double dittos

[color:"red"]EXPOSE at her church ASAP [/color]

I don't know where OW goes to church. I really don't know much about her except what WH has told me.

Since WH and I don't talk, I don't know what he is doing and whether he is even seeing the OW.

I still have access to our marital home where he is staying, so I thought about buying a voice-activated tape recorder and putting it in the office to perhaps catch him on a possible phonecall. However, that to me seems a bit slimy. I'm not sure what that would accomplish at this point since we are separated.

I suppose if I do find out that he is seeing OW or any other woman, for that matter, it would solidify for me that he is not the man I want to be with.

What do you think about me doing this?

As for my pregnancy, at 16 weeks, I can feel the butterflies in my stomach -- at least I hope that's my baby moving around and not my stomach growling. I am worried though that my baby isn't thriving. I will be going to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully I'll hear a strong heartbeat.

I don't know if I can go on.

Yesterday, I found out that my WH is now having a full-blown PA. He asked me to move out two weeks ago, which I did, and not even one week later, he is with the OW. I found text messages on his cell phone from her and him discussing sleeping with one another.

What compels a man to leave all of his responsibilities and obligations, and his wife who is carrying his unborn child, so that he can be with another woman?

My heart is hurting so much. I can't stop crying. My 3-year doesn't like seeing me cry. He got onto my lap, tried to wipe away my tears and said, "God can heal your pain."

I still had hope even though we were separated, but now I feel hopeless. This man is not the man I married, the man I loved and respected. The man I thought would support me and be with me through good and bad. I don't know this person anymore.

He has hurt me in so many ways imaginable. The man who vowed never to hurt me ever. And all I've been guilty of loving him, of wanting this marriage to work, of wanting to have an intact family.

I know God will not give me more than I can handle, but honestly, I can't take much more. I am in so much pain. To know that the man I loved, is with another. We are still married.

Please help. I need your encouragement to get me through the next few hours, the day. The pain is so very intense. I just want it to stop. help me. . . .

I'm sure your husband will be back. They usually come back to th family.

How was your doctor appointment? How is the baby?

This stuff is very difficult to go through and very painful. I suggest you put your husband and the OW on the back burner, and make your life good.

Thank you believer. At this point, though, I can't imagine him back. He has hurt me too much.

I did go to the doctor yesterday, and right away he found a strong heartbeat so it sounds like my baby is okay. What a relief. I have been beating myself up over the fact that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have even lost weight from when I first became pregnant. I just have no will to eat.

I am trying to focus on me, but these insidious thoughts just keep coming back to haunt me. I think mornings are worse because I wake up so early and I lay in bed thinking about how terrible my life is and that I don't want to go through another empty, painful day.

You can train your brain to stop thinking about hurtful things. Just tell it to stop, everytime it goes in that direction, and think about something good. It doesn't take too long.

Your husband is just doing what they all do. Don't take it personally - look at him as if he were a drug addict.

The best thing is to focus on wonderful things. Get busy doing stuff around the house. I rearranged everything, got rid of junk, organized, cleaned everything spotless, made a garden, had fresh flowers in my home, candles, detailed the car, walked, went out with friends, joined a women's support group, etc.

You will have to take care of your own needs, and raise your self-esteem, because he won't do it right now.

Try to eat well. Chances are the baby will be well-nourished, but your body will be going without, if you don't eat properly.

I wish I had your positive outlook on life.

In my last session with my therapist, she had me do biofeedback to reduce my stress. I have been trying to do that to relax.

Unfortunately, I can't get busy doing stuff. I am having complications with my pregnancy, so my doctor told me to lay off on exerting myself. By the time I am at 20 weeks, there is a good chance I will be put on bedrest. Then, for sure, I will be isolated with nothing to do. I have been reading a lot lately though.

I do have periods where I think I can get through this, and I don't need him. I focus on my tummy. It's getting bigger now, so the prospect of having a baby is getting more real every day. I keep telling myself I have to be strong for this baby.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. You can still start thinking about something else. Read, post here, and do what you can. For sure, start eating well. Try some Ensure, if your doctor says it's okay.

Do you have friends or family around that can help?

Yes, thank God, I have family around. My mother has been a huge help. She has basically been taking care of me. I've been in my own house now for almost three weeks, and I have yet to make a meal. Someone always comes over to give me food. I just can't motivate myself to go to the store and make dinner. The everyday mundane stuff is just too hard for me to do right now. I just can't concentrate.

And you can't take anti-D's right?

My DR offered ADs but I declined because I am just afraid of what it may do to my unborn child. I don't want to take that chance.

