge things? Get into regular counseling with her if at all possible - my H would not come clean with the counselor unless I was in the room. He likes to live in an alternate reality where he is such a "good guy" that he will rarely tell on himself for anything, even when seeking help. It is a personaility defect in which he cannot analyze himself or his behavior - prefering to believe everything he does is just "the best he can do" when this is not at all in line with reality. If your wife is this way, you can deal with it and have a good relationship even after an affair - you just have to come to accept it as a personality quirk. As long as fidelity is not at issue, it can sometimes be fun to have a quirky mate. We all have our faults. But it is okay, and even RIGHT (please read that snakebody) to expect that commitment MEANS commitment.

Yesterday I also found out that my wife went out for "lunch" with one of her ex-boyfriends a week before our wedding. This doesn't look good. As time goes by, I just keep finding more and more secrets. When I confronted her and asked her why she never told me, she said "because I knew you would get mad". To which I replied, "if you knew it would make me mad, why did you do it? You've always dis-respected me".

She's still deciding whether she'll leave work. I told her that that's a non-negotiable item so we'll see how it goes. She called our counselor and the guy said not to make any rush decisions, but our pastor agrees that she should leave work. It infuriates me that even when she says she'll do "anything" to work on this, she still disrespects me and doesn't follow through on her promises.

Allforone, it does sound like she's a passive-aggressive person. How immature does one have to be to go and have sex with the first guy that comes around just because something may not be working on the relationship? I've always expected more from her in the bed and it's not like I went and found another woman who could give it to me. Instead, I accepted her behavior and loved her for who she is.

Hi Otilleb,

Since I was posting on another thread about exposing to BS I will restate my thoughts to you too, since you asked about how to expose to OMW.

First off I must say, PLEASE DO IT, AND DO IT AS IMMEDIATELY AS POSSIBLE. TOMORROW!

I was a completely unsuspecting housewife and mother of 4 yo, 2 yo and newborn dd's who were at my side when my doorbell rang and there stood OW and OWH. He had found out the night before and dragged her to my house to confess to me on my doorstep.

Fast forward...3 years later my H and I are happily recovered through hardcore recovery efforts and I have been thankful since day one of the courage the BH of the OW showed in exposing to me immediately.

It does not matter how you tell her. It just matters that you TELL HER. She deserves to know what is happening in her life so that she can CHOOSE how she would like to proceed in her real life. Also...this site has numerous examples of how crucial exposing to the BS (and family/friends where appropriate) is to ending the A and getting NC well established.

MelodyLane is a master at exposure.

Please tell the OMW and don't delay it another day.

Glad (to have been told)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Otilleb,

Snakybody could very well be your wayward wife posing as an 3rd party poster. Her post is cleary foggy and should be ignored completely. If you discover it IS your wife you should do EXACTLY opposite of what it says as she has clearly indicated her greatest fears...exposure. Regardless, expose anyway...what have you got to lose. You are not protecting her by keeping her secret...you are merely enabling her to maintain this fantasy life.

Mr. Wondering

Hi MrWondering,

You know, I had exactly the same thought. Snaykybody registered on the same day that (s)he posted and is the only person giving me the advice not to expose. I'm getting all my materials ready to expose the A to the OMW today.

Good...

When you come back...please repost your story and give an update to what happened over on the General Questions II board as it is the most active board available here.

Thought I'd analyze your wife's (Snakebody's) words above for you. We here have more experience than you with deciphering their foggy language so thought you'd benefit from my intrepretive skills [Snakebody's words are quoted]:


[color:"blue"] Hopeful language from a wayward spouse. She is indicating that she wants to work on the marriage and that it is not hopeless. Of course, she wants you to focus more on YOU but that's understandable considering she's had months to ponder her necessary rationalizations and justifications which ENABLED her to undertake her illicit love affair. She's blaming you for her behavior. This is typical blame-shifting or gaslighting verbal abuse. You can work through this in recovery [/color]



[color:"blue"] This is utterly OUTRAGEOUS. Snakebody...how can ANYBODY else be "blamed" for your actions? Did your betrayed husband hold a gun to your head and MAKE you cheat? Sure recovery includes analyzing and fixing problems you both have before the affair and both working to make the relationship better than ever...however, YOU OWN the affair 100% and YOU need to do the self-analyzing and difficult work of figuring out just WHY YOU were so willing to betray your husband, your family and YOURSELF. What about YOU allowed yourself to enter into a fantasy relationship and be foolish enough to believe ANY of it was real. [/color]



[color:"blue"]This also is common wayward fogspeak. What she is saying is that SHE WARNED YOU BEFORE SHE CHEATED ON YOU and that if you had been caring or loving enough to have deciphered her hints and inferences YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT BEFORE SHE ACTUALLY CHEATED ON YOU...thus IT'S YOUR FAULT TOO. Of course, Snakebody complained to you and started openly criticizing you and discussing all your past wrongs, most likely to ad nauseum. I bet she also took many liberties with all your past mistakes, focusing waaaaaayyy to much attention on each particular transgression. It's called a history re-write...waywards utilize this to justify and rationalize cheating on you. Don't buy it.

Further, she had the utter disrespect to "test" you. She gave you hints to her behavior and interpreted your inability to decipher as uncaring...since you don't care, she can cheat without guilt. Never did she come straight out and say..."I am going over to OM's house to have sex, do you mind"...because she really already made up her mind what SHE wanted to do. My wife herself was "SHOCKED" that I cared on D-day. Bet Snakebody was too. The addicted brain automatically does this to all waywards...nothing unique here. [/color]


[color:"blue"]Interesting theory....NOT. Your husbands purported failure to meet your needs did not RESILT in your unhealthy decision to undertake and illicit affair...you own YOUR decision 100%. Meeting your needs and you meeting his needs in the future will help "protect" your marriage from the very real (and evidently experienced) temptation that is out there...but acting on temptation is a very good indicator of Mrs.Snakebody's moral compass and intelligence (i.e.- lack thereof). Fortunately for YOU, whether such lack of character and intelligence is temporary or permanent is yet to be seen. You can regain integrity with hard work, dedication, re-commitment and repentence to your wronged and abused husband. [/color]



[color:"blue"] It actually IS YOUR FAULT and OM's FAULT. You two are co-conspirators in the emotional MURDER of your husband. You ARE married and your husband MAY forgive you, once you repent, because HE LOVES YOU; however, OM is not loved and will forever be known as the guy that abused him, his family and his wife. OM, unless he was led to believe you were not married, is a despicable boy undeserving of YOUR protection, affection or concern. You must go to NO CONTACT with OM and NEVER have OM be a part of your lives again. He represents YOUR crack pipe and you are a CRACKHEAD...giving up the pipe forever is a necessary condition to recovery. [/color]


[color:"blue"]Indeed...Snakebody. I hope and pray you get it before you completely destroy your own integrity and completely lose your husband. He MAY take you back NOW but if you continue on your current line of thinking you'll lose eventually. REGRET is a tough pill to swallow. A word of warning too...If you leave your husband with your unresolved issues dangling...you are only going to discover down the road that YOUR problems and issues came along with you. Sure your husband can be better...but you can and obviously should be more concerned with fixing YOU...whether your fortunate enough to save your marriage or not. YOU are the problem...good luck with that [/color]

Through God...all things are possible.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Snakebody, come out of the closet, admit who you are and try to utilize the resources available here to assist YOU with fixing the damage YOU have done to your marriage. My wife and I both post here and through MB have both learned a great deal. This place is supportive, not cultish, like most newbie waywards believe upon arrival. Your marriage CAN recover and blossom. MB is the best KNOWN path to marital recovery and it's available HERE FREE. Haven't you been the fool long enough????

update? Be a little careful what you say...as your wife/snakebody may be reading it. She's obviously too chicken to respond to my above post...guess I nailed it and scared her away.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-you can email me at the address listed below