Well, keep them in mind. I've heard that ST. John's Wort works good too, but don't know how that might effect the baby.

My sis had to take some kind of medicine because she was so deathly nauseated. She lost weight during her pregnancy. She finally took something that she was afraid to take, but figured that it was necessary. Baby came out fine.

But I'm with you. If you can bear it, don't take anything.

If you can manage to get in the frame of mind where you don't take it personally, that may help. Also if you can have faith that things will turn out fine. We have had lots of women here who were pregnant, and their husbands came back.

I am trying not to take it personally. In fact, I felt better last week when WH told me that he wanted out of our marriage because he felt he was too young when we got married and that he wanted to be free. In that situation, I felt it wasn't me but him expressing his feelings of being free to date.

But now, I know it's because of her, the OW. So now it's personal. We couldn't have been separated more than a week, and he was already sleeping with her. Perhaps he even did this before we separated. He denies it.

He told me he wouldn't be dating right away after our separation; and now look at him.

I don't hold out much hope for him coming back. He has told me countless times that we should neve have gotten married; that we are totally incompatible; that all I do is complain and nag, and he just wants to go out and have fun, etc.

I don't think it would be healthy for me to hope he will come back. I was miserable in the marriage. I had lost my sense of self; I was insecure due to his betrayal; he didn't make me feel reassured that he had ended it with OW; he was verbally abusive with me; very irritable; and I saw him slap our son a few times. I think I am better off without him.

I just need the strength and encouragement to get through these dark days.

H&C--
Sorry I have been absent from the boards for a day or two. I've been busy with my cert. classes and work, etc.
But I have been thinking of you.
And praying for you.

I think you need to understand one thing. Really grasp this one thought and BELIEVE it~

I'll admit, it took me awhile to grasp this myself. But his actions are his actions. They really are independent of you. They hurt you like he** and affect you, but you are not the problem.

I wish I could sit and talk with you in person, as I have been in the EXACT place you are, and I know the same feelings you are feeling, magnatized because of that little one inside of you.

I would take it one day at a time. That is all you really can do. When, even now, I think too far ahead, I am overwhelmed. Try to get out. Take your son to the park. Go somewhere you would not not have gone. In the beginning stages of this, I tried to think of this as free time for me--in a weird way. What are some things I wanted to do when your WH was home but didn't because maybe he wasn't into it? I know being preggers changes what you can do, but even if it's getting a pre-natal massage. Your hair done. A pedicure.

As for what you asked me about the letter I sent my WH, I sent it so he and OW would know I wanted to work on the marriage. It wasn't begging. I wanted him to know. If you want to still try to salvage this, he has to know you want to work on it--not in begging, but that the willingness is there--of course with boundaries and a list of what you need.

And you know what--you don't even have to make any big decisions right now. What I cam e to realize is that there is always tomorrow. Right now you need your strength to deal with today.

And let me tell you--no matter what happens--no matter what--YOU WILL BE OKAY.

I am at work right now, and I want to write more to you, but I have a family here to check in, so I will come back in a little bit.

Intexas

intexas, I posted to you about an hour ago, but I don't know what happened to it. So, I am writing again. Thank you for your words and encouragement.

I know I need realize that WH is selfish and that's it's not about me. He made his choices. I realize I have been insecure during our entire marriage, and it was because of him. I guess I never felt truly secure and safe with him. He is a good talker, but he didn't back it up with actions. There was always a disconnect with his words (and boy could he say the best things to make me feel happy -- I love you so much, I will never leave you, I will never hurt you, etc.). But I called him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because his moods were like night and day. I never knew who I was going to get.

As for your letter, I thought about writing such a letter but now that I know for sure he is engaging in a PA, I don't want this marriage anymore. The thought of him with her sickens me. If he is going to disrespect this marriage, what we had together, then I'm done.

I guess I just need support and encouragement to help me pick up the pieces and move on. I am planning on retaining a lawyer next week and moving forward with a legal separation -- if only for my financial sanity. I'm not at the divorcing stage. In fact, my WH has not ever mentioned divorce, but he does say it's over.

Maybe that's why he thinks it's okay to jump into another woman's bed right away -- because he thinks there's no more hope. I say we are too close to the separation. Five days before we separated, he sent me a text message saying that he loved me very much and wanted to have a happy family life with me and our son. Two weeks later, he is bedding the OW.

To me, that seems like he hasn't gotten over his feelings yet. Perhaps he is trying to deny his pain by moving on. He did tell me that in prior relationships, he would always find someone else before he jumped ship. He never broke up with anyone unless he had someone else waiting in the wings. He's done it again. And he's justified his actions by believing that he had done everything he could to save this marriage, but it was mostly my fault. What a crock!

Sorry for the rant. I am feeling very angry tonight. I hope I get to a place soon where I do feel compassion for him, and I can forgive him. After all, he is the father of my son and my unborn child.

Thank you again for your encouragement. I am amazed at your resilience throughout this last year. I see that you will be divorcing any day now. That has to be difficult. You went through a similar experience, and you have lived to tell about it. I admire you and hope that I will eventually be at a place where you are now. Perhaps a year from now, I will be able to help another pregnant woman whose husband has abandoned her.

God certainly gives us challenges. With the power of prayers and tremendous support like you, I can get through this one day at a time. Please keep posting because it really helps me get through the dark days (which seems to be every day unfortunately).

If you want to divorce him, no one will fault you. You have the right to do that, and I always encourage folks here to protect themselves financially by seeing an attorney.

But I think if you do a lot of reading here, you will see how your husband is going by a script. Think of him as temporarily insane right now.

There have been lots of people here whose spouse had an affair out of the blue, and completely changed their whole outlook on things. There are folks that planned a baby, and are pregnant, some who just bought a brand new house, adopted kids, etc.

In other words, the WS loved the BS one day, and a week later was "in love" with someone else.

That is why you need to hang in there and take your time.

I hear you believer. I suppose I am in just so much pain. I want to believe that my WH is temporarily insane, but I don't want to have hope only for it to be dashed again. How much pain can a person take?

My inclination is to move on for my sanity. He has done too much to destroy our marriage and the loving feelings I had for him.

I'll take it one day at a time though. Thank you for your advice.

I've been here for 3 and a half years, and have over 15,000 posts. It's been the same thing, over and over. The WS' seem to have a script or handbook they all go by.

Don't take it personally, and realize that thousands of people have recovered marriages as bad or worse than yours.

HNC, I just read through your thread and had to post to you. Some of the things you have written are exactly what I myself have felt, right down to the loss of your sense of self and feeling like you're done.

My X waited until DD was 7 months old before he left for OW. He had even invited her to live at our house when he got her a job at his company. Me in my new mommy fog chalked it up to generosity, because she was my friend, too. "Gee, he's helping our friend. How nice of him." Little did I know.

People here are giving you excellent advice. Remember, it's not about you. Heck, it's not even OW. It's about that crazy WH alien. While many will say a WS changes during an affair, I myself am not so sure, at least in my case. My XH always showed tendencies toward bad stuff, just never towards me. My counselor is sure he's always had this bubbling under the surface and just couldn't live up to the image of being a good family man. Too much pressure. What just kills me as a woman is, how on earth could a woman be remotely interested in a man who would leave his wife and babies??

Take care of yourself, HNC, and your son and that growing baby!!

Hope,

It is very hard what you are going through and especially when you are pregnant.

How can the OW go with a man who abandons his wife whilst she is pregnant.

You may not like what I am about to say but this is all about perception.

On DD day, I demanded my husband leave. It was a very nasty situation. My husband refused. There was no way he was going to be seen as being the one to leave the family home. His brother had been in a similar situation, but his wife was the WW, and she demanded her husband to leave. He left. He regrets that move till this day.

I am putting a different spin to this. The OW does not consider you WH as abandoning or leaving you. He has made her believe by your actions that you have left him.

I know that you say you left because you could not afford the repayments on the family home alone, but he is just as responsible for those payments because you are married and I believe the house belongs to both of you.

My husband did not leave on DD day. I made it extremely difficult for him. He slept in the car for a few days. I contacted a solicitor who told me that because he owned the house as well, he had every right to live there.

I believe you have been thinking very rationally. Your husband asked you to leave . You agreed because you could not pay for the house on your own. Wrong thinking. You need to think selfishly like him.

You can go back to the house and stay put there. You tell him you are still married and you are not giving up on your marriage. If he wants to leave, let him leave the family home. If he leaves, until you divorce or there is a legal separation, I believe that he is still responsible for the repayments. And soon, you will not be able to work so he will be solely responsible. Not your fault, just the way it is . Let him suffer the consequences of his actions. You hav made it so easy for him.

He is seeking 50 percent custody, because he will receive more financially from a divorce.

I do not mean to be harsh, but affairs are about selfish behaviour. You need to let him face the reality of losing financially and being perceived as a man who has abandoned his pregnant wife. I do not believe he thinks he has left you but rather the other way round.

Hugs to you

Innocence